Southampton 0-0 Liverpool: The Ranting Rebel Ratings


Loris Karius:


Marvellous Darling!

Splendid Sweetheart!

Moody! Sultry! Show Me More Love!

Fandango had so much time on his hands that he squeezed in a modelling photo-shoot during the game, and as you can tell from the photographers comments above, he was sensational.

He had bugger all to do in this game though, not that I’m complaining.

N/A (No Action)

Nathaniel Clyne

Nathaniel Clyne:



So close. So, so close.

No, I’m not just referring to the header, I’m referring to the header in the context of his overall game. Had that header found the far corner, we would be hailing one of THE defining right-back performances of this or any other Premier League season.

Patsy was sensational, up and down the right wing with gay abandon, constantly causing the Saints defence problems while ever-vigilant to the counter attack.

That header though….I’ve just thought about it for the 41st time since full-time and am holding my head in my hands for the 41st time since full-time. No really I am. I’m not going to reveal how I’m typing this, but lets just say that I’m very talented in so many, many ways.


Dejan Lovren

Dejan Lovren:



Sorry, I’m just an awful sucker to peer pressure, and I’ve spent all afternoon listening to 30,000 eejits boo one player for moving from their club to greener pastures…despite the fact that three others in the Liverpool team had done exactly the same thing. We shouldn’t judge the Southampton fans though. They live so far south, they’re almost French…which explains a lot…

Anyway, Dejan Lovren doesn’t give a rats arse what the Southampton fans think about him. This is a man who fled his home which had become a war-zone and grew up as a child refugee in Munich. Now THAT’S a tough upbringing. Do you really think morons booing him and chanting ‘You left for the cash’ would upset him?

There is a delicious irony about the fact that the same crowd booing him used to worship him, yet 54% of them voted to stop child refugees like a young Dejan Lovren coming into England (among other things).

As for his performance, it was flawless. Genuinely top drawer.



Joel Matip: 

His Da wrote ‘Lullaby’ back in ’93 as a way of soothing young Joel Matip to sleep at night, but the lyrics stuck with Joel…and today they’re very apt for how he treated Charlie Austin…

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you’ve been asking me
I think you know what I’ve been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
Then you should always know
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are
I never will be far away


He’s true to his word. He didn’t give Charlie Austin a sniff, nor Shane Long when he came on, nor Jay ‘Jay’ Rodriguez when he came on. Wherever they went, no matter where they were, Joel was never far away. That’s why Southampton didn’t have one single shot on target all game.

Peerless. Well, except for Dejan who was also peerless. But they’re each others peers, so….

Ignore me.



James Milner: 


James Milner was reading the Rooney brouhaha throughout the week and it entertained him so much that rumour has it he smirked, although this cannot be confirmed. David Attenborough has been approached to take on the challenge of following James for the next 12 months to see if he does indeed ever smile.

The point is that while Rooney was busting a groove after 12 pints at a wedding he happened to stumble into, James Milner was tearing it up good and proper himself, giving it large and causing proper chaos. Yep, he skulled THREE mugs of cocoa, stayed out until 9.30pm and was an absolute menace at the bingo hall. Rumour has it he’s been barred for being too boisterous.

Thankfully Milners shenanigans didn’t hamper his performance today which was excellent as ever.


Emre Can

Emre Can: 


K. I. S. S.

No, that’s not a request. You’re lovely and all, and I’m flattered, but you’ve got the wrong end of the stick (unless you’re really, really hot. And female – my contact details are at the end of this blog).

Anyhoo, what I’m referring to is the acronym Keep It Simple Stupid.

That’s exactly what Jackie did all day long. He won the ball back whenever Southampton had the cheek to try and keep it for longer than 20 seconds. When he won it, he gave it to somebody better at passing it than him. He kept doing this all the ding dong day, apart from the times when he broke out the ‘Beast Mode’ and charged past red and white shirts and generally frightened the bejaysus out of them.

Jackie deffo needs to work on his left foot shooting though…his shot in the second half was so badly dragged, it made Dame Edna Everage look 100% woman.


Jordan Henderson

Jordan Henderson:


I’m going to be harsh here. Unreasonable even. I’m giving you fair warning…now here it goes…

Today was the kind of day where a certain former Liverpool captain rode to the rescue time and time and time again by thwacking a thunderb*stard into the top bin to steal the points and the glory. It happened so often that you used to expect it, and he used to consistently deliver. The Liverpool Captain was, for longer than I care to remember, a Roy of the Rovers type figure that you could rely on.

