Liverpool 5-1 Hull City: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

loris-karius

Loris Karius:

 

My Christ, but he’s a good looking lad, eh?

Had a pretty quiet afternoon with feck all to deal with apart from a couple of Snodgrass corners, one of which led to yet another dirty sheet….that’s the opposite of clean sheet, right? Some have been wondering whether Fandango (that’s his nickname I’ve decided, as in the Bohemian Rhapsody song ‘Karius! Karius! Can you do the Fandango’, which I’m sure are the words…) could have come and claimed a few of the corners that he had to face, but I’m backing him on his decision making yesterday. Not because I think he shouldn’t have come for them, but because when you’ve got a mush that miraculous, a jawline that chiseled and a smile that blinding, you need exposure, camera time and the limelight. He’ll have been chuffed that David Meyler smashed a meaningless goal into the Anfield Road nets, as it meant the camera was pointed towards him for a few rare, fleeting moments.

Fandango – On the ball and always ahead of the game.

7/10 

Nathaniel Clyne

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

Turning into my nemesis, this lad. I like to have some material to work with, to allow me to come up with something witty, or pithy, or wise, but Patsy is so solid and understated in his work that he’s giving me nothing.

I’m left with little option then but to make something up. Therefore I can reveal that Patsy Clyne fraped Mamadou Sakho’s Instagram account on Saturday morning and dropped Mama deep in the sh*t. ALL THE LOLZ.

7/10. 

Klavan

Ragnar Klavan:

 

Granted a starting spot on Saturday as Dejan Lovren was ruled out with a ‘viral infection’. Many have been wondering what kind of ‘viral infection’ has sidelined Lovren, but my sources have revealed to me that this is code for ‘Klavan took Lovren aside during training on Friday and snarled into his ear that he fancied a game on Saturday’.

Well I wouldn’t argue with him either, would you?

The result was a nice easy stroll around Anfield on a Saturday afternoon, stopping to occasionally snarl at Hernandez who has been reported as missing by Hull City and his family since 3.03pm yesterday afternoon. Any sightings can be reported to Mr. M. Phelan, Hull City FC, Hull.

7/10

joel-matip

Joel Matip: 

 

 

A number of you have contacted me since the Chelsea review piece asking if Joel Matip is indeed the son of Billy Joel, and I’m frankly insulted that you don’t trust me. However, if you need further proof, Joel Matip is once more living the lyrics of one of his Da’s finest tunes, as epitomised by the lyrics for ‘Just The Way You Are’.
Don’t go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times; I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are
That’s right, Joel Matip wants each and every LFC fan to stay as they are, and has confirmed that he’s going to stay with us through thick and thin, and no matter how we are as fans, he’s got our back.
Now, what more proof do you need? What a guy….

8/10.

james-milner

James Milner: 

 

This is getting silly now.

Two goals, a hand in the first, a hand in the third and looking as defensively sound as any left-back in the league.

I posted on Twitter last night (after a few pints admittedly) that I felt that James Milner is the 21st century version of Denis Irwin. Now, in the cold light of a Sunday afternoon, I agree with myself. Defensively sound, always ready to provide an assist, and lethal at penalties.

Yep, sounds like Denis Irwin to me. But he’s not evil, obviously.

9/10

Wijnaldum.jpg

Geordie Wine Gum: 

 

Georgie is on the verge of joining an exclusive club which includes Ringo Starr, Jason Orange, Phil Neville & Hawkeye – All members of outstandingly talented groups of people, but remembered for being ‘wallpaper’ rather than the star of the show, despite being extremely talented in their own right (except for Phil Nev and Jason Orange, obviously). Anyway, I think you get what I mean…

While his play has been outstanding, he hasn’t scored 4 league goals, or thwacked a thunderbast*ard into the top bin at Stamford Bridge, so in a way he’s lagging behind.

If he throws in a goal or two in the next couple of weeks, then he’s an immediate ‘A-Lister’ though, so while this may sound harsh on poor Georgie, the standards being set around him are phenomenally high…which is how I like it.

7/10

Jordan Henderson

Jordan Henderson:

 

If you google ‘Paul O’Connell pre-match team talks’ you’ll find an array of videos that show the Irish Rugby Legend scaring the bejaysus out of 18-stone egg-chasing muscle-men as he roars the words ‘SAVAGE INTENSITY’ and ‘PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN THEM’ over and over until his eyes pop out on stalks like they do in Ren and Stimpy cartoons.

