Southampton v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Alex Bogdan






Adam Bogdan: You get rare opportunities when you’re the reserve goalkeeper for Liverpool. Poor Mike Hooper played just 6 minutes in 28 years for example*. Lo and behold, young Bogdan got a rare chance, and conceded a goal in the first 42 seconds of the match. Ouch. However, he recovered and *technically* he kept a clean sheet for more than 90 minutes. So that constitutes a clean sheet, right? Well, as I’m a bit pissed, and we’ve just won 6-1, I’m saying it does!


Connor Randall

Connor Randall: When Liverpool win 6-1 away from home there are many, many things that tend to catch the eye. Six fecking goals for a start. Impressive build up play. Superb assists. Smug managers. However, when that team features an incredibly raw full-back who gets himself booked in the first 4′ of the match (…ish), who goes on to play the full match without even being troubled for the remaining 86′ (…ish), you have to sit up and take notice. This kid took the place of ‘Patsy’ Clyne, arguably the most consistent player of the season for Liverpool so far (I said arguably, so make your point below…), and he had a stormer. He didn’t try to be too flashy, kept it simple, but kept it effective. Under Klopp, this kid could be the new ‘Flanagan’. I’m chuffed for him.


Who am I? Where am I? What's that round thing? A

Hands up who thought that Dejan would become a ‘stalwart’ in the Liverpool defence this season? *Grabs binoculars*. Aye, thought so. Yet here he is, anchoring a defence against an attack containing Pele, Mane and Tadic. Personally I’d be shitting myself facing a player called ‘Pele’. Not because I think it’s the original Pele (that would be ludicrous), but because any player going by that name, and making it as a pro, must be shit-f*cking-hot. He may well be, but he didn’t get a sniff against Dejan tonight, who also had to cope with a reasonably impressive period of sustained ‘booing’ from the St. Mary’s faithful (idiots). They got to the 30′ mark before they got bored and stopped (and moved onto Lallana, the arseholes). Good work Dejan.


Martin Skrtel

Martin Skrtel: He came. He saw. He conquered. He nicked some toiletries. He scared the shit out of a cleaner. He kept it tight at the back (after the first 10′ of madness). He’s the man. THE MAN. Clear? Good.



Alberto Moreno

Alberto Moreno: How the hell am I supposed to keep this a short summary? This kid was involved in EVERYTHING from start to finish. Let’s begin with the start (how logical)…He completely lost his man in the first 41 seconds of the match…he recovered and created (not quite scored) the third goal for Liverpool. He then created the fifth goal. He is playing with 20 injuries according to Herr Klopp. He’s a mere child too. Real Madrid are interested (the bastards). For some reason I don’t have an issue with my left-back sending me on a roller-coaster with his performance. If any other defender does it, they need shooting. Does that make sense to anyone else?


Emre Can

Emre Can: ‘Wafted’ a leg at the first ‘attempted’ cross for Southampton and caused me to take his name in vain. I’m an awful gobshite. He recovered to submit yet another impressive performance including an assist that Steven Gerrard would masturbate over in his dreams – A sublime outside of the right foot instant flick-pass into the path of Daniel Sturridge to give Liverpool the lead. He picked up a yellow card for bumping gently into an opponent a mere 23 minutes before he fell to the floor, which earned him a one-match suspension, and he rightly remonstrated with the referee. In fact I’m fairly sure the referee learned some German tonight as ‘Jackie’ was constantly berating him for…well…being a flute. He now has a well-earned rest on Sunday when Henderson/Allen/Lucas can fill in.


Joe Allen









Joe Allen: Oh my. Where did THAT come from? A fantastic performance from ‘Poor Joe’ which saw him get a foot in defensively, show vision in the middle third (including THAT pass to Sturridge), and thread through effective assists in an attacking sense. It was such a dynamic, dare-do performance with the beard that I thought Antonio Banderas had the Liverbird on his chest. As Emre Can picked up his 5th booking of the season, I resisted the temptation to hold my head in my hands and curse every known God. Instead I glanced at Joe and thought ‘You got this’. You should see my eyebrows right now…they’re touching my ceiling…..



Lucas Leiva: An effective, standard, average, routine, normal performance. I’m not sure if you get what I’m saying here, so let me say this. It was a BOG-STANDARD, CARBON-COPY, TYPICAL LUCAS PERFORMANCE. That’s a world-class level by the way.  He’s one man for some man with his ‘charming’ of the referees. I admire that ability. However tonight he fouled a man and the referee booked Emre Can. That’s amazing.


Daniel Sturridge

Daniel Sturridge: Are you kidding me? This guy has been injured for the best part of 267 years. He was ‘kind-of’ fit a few weeks ago when he appeared for 80 minutes against Villa and scored two goals. He then felt ‘alright’ to appear against Southampton, and proceeded to score another two goals. Both of which were world-class. As I said on Twitter ‘Daniel Sturridge brings me to tears with his ability, and he brings me to tears when he’s injured’. I spend my whole life crying. Based on tonight, I’ll gladly drown in my own tears for this man.


Adam Lallana

Adam Lallana: Another player returning to his old ‘haunting ground’, and he looked up for it tonight. An ‘effervescent’ performance….I’ve heard that he stuck an Alka-Seltzer up his arse before kick-off, and it seems to have worked. Without either of his normal Samba partners up front, he prodded and probed, and generally performed a prostate exam on Southampton. They didn’t seem too happy with it, so I suspect Adam didn’t use enough lube….


Divock Origi

Divock Origi: Below is an extract from my review of Divock when he took on Bournemouth in the last round of this competiton:

He’s a grafter is Divok. He really tries. He has yet to find that ‘spark’ to take him to the next level, but I think he has it in him. I sense it may be a lack of belief. A few times last night, he just needed to be selfish. Knock it past his man, and race after it. He’s got pace, and that scares the bejaysus out of defenders more than anything else. Believe in yourself more Divok. Head down, arse up, and go for it. You have nothing to lose…

Seriously, what more do you want from me? Jurgen has instilled the belief, and I called what would happen if he did. This kid kept Lukaku out of the Belgian World Cup Team in 2014…never forget that. Oh, he got a perfect hat-trick tonight too. Left foot. Right foot. Header. Heh.



Jordan Ibe

Jordon Ibe: Introduced after an hour for Sturridge. He created the fourth goal for Origi. He scored the fifth goal for Liverpool. He opened negotiations with Barclays for his mortgage and he secured a 15% discount on his Sky package. That’s Jordon Ibe for you….


Jordan Henderson

Jordon Henderson: Our leader is back. He is itching to get on the pitch, but he celebrates our goals on the sideline like the best of us. I’m happy. So is he. *squeeeeeeee*


Brad Smith

Brad Smith: Upon his introduction I remarked ‘Oh yeah…I remember him!’. Then he did THAT to create the sixth goal for Origi and I remarked ‘FUCKING HELL….’. Jurgen Klopp pulled a ‘sex-face’. Well in lad.


Jurgen Klopp

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

He is the second coming. The first lad could turn water into wine. This lad can turn shit into gold. Seriously, how else can you explain this? I’m not going to say it here. I’m not. Yet you’re thinking it. I’m thinking it. It’s on. You know it. I know it. Let’s leave it there, shall we?


*Mike Hooper played more than that

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Xxx.


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