Liverpool v Everton: Premier League: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet Yellow

Simon Mignolet:


Migs has a degree in Political Science and can speak English, French, Dutch and German.

After last night he now has Masters in Political Science and has added Italian to his multi-lingual repertoire.

He was THAT quiet. Lots of time to study. However I have heard rumours that the Inland Revenue want a word with Migs – there are reports from numerous (Evertonian) sources that he received money for doing f*ck all…


Nathaniel Clyne

Nathaniel Clyne:


I have a feeling that somebody slipped a little something into Patsy’s Lucozade Sport before kick-off, as he was like a hyperactive toddler on Christmas Day in a Jungle Gym all night long. Constantly raiding into the Everton half, and this time with a decent threat to match.

Granted that in the second half he had the freedom of the right wing, and the Blue Sh*te players put as much pressure on him as a moth does when it lands on a Battleship, but nonetheless he took full advantage and had a large part to play in the fourth goal. If he could replicate this kind of form regularly, then I’d be a happy bunny.


Dejan Lovren

Dejan Lovren:


For the first 40′ of this match, Dejan had a tough time as he tried to cover Lennon who took advantage of the space behind a raiding Patsy Clyne, and in the air whenever Romelu Lukaku drifted over to his side, which he did more and more frequently as the half wore on.

However he stuck at his task, made a cracking slide tackle on Lennon, and held down the fort until the front-men (and Sakho) knocked the stuffing out of Everton and after that he was on easy street.

He didn’t actually play the second-half. He was in the dressing room having a long soak in a hot tub while a lookalike in his kit strolled around the Anfield turf in his stead. Bet you didn’t notice, eh? Of course you didn’t, the camera didn’t feature the Liverpool defence at all in the second half. We could have had Alan Hansen and Gary Gillespie playing for all I know.


Mamadou Sakho

Mamadou Sakho: 


Following the departure of one S. Gerrard Esquire, there were questions raised as to who the ‘leaders’ in this Liverpool squad were, if indeed there were any. Hendo got the armband from The Brodge, and James Milner was appointed Vice-Captain. It didn’t exactly set the pulse racing, in fairness.

However as the season has progressed, sans Brodge, the leaders in the squad have emerged naturally. Emre Can has stepped up despite the tenderness of youth. Dejan Lovren has metamorphosed (that’s a real word, look it up) from calamity to class. James Milner has demonstrated that he really actually does things too. Then there’s Mamadou Sakho….

The President of the Scouse Nation. The leader of the defence. The cheerleader in the squad. He grabs you, slaps you, head butts you, dedicates goals to you…he leads you. He leads us. Future captain, as predicted right here many, many months ago.


Alberto Moreno

Alberto Moreno: 


There are many who wonder whether Bertie should be ditched from the defence and deployed as an out and out winger on the left. Last night he had his audition for 45′.

Let’s just say that he needs to work on his shooting. A LOT.

Apart from that, Bertie was Bertie. In a good way.


James Milner: 


You can’t see this, as you’re reading it and it’s not a vlog, but I am holding my hands up right now. How I’m typing this is best left to the imagination….it is impressive skill though…

Anyway, I’m holding my hands up to admit that I have been wrong about James Milner in the past. Well, kind of. He is currently an assist machine, eclipsing the likes of Ozil, Payet and Mahrez for the past four months, so the question that I was asking for the first 5 months of the season, namely ‘What the f*ck does he do???’ has been emphatically answered.

As long as he keeps doing it, I’m chuffed. I also find it ironic that in the twilight of his career he’s just discovered that he’s been left-footed all along….





Alright, who was this imposter, what was he doing on the pitch last night, and what have they done with the real Lucas?

Nobody can convince me that the REAL Lucas had more shots on goal than the whole Everton team, never mind the fact that the REAL Lucas would charge forward, win the ball and instantly slip a through-ball to Daniel Sturridge to make it three. Nope, no way, I’m not buying it.

Wherever you are Lucas, I hope you come back to us alive. We miss you. xxx


Adam Lallana

Adam Lallana: 


The only upside for Adam Lallana last night is that there wasn’t a cow on the field and he wasn’t given a bloody massive banjo to hit his arse with, as he may well have missed.

Blimey O’Reilly, he had some amazing chances in the first half in particular to end this contest after half an hour, but as has been a trend with Adam this season, he does so much very well, but that final ball / final finish is missing. Klopp loves him, possibly a little too much, but will he be starting in the first XI next season? You have to admit that he needs to start matching the output of Coutinho/Firmino/Milner to have a chance…

Over to you Adam.


 Philippe Coutinho

Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,


Remember what I’ve been telling you – It doesn’t matter how much bigger they are than you, how much stronger they are than you, or how much cooler they are than you, don’t let those big bullies push you around. Stand up to them, believe in yourself, be true to yourself and stand your ground.

That’s your goal. Tell Daniel Sturridge to blow it out his arse.

Love you



Roberto Firmino

Roberto Firmino:


He’s carrying a knock. Klopp has alluded to it and you can see it in his play. He’s just that vital 5% off this very best. However he tormented Everton last night and made it a very sticky night for the Toffees (BADOOM-TISH).

Had a similar night to Lallana really, with good build-up play but missing big chances and no assists.

He’s fupping ACE though. So it’s fine.


Divock Origi

Divock Origi:


What did you get when you turned 21 years old? (Assuming you have already)….

A car? A party? A hooker?

Divock Origi got a goal in a Merseyside Derby and a thug from Argentina trying to break his ankle….

There are many, many things I want to say about that prick in blue, and there are many, many way I’d like to inflict pain on him, but he’s not worth it. Let’s concentrate on Divock instead.

He had a relatively quiet night in fairness, but when it mattered he made £30m John Stones (LARF LARF LARF) look like the average mug that he is to nod Liverpool into the lead. When you’re 21 years old, in a Merseyside Derby, having a quiet match, and you can still deliver when it counts, the future is all yours….

Get well soon Divock.



Joe Allen

Poor Joe:


When Joe was introduced at 3-0, I feared for Everton as a club. A part of me thought there was a good chance that they would end up on the wrong end of a 67-0 scoreline and go out of existence as Joe put them to the sword, but as with the big JC himself, Joe is a merciful character, so he settled for creating just the one goal for Philippe.

He’s the second coming.


Jordan Ibe

Jordan Ibe: 


Given a few minutes to frolick on the Anfield turf in front of a world-record attendance for a training session.



Daniel Sturridge

Daniel Sturridge:


A majestic finisher and a cheeky bugger in equal measure…

50 goals in 87 games is outstanding, and up there with the very best in the history of this great club. Faster than Suarez, Owen and Fowler. He’s outstanding, and under Klopp could become world-class.

That fourth was never his goal though. The scamp.


Jurgen Klopp Unhappy

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 


How is it possible that the first Merseyside Derby, which saw The Brodge in the Liverpool dugout, and Danny Ings score the Liverpool goal, be in the same season as this match? It seems like a lifetime ago…so much has changed…FOR THE BETTER.

First Merseyside Derby. 4-0 Win. Ah yes, that’s how Klopp does it. Did he play it down in the press conference after? Try not to rub it in? Did he feck. ‘I’d like to say it was tough, but it wasn’t’. Heh.

Onto Newcastle, without Origi. It was probably always the plan to rotate Sturridge and Origi for the remainder of the season, but now options are slightly limited. Not limited enough to give Benteke another chance though (an outbreak of Ebola wouldn’t be enough to cause that to happen).

I’m going to be at the Newcastle match on Saturday Jurgen. It’s my firsr trip back to Anfield for an astonishing 22 years. Can’t wait to see you xxx


Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.


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