Do You Know The First Rule Of Fan Club?

I’m not exactly sure what tipped me over the edge to make me want to write this piece. I don’t think it was a single eye-swiveling opinion or spittle-coated online rant, more likely it’s been the non-stop ‘drip-drip’ effect of endless nonsensical tweets, YouTube rants and self-absorbed demands of those that call themselves Liverpool ‘Fans’.

What is a ‘Fan’ anyway? That may sound like a daft question, but I’m starting to think that a LOT of people that support LFC have forgotten. Let’s look at the dictionary for a definition because that’s the single agreed point of reference for the definition of anything and everything, unless it’s negative about Donald Trump in which case it’s full of more ‘Fake News’ than the National Enquirer. Anyway, I digress.

A ‘Fan’ is an abbreviation of ‘Fanatic’ which is defined as:

Fanatic

A person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal.

Yep, I can’t say that hasn’t been me over the years. I mean I’ve spent a full fortnight ahead of big cup finals unable to think about anything else, unable to speak about anything else, unable to do anything of any use until it’s over. If the result was positive I was walking on air (while repeatedly punching it) for days and weeks afterwards. If the result didn’t go the way I wanted, I…well, I don’t want to talk about it, no matter what my therapist recommends.

There is much to admire about a ‘Fan’ who is besotted and devoted to their sports team. Hell, multi-billion pound businesses are based on the unbridled passion that a ‘Fan’ has for his or her team, on the fact that they will go to extraordinary lengths to support their team in whatever way they can, be that through attending games, purchasing merchandise or subscribing to sports channels to watch their team.

However you should note the synonyms ‘excessive’, ‘extremist’, ‘militant’, ‘radical’, and ‘activist’ included in that definition. I would argue (and you’re free to disagree and be wrong) that those synonyms are applicable to ‘Fans’ who go too far in their fanaticism and who, in my opinion, actually cause harm and become destructive to the team that they ironically want to succeed more than anything else…they try too hard as ‘Fans’…they turn their fanaticism up to 11…they become BLOWHARDS.

Now ask yourself…Are you a ‘Fan’ or are you a BLOWHARD ?

How about a couple of examples of Liverpool BLOWHARDS from that there Twitter machine:

Lovren Fan Tweet 1Lovren Fan Tweet 2

So these two Twitter Accounts are people who would present themselves as Liverpool ‘Fans’. One is from Liverpool itself, and the other has a plethora of LFC hashtags in their bio (#YNWA #KOP #JFT96) so it’s safe to assume both are what they say they are. It took me less than 60 seconds to find these two tweets, and there are many, many more just like them. Just stick #Lovren or #Klavan or (don’t laugh) #KloppOut into the search function on Twitter to see the reams and reams of tweets from Liverpool ‘Fans’ who have become the perfect example of BLOWHARDS.

Let’s be clear about this: If you are tweeting this kind of guff, or moaning on the Kop (or not incessantly chanting and cheering for that matter), or Instagramming it or calling into Radio Phone-Ins (and it takes a special kind of BLOWHARD to do that), you are not helping. I know you think you’re helping, but you’re not. You’ve forgotten the first rule of Fan Club. What do you mean you don’t remember what the first rule of Fan Club is? It’s simple. The first rule of Fan Club is you SUPPORT.

Back to the old dictionary we go…

Supporter

So there we have it. That’s what a ‘Supporter’ does. Ahhh! I hear you cry, it says ‘approve of and encourage and I sure as hell don’t approve of Lovren/Klavan/Chamberlain/etc’. Well, maybe you don’t, and you’re entitled to your opinion. However now we are getting to the nitty gritty of this issue.

What do you think you are going to achieve by publicly demeaning or degrading or vilifying the elements of the team/club you don’t agree with? Will Klopp drop Lovren forever because of your tweet? Will he buy VVD because you told Klavan to fuck off? Will Oxlade-Chamberlain turn into Gareth Bale because you said he was utter shite on his first start?

No. No. No.

What do you think you might achieve if you cheer them on in every minute of every game, give them all your support and clap them off at the final whistle? Will they win every game 4-0? Will Lovren win the Balon D’or? Will Klavan turn into Maldini?

No. No. No.

Y’see? It doesn’t matter what you do on the grand scale of things (although we all know fans roaring a team home can make some difference). So you have two choices. Cheer the lads with all your might or be that BLOWHARD. Why would you, as a ‘fan’, choose the latter?

I’m not immune to the frustration of being a Liverpool fan, I’ve been doing it since I was 7 years of age. I was 13 when I last saw Liverpool lift a league title and now I’m middle-aged, overweight, married with kids and in more debt than an African country. Being a ‘Fan’ of LFC is one of the very few escapes I have left (if my darling wife is reading this…I LOVE YOU!!!). I pray for success more than any of you, and I’m going to stand over that. There is no other Liverpool fan who wants it more than me. So to all of those who tweet me with glib platitudes about not accepting mediocrity, to you all I say ‘YOU DUMB F*CK’. It’s not about me accepting mediocrity, or you not accepting it, it’s about you accepting that there’s F*CK ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT APART FROM CHEERING THEM ON. 

That’s it. In a nutshell. That’s all you can do to have any affect on what happens on the pitch. You can’t change how they train, how they play, who they buy. Your job, and it’s your ONLY job, is to remember the first rule of Fan Club.

Note: I’m purely talking about the ‘cheering’/’moaning’ elements of being a fan. I am fully in awe of the work of the Fans Groups who make a real difference within the club such as in relation to Ticket Pricing etc, and there are also rare occasions when we all need to be BLOWHARDS together, isn’t that right Mr. Hodgson?

YNWA.

 

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FantasyYIRMA GW 5 Review

I have a theory that there is a kind of mass psychosis affecting the population of planet Earth for the past 18 months or so – something ethereal that causes normally sane people to make terrible, idiotic and often damaging decisions. The evidence is there for all to see:

Brexit – A heinous act of self-harm perpetrated by 17,410,742 people who thought that poverty and destruction of the future was a jolly good idea

Trump – An even more heinous act of harm on the whole planet perpetrated by 62,979,636 people who thought that the leader of the free world should be two croissants short of a continental breakfast

Not Selecting Sergio Aguero – An egregious act of self harm perpetrated by 83.8% of FPL players (that’s 4,211,355 teams) who thought that he just isn’t that good. Just take a look at his stats over the last four seasons…those points…those bonus points…now look at his price! He’s cheaper than Kane (29% ownership)! He’s cheaper than Lukaku (55% ownership)!

