Leicester City v Liverpool FC: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet

Simon Mignolet:

 

Athletic. Balletic. Pathetic.

Some incredible stops in this game from the Belgian Number 2 (giggle). Can’t be blamed for either goal. I know he was off his line for the first, but then again Vardy was almost halfway down the pitch. It was just one of them….or those…whatever. He came out after the game to tell us all that the thinks everyone did their best. Migs, shurrup, eh? Ta.

8/10 

Nathaniel Clyne

Nathaniel Clyne:

Look at him, just leaning on the wall, all nonchalant, arms folded, without a care in the world. He plays like that too. He was an overwhelming ball of ‘meh’ last night. Rank average. Like the teams league position. It’s just not good enough. I’m pissed off. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m depressed. It’s only Wednesday. The weekend is so far away it’s over the horizon.

Jon Flanagan was on the bench yesterday. I’m baffled why he wasn’t on the pitch. We need pride in this team. We need passion. Flanno would have kicked Vardy all night long. He’d have riled him. Needled him. Wound him right up. Would probably have got Vardy sent off within the first half. Instead we have the likes of Patsy Clyne who thinks he’s ‘made it’ by being at the club. No mate, you’ve made it when you excel in the shirt and at least appear to give a sh*t.

5/10. 

Dejan Lovren

Dejan Lovren:

Terrorised by Jamie Vardy all night. Now, that’s not that unusual. Anybody that has ever come into contact with Jamie Vardy on or off the pitch will probably just nod and tilt their head in sympathy.

There really does seem to be a Hollywood movie about Jamie Vardy in the pipeline. The ‘rags to riches’ tale. I can see it now, all glossy and sepia-tinged, making grown men and women cry as the ‘hero’ lifts the Premier League trophy where only a few years before he was plying his trade in non-league football.

I wanna puke. Pass me a bucket. No, not about the movie, because of last night.

4/10

Mamadou Sakho

Mamadou Sakho: 

Famously proclaimed a few months ago that he is a proud member of the Scouse Nation. I don’t want to sound all UKIP here, but if he puts in more performances like that he’ll be deported.

Because of his ability on the pitch of course, nothing else. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

4/10.

Alberto Moreno

Alberto Moreno: 

Ah yes. Here we come to the man that stood out last night above all the others. A shining light. A beacon. A tower of power…..OF SH*TE.

Man dear, he was infuriatingly, pant-wettingly, hair-tearingly, rage-inducingly F*CKING WOEJIOUS (That’s an Irish term by the way). Whether it was the throw-in in his own half that he threw INFIELD, to a BLUE SHIRT, just 40 YARDS FROM HIS OWN GOAL. Or the time when he was in on the left, with red shirts steaming in towards goal (more than one, amazingly), and he decided to BLOOTER IT INTO THE STANDS INSTEAD. Or the time when Okazaki tried a speculative shot from 20 yards and he DANGLED HIS RIGHT FOOT AT IT LIKE A NAMBY-PAMBY 6 YEAR OLD GIRL AFRAID OF THE BALL, which deflected the ball into the path of Vardy to drive the final nail in our coffin.

Hopefully this is the final nail in the coffin for Moreno. No, I don’t want him killed…yet. I want him dropped. We have Flanagan. We have Brad Smith. I want either/both in the team from now on. Enough is enough. F*CK OFF BERTIE.

2/10.

Jordan Henderson

Jordan Henderson:

Captain. Leader. Laughably out of form.

When you keep getting replaced by Benteke, you know you’re in trouble. Is it the heel? For Jordan’s sake, I actually hope it is, as this form is miles below the required standard. As I said last time, Klopp will pick his own Captain in the summer. He’ll also pick his own players, his own midfielders, and the ‘renaissance man’ might yet become ‘yesterdays man’. How are Fulham doing these days? Anybody have a number for Clint Dempsey? What’s that? In the States? Seattle? Really? Jordan likes hamburgers, right?

4/10.

Emre Can

Emre Can:

 

That performance last night was like the big kid in the playground who thought he was ACE at football, picked himself as Captain and central midfielder every time and charged around the place thinking he was having a stormer. Shanked shots (yes, that’s shanked, you filthy animal), poor passes, and a sudden lethargy when required to race back 50 yards to help out his defence. He’s young. Yes, he is.

So is Delle Alli.

4/10.

Lucas

Lucas: 

 

He did feck all of any use and got booked in the 86th minute. Poor Joe Allen sat on the bench and watched it all. Amazing.

4/10.

James Milner: 

 

I’m struggling here lads and lassies. You have no idea how hard it is to type something witty (I dare you to have a go at me today…) when every time you click on a player to rate it’s a dull, boring, average no-mark like James Milner. I mean, I’d be happy with a hilariously bad player like Djimi Traore – at least he’d give me material to work with, but there’s only so much you can do with ‘worked hard, didn’t do anything of note’, y’know?

So in essence, that’s his review. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

4/10

Adam Lallana

Adam Lallana:

 

Chosen to be the link between the midfield and Bobby Firmino.

Things that would have been a more effective link between the midfield and Bobby Firmino:

  • A rubber band
  • A slinky
  • A rope
  • A sheet of bubble wrap
  • A Stretch Armstrong toy
  • A chain of paperclips all linked together
  • A chimpanzee (or whatever it is that’s the closest thing we have to the ‘missing link’)
  • The drummer from Linkin’ Park
  • The Chief Executive of LinkedIn
  • A golf course by the sea (A links, d’ya get it?)
  • A clue in a murder case

You get my point. Useless fop.

4/10.

Roberto Firmino

Roberto Firmino:

 

The boy from Brazil, bought for MILLIONS and shut down completely by Wes Morgan and Robert Huth. Mega.

5/10

Substitutes:

Joe Allen

Poor Joe Allen:

 

What does Poor Joe have to do to get a start in the league these days? He’s been our best player for the past month and is left out in favour of Milner/Henderson/Can/Lucas?

It’s possible that Jurgen is resting him for his undoubted future heroics at Wembley when he wins us the League Cup, or when he fires us into the 5th round of the FA Cup, or when he leads us all the way to the Champions League by winning us the Europa League.

On second thoughts, I’m glad he was on the bench.

7/10.


Joao Teixeira

Joao Teixeira: 

DAMMIT! THAT’S THE WRONG TEIXEIRA.

N/A

Christian Benteke

Christian Benteke:

He came on. He jumped a bit. He ran a bit. He earned obscene amounts of money. AGAIN.

4/10


Jurgen Klopp

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

Jurgen is MAD. Really, really MAD. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of Jurgen when he’s mad. He also looks tired. Haunted by the grim reality that faces him. Surrounded by flim-flam, not-good-enoughs and never-good-enough-to-begin-withs. Forget the league Jurgen, let’s go and win some trophies, eh?

7/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

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