Twitter Through The Transfer Turmoil

The human race is doomed. Totally and inextricably up shit creek without a paddle. The sheer quantity of human beings alive on the planet today who are the most stupid, ignorant, brain-dead, short-sighted, reactionary wallopers you could ever wish to avoid would both amaze and frighten you.

They are all on Twitter during the Transfer Window too.

It doesn’t matter what club you support, and it doesn’t matter what player your club is linked with. The mere instant that someone reports a rumour (that rumour could be from an esteemed football journalist with 29 years of experience with a slew of trusted contacts, or a 17 year old spotty oik with imagination for something other than porn), the wailing of dismay or worship of yet another false deity is deafening. Yes, I know it’s words on a screen, but I hear them in my head. Always. In my head. Saying things….

I digress.

Now listen here. You are a football fan. You watch many hours of football, and you have done since you were an irritating urchin with a snotty nose. Good for you. That does not however make you an expert on all things football. Sure, you’re an expert on some things. You can spot an offside 9 times out of 10, and you always, always remember the time you spotted one when the linesman (I refuse to call them anything else…unless I disagree with them and they’re in earshot…) didn’t. Of course you forget when they spotted the offside you missed, as you were leering at that Brazilian lady in crowd at the last world cup. Anyhoo, I don’t care how many games you saw the Udinese Number 8 play last season on BT Sport. You don’t know more about him than the crack team of player analysts and scouts that every Premier League club employ* to help them decide which player to purchase.

Harry Redknapp

*Every Premier League team apart from the ones managed by Harry Redknapp. He has ‘other’ ways of doing things.

The clubs spend endless hours analysing all the players available (or not) out there. They spend weeks, months and sometimes years working in the background to set up even just an opportunity to try and entice a player to their club. There are scouts, committees, agents, spoofers, shakers and makers. They all combine to make transfers happen. They know more than you. Yes, YOU. Don’t be fooled and think I’m referring to anyone else, that I’m talking about that gobshite on Twitter that disagreed with you last week. I’m talking about YOU.

Don’t take it personally. Hang on, actually, yes you should, I am talking about YOU.

You’re entitled to your opinion of course. Hell without that then Twitter would be like Ceefax in the 80’s, but worse. However, please refrain from making statements of fact when it’s just your opinion. It’s not big and it’s not clever, and quite frankly it’s quite upsetting…especially when it’s different to mine.

And to those of you who see a ‘big’ name linked to your club but WAIL that they’re not good enough and that your club should be throwing in a bid for Messi/Ronaldo/Hazard/Pogba, I have four words for you. GET. A. F*CKING. GRIP. Why in the name of all that is holy, sweet, innocent and pure would players like that come to YOUR club?

  • Money – they’re loaded already, thanks.
  • Titles – they’ve run out of space to store them already, thanks again.
  • Prestige of your club – Ummm, have you seen who they already play for? No, your club is NOT bigger than Barcelona et al. Sure, I get that you think it is, but it’s not. It’s really not. Maybe in 50 years time it might be. Anything could happen. Maybe in 5 years time I’ll be sipping champagne from the navel of Kelly Brook…..

Sorry, where was I? Oh aye, Twitter Tw*ts. Stop it. Just stop it. Ok?

Roll on the new season when people can moan about something that really matters, like the scheduling of the games on Match of the Day. Oh God….


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