Sergio Aguero Stats

Now tell me that there isn’t something funny going on on a global scale with people’s decision making, eh? The case rests m’lud…

Two defenders make up the remainder of the top three highest-scoring players this week, but only one of them is worth discussing, and it’s not Nicolas Otamendi. No, it’s Antonio Valencia who deserves a nod in this week’s review thanks to his Worldy Thunderbastard Thronking Golazo against Everton on Sunday afternoon. It was so good that in the middle of one of the great All-Ireland Football Finals the patrons of a pub in East Cork were moved to divert their gaze to the only TV showing the ‘Foreign Football’ and nod in appreciation. Quite the feat.

The next member of the Winners section is a man who looked as useless as Theresa May at a EU Summit for 80 minutes of the match on Sunday but turned it around in spectacular fashion with an assist followed by a goal followed by top class trolling of the fans who used to idolise him, Mr. Romelu Lukaku. His late burst of point-scoring action transformed the headlines from ‘Blankaku’ to ‘Red Rom’ and the weekends of over half the FPL players who had selected him. You can never count against the curse of the former player. Never.

Matt Ritchie is a curious player in many ways. He’s now 28 years old but strikes me as a young man just starting to make his way in the game. He’s English born but plays for Scotland, and he left a Premier League team where he was assured of regular playing time to sign for a Championship side. Of course he was signing for Rafa Benitez and Newcastle United, so the man clearly has vision and good taste, and he’s starting to make a real impact on the FPL game with four assists in his last three games, two of which put Stoke City to the sword. An impressive 11 point haul including three BP’s (that’s Bonus Points, not three versions of the oil company) raises him to the pantheon of weekly champions.

Speaking of players who it could be argued took a backward step in order to progress, Lukasz Fabianski is the highest scoring goalkeeper of the week with a very impressive 11 points thanks to his clean-sheet, eight-save, three BP’s performance at Wembley to frustrate Harry Kane and co. That curse isn’t going away you know. In fact it may be getting stronger now that it’s inspiring ex-Gooner goalkeepers to turn into Lev Yashin (ask yer Granddad).

As for the Villians Of The Week, well we just have to cast our eyes over to Elton John’s place and recoil in the horror at what we see. No, I’m not talking about David Furnish in a half-open bathrobe bending over to pick up the newspaper, I’m talking about the scenes of destruction at Vicarage Road that would be deemed ‘too graphic’ for Game of Thrones. I could name names here, but I’m going to spare the blushes of the Watford defence, who combined for a tear-inducing -5 point haul. Ah screw it, the worst was actually José Holebas who picked up a yellow card and finished with -2 points. Mind you, I’d argue that if more Watford defenders cared enough to get booked, maybe they wouldn’t have conceded six goals. Incidentally did you know that José Holebas was the inspiration for the seminal 2004 hit by Gwen Stefani after they started dating? Aye, she was chuffed to be the ‘Holebas Girl’…

It wasn’t just defenders in dayglo yellow that suffered a negative score this week, as they were joined by Ashley ‘Marginally Better/Younger Than Phil Jagielka’ Williams who racked up -1 point after disintegrating in the last ten minutes at Old Trafford and picking up a yellow card too. If only Everton had some warning that United finished games strongly, how were they possibly to know???

However you don’t have to end up with negative points to be a Villain Of The Week, isn’t that right David ‘Sideshow Bob’ Luiz? Cruising along to a lovely clean sheet for over 22% of FPL players and he goes and trods on a rake to pick up a straight red. So unnecessary. In fact the last ten minutes of that match was an unseemly point-sucking vortex as referee Michael Oliver threw around more cards than a croupier at Vegas. Rakes everywhere…

Sideshow Bob Rakes

 

FantasyYIRMA GW 3 Review

So an international break is upon us just as you were getting into your FPL rhythm. How frustrating is that? I tell you how frustrating it is…It’s like you’re 16 again and UEFA are your parents arriving home early when you and your ‘significant other’ are just getting into *ahem* ‘things’ (If you are 16 and reading this, behave yourself!)

Anyway, every cloud has a silver lining so my Heroes of the week are going to be based on the Republic Of Ireland football team, who, based on FPL achievements in GW3 are on the verge of winning the World Cup.

STOP LAUGHING!

Ciaran Clark, the colossus at the heart of the Newcastle United juggernaut top scored this week with a sensational Clean Sheet + Goal Scored + Full Bonus Point haul against the mighty West Ham United, who I’ll remind you, actually did in the World Cup in 1966.

Added to Clark is his potential CB partner for the next fortnight, Shane Duffy, who led Brighton & Hove Albion to their first clean sheet of the season at Watford and picked up maximum bonus points along the way. I’ll remind you that the mighty Liverpool conceded three at Vicarage Road a couple of weeks ago, although that match didn’t feature Miguel Britos attempting to remove an opponents leg without anaesthetic.

The final member of the ‘Eire’ (It’s always odd when I see people refer to the Republic of Ireland as Eire, when nobody in the Republic of Ireland actually does so themselves) GW3 hall of fame is Robbie Brady who strolled into Wembley Stadium and produced an outrageous threaded through-ball that took out at least five Spurs players for Chris Wood to score. You really can’t underestimate the quality of the pass because Chris Wood is actually ranked 67th in the World Golf Rankings and is one of the most promising young English golfers for the future. Remarkable.

Moving away from the Emerald Isle brings us to Spain and Alvaro Morata who for the second time in three games produced a Goal + Assist performance, and at £10m is looking like a must-have for all you ‘Screw this I’m hitting the Wildcard before GW 4 merchants’. He’s got Leicester, Arsenal and Stoke City on the horizon which looks ripe for a rich points haul despite the FPL website telling me that the Arsenal game is a ‘4’ on the difficulty rating. Or maybe that’s just a prediction on how many Alvaro will score in that game. Don’t even bother arguing Gunners fans, unless it’s on ArsenalFanTV, in which case keep it up, I do like a good belly-laugh.

Incidentally, did you hear the one about the Senegalese, the Egyptian and the Brazilian that made the Frenchman cry? Mane, Salah and Firmino are the triple-act that is tearing the league apart in the formative first few weeks. An acronym is all the rage in football, and has been for yonks. Remember the ‘SAS’ of Shearer and Sutton for Blackburn? We also had the ‘MSN’ era in Barcelona. I’m tempted to try and arrange the LFC trio into an acronym, but whatever I try, be it MSF / FSM / SFM, it just comes across (steady…) as an advert for a Swingers / BDSM personal ad in your local phone box. Mind you, they look like they’ll f*ck over loads of teams between now and the end of the season and I make some very questionable ‘noises’ when I see them in full flight. Anyway, I’ve said too much.

