Augsburg v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet

Simon Mignolet:


A clean sheet away from home in Europe.

That’s more than some inter-railing young people can boast about to be fair. I’ve heard many a tale of those who have had ‘accidents’ following a few too many shandies the night before. The key to surviving hostels on your travels is to always get the top bunk, so that nobody can ‘drip’ down on top of you. Think about that for a moment.

Yep, the top bunk. Top life tip, kids.


Nathaniel Clyne

Nathaniel Clyne:


Another solid outing for ‘Patsy’ as he consistently raided down the right wing, often finding himself in good positions.

Another man who likes the ‘right wing’ and currently finds himself in a good position is Donald Trump. Personally I hope his ‘final ball’ will mirror those delivered by Patsy Clyne. If so he’ll end up slumped in the corner of  the ballroom, crying his eyes out and blowing his nose into his ridiculous barnet having totally missed his target.

Just like Patsy Clyne.


Kolo Toure



He wasn’t far off getting on the end of a dangerous Bertie Moreno free-kick in the second half, and making it two goals in two games. Of course if that had happened he’d have had to face Christian Benteke in the dressing room and try to keep a straight face.

We all know that KOLO can’t keep a straight face over anything. I mean he’s being gently but firmly shown the door at Anfield at the end of the season but he still walks around the place like a 24-year old virgin that just got offered a threesome with Kelly Brook and Jessica Alba.

Come to think of it, that explains a lot…KOLO…you dog!


Mamadou Sakho

Mamadou Sakho: 

An anagram of Mamadou Sakho is ‘Had Oak USA Mom’.

He was teak tough last night. His display was so impressive it almost gave me wood. He was a real thorn in the side of Augsburg. He splintered every attack. It was a much better display, and from such acorns do big oak trees grow…



Alberto Moreno

Alberto Moreno: 


The LFC career of Alberto ‘Bertie’ Moreno was summed up in his performance last night. A few decent runs down the left, a dopey foul on the wing to pick up a yellow card and a ‘cushioned’ back header to Mignolet from all of 2 yards out that gave 83% of all Liverpool fans a coronary.

He’s got a lot to learn.


Jordan Henderson

Jordan Henderson:


Things that were more ‘accurate’ than Hendo last night:

  • A 3 year old guessing ‘Pi’ to the 135th decimal
  • The economic plan of every political party seeking election
  • Donald Trump’s grasp of the real world
  •  An Irish weather forecast
  • NASA’s estimate of how old the universe is to the nearest hour

Yep, the word ‘skew-whiff’ was created for Henderson last night. Every ‘final ball’, every ‘shot’. Woeful.


Emre Can

Emre Can:


A young promising German international returns under the tutelage of a German manager to Germany to play a German team. He was efficient and functional. Very German.

Don’t mention the war though, aye?


James Milner: 

James Milner did as James Milner does.

Anyway, I just noticed that one of the FIFA Presidential Candidates is called Sexwale. That’s ‘SEX WALE’. One of his opponents is called Infantino.

They’re all scoundrels, probably, but at least their names are good fun. A Sex Wale v An Infant? It’s like Viz Comic are the scriptwriters.


Philippe Coutinho

Philippe Coutinho: 


Drifted in and out of the match to be honest, but he got the full 90 minutes under his belt and now has a full week off. We saw glimpses of his ability but the intricate flicks and tricks didn’t quite come off.

When the ladies of Liverpool go to the beauty parlour to get a Brazilian do they ask for a ‘Coutinho’ or a ‘Firmino’? They hardly ask for a ‘Lucas’ surely?

These are the issues that keep me awake at night.


Daniel Sturridge

Daniel Sturridge:


Herr Klopp is renowned in Germany for his ‘Gegenpressing’. Last night Daniel Sturridge created a new form of pressing. It’s called ‘CantBeArsedPressing’. The lazy sod.

You get the sense with Daniel that while his body needs forever to recover from minor knocks, his ego is able to bounce back quicker than a rubber bullet fired at Iron Man. Where his body is weak, his self-belief is impenetrable. To have the audacity to moan and bitch at some of his teammates during that game, while barely shaking a leg to win the ball back, all after being missing for the past 9,375 games shows where he’s at mentally.

The fecking genius.


Roberto Firmino

Roberto Firmino:


I got the impression that Bobby F doesn’t much care for 1st leg ties. I don’t blame him. In fact I agree with him. They are the most utterly pointless matches any team plays all season. It’s like the starter at a restaurant. Who really remembers the starter? Nah, you want the steak and the chocolate cake. That’s what you’ll remember.

I propose that after the draw for these ties are made, UEFA should then immediately go to a ‘First Leg Random Result Draw’, where they pull a random result out of the hat. Every result from 0-0 to 3-0 either way is in there. No team can lead by more than three goals at the end of the 1st leg. If you’re the away team in the 1st leg, getting a ‘0-3’ picked out of the hat would be akin to winning the lottery. Getting a ‘3-0’ picked out of the hat would be akin to winning the lottery and losing the ticket.

Hear me out on this. None of us have to sit through that 1st leg tedium we all recognise. We can all instantly look forward to the classic ‘2nd Leg’ match. It reduces the amount of games the players have to play and instantly sets up those classic Anfield European Nights. Have any of those mythical games been a 1st leg? Have they f*ck.

You know it makes sense.



Divock Origi

Divock Origi:


This young fella is going to be very important over the next few months. Not particularly for his goals, more for his mere presence looking over the shoulder of Daniel Sturridge. Any more half-arsed moaning cameos from Daniel and this fella should start instead of him for a game or two.

Think about it. Every time Sturridge comes back from injury (and lets face it, that’s a lot), he instantly impresses, to the amazement of all. He wants people to remember how good he is. Then he may well sit back and bask in the glory. Not under Klopp’s watch, you suspect, and a decent alternative is vital to stop that complacency.

Enter Divok Origi.


Jordan Ibe

Jordan Ibe: 



I’m not going to be more harsh than that. It would be like kicking a puppy. I won’t kick a puppy. A kitten on the other hand….

Just kidding.


Christian Benteke

Christian Benteke:


He didn’t come on. He didn’t jump a bit. He didn’t run a bit. He earned obscene amounts of money.


Jurgen Klopp

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 


He was able to pick an unchanged team for the first time in his tenure. The first time they played, they won 0-6. This time they drew 0-0.

Consistency Jurgen. You had the same team, you had a very different performance. I know that Augsburg are not as bad as Villa (let’s face it, nobody is as bad as Villa), but Liverpool were considerably worse.

Something to work on.


Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.


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