Bordeaux v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Simon MignoletSimon Mignolet: Solid. Some good saves, if not spectacular. Broke Kolo Toure. Improving in his ‘Superman’ punches, in that he mostly connects with the ball. What a time to be alive….7/10. 

Kolo ToureKolo Toure: Oh Kolo. Poor Kolo. You wait MONTHS to play again after the shellacking at Stoke, and you get knobbled by your own goalkeeper within 20 minutes. Kolo either doesn’t speak Scouse-Flemish (That’s a new dialect, not a winter illness) or he’s stone deaf. I’m presuming Migs called for that ball. His injury was probably a blessing as he’d been squared up, beaten and booked within 15 minutes. That would have been a LOOOONG time for a player lacking pace to survive away from home. 4/10.  

Joe GomezJoe Gomez: Well now. Look at that. You play young Joey G in a position that he’s half-familiar with, and he puts in a decent shift. Composed, good passing (it’s amazing what a player can do when he’s able to use the foot he’s good with) but he does need to improve on his game-reading and positioning just a bit. Lost his man a couple of times when a long, straight ball down the middle caused much more concern than it should have. However, he’s only 12-and-a-half years old, so he’ll improve. 7/10. 

Mamadou SakhoMamadou Sakho: *To the tune of Waterloo*…’Mamadou, show me how you like to win the ball. Mamadou, we’ll love you and love you forever more. Woah-oh-oh-oh Mamadou, I couldn’t love you more if I wanted to’. The fact that Dejan ‘LOLZ’ Lovren plays ahead of this man is a modern mystery. It’s up there with the Third Secret of Fatima, The Loch Ness Monster, and Donald Trumps Hair. Sakho was top-notch, his passing was quick and incisive. For the majority of the game he had a child and a midfielder alongside him in a back-three with a hyperactive Spaniard and a gormless half-wit as his wing-backs. I don’t care if you disagree with me, Sakho is ‘IT’, whatever ‘IT’ is. Brendan making him Captain for the night was peak-Brendan in fairness to him. 8/10. 

Alberto MorenoAlberto Moreno: Left-wing-back. The ideal position for Alberto Moreno. He only has to defend a bit (which is a good thing), and he can bomb on a lot (also a good thing). If he could add a better end-product to his attacking game, he’d be a hell of a player, and would almost be worth playing 3 at the back for alone. Alas, the end-product is not there yet, so he excites you for 10 seconds as he scampers forward, and then disappoints as he cuts back. Or gives it away. Or falls over. 6/10. 

Jordan IbeJordon Ibe: ‘Double-O-J’ was MINGING. Stank the place out like a Kipper hidden under the floorboards in a Puerto-Rican drug den for the last 24 years. In fairness to him, he’s been put in a position that he’s not accustomed to, but he plays for Brendan Rodgers, so he should expect to play in any position ever used in the history of Association Football, including Goalkeeper. The key to playing right-wing-back is the word ‘back’. You need to defend Jordon. I lost count of the amount of times a ball was played dangerously into our defence, over the heads of our centre-backs, and you were standing there, all your weight on your front-foot, ready to pounce onto the counter-attack, while your opposite number had time to control, look-up and shoot. You came in for ‘extra-training’ in the summer. I’m afraid that Brendan has gotten into your head. Maybe he tried a Vulcan Mind Meld. I have to admit I called you a rude name. I’m not going to say what it is as this is a family blog (hah!). Let me just say it rhymes with ‘Tucking-Brother-Lucking-Monk-Tucket’. 2/10. 

Jordan RossiterJordan Rossiter: I like the cut of this boy’s jib. That’s not a sexual reference by the way. It was refreshing to see a footballer play the game in a simple manner. He looked for the ball endlessly (yes Joe Allen, that’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do). When he got the ball he knew how much time he had because he’d looked around him before he received it (still listening Joe?). He then passed the ball to a teammate, often when they were in space and in a good position (take notes Joe). That was it really, but in this modern LFC team, this kind of play is a REVELATION. I’d play young Rossiter ahead of Lucas now, I was that impressed. Give him more game time. Build up his experience. He’s a diamond this boy. 7/10. 

Emre CanEmre Can: I’m going to give Emre two ratings today. As a midfielder he was 5/10. Too many sloppy passes, not enough end-product, and his usual amount of ‘DYNAMIC-LUNG-BURSTING-EXCITING-BURTS-FORWARD-OH-LOOK-HE-LOST-IT-AGAIN’ moments. Then Kolo was KO’d, and he reverted back to the right of a back-three in defence. Oh how he must have loved that. In fairness to him he did pretty well, apart from when they scored, like. Yet a player like Can is pretty handy for a team. Master of no-trades (yet), Jack of many (not all). 6/10. 