Finally a special mention to Cecil Fibreglass who I tipped as an asset to have in my pre-season preview, but then proceeded to get himself sent off against Burnley. Those of you with patience will have been rewarded with a goal-scoring and max-bonus-point haul of 11 points. I should also commend Kyle Naughton for his magnificent 12 points at Palace, but seeing as I marooned him in the final sub spot on my bench, I just can’t bring myself to say much more, lest the boo-hoo’s start again…

As for Villains of the week, well, where to begin…

Romelu Lukaku and ZERO points at home to Leicester City. Man, he teased everyone with his first two games hauling in 19 points, and then…THAT. I’m not saying that he telegraphed where he was going to put his spot-kick but Kasper Schmeichel started his dive to the right before Lukaku started his run-up. The fact that Kasper has now saved more penalties at Old Trafford than his Dad ever did is one of the all-time great stats.

Another player proving to be a bit of a frustration is Sergio Aguero, benched for the lunchtime Saturday early game. While he picked up a miserable one point, I think he should have been awarded at least three bonus points for trying to protect that poor young fella that was being hogtied by over-zealous stewards following City’s last minute winner. We’ve seen Cantona go into the crowd studs up but if Kun had repeated that trick to those stewards I suspect many would have applauded. However, if you pick a Captain for that game you deserve all you get. NEVER CAPTAIN A PLAYER IN THE SATURDAY LUNCHTIME GAME. You should always listen to advice you get on FantasyYIRMA…which brings me onto…

Harry Kane, a man whose FPL points haul so far this season would ensure qualification through most rounds of ‘Pointless’, and who you were all advised (on this very site) to pick because he was playing on a Sunday and you didn’t want to spend every Sunday afternoon hiding behind the couch. Well, I followed this advice and now I spend every Sunday evening hiding behind the couch and drinking heavily. Marvellous.

A special nod to Raheem Sterling who managed to ruin a perfectly good away day points haul with his red card, achieved for what in essence was a gentle trip and a hug. And finally to the aforementioned Miguel Britos who launched an outrageous two-footed, studs-up, shin-high lunge at Anthony Knockaert and then argued that the decision was a bit harsh. If you watch the incident again, keep an eye on the linesman who was nearest the action. He nearly shook the flag off his stick in horror. Scientists have now revealed that 98.37% of those who watched a replay of the incident on MOTD uttered the words ‘Jesus Christ’ in response. The other 1.63% of people were Watford fans who uttered the word ‘Tw*t’.

 

You Can Open The Curtains Now, The Transfer Window Is Shut…

Perception can be a cruel mistress. The same fact can mean drastically different things to different people due to their perception of that fact.

Take the Summer Transfer Window business of Liverpool Football Club for instance. I can tell you for a fact that it is thus:

Transfers In

Transfers Out

Total Money Spent: £80,100,000

Total Money Received: £ 42,480,000

So there you have it, all the facts of the matter.

Yet if you printed off all the tweets where people discussed how they perceived these facts, and stacked them one on top of the other, the astronauts on the International Space Station would have enough paper to doodle for months.

As ever, there are extremes of perception in favour of, and against, the business done by LFC in this transfer window. There are those who would organise a #FSGOUT march through the centre of Liverpool with all the gusto of a white supremacist rally in America, while others would volunteer to throw rose petals under the feet of Michael Edwards as he strode to his car after work today.

FSG Out
Look at this f*ckwit…

It’s impossible to write an opinion-piece like this without my own perceptions seeping into these words, but then again you can’t read it without your own perceptions affecting your opinion of this piece, so let’s all agree to read this and never speak of it again, ok?

This has been a GOOD transfer window for LFC. There I’ve said it. If you can’t read the paragraphs below due to the quantity of spittle and bile all over your screen, then you should stop reading here….

It has not been a great transfer window however because one transfer didn’t happen, to address one area of ‘perceived’ weakness in the Liverpool team, namely the failure to capture Virgil Van Dijk from Southampton. This ‘failure’ (and I use that term loosely as I’m not sure you can deem it a failure if the club that owns the player simply refuses to play ball, particularly when you played with their ball without their permission first…) is all the more frustrating as it has been the single biggest issue in the minds of the LFC fans for longer than any other. However it hasn’t happened, no matter how upset you may be about it, and they continue with what they have, and what they have is better than what I hear many say.

VVD
A Saint Or A Sinner? 

I’m not going to name specific players because you all know who is considered a weakness in this Liverpool defence, but I am going to point out some FACTS to you about this Liverpool defence:

In the last TEN league games played, Liverpool have conceded SIX goals. Defensive issues? What defensive issues? Ahh, but hold on, I can actually hear you screaming ‘small sample size’, ‘selective bias’ and ‘FSG apologist f*cknut’, so let’s continue…

In the TEN league games prior, Liverpool conceded FIFTEEN goals. Defensive issues? Oh, aye, those defensive issues. Why didn’t you say so! There you go, proof positive that the failure to capture VVD will ensure this season ends in tears and that the transfer window was a busted flush.

Perception, eh? What a bitch. The FACTS of the matter are that Jurgen Klopp got fed up with his side conceding so many goals and tasked his coaching staff with sorting out the defensive performances. Therefore LFC go from 15 goals conceded in a ten game spell to 6 goals conceded in the next ten game spell with the exact same personnel, apart from Andrew Robertson’s fine debut at home to Palace a couple of weeks ago. You can still argue that it was a ‘nice run of fixtures’ or ‘sheer luck’, and that’s an argument that can be made. However anybody watching LFC over the past two seasons will have seen that Klopp improves players, so you could make a counter-argument that it just took longer for his magic to work on the defensive side of their game.

Any defence will obviously still have ‘off-days’ where you could , ooh I dunno, concede three goals away to Watford (HAH! Evidence that they’re shit in defence!) or concede three at home to Burnley (What? Chelsea? The Champions? Oh, but that’s just a fluke, right?).

Chelsea Burnley
Ropey Defence. LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE. 

It’s accepted wisdom that if you reduce the amount of goals conceded in a league season to below thirty, you’re almost certain to win the league. LFC have conceded 3 goals in 4 games, which extrapolated out over 38 games puts them on target to concede 28.5 goals. I’m already blaming Moreno for the .5 goal you know. I’m not saying that this level of defensive performance will happen, but stretching it out to the last ten games, they’re on target to concede 22.8 goals….I’ll stop now…

So time will tell if the Liverpool defence will continue to be the achilles heel of this team, but if you analyse last season (which I’m sure most of you have) it was the absence of Sadio Mane in January/February that many will tell you really hurt Liverpool. The team was used to (and perhaps accepted) conceding a goal a game when they were scoring three in reply, but when the goals dried up those goals meant losses and draws. In the event of an absence of Mane this season, the transfer window captures of Mo Salah, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Dominic Solanke should ensure that Liverpool continue to score two or more goals a game while the defence continues to leak more than the White House (or not, eh?). The start that Mo Salah has made to his Liverpool career should not be overlooked, as he has been simply sensational. In fact he’s been so prominent and successful in getting into attacking positions that I believe he needs to work on his finishing – that may sound like a negative, but it’s a real positive in that he could/should have had another couple of goals this season at least, and Liverpool have scored SEVEN in three games for crying out loud.