Ren and Stimpy.jpg

While I don’t think that Jordan Henderson has the same vocal gravitas as Paul O’Connell (think of the Hulk gargling gravel with a hangover), I know for a fact that Captain Henderson puts into action those same sentiments on the pitch. Savage intesity from Hendo does indeed put the fear of God into opponents who daren’t take a touch lest they find that Hendo has already stolen the ball off them and is tearing off down the pitch before they’ve even touched it.

In summary Hendo is leading by example.

8/10.

Adam Lallana

Adam Lallana: 

 

I’m not saying that Adam is a stylish, sophisticated beautiful man, but that finish for the first goal was the ugliest thing he has ever been involved in, and I’m including his nappies when he was a child, which apparently smelled like roses and resembled the works of Picasso (might have had something to do with his diet).

However he soon rectified that with his play for the third goal which contained a turn so stunningly beautiful that I know of four people who have already left their wives and decided to run away with it.

His new deeper role is suiting his attributes perfectly. He’s got the energy to play in midfield, the control to rarely be dispossesed, the vision to see what’s happening in front of him and he’s now banging in the goals too. I’m so impressed that I’m very close to starting a Nivea regime myself. No, really.

9/10

 Coutinho.jpg

Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,

 

I’m glad my last letter inspired you to start banging them in the net again.

Coutinho Letter.PNG

Two goals since Chelsea and you can rest assured that I think of you every night when nodding off (not in THAT way…well, not yet).

However as you know I am always striving for you to be the very best you can be, and so I leave you with these six simple words.

PRACTICE USING YOUR LEFT F*CKING FOOT.

Love you.

xxx

9/10.

firmino

Roberto Firmino

 

Oh very clever…very, very clever…

Bobby darted all over Anfield yesterday and completely bamboozled the Hull City defence who went out looking to stifle the insanely white-toothed Brazilian. Where they thought he’d be a threat, he wasn’t. He dropped deep. He dropped right. He dropped left. He began moves rather than finished them. A splendid performance of understated effectiveness which let others grab all the headlines.

Just one thing though…Next time will you bloody tell me you’re going to do that first? You played HAVOC with my Fantasy Football team this weekend. Five goals and not a goal or assist for you? For F*CK sake….

7/10.

Sadio Mane.jpg

Sadio Mané:

 

Two Anfield appearances and two goals, both finishing off moves that made the watching public groan ever so inappropriately and possibly touch themselves too. Majestic.

As Forest Gump once said ‘I’ve got nothing more to say about that’.

8/10

Substitutes:

Daniel Sturridge

Daniel Sturridge:

 

That Jurgen Klopp has a mean, nasty ruthless streak in him, eh? Throwing on Daniel Sturridge with over 20′ left and leading 4-1, poor Mike Phelan must have had better birthdays. Mind you, he played for ‘THEM’, so f*ck ‘im. Daniel made an instant impact as he danced into the penalty area before being CHOPPED DOWN by a ferociously dangerous tackle that left the referee with little option but to point to the spot *ahem*

I was a wee bit surprised that Sturridge didn’t start, as I believe it is these games at home against teams that will ‘defend deep’ where I think Sturridge is a fantastic asset. Mind you, we won 5-1 with him starting on the bench, so what do I know?

7/10

Emre Can

Emre Can:

 

A handy 15′ of action to start to shake off the rust and try to catch the eye of the manager. Poor Emre…just a few short weeks ago he was the main man in midfield, and now he’s longing for League Cup matches so he can start a game.

Spoiled we are. Spoiled rotten.

 7/10

marko-grujic

Marko Grujic: 

 

Thrown on alongside Can, who he’d be competing against for a place in the team….

What was that I said about Klopp and a ruthless streak?

7/10


klopp-new

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

He wants the team to be angry at home to Hull City. He wants the fans to be angry at home to Hull City. He wants to thrash and torch every bus he sees parked (somebody please keep him away from the Liverpool Bus Depot).

While I smiled at the Borussia Dortmund fans worship of Klopp, I never really stopped to think about it. I saw clips of it, gifs here and there, but just dismissed it as ‘Those crazy Germans’. I’m starting to get it now though. I want to hug him. I want to hold him. I want to buy him a pint…no, I want to buy him every pint he ever has for the rest of his life. This guy doesn’t just manage a team. He manages the whole club, the fans and quite possibly the universe.

9/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne and @ByTheMinLFC). I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on bytheminute.co. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

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