Simon Mignolet: 3 Shots on Target. 3 Goals. This may sound harsh on Migs, who did very little wrong (apart from trying to gift United a goal in the 1st half when he did a passable impression of Stevie Wonder playing in goal…), but when you’re supposed to be playing for a ‘top tier’ side, are you not expected to do the unexpected and save shots you’re not supposed to? Simon actually gets an extra point for his superb reaction to the opening goal from Blind. Migs nailed it, ticking all the boxes: Rooted To The Spot? Yep. Statuesque? Nailed it. Stunned for a split second? Absolutely. 6/10.
Nathaniel Clyne: Patsy started the season in scintillating form, but just like the team in general, his standards are slipping as each match passes. You can’t blame him either, playing in that shambles of a ‘defence’. Didn’t get forward much, kept busy by the raiding of Luke Shaw from left-back, taken out of the equation for United’s opener. Didn’t do much wrong, didn’t do much right. 6/10.
Martin Skrtel: Nnnnnggggg….Martin, you are the senior defender at the back. The longest-serving, senior statesman. Therefore, when a 19-year-old overpriced French child dances past you two minutes after your side give themselves a lifeline, you need to be horsewhipped. By a horse. For a month. I also lay the blame for the first goal at your feet. As the senior defender, you have GOT to see that move coming. I saw it coming and I was three sheets to the wind in a pub hundreds of miles away. You have been fortunate Martin having the omni-shambles that is Dejan ‘fecking’ Lovren alongside you, stealing the ‘How bad is he’ limelight. Yet you’re pushing hard for that attention. 3/10.
Dejan Lovren: *Sigh* How to rate Dejan? Meh. Yeah, that about covers it. 5/10.
Joe Gomez: Another player who started so well, but is declining at a rate of knots. It’s not his fault in fairness. He’s just graduated from football pre-school and has been thrown into a Master’s Degree by a headmaster who has lost his mind. He’s not a left-back, although this does not excuse the penalty – I don’t care if you’re a left-back, centre-back or Ice Hockey goalie, you can’t tackle like that. I hope he’s of a strong mind, as I’d hate to see a vulnerable ego smashed to pieces in the current catastrophe that is Liverpool Football Club. 4/10.
Lucas Leiva: Imagine if Lucas had left a few weeks ago when he was indeed halfway out the door, bags packed, before Brendan had a last-minute change of heart and offered him one last rumble in the hay. LFC would have played Manchester United yesterday with, ummm, Jordan Rossiter in that holding role. God forbid. Lucas never looks ‘good’, his role is to do the dirty stuff that few people notice. In fairness to him, he did just that in the 1st half very effectively. He needs to take some blame for not reading the first United goal (sensing a theme here?), but he did what he could in a team that was not fit for purpose. 5/10.
Emre Can: Jackie catches the eye regularly during his appearances for LFC. He either gives the ball away in a bad area to make you yell obscenities at the TV, or he marauds forward, powering past opponents and getting you on your feet, before realising that he has no idea what to do with the ball when he gets in the danger zone, and gives it away, causing yet more obscenities to be yelled at the TV. Emre Can is the reason I don’t have a ‘Swear Jar’ at home. I have a ‘Swear Tank’. Still way better than Joe Allen though. 5/10.
James Milner: “But I think the move to come to Liverpool and take that mantle on myself was more of a selfish move and hopefully I can do well and contribute to success at Liverpool. “I’d like to think you will see the best of me now I am in the central role.”. Yeah….NO. 4/10.
Danny Ings: I refuse to rate a centre-forward with a record of 1 goal in every 3 games at Premier League level (playing for Burnley too), when he’s told to play in a defensive-left-midfield role. It would be like rating the quality of Pablo Picasso if I asked him to paint my bathroom wall in plain magnolia. He worked hard. All credit to him. 6/10.
Roberto Firmino: I’m not an expert on body language, but I am 100% certain that I saw Firmino think ‘what the hell have I signed up to here?’, and that was 10 minutes into the match. Clearly this is a player that will thrive and succeed in a team that, how can I put this in a way you’ll understand….oh yeah, ATTACKS. Has a go. Has a pop. Runs at defences. Tries to score goals. LFC don’t do that anymore. Poor Roberto. 5/10.
Christian Benteke: At one point yesterday Christian was so isolated from his teammates that he took out his mobile and called Danny Ings to find out if the game was still on or whether the lads had gone off for half-time. He may was well have been stood in Anfield. He had one half-chance and he scored a THUNDERBASTARD. A wonderful goal. A stunner. A worldie. 9/10. Just for that goal.
Jordon Ibe: ’00J’ I’m calling Jordon now (I just copped that he doesn’t have an ‘a’ in his name, it’s two ‘o’s’). He has a licence to thrill. He doesn’t know where he left it unfortunately. One day he’ll find it. He was heavily involved in the 10 minutes or so when Liverpool had a go at United. Great shot that was well saved by De Gea. He gave a glimpse of what Liverpool could have done if they had approached the match with an attacking mentality. That just made us all even madder than we were. 6/10.
Divock Origi: This was the stuff of dreams. A young player making his debut for the mighty Liverpool Football Club, coming off the bench when his side were 2-0 down and playing like a poor pub-side. Yep, a real nightmare. He huffed, he puffed, he didn’t really do much. I’ll reserve judgement for now. 5/10.
Alberto Moreno: He came on for Lucas just after Martial had scored the third for United. There you go, that’s all you need to know. 5/10.
Brendan Rodgers: WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK ARE YOU DOING? Danny Ings wide left defensive midfield? Firmino wide right defensive midfield? Dejan Lovren? Joe Gomez left back? DO YOU LEARN NOTHING AS YOU GO ALONG? Here’s a suggestion: If you wanted a wide-left defensive midfielder, BERTIE BLOODY MORENO IS YOUR MAN. YOU SPANNER. Joe Gomez is not a left-back. What’s that? You only have Moreno instead? WELL, WHO’S BLOODY FAULT IS THAT THEN?
Have you seen Manchester United this season? I have. They’re bang average. They have no strikers. They’re arguing with their manager. Rooney was out. They had an elbowing fuzzy haired freak playing up front. What do you do? Go defensive. YOU BELLEND. Attack them! Have a go! What’s the worst that could happen? Lose 3-1? Oh….
I’m a Liverpool fan. I don’t call for the head of the manager. I never have, even if I gently sigh relief when the axe falls on certain managers (yes, it was Hodgson). But I’m close with you Brendan. It’s not that we’re losing, or conceding, it’s the WAY we’re losing and conceding. You had XI players playing some of the most attacking football I’ve ever seen just two years ago. I know Luis was dynamite, but that doesn’t mean you can’t play the same way again. I beg you Brendan, entertain us. Have a go. If it’s not good enough, you’ll lose your job, but you’ll be respected. At this rate you’ll lose your job and you’ll be despised. You don’t deserve that. You made us dream again. It feels a long time ago now, but you did. Protect that legacy at least. If you’re going to go, go out swinging.