Salah
On your marks…Get set…Too late, I already won…

The full-back options open to Jurgen Klopp should be another reason why this transfer window should be considered a qualified success for LFC. Last season ended with an underwhelming Nathaniel ‘Patsy’ Clyne at right-back and a fish out of water James Milner at left-back. However now at the start of September with a rejuvenated Alberto Moreno battling with new acquisition (and seriously impressive clean-sheet keeping debutant) Andrew Robertson for the left-back slot, with Trent Alexander-Arnold and Joe Gomez seemingly locked in an incredibly high quality battle to the death to secure the right-back slot, with ‘Patsy’ Clyne humming ‘Crazy’ while rocking back and forth on the bench…

Of course the fact that the left-back slot is now so well covered means that James Milner has been freed to roam freely in the fresh green pastures of midfield, where he’s now battling Henderson, Can, Wijnaldum, Lallana, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Coutinho (steady…that’s a different blog) and from next season Naby Keita for one of the three midfield berths. Now I’m not sure if you can count as well as me but that’s EIGHT players (all of whom are a billion miles better than Kevin Stewart, and that’s not a slight on Kevin) battling for THREE places. Depth? A nuclear submarine could get lost in that depth.

There is now genuine competition for places in every part of the Liverpool team, even in goal. Just when it seemed that Mignolet had seen off Loris ‘Fandango’ Karius, Klopp drops one for the other in a move that I can only describe as ‘sharp’. It was a clear message to Mignolet to not let his standards drop for a second, lest Karius will usurp him in the blink of an eye. It’s quality management by Klopp who has worked out that a complacent Mignolet is a flappy Mignolet. He’ll have him on his toes so much this season Mignolet may well end up starring in Swan Lake at the Royal Albert Hall before May. He’d look good in a Desmond.

Simon Mignolet Yellow

So when I take a cold, calculated look at the ‘new’ squad as a whole, I feel that LFC fans should be satisfied with the business done. However I accept that others may not feel as sated, and that’s perfectly acceptable. What is not acceptable however is the vitriol that I see on Twitter from so-called LFC ‘fans‘ who ‘want what’s best‘ and won’t ‘accept failure‘. Let me make one thing clear to you all. If I see you on Twitter claiming to be a ‘fan‘ but aiming direct abuse at a player/owner/owner’s wife, I’m going to screenshot it and I’m going to start a new blog and highlight you to the world (or at least the 4 people who will read this). On a serious note, enough is enough. You don’t have to be happy-clappy and believe that all is well in the world of Liverpool Football Club, but abusing your own while claiming to be a ‘fan’ doesn’t wash with me. You have been warned.

Anyway, enough of the negativity, UP THE DEFENSIVELY IMPROVING GOOD TRANSFER WINDOW SCORING GOALS AT WILL CHAMPIONS LEAGUE GROUP STAGE REDS (utdigtwsgawclgsr…that acronym needs work)

 

FantasyYIRMA GW 2 Review

HEROES OF THE WEEK:

£7.0m will get you quite a good player in midfield in this seasons FPL – You could have a Mata, a Ramsey or even a Geordie Winegum – all players that regularly chip in with goals and assists and wonderful, valuable, delicious fantasy football points.

£7.0m is A LOT of money however for a FPL defender. So much so that there’s only one defender in the game that costs that much this season, namely Marcos Alonso. Following the shellacking that he and his mates received at home to the mighty Burnley, you’d be forgiven for congratulating  yourself for not wasting money on him. If you had succumbed to temptation you probably told yourself that you’d be wise to bench him for GameWeek Two as the good ship Chelsea listed and keeled into Wembley Port, seemingly sunk below the waterline with the media full of stories of ‘Mutiny On The (Stamford) Bridge’.

Wise? Let me tell you about wisdom. Wisdom is the ability to to think and act using knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense, and insight. Wisdom is knowing that a tomato is a fruit but you should never put one in a fruit salad.

72, 380 of you ditched Alonso for this GameWeek. The only wisdom you lot have are DVD’s of Norman Wisdom.

For the second GameWeek running the top scoring players are all defenders. Following hot on the heels of Marcos Alonso is Eric Bailly (who incidentally is definitely NOT a relation to 1980’s United custodian Gary Bailey, no matter how many times I tell people in the pub that he is). In fact you really needed to be backing Jose Mourinho and his charges for the first two GameWeeks as they have smashed in eight goals without reply with the midfield of Pogba and Mkhytarian running rampant. Mind you it was just West Ham and Swansea…with Leicester, Stoke, Everton, Southampton and Palace to come. How’s THAT for a kind fixture list, eh Jose? Jose? Oh, NOW you’re quiet.

Joining Alonso and Bailly in this weeks Defenders Hall Of Fame is Jacob Harry Maguire (aka ‘Harry’ Maguire) of Leicester City who now has a goal, an assist and a clean sheet in his first two games of the season and who looks to be a real find. I’m not saying that he’s a big lad, but the residents of Leicester didn’t bat an eyelid at yesterdays solar eclipse as Harry has been blocking out the sun ever since his arrival. (I could make the same gag about Hull but they haven’t seen sunshine since 1928)

As it’s still early days in the season we’re all looking for ‘green shoots’ that may indicate who our next shrewd transfer should be. Well look no further than the ‘little pea’ himself, Javier ‘Chicharito’ Hernandez who is proving once more that he’s a deadlier pea-shooter than Dennis The Menace. Two shots on target, two goals. He’d make the hardest FPL heart go all mushy with stats like that. I’ll stop the pea puns now before you all go green with envy.

I’d also like to commend Riyad Mahrez for his sterling efforts this season despite putting in a transfer request. Three assists in his opening two games despite wanting out of the club. It’s called professionalism, maturity, gratitude and character. ISN’T THAT RIGHT PHILIPPE COUTINHO???? (I don’t care, I really don’t. The little poxbottle).

Two new names have popped up on the FPL radar this week with the goalscoring feats of Mooy and Jese catching the eye. Now both these players are new to me and the pronunciation of both their names is proving to be a challenge. Mooy seems to be how you’d describe an overly vocal cow, while Jese sounds like the noise you make when you sneeze. Mind you, if they keep generating FPL points at the rate they are, I’ll call them whatever they want me to call them, including ‘Daddy’.