Adam LallanaAdam Lallana: Oh Adam, you cheeky scamp. I had my review of you written after an hour, and it was going to be brutal. For a start, I was going with ‘Lallana? Nah, Nah, La’. Brutal indeed. I’ve written on this blog before about my theory for Adam. He’s caught in a time-warp. Always doing things one second after they should have been done. A good ball just behind a teammate. A good ball from a teammate just ahead of his run. A nice turn, into trouble, yet a second earlier he would have been through. Another good example last night in the first half when he was played clear through, yet by the time he tried his shot, he had been tackled and only ended up kicking his opponent and hurting himself. Classic Lallana. Then he went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like scoring a cracker. Mind you, that time-warp he suffers from I think is growing into a bubble that is starting to envelop those around him. For his goal he beat the first man, then the second defender seemed to be caught in the bubble and hesitated that second too long, allowing Adam to slot home. I enjoy goals like these the most – those ‘out of the blue’ moments by a team/player that you least expect. It adds to the joy by about 1%. 7/10.

Philippe CoutinhoPhilippe Coutinho: As ever our most dangerous player. Full of jinks, dinks and winks. It worries me how much of our attacking play goes through him though. I mean, it won’t be that hard for a well-organised team to put a man on him and then we’re stuffed as an attacking threat. We need more threats/distractions for other teams to worry about. We need Firmino and Sturridge to start firing and/or start playing again. Unlucky not to score with a THUNDERBASTARD of a shot that smashed off the post at the end of the first half. Gave the keeper the eyes too, which from 30 yards is fantastic. You feel for Philippe at times, as he dances his way towards the opposing back four. He’s looking for those clever runs of Suarez and Sturridge, and instead he has Origi doing his best impression of a tree. GIve this man a fluid forward line and he’ll open up defences more often than Katie Hopkins opens up a can of worms. 7/10. 

Divock OrigiDivock Origi: Origi-nil. Not original, but it’s apt. I suppose you could say he worked hard. I suppose you could say he tried. I suppose you could say….he’s a bit average. Made a decent-ish run in the first half and was played through by Moreno. He dragged the shot horribly wide. BT Sport said his blushes had been spared by the offside flag…they hadn’t been. It was a poor miss. Apart from that I don’t remember him doing much, and I was sober all match. A bad sign indeed.  5/10. 

Substitutes: 

Pedro ChirivellaPedro Chirivella: Pedro got 62 minutes of action in Europe for Liverpool Football Club. Good for him. He’s been waiting in the wings for a while now, and I know those of you that watch the under-age Liverpool teams have been calling for him to get a chance for ages. You were right (and you’re all a bit weird, no disrespect meant). He was tidy, uncomplicated, and he held the midfield pretty well alongside Rossiter, which is an achievement considering their combined age is 21. Should get more opportunities from the bench this season, particularly in this competition. Oh, and the League Cup! Awesome. 6/10.

Danny IngsDanny Ings: Only got 17′ of action, and based on those 17′, LFC would have won this game had he started. Did a startling impression of Denis Bergkamp within minutes of coming on as he took a long ball over his shoulder, flicked it back over the defenders head with a first-touch that made me touch myself (not for the first time, I admit), and was denied by a fine save. That goal would have tempted me to leave my wife and run away with it. Showed real energy and proved to be a handful for the Bordeaux players when he came on. For the life of me I can’t work out why Brendan won’t play him alongside Big Ben and actually give the opposition a problem for once. 7/10. 

Cameron BrannaganCameron Brannagan: Brendan decided, with 80′ gone, and LFC winning 1-0, that the average age of the team was too low, and this was a threat to our lead, so he took off Rossiter, put on a player a full year older, and within a minute the French had equalised. I’m not blaming Brannagan here. I’m just pointing out a series of events. He was alright after that I suppose. 5/10. 

Manager:

Brendan RodgersBrendan Rodgers: I said enough about Brendan in my last blog, so I’m not going over old points. What I will say is this: We scored one goal, which is good for us these days. We conceded one goal, which is good for us these days. That Brendan darling, is the crux of the matter. Fix both statements, and you’ll be laughing. Credit for giving young players a chance, they paid you back handsomely. Oh, and PLAY TWO UP FRONT YOU STEAMING BUCKET OF SH*TE.

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