Liverpool 6-1 Watford: The Ranting Rebel Ratings


Loris Karius:


On a quiet day with very little to do, the Fandango Initiation continued during the first half as Matip and Milner stuck bouncing, top-spin balls back at him to see how he handled them.

Think Shane Warne welcoming a new recruit to the party while introducing himself to your beautiful wife. A.W.K.W.A.R.D.

To his credit, he skewed one out of play and another towards a teammate…that’s an improvement on his LFC career to date. Watford had over 8 shots on target (that was the last stat I saw while paying attention), yet only 1 goal was conceded, and to be fair, the Liverpool defence gave as much a f*ck about that as I do about the plight of the Tanzanian Toadfrog during the wet season.

I saw signs of improvement so he’s getting an EIGHT. Strictly Come Dancing stylee.


Nathaniel Clyne

Nathaniel Clyne:


Seriously, does this guy actually play the full 90 minutes?

Every week he’s A. Nony. Mouse, but in a good way. No drama, no winger tearing him a new one, no drama whatsoever. He’s like the human equivalent of the Shipping Forecast during a warm, still summer.

I adore Patsy and all he does. He’s earned the respect of the entire Premier League to the extent that they don’t even bother testing him, all while looking like a harmless kids cartoon character. To think that he’s ‘challenging’ Kyle Walker for the England right-back slot…what a joke.





The man has spent a decade at Anfield, never being appreciated for his talents. I always wonder what would have happened had Phil Neville not handled that ball on the line during his first Merseyside Derby…

He’s been the derided midfield anchorman. He’s been the derided utility man. Now he’s the derided centre back.

Yet people just don’t seem to ‘get’ Klopp yet. I mean, if he asks you to stand on your head, wearing a nappy and yelling ‘MOMMY I LOVE YOU’, I reckon you should do it, because it is likely to help Liverpool win a match.

Klopp now sees Lucas as the third centre back in his squad, ahead of Klavan The Barbarian who has over 100 caps for his country. Considering Lucas has under 10 appearances as a centre back at club level, that’s a huge compliment.

We’re lucky to have him. If you give out about him each time he plays, please feel free to take long walk off a short pier. I mean, did he do anything wrong today?



Joel Matip: 

With the US Election only a matter of days away, it would have been easy for Joel to have been distracted…I mean, we could all be walking into an apocalypse should the tango-skinned wank-bastard get into power.

What unnerves Joel so much is the fact that his father foresaw this turn of events back in 1976 when he released ‘Miami 2017’:

Seen the lights go out Broadway
I saw the Empire State laid low
And life went on beyond the Palisades
They all bought Cadillacs
And left there long ago

They held a concert out in Brooklyn
To watch the island bridges blow
They turned our power down
And drove us underground
But we went right on with the show

I’ve seen the lights go out on Broadway
I saw the ruins at my feet
You know we almost didn’t notice it
We’d seen it all the time on Forty second street


Clearly Father Joel saw the future with President Trump…

I have readers from all over the world, so if you’re reading this and have a say in the upcoming US Presidential Election, I say this…

If you don’t like Hillary, you’re not alone. Neither do I. However, if you decide to give your vote to someone else as a protest, you’re opening the gates of hell to the dark overlord, and the world will never forgive you.



James Milner: 


Back in the saddle, and back riding the opposition in a manner that normally gets an ’18’ rating.

They say that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks, but here’s an old dog that is the exception to the rule. You can visibly see his progression as a defensive player game by game…anticipating danger, clearing danger before it becomes danger…he was on it like a car bonnet today.

In addition his attacking play was threatening, his set-piece delivery was superb and he was perfect…apart from their goal where he was beaten in a challenge.

Nobody said football was fair…


Emre Can

Emre Can: 


Don’t you just love competition for places?

I mean, if it’s competition for your place in your life/company/marital bed you’re going to hate competition. That bastard/bitch is out to take your place and you hate them with every sinew of your being….

But if you’re a fan of Liverpool Football Club and you have Emre ‘Jackie’ Can and The Geordie Wine Gum battling it out for a place in your midfield, you’re f*cking delighted….

And a hypocrite.

Still, I’m delighted. Following a strong start from Wijnaldum with multiple assists, Klopp pulled Jackie aside and told him that he had to outperform The Geordie Wine Gum when his chance came.

Lo and behold, Emre Can ditched the whole ‘assist’ thing and decided to go straight for the jugular, and we have two goals in two games.

I wonder if The Geordie Wine Gum will respond? Oh….


Jordan Henderson

Jordan Henderson:


Have you ever seen someone ‘Rule The Roost’?

I’ve never seen it…until today.