Finally a chance to pat myself on the back again as I remind you of my Season Preview piece where I advised you to avoid Premium Goalkeepers in favour of those playing behind somewhat porous defences where they can make some saves. Come on down Jack Butland! Six saves for two points, a clean sheet for six points and three bonus points on top of all that. An eleven point haul compared to Courtois who was beaten by his own man and Lloris who was beaten at his near post. That’s a handy £0.5m better off spent elsewhere. (I also specifically tipped Ben Foster who has yet to concede a goal this season – the only thing I’ve got right so far *weeps*)

VILLAINS OF THE WEEK:

Marko Arnautovic is Austrian, and clearly the first villain to ever come out of that country, right? Oh…never mind. Moving on swiftly I have some sympathy for him in that he was clearly clattered, and it probably hurt, but if you’re going to get retribution you need to be far, far, far smarter than he was. I’m not saying his actions were obvious but if he picked up his opponent and body-slammed him through a table it would have been just as obvious. A score of -2 points and a suspension until the middle of September meaning a nice little break at the end of the summer. Marvellous.

Mind you it took Marko a full 32 minutes to accumulate that total of -2, whereas it only took Michy Batshuayi 11 minutes to rack up his total of -1. Coming on as a sub at Wembley, heading into your own net and denting the 2 x Goal, 3 x Bonus Point and 1 x Clean Sheet total of Marcos Alonso? THE MONSTER.

Speaking of Wembley it’s time we talked about hoodoo’s and voodoo’s and the like. Harry Kane never scores in August. Spurs never win at Wembley (apart from when they do but that doesn’t count apparently). Combine the two and only the truly foolhardy (and me) would pick Harry Kane at the start of this season. However despite his double 1 point haul to start this season I’m backing Harry to turn it around at home to Burnley next Sunday. I mean Burnley have no chance travelling south to London against a top six team, right? RIGHT?

Finally we have the ex-Spurs right back Kyle Walker (who has been cloned and replaced at Spurs by a player called Kyle Walker-Peters, which is frankly just weird). Kyle has never struck me as being the sharpest tool in the box but to get ‘conned’ into a red card by a 14 year old Everton striker takes some doing. Mind you if you thought that Calvert-Lewin’s sh*thousing was good, he was shown up by the master Sergio Kun*ahem* Aguero who snided Morgan Schneiderlin into a red card with a dive, pirouette, triple salchow and fake death after the Frenchman had the temerity to win the ball. Minus points all around and jolly good entertainment on a Monday evening, unless you happened to be daft enough to captain either of those players.

 

 

 

FantasyYIRMA GW 1 Review

You spent weeks and weeks tweaking, adjusting and polishing that Game Week One team. You drafted and re-drafted to the point that your energy bills doubled with all the drafts. You poured over pre-season results, the formations used by Frank De Boer and Eddie Howe and you repeatedly rang Phil Coutinho’s ma to find out what state of mind the little snake, sorry, mercurial magician was in ahead of the season opener (and now there’s a restraining order to be dealt with).

It was all worth it right? No, me neither.

There’s a special place in hell for those #smugYIRMA pillocks proclaiming to all within earshot that it was OBVIOUS that Hegazi was the buy of the summer. That’s a crock for two reasons:

  1. Who? Even the FPL site doesn’t have a picture of him next to his bloody name
  2. You dishonoured the memory of Gareth McAuley. His position was still warm for Christ sake. (He is dead, isn’t he?)

The fact that the two highest scoring players in the week were two defenders, when goals were raining like nuclear warheads over Pyongyang next week (probably) just shows that we’re all puppets on the string of this vocation (It’s not a game. Never call it a game). I mean having to face your missus across the breakfast table as she drones on and on about how Ben Davies was such an obvious pick because ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet and score as many points as Danny’ or some such babble…honestly, I’m a shell of a man this morning.

Then we have the Kane v Lukaku debate, and there was a clear winner. I admit that in 23 of my first 24 drafts I had the big Belgian front and centre in my team, but then I remembered the finish to last season for Harry Kane so I lost my nerve and drafted him in. I’m now down a bottle of Jameson and my revolver is nicely polished and my children are looking at me funny, but they don’t understand. THEY JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Still, at least some of my Preview shouts were on the money. Ben Foster because Pulis. Mane and Salah because, well, DUH. Burnley – oh aye, I tipped Burnley. Well, I tipped the Irish midfield of Burnley, not the superhero that is ‘Big’ Sam Vokes. I’m reliably informed that his name on his birth certificate actually is ‘Big’ Sam Vokes. Sam is his middle name. Remarkable.

I also tipped that lad for United that I refuse to try and spell. Well, if you insist. It’s Mikcyityhyryiyan. Yeah, that’s it. If you could all just ignore the fact that I also tipped Newcastle defenders, Leicester defenders and Cecil Fibreglass then that would be just swell.

Mind you, none of my preview shouts were anywhere near as prescient as the FantasyYIRMA Huddersfield Preview piece which I read and then promptly ignored like an idiot. Mounie – He’ll have a cult following if he keeps that form going. He’ll be a real unifying force *ahem*

A hat-tip this week to the genius at Sky Sports who decided that the Arsenal v Leicester match should be played on a Friday night. I’m a fan of Friday Night Football…as long as there isn’t a Monday Night Football that same weekend. That’s just too bloody long to be sweating over your fantasy football team. I mean, that could lead to hospitalisation due to severe dehydration.

Another fan of Friday Night Football is Jamie Vardy, and why wouldn’t he be? He has a new clause in his contract that Craig Shakespeare inserted which states that for each league goal he gets a crate of Blue WKD, and when you score two before 10pm on a Friday night….CARNAGE. Now THAT’S how you motivate your players.

Finally we have the 21st Century version of Chas & Dave, namely Alli and Eriksen, aka Chris & Dele. Now the original Chas and Dave wrote the famous anthem ‘Snooker Loopy’ when these isles were enthralled by the antics of Higgins, Davis, Taylor et al, mainly because there was sod all else to watch. Well with Chris & Dele, we could have a new anthem ‘Fantasy Football Loopy’ – which you may well be if you don’t have either / or Alli or Eriksen on your team. I don’t think it would be hard to get Dele Alli into a recording studio. You’d just need to tell him that it’s where a daft new handshake is being created. Personally I can’t wait for their album.

Anyway, I’m now off to dream of a midfield of Alli, Eriksen, Mane and Salah.

Until next week…

 

 

FantasyYIRMA 2017/2018 Season Preview

Well thank Christ THAT’S over…I have a particular kind of hate for a non-tournament summer. It drives a man to do some strange, terrible things. I even found myself cheering on the bloody egg-chasers in New Zealand for crying out loud, and the less said about Wimbledon, the better (at least that’s what my legal advisors told me to say…)

Anyway, we’re now on the verge of being BACK…and BACK WITH A BLOODY GREAT BIG BANG. Thirty eight glorious Gameweeks stretch out ahead of us like a glistening oasis at the edge of the barren football-free desert, offering hope, inspiration and undoubted paranoia, rage and despair, but you wouldn’t swap it for anything, right?

