Everton 0-1 Liverpool: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Simon Mignolet Yellow

Simon Mignolet:

 

As far as recalls go, this is going pretty well.

It’s going better than most politicians who are asked to ‘recall’ events / decisions that have gone tits up.

Speaking of which, it’s also going better than the movie ‘Total Recall’, despite the fact that there’s a woman with three breasts AND Sharon Stone in it (There’s an easy gag in there about Karius and ‘Tits’ but I’m not going to make it…)

In truth Migs had less to do last night than he did at Boro. D’ya hear that Toffees? Middlesbrough caused us more hassle…

I for one am not going to start complaining that our goalkeeper had sod all to do though. Long may it continue.

The good news is that Migs doesn’t have to do the special ‘Christmas Bedding’ change that always happens in my house. Nope, he’s got two clean sheets for Christmas.

Badoom and indeed Tish.

8/10 

Nathaniel Clyne

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

You may be expecting me to launch into a rant about his ineffectiveness going forward, but not today.

Y’see despite the fact that it’s 21 years since Everton won a major trophy, they’re still our neighbours, and a trip to Goodison (I actually typed ‘tripe’ there…even my subconscious can’t help itself) is a tough trip.

Therefore, our right back helped keep a clean sheet, and once again his reputation precedes him – Everton kept going at our left hand side, respecting the fact that defensively Patsy is rock-solid.

I’m going to ring Jurgen this morning and tell him that he should arrange a ‘Big Brother’ house set-up, and get Patsy to move in with Phil, Bobby, Adam and Sadio. If some of their attacking sparkle can rub off on Clyne, we’re laughing.

8/10. 

Dejan Lovren

Dejan Lovren:

 

Well I thought he was bloody immense.

I’ve had a pop at Dejan once or twice *cough* over the years, and accused him of being a ‘follower’ rather than a ‘leader’, but he was a leader last night.

Dominant in the air, a threat with the ball at his feet (to the opposition and not us, which is a refreshing change of pace…), and not afraid to jump in to defend his teammates when Everton got a bit carried away.

I’m also loving the facial hair. He’s just a quick bout of alopecia away from having Flash Gordon show up and kick his ass. That may not sound like a good thing, but Brian Blessed is almost certain to show up, and everything is better with Brian Blessed.

ming-the-merciless
When I said Dejan was ‘minging’ this wasn’t what I meant…

If you have no idea what ‘Flash Gordon / Ming The Merciless’ is, you should really watch the movie. It’ll make your Christmas.

9/10

Klavan

Ragnar Klavan: 

 

He had some issues with Lukaku in the air during the opening half hour, but eventually subdued the big Belgian and had him neatly tucked away by full time. Normally he’d keep Romelu in his pocket, but it’s the most magical time of the year so you’ll now find Lukaku stuffed inside Ragnar’s stocking, hanging on his mantelpiece.

Sky Sports and Alan ‘Smudger’ Smith were quick to point out that Klavan The Barbarian struggled in the air, but how many headers did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger win in Conan The Barbarian?

Exactly.

8/10

james-milner

James Milner: 

 

FIFA are a funny lot, aren’t they? The fines that were handed out to, erm, everyone yesterday for displaying ‘political symbols’ made me so mad that I forgot to blink. For an hour.

Well, I now fully expect Everton to be fined by FIFA after last night.

Why you ask?

Well it’s all down to the peculiar vernacular associated with football. You always hear of players ‘bombing on’ or ‘bombing down the wing’ and ‘raiding the oppositions half’. Last night Everton had a man from Donegal ‘raiding and bombing’ down Milner’s wing for the majority of the first half. Even the most ignorant of cretins should recognise that this was a clear political statement by Everton, referencing the troubles in Northern Ireland. The fact that it was masterminded by Ronald Koeman, who played for Holland, who play in ORANGE….well, need I say more?

Truly shocking.

P.S. Before you have a go at me for the Donegal/Coleman/Troubles/Orange mishmash, I’m Irish, so yes I know….

8/10

Adam Lallana

Adam Lallana: 

 

When Adam is involved in a match where he doesn’t get a chance to show off his silky skills and attacking joie de vivre, you only then realise how hard he bloody works in every game…

I’ve compared him to a Rolls Royce in recent reviews, and this comaprison still holds true. Yes, you think of a smooth, sleek car oozing class, but you forget the monster of an engine under the bonnet. The kind of engine that’s used in long-haul airliners.

This explains how Adam runs from Liverpool to New York and back each game. Fuelled by Nivea of course. You should try it*

*Any damage caused to your car by pouring Nivea in the fuel tank is not my responsibility

8/10

Jordan Henderson

Jordan Henderson:

 

Loyalty is a fine trait in a person. There’s not enough loyalty in the modern world, where everyone would happily sh*t on everyone else if it meant they’d benefit in some way.

