This is a follow-up to a blog I posted in July before the season started: https://rantsofarebel.wordpress.com/2015/07/29/the-management-class-of-20152016/ which may be useful for context.
Well that’s been an interesting term, eh? 5 of the original 20 classmates have been expelled, with another on his final, final, definitely final, final, final, warning.
Back in July the class was led by José Mourinho. He was ‘The Man’. The one we all feared, the one we all craved respect from…and now he’s gone. It’s no surprise really, as once Ms. Carneiro has it in for you, you’re a goner. We don’t really know what José did to Ms. Carneiro, and the rumours have been flying. Was he really caught behind the bike sheds with her? Did he really pour sugar in her fuel tank? Either way, she’s the real power-broker, and he’s gone. Quite a shock. His seat has been taken by a guy we had in our class a few years ago, Guus Hiddink. I like having him back ‘cos he’s got a funny name. Heh.
Louis Van Gaal is the student on very thin ice. He’s been a very bold boy for months now – he never does his homework, refuses to answer questions in class, gives a stare of distain to every single teacher, and he’s got a string of ‘F’s’ in his past few exams. One more bad result and he’ll be out. Everyone is secretly pleased because he’s a real weirdo…and he smells funny. Good riddance. Hopefully.
LVG has a best mate in Manuel Pellegrini. We don’t know why, but his name is missing from every list of activities and exams next year. Someone has also hung a Spanish flag on his locker and scrawled the initials ‘PG’ on it. Very odd. He’s from Chile and his initials are ‘MP’.
Arsene Wenger is still the class grump, but he’s been in good humour recently as he’s been getting some very good exam results. Every now and again though he seems to lose his mind and comes out with a horror show. Some of his textbooks and equipment are tattered and torn, but he refuses to buy new stuff. We know he has the cash, but he’s a stubborn bugger. He’s had less issues with his winter coat this year due to the mild weather.
Brendan Rodgers is no longer with us, thankfully. He just got that bit too weird to be honest. In the end he kept thinking that he was the teacher. Even when he was being shipped out, he kept yelling at us what we needed to do to improve our character.
His place in class has been taken by a German exchange student called Jurgen Klopp. He’s a really funny guy, which is unusual for a German. He’s quickly become one of the most popular boys in class, but he’s had a bit of a run-in with Pulis. Old Tony doesn’t like your flashy foreigner types. They seem to have forgotten about it…for now.
Ronald Koeman is still the class jock, but between your and me he’s gotten a bit flabby recently. I mean I won’t say that to his face or he’ll hang me off the nearest flagpost by my underpants, but I think he enjoyed humiliating Wenger the other day, to cement his reputation as a destroyer of nerds and professors.
Alex Neil has settled in since being transferred from Scotland. He’s quiet enough, keeps himself to himself, and we’re starting to understand his accent. He humiliated LVG with a cracking prank the other day, his best moment in class so far.
We all miss Garry Monk. An intelligent, quiet and reserved character, he was shafted and stitched up which led to his expulsion. We think Mr. Jenkins was behind it, the Welsh w*nker. He’s a bad egg that one. There’s nobody sitting in Gaz’s chair at the moment, so we’ve created a shrine to him by hanging a Monks habit off the back of his chair.
One ex-classmate we’re not sorry to see the back of is Tim Sherwood. He used to be one of the lads, a bit of a laugh, but soon after the new school term started he disappeared up his own arse, never to be seen again.
His seat has been taken by Remi Garde, who’s come from France. He’s been handed all the assignments and projects that Sherwood was working on, and now he’s working 18 hour days trying to clear up the absolute clusterf*ck that Timmy left behind. Poor Remi.
The class bully is still Slaven Bilic. The real hard man of the group, and somebody you don’t cross. He started term with a string of A+ results, but since then he’s had a few C and D results. Of course no teacher is even questioning him about that…they wouldn’t dare.
One man unafraid of Bilic, or anybody else, is Tony Pulis. Another hard man, but one that remains aloof. As previously mentioned he had a barney in the playground with new boy Klopp a couple of weeks ago, and I for one am surprised he didn’t stick the nut on the German. He’s ticking along as usual this year, and once again he’s another that you daren’t question about progress or ‘goals’.
Roberto Martinez continues to woo all the girls in school with his latin looks and ‘butter-wouldn’t-melt’ smile. He has had some problems when he was accused of supplying drink to the Year 9’s. We know he didn’t, but he got done for it…he’s unable to arrange a defence y’see.
His best mate in class is Mauricio Pochettino. Mauricio has decided this year to settle down and really concentrate on his studies, and it seems to be paying off. He looks destined to have a choice of a Top 4 College come May.
Alan Pardew is another who’s having a good year. He’s got some great results and according to latest rumours he’s allegedly slept with 4 teachers, 6 students and a labrador. Such is Alan’s way. Allegedly. I said allegedly. Alright? Allegedly.
Eddie Howe was the new boy in class last August . Nicknamed ‘The Milkybar Kid’, he was, as I predicted last July, beaten up quite regularly in the first few weeks. However he didn’t run away and tell his mommy, and he didn’t cry, so he’s earned respect from the rest of us. He’s now starting to bloody a nose or two himself. Good for him.
Steve McLaren…Oh where to start with Steve? He’s had a bit of a nightmare truth be told. He’s the butt of all jokes, he’s had an unprecedented 3,865 wedgies administered to him since August, and he still thinks he’s popular. What a flute.
Claudio Ranieri was a surprise addition to the class this year and was woefully underestimated by everyone. He’s now Top Dog would you believe. Yet again though nobody thinks it will last, particularly after the German Klopp gave him a black eye the other day. Mind you, Claudio has a little Rotweiller named ‘Vardy’ by his side at all times to protect him, a real vicious little thing. Snarly.
Mark Hughes has continued to work on changing how he’s perceived by his peers. He desperately wants us all to forget about his rough, tough combative past and take him seriously as a student with ability. He’s getting there too, it must be said. He’s got some cracking results this year, and I can see him casting an ambitious eye towards the Van Gaal seat every now and again – he wants it you know…
Dick Advocaat was finally retired from duty this year. We all thought he was leaving last summer but he was a bit afraid of the outside world. However his results were a bit sh*t…actually, they were a lot sh*t…so the choice was taken off him and he was booted out the door. Good luck Dick. Send us a postcard.
Sam Allardyce came back to replace Dick. Sam’s been a member of this class for a long time now on and off, and it’s good to have him back. True to form on his first day back he tried to sit in the José seat, then the Van Gaal seat, then the Wenger seat and finally the Pellegrini seat, until he was shown to his seat in the back left corner with the funny smell.
Finally, we have Quique Flores. He was a complete unknown last July, but we’ve all come to realise very quickly that this guy knows his onions. He was respected until he pulled Klopp’s lederhosen down and spanked his ass in front of the whole class. Now he’s feared….
So there you have it, the half-term report for the Management Class of 2015/2016. One thing’s for sure, there will be more expelled by the time the end of year report is compiled in May.