As ever at the beginning of August there are so many questions. Therefore many of us are walking around looking like Donald Trump when he’s asked to take a seat in the corner of the Oval Office. Perplexed isn’t the word. Fear not dear friends, for I am here to predict with 100% accuracy* the next nine glorious months of Fantasy Football action, so that you can emerge next May, blinking in the sunlight you haven’t seen since, well, now, victorious and giving it large to all your ‘friends’ whom you vanquished.

If you’re ready, we shall now begin…

This season, as with every season, a cheap goalkeeper shall rack up a points total that would make a common Peter Cech blush. Those of you that invested in a ‘Premium’ keeper will once more look like a ‘Premium’ Pillock. Let me make this easy for those of you that are hard of thinking…Goalkeepers score points for making saves, so you actually want your goalkeeper to be playing behind a defence that has more holes in it than Augusta, assuming he’s not Artur Boruc and can actually save shots. Mind you  Your expensive options will often face a minimum of shots, but will concede a single goal from a set-piece and will have you shouting ‘TWO, TWO, ONE, TWO’ more often than the sound engineer at a Rolling Stones gig.

This season the Budgie hero (Budget/Cheap/Cheep, geddit?) will be Ben Foster, because Pulis. Always Pulis.

When it comes to defenders, you want all the Chelsea lads along with the ultra-attacking full-backs and James Milner with his penalties, but that will leave you with a midfield and attack made up solely of Huddersfield and Brighton players you’ve never heard of, so this is where you need to start going to your local German budget supermarket for the next few weeks and get used to picking up a bargain. Trust me, when you go in for cheap beans and come out with a 96-piece ratchet set and a trampoline for less than the price of an M&S Souffle, you’ll be ready.

You want to look at Newcastle but not for too long though because they get odd very easily and can punch you (or your horse) on the nose. However in Rafa Benitez they have a God amongst men who knows how to organise a defence better than anybody in history. You can keep your Italian Catenaccio masters, Rafa won the European Cup with Djimi Traore in defence. The case rests m’lud. Anyway, my point is that a Yedlin or Lascelles wouldn’t do you much harm, and if they turned over Spurs on the opening day I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. These magpies could be snaffling up shiny six point hauls all season long. TRUST ME.

My other defensive tip to watch is Leicester City under Craig Shakespeare who will be seeking to write a far better script for the start of this season than dear old Claudio Ranieri managed last time out. Danny Simpson’s your man. TRUST ME.

Now onto the midfield where Fantasy Football leagues are won and lost, and where, thanks to modern football tactics, you could easily play another four strikers behind your, err, strikers. Splendid. Speaking of splendid, you NEED Mane and Salah. Not ‘want’ or ‘prefer’ or ‘could’, you NEED them, like Piers Morgan NEEDS attention. They both play up-front for Liverpool, they’re both fecking dynamite and they’ll both haul in points like an Atlantic Trawler hauls in plastic bottles and lost surfers. TRUST ME.

Last season we all dined out on Alli, Eriksen, Sanchez and Hazard, but the Spurs lads won’t have a home game all season, Sanchez may not be in London for much longer (or will be sulking while he still is) and Hazard is broken. It’s time for new thinking. De Bruyne is an obvious temptation but Pep treats his players like his rotisserie chicken, with frequent rotation and basting (you should see the state of the Man City dressing room…), so that could be a very annoying £10m on the bench with far too much regularity. Someone in with a real shout of making a noise is The Voice judge Will.I.An who looks set to deputise for Hazard during his absence, and at £7m could be a frickin’ steal. Others to consider would be Zaha, Cecil Fibreglass (sorry, Cesc Fabregas) and possibly that Man United lad with the 300 point Scrabble name, who is either going to come good this season or be a flop forever. TRUST ME.

As for cheaper midfield reinforcements (or the lads you’re forced to buy and have no intention of playing until absolutely necessary) I point you towards Burnley. It’s up there. No, not there. Over a bit. Among the rolling dales and hills, with the weird grey hue over it. Aye, that’s the one. Some interesting recruitment by Sean Dyche over the past twelve months as he has subtely recruited, piece by piece, the Republic of Ireland midfield. Now you may laugh and mock and jeer (I wish you wouldn’t though as it hurts my feelings) but Robbie Brady can be a 21st century Ian Harte at set-pieces and Jon Walters is stronger than ever despite being 387 years of age. I once Captained Jon Walters when he scored his one and only senior hat-trick. Take THAT for a differential and smoke it…

Finally we get to where the action is, up front and centre. Now pay attention. This is where you’re going to spend, and spend big, and I’m not here to tell you not to. Instead I’m going to write a poem:

Harry Kane is homeless

Lukaku has nowhere to hide

Morata is untested

Jesus was supposed to have died

Aguero is being doubted

Lacazette is far too French

Costa is surplus to requirements

He’ll surely start on the bench

Defoe has gone down South

Benteke’s learning the Ajax way

Rooney can wear his pyjamas to work

Josh King is actually from Norway

Whoever you splurge on now

Will seal your fate this year

No matter who you pick you’ll be mocked

Everyone thinks it’s their year

So there you have it. No tips on who to pick up front because there are LOADS of players who could propel you to victory and it’s impossible to know which won’t. Plus I just wanted to write a poem.

We all know that this matters more than everything else, but in a couple of months the usual wastrels will have given up and a lot more of us will pretend we don’t care and ‘never check that bloody thing’ (despite racking up 98 points by ‘accident’).

All I can say now is to wish you well (as long as you finish behind me) and inform you that I shall be writing a weekly Gameweek summary for FantasyYIRMA where the heroes shall be raised up on impossibly high pedestals and the villains shall be ridiculed like a common White House Communications Director. Until then…just make your bloody mind up!

*100% accuracy with a +/- swing of 100%

** Niall Hawthorne should NOT be trusted. Ever.

@FantasyYIRMA GW37 Review

When 2017 draws to an end in just 7 months time (I know, where does the time go, eh?. Deary me, it seems like only yesterday I was taking down the Christmas Tree and fecking it over the wall next door…), you will look back on the year and reminisce about the momentous events that have occurred over the previous 12 months.