Jordan Henderson is the Liverpool captain and a fine player. He has already notched a thunderb*stard this season on a crucial away day, and that’s why I know I’m being harsh.

However the world has changed since the last Ranting Rebel Ratings, and the time for ‘nice’ is gone. Now more than ever we all need to speak the truth, no matter how much it hurts those who hear it.

Step up Jordan. Neat and tidy won’t cut it. Liverpool need heroes between now and next May and you’re Captain America among this group of miscreants looking to ‘avenge’ 27 years of hurt.



Geordie Wine Gum:


As the season progresses, we start to see things a little more clearly, in particular the roles that certain players play in this Jurgen Klopp team.

Coutinho / Firmino / Mane are the three amigos that will tear you apart

Henderson is the midfield fulcrum

The defence is, well, the defence

Adam Lallana is the ‘spark’ and the ‘link’ between midfield and attack

The Geordie Wine Gum is Emre Can. Emre Can is The Geordie Wine Gum. Therein lies the problem…we have two players who are identical twins (in football terms, obviously). When able to select a first XI, Herr Klopp will never pick both Can and Wijnaldum as either will be picked alongside Henderson/Lallana in the middle three.

Perhaps today we suffered slightly from the duplication and the lack of ability to replicate the ‘Lallana Factor’. Coutinho kept dropping deep to try and play the Lallana role, but then he wasn’t further forward to play the Coutinho role….

There was nothing wrong with the performace of The Geordie Wine Gum today, he was bang at it along with every other member of the team. In fact, he was exactly as good as Emre Can was. Funny that.



Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,


Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me you were going for that MRI scan? It broke my heart to see you sat all alone waiting for the scan. I’d have been there for you, you know that.

Anyway, I think you need to go back and get a new scan done, on a very specific part of your body. Get over to the hospital tomorrow and ask them to scan carefully and see if they can find….YOUR LEFT BLOODY FOOT…

Jesus wept lad, you’re so right-sided you make Donald Trump and his new cabinet look like  Jeremy Corbyn’s support group.

Love you.




Roberto Firmino


Last week I pondered whether Bobby F is a synth, controlled by a spotty oik in the crowd, such is the perfection of his performances, his ability to pull off flicks and tricks that you only see on FIFA 17 (or PRO EVO, for fairness), and his insanely white teeth which can’t possibly be human…

Well, if that is the case, I want to meet that spotty little oik, take the controller off him and insert it so far up his arse that you can turn it off by picking his nose.


While Bobby has helped us secure loads of points this season, there’s not doubt that he left two points behind him today with that miss. He deserved to score based on his overall effort on the day. However it seems that nobody gets what they deserve anymore…unless you’re American, in which case you’re going to witness your country falling apart in a firestorm of racial hatred, xenophobia, sexism and downright nastiness, and a lot of you deserve exactly that.


Sadio Mane.jpg

Sadio Mané:


I spoke to Sadio just 15 minutes ago after he got home from the South Coast and he was very upset. He’d just pulled into his driveway, let himself into his house, threw his kitbag into the corner of the kitchen and opened the fridge to treat himself to a cream bun that he had been saving as a treat for tonight. However when he reached for the cream bun Virgil Van Dijk got there before him and chucked it in the bin.

What a dick (Van Dijk)

Y’avin’ that??????





Daniel Sturridge

Daniel Sturridge: 


In twelve minutes he showed menace, threat and lovely yellow boots. I’d have liked to see him have more time, but I’d also have liked to have seen Liverpool be three up by the time he came on.


Divock Origi

Divock Origi:


Just what Klopp thinks Divock can do in the 89th minute is beyond me.



Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 


Picked the best team he could pick.

Oversaw a very good performance that didn’t get the reward it deserved.

Was a bit late with his substitutions, possibly.

Has a smashing rain jacket that kept him nice and dry, mostly.

I agree with his overall sentiment that we played well, have lost games like this in the not so distant past, and should just accept that some days you don’t get your just desserts.

Onto Sunderland at Anfield Jurgen. Let’s f*cking smash ’em.


Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook ( If you would like to pay me to write like this, please do get in touch. I’m unlikely to turn it down. LOL.


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