I mean, I’m not even sure what a ‘Roost’ is…I believe it has something to do with nests and chickens and hay, but I’m f*cked if I can pick a ‘Roost’ out of a line-up.

What I saw today however is what I believe to be the footballing equivalent of a footballer ‘Ruling His Roost’. Jordan Henderson bestrode the midfield today like a colossus. Space/Time/Vision…it was all there, in abundance.

The weird thing is that this is becoming the norm. The young fella threatened with a trade to Fulham, the ‘Captain’ who was a ‘fraud’ (to some)…all are a distant memory.

Liverpool fans spent over a decade adoring a Captain who was the biggest personality in the team…scoring the last minute goal, making the last ditch tackle, winning the cup while making Roy of the Rovers look like a gobshite. Now they’re adapting to a new type of captain…one who does his job efficiently, excellently and better than anyone else.

Personally, I love it.


Adam Lallana

Adam Lallana:


On his return from injury last week Adam seemed to be a bit off the pace…slightly below his usual effervescent self…like a glass of Alka Seltzer you poured for yourself at 2am and remembered to drink at 7am…a good idea at the wrong time….

Today he sparkled like a freshly opened bottle of San Pellegrino…and I’m done…

Two assists, setting up Can for the third and Firmino for the fourth show that Lallana is back to his best following his lay-off.

The media are beginning to swoon over the ‘Liverpool Front Three’, but they’re missing the fourth man…the fifth Beatle, if you will. Lallana is the surprise factor, the one who arrives when you think you have everything else covered. In short, he’s the pain in the hole of every other team.



Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,


I’m sorry. I truly am. I admit it, I did cast an admiring eye over Eden Hazard on Saturday night. I mean, he was so…slick…swift…saucy…

However I know now that I’m a weak fool. My head is too easily turned. You’re the only one for me, and always have been. I shouldn’t have used that word when we fought on WhatsApp. I promise, from now on, I will never use the word ‘Hazard’ again…unless I’m describing my personal betting patterns.

Love you.




Roberto Firmino


Roy Keane. Landsdowne Road. 2001

David Beckham. Old Trafford. 2001

Steven Gerrard. Istanbul. 2005

I’m trying to imagine what Bobby Firmnio would do if his performance evolved into one of the above…it’s frightening….

Mind you, I have a suspicion that he’s a ‘Synth’ in an extremely elaborate marketing campaign for the new series of ‘Humans’. His teeth can’t be real, surely? Then there’s his hair…It’s a clear ‘antennae’ for others to control his movement.

His sharp turns…his vision…his eye for a pass…there’s a spotty oik in the Main Stand using a PS4 controller to shape our destiny. As long as he produces more of these performances, I’m a big fan.


Sadio Mane.jpg

Sadio Mané:


The most amusing aspect of Sadio’s performance is that it was totally different to what everyone thought his main role would be when we signed him.

Pace. Into Space. Running beyond the last man.

Did you see any of that today? Nah, me neither. At times Mane was dropping so deep he was collecting the ball off the defenders. The Watford defenders didn’t have a clue what to do, or what to think. How can this ‘missile’ of pace be so deep? What’s he f*cking doing?

Then he pops up to head the opener and tap in another from 5 yards out.

If you think you have Liverpool Football Club worked out…think again.





Geordie Wine Gum:


You’re a solid member of the first team as the season begins, and you throw in a few assists while the team performs superbly. All is good in your world…until you pick up a minor knock and your replacement throws in two goals while your arse is picking up splinters on the bench…

So what do you do? You come off the bench and throw in your first goal for Liverpool at the Kop End.

Touché. Oh, and splendid. Over to you Emre.


Daniel Sturridge

Daniel Sturridge: 


Magnificent. Superb. Deadly. A Threat.

I’m not sure why the Anfield Faithful haven’t taken Daniel Sturridge to their hearts (if that indeed is true, but that’s what I hear), but the guy is dynamite.

Think back to the 1998/99 season when Yorke/Cole were the leading partnership for *them* but Sheringham and Solskjaer were on hand at all times. We might need that and I state here, clearly, once more, that we have THE BEST reserve striker in the Premier League…and we should worship him.

Well in Danny. xxx



Ovie Ejaria:

A Premier League debut.

In 2020 I could be digging this Rebel Rant up and re-posting it to prove ‘I was there, I was watching, I witnessed the beginning’.

Let’s hope so.



Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 


I’ve been down-playing the ‘hope’ for a few weeks now. There’ts just one problem however…


I’ve detailed the tough start, the reasons why we can’t, the reason why ‘hope kills us’. No longer though….


God Speed Jurgen. 7 Months Ahead. I’m with you every step of the way.


Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook ( If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back..


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