  • The inauguration of Donald ‘Lenin’ Trump (and his hilarious downfall *taps nose*)
  • General Election 2017 and the rise of Prime Minister Corbyn (stop sniggering)
  • The Gameweek 37 Triple Captain Schenanigans

 

One of those events will resonate more than the others. It will colour your view of 2017 as a year when everything changed forever. Yep, if you Triple-Captained Harry Kane, you couldn’t give a rats arse about Russia taking over the White House or the UK committing societal harikari, you’ll remember 2017 as the year when you f*cking nailed it.

Triple Captain Kane

Over 29% of players had planned, plotted and executed the capture of Alexis Sanchez for this most vital of GW’s, with 70,403 people thrusting the Triple-Captain chip at him and thus trusting their mental health and social status to the volatile Chilean. To those who pursued this course of action, you did well. Make no mistake, it was a shrewd move, and you amassed an impressive 81 points, a fine reward for weeks of painstaking, disciplined team management.

Of course 15,194 of you just gave the Triple-Captain chip to Harry Kane, cracked open a can of your finest Dutch Gold and flicked the V’s at the world while toasting the season-high 93 point haul from the now three-season wonder. It’ll never last you know…

Honourable mentions go to the other attacking players who so many entrusted with the Triple Captain chip this week. So please be upstanding and applaud the following for their efforts this week (no really, I can see you, get up off your arse and start clapping):

  • Gabriel Jesus – 19 points
  • Philippe Coutinho – 19 points
  • Heung-Min Son – 19 points

However, there is one players who we need to discuss above all others. A man who amassed 20 points this week, and who was Triple-Captained by 400 people. Yes, 400 people gave the TC chip to a defender whose name they can’t spell. And you wonder why Trump and the Tories got elected….

Here’s to you Cesar Azplic…Azpicle…Azpclip…

Here’s to you DAVE!

Azpilicueta
Dave, pictured after playing his own name for 943 points in ‘Words With Friends’

Another defender who performed heroics was Kyle Naughton of Swansea. You see, some shrewd managers recognised early doors the improvement the side were making under Clement, and reacted accordingly. They played Naughton week-in and week-out, suffering the bad days, and enjoying the ever increasing good days as Swansea finally extricated themselves from the neck-high excrement they found themselves in…and then ‘somebody’ chose to bench Naughton on the week he did a madness and racked up 15 points. I’m fine. No, really, I’m fine. Steve Cook was clearly the better choice on paper. *sobs*

However as we all know, night follows day, yang follows yin and despair follows success, such is the way of the world, so we now need to discuss those who flopped more than Dick Fosbury in this most crucial of weeks…

I couldn’t find a stat for how many people Triple-Captained Eden Hazard, but I did read that the absentee rate of workers in the UK and Ireland more than quadrupled since Tuesday. It’s understandable really. If you had racked up a whopping 15 points after holding onto your TC chip for 37 weeks, and found that your ‘star man’ got less points than John freaking Terry, you’d struggle to face the world too. Ah well, just 13 or so weeks until next season, eh?

Another huge disappointment was Romelu Lukaku who has chosen to depart Everton by quietly slipping out of the door as opposed to the accompaniment of a huge fanfare and the Golden Boot for the 16/17 season. Just the 2 points at home to Watford, his worst points haul at home since…well, the previous game in fact. That’s 8 points in 4 games for the burly Belgian, so those Liverpool fans hoping for favours from Lukaku at The Emirates this weekend can dream on. Romelu has packed his trunks and has said goodbye to the circus that is Everton Football Club. Who he’ll play for next season is still a mystery, but I’m willing to bet that he’ll still be playing in blue….(SPOILER ALERT: It’s Chelsea, he’s going back to Chelsea. To replace Costa)

Lukaku

Our final disappointment of the week is a man who I predict will be synonymous with disappointment as his career gradually meanders and stalls over the next decade, all because he just hasn’t learned how to kick a football hard enough. Come on down Raheem Sterling! While his teammates were filling their boots with two home games v Leicester and West Brom, Raheem was bumbling around the field for 77 minutes against Leicester and doing so badly that he wasn’t allowed play against the Tony Pulis Giants, who really don’t fancy a quick, nippy winger type running at them. THAT’S how bad he was. A 2 point haul was pitiful considering the likes of Sane got 12, De Bruyne got 15, Old Man Silva got 10 and the lumbering sloth that is Yaya Toure also got 10. £50 million quid? You got mugged City. Absolutely mugged.

 

@FantasyYIRMA GW 35 Review

There are moments when destiny sometimes comes knocking on your door. It’s not so much a gentle tap, it’s more of a booming wallop of your knocker (steady on…), so loud that you have no choice but to face your destiny with all the bravery you can muster.

And so, with just 3 GW’s left of this interminable Fantasy Football season (for those of us not in with a chance of silverware at least), that moment came calling at St. Mary’s Stadium, in the dying minutes of an utterly forgettable game between Southampton and Hull City.

Those of you who were seeking fantasy football glory and had selected Jakupovic in an AWAY game (I know one, so these weirdos do exist) must have slithered off your couch in resignation as news filtered through of a penalty being awarded to Southampton. That precocious gamble of yours was now slipping through your fingers like Joe Hart attempting to catch a cross in Italy…that marvellous 6 pointer was about to become just 2 points…and yet…

12 FREAKING POINTS! That’s how much that penalty save by Jakupovic was worth. 2 points became 11 points, which then had 3 bonus points added to it. Lo and behold, a mammoth 14 point haul for the big man from *googles Jakupovic* Bosnia! No, sorry, Switzerland! No, hang on, it’s both!

Jakupovic
YES! I don’t even have enough fingers to count my score this week! 

I’ve heard many moan that the quality of fare on offer on Match Of The Day on Saturday night was abysmal, but those moaners are simply fair-weather fans who don’t get the essence of this beautiful game. Sure, we can all marvel at the beauty of an Emre Can running, overhead, scissor kick, bicycle kick THUNDERB*STARD, but that’s only half the beauty of this wonderful game of ours.

Emre Can Watford
‘FOOTBALL MAN: Indeed’

To real football fans, clean sheets are our nirvana. When I saw that 7 teams from the lower reaches of the Premier League had kept clean sheets, I began to tremble with excitement. All those beautiful clean sheet points at bargain-basement prices…I was stammering more than Theresa May at a food bank full of nurses.

The list of high-scoring bargain defenders is a thing of beauty: Fonte, Francis, Smith, Keane, Stephens. You can keep your overpriced and overrated Kyle Walkers and David Luizeseses, these men are the real heroes of the game. Except…

The exception that proves the rule is Gary Cahill, a man that looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, sensible haircut and a lovely young boy, but he plays for Chelsea, so y’know… Anyway, a 6th (S.I.X.T.H.) league goal of the season for the man who wears Paul Warhurst pyjamas to bed, and the only Chelsea defender churning out points these past few weeks.

