Simon Mignolet: Oh you thundering, clusterf*cking, w*ankstaining, frustrating, dream-shattering, Belgian waffle-eating arsehole. You gave West Brom a goal. YOU GAVE THEM A GOAL. Do you have any idea how hard it is to score a goal against West Brom? It’s rarer than rocking-horse shit. This was classic, vintage Tony Pulis. We ended up scoring two which is a pretty decent achievement if you compare that against how many goals West Brom have conceded away from home this season. Of course if you do that, you have to look at how many they have scored away from home this season, and that’s where we have the problem. Their second goal? Quality ball, quality goal. I make allowances for that. However the first goal? YOU F*CKING BELLEND.
Nathaniel Clyne: Any chance we can dabble in the science lab in the near future? I’d like to splice the DNA of Glen Johnson and Patsy Clyne, and try the following: Take the attacking ability, final ball, eye for a pass from Glen Johnson, and implant it into the DNA of Clyne. That’s what he’s missing. When he gets forward as much as he did today against a team sitting deeper than the Titanic on the sea-bed, we need a viable threat to cause them problems. He didn’t provide that today. He’s solid at the back, which is an improvement on the aforementioned Glen Johnson, but that X-Factor is missing. Speaking of which, if those ‘Jedward-wannabe’ tits win tonight, they need to close the c*nt. Immediately.
Dejan Lovren: Oh Dejan. Poor Dejan. Get well soon. It’s not nice to have your leg amputated by an opponent on the pitch, but I’m hoping that the advancement in medical science should have you back on the pitch in the next couple of months. It’s unfortunate for you too that Mamadou is back in training this week. You’ve done very well when given the chance, and when you recover you’ll have a lot more goodwill from LFC fans in the future. Clearly that Gardner b*stard should have had a red card, a massive fine, a 3-year prison sentence and a 3-hour waterboarding session, but we’ll work out something else instead. Sleep with one eye open Craig.
Martin Skrtel: The truth is out there. That’s what Mulder and Scully said in the 90’s, and it’s as true today as it was then. The truth is that Martin is not going to be the CB of choice for Herr Klopp when push comes to shove, when his Santa list is delivered to the North Pole, and when a truth serum is injected into his veins. He’s decent, but decent doesn’t cut it at Anfield I’m afraid. Was Carra decent? Was Sami? Hansen? Lawrenson? Martin has been a faithful servant, but then again so are many dogs, and while we may shed a tear when they are euthanised, we move on pretty quickly.
Alberto Moreno: Quiet. Very quiet. Got forward a few times on the left, and delivered some quality balls into the box. His threat on the left was actually far more than Clyne on the right, but the balance of attacks on each flank was 2:1 in the wrong ratio. I know that’s mathematical, and I have been drinking, so you’ll have to work it out for yourself. I’d like to point you towards Pythagoras – that bugger seems to be the answer to everything in maths. Langer.
James Milner: How the motherf*cking hell did this man stay on the pitch for the full 90 minutes? I mean, he’s like the big bad wolf, isn’t he? He huffs, and he puffs, but he never blows the fecking house down. I reckon he’s like David Cameron – he doesn’t want to destroy the pigs house, he wants to f*ck the pig instead. That’s the only explanation. I genuinely thought that when Hendo was back, he’d slip onto the bench, but instead he stays instead of Lucas, one of our best performers this season…he’s got incriminating picks of Ian Ayre…at a swingers club, shifting Delia Smith. *shudder*
Jordan Henderson: Oh Captain, my Captain. An incredible performance from Hendo, which seemed to be a live, living, real-time tribute to the last long-term Anfield Captain. His goal was incredibly similar to ‘him’. Alas, so was some of his passing in the final third for the rest of the match. Too many times he tried the ‘Hollywood’ ball, when a continuation of the incessant pressure would more than likely have led to an erosion of the rearguard facing us. Still, it’s great to have him back though, and in a single 90-minute performance, he’s proved that he’s 450% more useful than James Milner.
Emre Can: Fast-becoming a crucial part of this team. His energy and drive in the middle of the park was superb, and I believe that his performance was the best of the day among those in red. He was constantly composed, always ready to step in when West Brom threatened, and showed his versatility when he stepped in as CB after the injury to Lovren. That versatility allowed Klopp to throw on Divock Origi instead of Kolo Toure, and, well, the result speaks for itself….
Philippe Coutinho: Man dear, it’s superb to have him back. In the first half, he showed instantly what we’ve been missing for the past few weeks. He single-handedly drags the team forward by about 10 yards, and the trust that his teammates have in him allow them to bomb forward to support his potential flicks, tricks and…err…kicks. Aye, that’s family-friendly. He flagged in the second half, understandably, but his absence and his subsequent return has proved beyond any doubt (although if you doubted this you’re clearly a moron) that Philippe is crucial to any and all LFC ambitions this season.
Adam Lallana: S.H.O.U.L.D. H.A.V.E. S.C.O.R.E.D.
Christian Benteke: Oh Christ, Christian. What the hell are we going to do with you, eh? If Sturridge wasn’t made of crackers, and if Danny Ings wasn’t broken…you’d be creating a fine arse groove on the Anfield bench for the foreseeable future. I mean…you don’t make a darting move into the box when it’s needed…you give out when a teammate doesn’t pick out one of our 1/100 runs…you sometimes hold up the ball…you don’t give the other team a major headache…you get in the way of your own keeper at corners (that’s harsh, but I’m annoyed)…Origi is emerging Ben…
Jordon Ibe: No longer a teenager. That means I can tear strips off him without feeling bad. You’re a big boy now Jordon…but in fairness, you made a difference. I particularly liked the big deep breath you took as you entered the action – it showed that footballers feel nerves too, even just coming off the bench. You’ve got a huge career in front of you kid. Keep your head down, your arse up, and the rest will take care of itself. Oh, and practice that left-foot shooting, aye?
Divock Origi: Bonnie Tyler sang ‘I need a hero’ once upon a time. Liverpool need an attacking hero this season, and I think we may have found one. Following up on his hat-trick at Southampton, and his ‘impressive’ (according to Herr Klopp) run-out in Sion, Divock was sprung off the bench, and he rescued a valuable point for the team deep in injury-time. It’s a cliché, but it’s true…if you don’t buy a ticket, you can’t win the raffle. Well, if I were you Divock, I’d enter the Euromillions drawn next Tuesday mate. Cheers!
Roberto Firmino: Alright, I’ll level with you. I forgot he came on. That’s how much impact he had. Enough said.
Manager: Jurgen Klopp: He’s one hell of a cheer-leader, innee? I’m tempted to make him some pom-poms and ship them to Anfield next week. I don’t think I’d like to see him in a short skirt though. His insistence with Benteke, and his reluctance to pair Philippe and Bobby F together puzzles me, but his enthusiasm wins me over every time. We’ve reached the end of the ‘Honeymoon Period’ at Anfield, and from now on it’s going to get critical…in every sense of the word….
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