But can you have too much loyalty? If you can, I think Jordan displayed it last night…

Let’s call things as they are – that was a SHOCKING challenge by Ross Barkley last night. Awful. Dangerous. Leg-Breaker. Late. Callous. Calculated. A sh*thouse tackle.

However Ross Barkley is English, and (inexplicably) has been in England squads, so Jordan is ‘loyal’ to him. He came out and played down the tackle, said it was no big deal and that Ross is a ‘good lad’.

F*cking hell Jordan! How far does this ‘loyalty’ stretch?

If you found him in bed with your missus, would you apologise for disturbing them and quietly close the door to let them get back at it?

If he ran over your granny, would you pay for the dents she caused to his bumper?

If he tried to break your leg in a match, would you pretend like nothing happened?

Oh….

8/10.

Wijnaldum

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

Here we have a player who scored quite a few goals last season playing for a team that were frankly rotten. He knows where the goals are, and he knows how to put the ball into them.

Why he now breaks out in a sweat every time he sees a net baffles me.

I heard that his missus asked him to buy some onions the other day but he fell to pieces in his local Asda when he saw how they were packaged. He can’t watch NBA without breaking out in a rash. He doesn’t own a phone or computer as he can’t bear to have access to the ‘net.

Everything else he does, he does reasonably well. However if he doesn’t start throwing in some goals, you feel that the team as a whole are missing out on something that maybe someone else could provide. I mean, Emre Can has banged in a few this season….just saying….

7/10

 Divock Origi

Divock Origi: 

 

He didn’t score…

I know, I’m in shock too.

If the rumours are to be believed, Phil will be back for the clash with City on New Years Eve. That means that there’s just one game left before the three amigos are reunited up front. If that is to be the case, then Divock Origi has played a stellar role as a squad player, and will undoubtedly get more opportunities in the near future. There’s a FA Cup 3rd Round tie in early January with his name all over it.

 7/10.

firmino

Roberto Firmino

 

You know that Bobby had probably his worst game in a Liverpool shirt when Klopp name drops him after the game in an anticipatory defence of his favourite player.

For all his faults though he came closest to breaking the deadlock before it was broken (shurrup, you know what I mean), and he was desperately unlucky not to add a second in the last minute.

However, as with all of us, you know he’s counting down the days until the big moment. That moment when all your wishes come true. That moment when you go to sleep one final time and then wake up to see everything you ever wanted waiting for you. It’s so close now. Just mere days left. He’s coming…

Yep, Phil Coutinho is nearly fit again.

6/10.

Sadio Mane.jpg

Sadio Mané:

 

I’m going to prefix this piece of the review by stating very clearly that I am not racist….we all got that? Good.

Africa is bloody stupid. Yes, the whole chuffing continent. All of them. Every single last one.

Holding an international tournament in the middle of the season. Get bent. Tw*ts.

I swear to Lucifer that if Sadio gets injured when on duty for his country I’m going to declare war on the whole continent. Just me. On my own. Yes the odds are stacked against me, but you’ve never seen me when I’m angry…

Well in Sadio. Outstanding.

9/10

Substitutes:

lucas

Lucas:

Another prime-time advertisement for ‘Shut Up Shop Ltd’

He’ll make a fortune in the security business when he retires.

Yes I know that’s a direct repeat of the last review, but it’s EXACTLY what he was used for.

N/A

Emre Can

Emre Can:

 

What happens when the Rolls Royce runs out of gas?

You bring on a tank.

Welcome back Emre.

7/10

Daniel Sturridge

Daniel Sturridge:

 

You just know that Daniel confuses the bejaysus out of Jurgen Klopp.

He can’t get his head around him at all. He’s injured and he never knows how serious it is. He comes on and impacts a game when he’s only had two sessions training after a month long lay-off. He also does a funny dance when he scores….

While Jurgen may not understand him, you also suspect that he’s bloody happy to have him. Who wouldn’t? He brought that little something different last night, just when we needed it.

Just as Origi has played a huge role this season as a squad player, I also expect Daniel to do the same. If he’s fit….

8/10


klopp-new

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

There was a moment last night, about 90 seconds after the goal, when the cameras captured Jurgen reacting in the same way that I suspect many of us did at that moment.

It was a moment of realisation. A moment of clarity. A moment that instilled both hope and utter, utter dread in the hearts and souls of everyone connected with Liverpool Football Club.

It was a moment when you realise that it’s nights like THIS, moments like THIS that mean you’re in a title race. This is really on. 6 points is a gap, but football is football…we could be level on points by New Years Day for feck sake. We’re not even halfway through the season yet.

Three years ago we were in a title race, but it kind of snuck up on us. It was March before we *really* believed it was on.

Not now though.Not this year. There’s a 21 game title run-in ahead of us. It’s going to take its toll on us all, but we’re all in this together, and Jurgen is our leader.

Boss tha’.

10/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel) If you would like to pay me to write like this, please do get in touch.

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