Gary Cahill

Sergio Aguero has been on the radar of many a Triple-Captain-Chip-Holding Fantasy Football Manager with a lip-smacking, dribble-inducing double GW 37 on the horizon, featuring home games v West Brom (who have been on the beach so long that David Hasselfhoff is jealous) and Leicester City (who don’t give two Fuchs). He duly warmed up for what will undoubtedly be a record-breaking GW 37 performance with a fine haul of 12 points…before limping off injured. WHAT THE ACTUAL F….but hang on! Jesus Saves All! And at a fraction of the price! At least that’s what I’ll be praying for. To Jesus. For Jesus. It’s enough to give the Pope a headache.

Pope Francis

This brings us nicely onto those who are currently sat on the ‘Naughty Step’ for being very bold boys. Isn’t that right the Crystal Palace back four? Eh? It’s all well and good winning at Stamford Bridge and Anfield while walloping Arsenal in between, but Burnley at home…yes, THAT Burnley at home…the Burnley without an away win all season, at home. FFS lads, you’ll be on the naughty step all summer at this rate.

Many thought that Romelu Lukaku would make a ‘statement’ on Sunday as he lined out against his soon to be new teammates. Romelu has been on fire at Goodison Park in recent months, rattling up double-digits quicker and more frequently than Rachel Riley. Alas, the only ‘statement’ he put out on Sunday was a ‘For Sale. £40,000,000 To A Good Home. I Love You Mr Conté’ sign which he carried around the pitch for the full 90 minutes. Very disappointing indeed.

Finally, we come to Arsenal. Now I need to tread carefully here as my employer (HAH!) is an Arsenal fan, but I’ll be brave enough to state that what they’ve done to Alexis Sanchez is bordering on a human rights violation. He’d almost certainly prefer a 6 month stretch in Gitmo followed by a nice spot of waterboarding than reporting to training with this shower of sh*t every day, and he’s playing that way too. The timing is perfect too. While many teams are down to their last three games of the season, Arsenal still have something like 12 games to play (or thereabouts) with double GW’s every week between now and Christmas (or so it seems). Of course Arsene bloody Wenger has only gone and ruined the best attacking midfielder in Fantasy Football for a generation. He’s made me agree with Piers sodding Morgan, and for that I can never forgive him. Or myself.

@FantasyYIRMA GW 34 Review

Spring
Awwww….

Spring.

A time for renewal and revival throughout our world.

Animals emerge from hibernation or return to our shores after spending the winter down south (although Brexit will make re-entry impossible from Spring 2019).

Trees begin to, err, grow their leaves and stuff. Flowers bloom. Trump turns slightly more orange.

The world of Fantasy Football is not immune to renewal and revival as demonstrated by the list of ‘Heroes’ in this godforsaken strung-out-longer-than-this-really-strung-out-stupidly-long-word double GW 33.

However in nature, not everything that re-emerges in Spring is cute and fluffy and makes you say ‘Awwww’. You have Great White Sharks for example, and the Star Nose Mole, an animal so scary that even Stephen King thought ‘f*ck that’ when contemplating including him in one of his stories. You also have that utter b*stard Diego Costa, who had been dumped by thousands heading into this week, only to suddenly renew his interest in a lucrative move to China and bag himself 16 points.

Star Nose Mole
AAAHHHH…it’s Diego!

Anthony Martial is a simple man who’s simplicity had befuddled the managerial genius of Louis Van Gaal, but not José. José knows. It’s not about ‘psychology’ with Martial. It’s not about ‘building confidence’ or ‘giving him autonomy’. It’s simply a case of telling him exactly what he has to do….or else. His goal away to Burnley was a bolt from the blue as he sprinted clear of Joey Barton (who was 33/1 in-play to make the tackle) to poke home the opener. Ét voila! 14 points and Martin Tyler proclaiming in his shrill sex voice that he has ‘come back to form’, unlike Martin who just ‘cums’ whenever ‘MARTIAAAALLLLL’ does a goal.

David De Gea threw in two clean sheets just as Real Madrid were linked to another move for his services. Funny that, eh? Rumours that sales of brand new fax machines in the Greater Manchester area have grown 470% in the past week can be neither confirmed nor denied.

There was even 11 points for Brad Guzan. Yes, THAT Brad Guzan. A man last seen picking the ball out of his own net so often that he came 7th in the GQ Rear Of The Year poll.

Anyway, I’m currently wearing a tinfoil hat as recent events have led me to believe that ‘Evolution’ and ‘Creationism’ are all a load of horsesh*te, and that we are in fact living in ‘The Matrix’ (although I’m yet to find that lady in the red dress…). Y’see I was having a ‘Mexican Theme Party’ on Wednesday night and had served up my world famous Nachos to my guests. As usual they went down a storm with my mate Brian declaring “those Nachos are unreal!”. Within 15 seconds Nacho Monreal blootered a shot miles wide in desperation only to see it smash off Robert Huth and into the net for the winner for Arsenal. Unreal Nachos indeed. FFS.

Nachos
‘To Donald!’

Finally in our ‘heroes’ section (and it pains me to type that) we have Christian Benteke who returned to Anfield to stick two fingers up at Liverpool Football Club and win an impromptu game of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ with Mamadou Sakho. Of course this was in no way intended to be a dig at Jurgen Klopp by two players chucked out on their arses by the hirsuite German. Oh no sirree bob. I mean, who doesn’t like a game of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ after scoring a goal at Anfield. As for the symbolism of ‘Scissors’ cutting ‘Paper’, that has nothing to do with ‘Contracts being cut up’. Nope. Not having it.

In fact it was this game which has led me to now bet on every ex-player playing against his old club. Due to the quantity of transfers these days, it involves an outlay of approximately €2,500 per week, but I’m confident that Paddy Power will be weeping into his chardonnay in a few weeks. Watch this space.

As for ‘Villains’ of the week, look no further than Gaston ‘The Ladybird’ Ramirez (only readers with young kids will get that nickname) who managed to get himself sent off at Bournemouth within the first half an hour of what promised to be a lucrative double GW for those of us desperate for a real ‘differential’. The flute.

Gaston The Ladybird

Oumar Niasse did something similar and broke the hearts of quite a few players who were banking on Hull’s impressive home form to continue. Mind you, if you have picked Oumar Niasse for your fantasy football team, you need to reevaluate your life. Trust me on this.

Our final villain is our old friend Phil ‘Jags’ Jagielka who blew his chance to emulate the legendary Paul Warhurst and drew a blank in front of goal at West Ham. Gareth Southgate has now been forced to consider actual strikers for the next round of international matches. Coincidentally Wayne Rooney has been spotted at the Everton training ground this week with a big box of chocolates and a ‘Thank You’ card. I can’t imagine what that’s all about.