Simon Mignolet: Kept us in the game with a series of decent saves. Didn’t do much wrong apart from parrying a shot into the centre of the six-yard box. He’s played in goal for Liverpool in the 1st game of 2016. I’ll bet good money that he won’t play in goal for Liverpool in the 1st game of 2017 though.
Nathaniel Clyne: Not a good day. In fact it was a pretty sh*te day. Woefully caught out for the opening goal, in terms of positioning, jumping and desire. Then found himself marking two men, one of which was Andy ‘The Donkey’ Carroll, and was easily beaten for the second goal. Didn’t do much going forward…AGAIN. Had some decent positions, but his final ball is pure muck. My mother always said there’s money in muck and Patsy gets paid thousands a week. She’s always right my mother.
Mamadou Sakho: Mamadou deserves an extra point for simply being able to walk today, never mind playing in this match, following the horror tackle by Lens during the week. However he did play, but was as lethargic and ineffectual as the rest of his teammates. He loses a point for not swinging off the Donkey’s ponytail every 30 seconds to be honest. I’d have been yanking it constantly. I’m sure he’d eventually yell ‘NAY’. Then I’d feed him a carrot.
Dejan Lovren: I’m giving him a 5 because he was part of a clusterf*ck performance, but this time there was no particular individual clusterf*ck, so that’s a definite improvement. He too didn’t wind up Carroll enough. He could have been in his ear all match telling him that he was a disastrous purchase for Liverpool and a complete waste of money. There’s no way The Donkey would have had a comeback for that. Oh….
Alberto Moreno: He was unlucky not to win the free-kick when attacking the Hammers goal, which was the catalyst for the first goal. However the guy that slid in on him ended up scoring the goal 21 seconds later, 120 yards away, while Bertie was being a bit ‘Spanish’ rolling around on the floor seeking surgical intervention. Get up. Get back. Get your job done. Jamie Carragher pulled 6 groin muscles in Istanbul but made every tackle against one of the worlds great teams. Bertie got a tap on the ankle and lay down mewling against West Ham. Compare and contrast.
Oh, and Brad Smith is breathing down your neck now Bertie. His hot, vegemite breath on your neck, with the corks from his hat hitting you in the back of your head. Think about that…
I don’t think the bookies are taking bets on Lucas getting a yellow card anymore. If they are they’re offering odds of 1/100000000000000 probably. 23 minutes was the magic number today, and it put him on the back foot for the rest of the game. To be honest he was shown up by Mark Noble for 90 minutes. MARK. NOBLE.
Topped off his day late in the 1st half when a ball broke to him 20 yards out from goal, central and every LFC fan in the world yelling ‘SHOOT’. He chested it down, let it bounce, swung his trusty left peg at it and….auditioned for THE FRESH AIR PRINCE OF UPTON PARK. Lordy.
Emre Can: Meh.
Philippe Coutinho: Garbage, yet again. Utter dogspunk in fact. A player with so much quality is regressing into a one-trick pony; drop the shoulder, cut in on his right foot, shoot badly from distance. It’s not hard to defend against, is it? He may be relatively young, but he’s one of the senior players in the side now, and he needs to start bloody acting like it. He’s got 18 months under Klopp to make or break his career. Yes, I’m serious. If he’s playing inconsistently like this by the end of next season, he’ll most likely be a ‘nearly man’, and could end up at Leicester to back-up Mahrez.
Jordon Ibe: A little bit better than Coutinho, but not much. He has pace to burn in this side, and the West Ham defence were playing very high, clearly mocking Benteke. Not once did I see him make a darting run behind the Hammers defence to worry them. Not once. That’s a basic idea for any footballer, for f*ck sake. He had the Hammers full back on toast for pace too, but only took him on once or twice. Kept coming too deep to get the ball, but with his pace he should be further up, on the shoulder of the defenders. Overall, a bit pish.
Pffft. Shite. Constantly seems to be unable to control the ball when he’s trying to play neat, intricate flicks and tricks. That’s not ideal. I heard that he got a game for Xmas – the buzz the wire thing where you guide a metal hoop around a bendy metal maze without touching it – and that’s why is hair is so tall. Patients in mental hospitals have been receiving less electro-convulsive shocks. His touch is that bad at the moment.
Christian Benteke: My mother told me that if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all. As you saw above, she’s a wise woman, but I’m a bold boy so therefore…*Deep Breath*….
Useless, Shite, Lumbering, Slothful, Moronic, Lazy, Flatulent, Gormless, Prancing, Dancing, Wanking, Daily Mail Reading, Donald Trump Supporting, Climate Change Denying, Suspender-Wearing, Animal Molesting, Robbing A Living Assflute.
Adam Lallana: Showed a few glimpses of quality, but nowhere near enough to call him a successful substitution. At one stage he was wide left, he performed a lovely trick to beat his man, then performed another lovely trick to give his man a chance to tackle him again, then another lovely trick to get a yard of space even though he had 3 yards after the first trick. That’s Adam Lallana in a nutshell.
Poor Joe Allen: When Joe made a late dash into the box to meet a sumptuous cross 12 yards out, unmarked, and flashed the header a yard wide, I received a comment on http://bytheminsport.com/events/402 to tell me that summed up this game for Joe. No, that summed up Joe’s career so far.
Brad Smith: Oh yes, something small to take out of this horror show. A glimpse of light. A smidgeon of hope. He knows how to cross a ball does Brad. He’s got good pace. I have no idea if he’s any good in defence as I’ve not seen enough of him yet. However he didn’t make me want to throttle him during the game, so he’s my LFC Man Of The Match. WAHEY!
Manager: Jurgen Klopp: He’s angry after that. So he bloody well should be. I’m angry too Jurgen, and I’m angry at you as well as that shower of shite we call ‘players’. Why did you persist with Benteke up front for the whole game? Not only could he not hit a cows arse with a banjo, he couldn’t even find the bloody banjo. You have masterminded two superb results without Benteke by deploying Firmino as a false 9 and you had all the personnel to try that again. Every change you made though was like-for-like. Why? Why would you persist in trying the same thing over and over and expect the same result? That’s a sign of insanity Jurgen, and watching that has pushed me very close to the edge.
Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Xxx.