FantasyYIRMA GW 27 Review: How May We ‘Assist’ You?

Gameweek 27 will be remembered in FPL seasons to come as the week when most mini-leagues swung decisively, one way or t’other. While the average score for the week was 61 points (2nd highest this season behind the 62 point average in GW 20, stat fans!), there are many, many FPL Players who flirted with, reached or even smashed the 100 point barrier this week. It’s not hard to spot them, even if they’re not in your league or you don’t know them personally. They’re currently strutting around, tops off, tweaking their nipples (male and female players) with a grin as wide as the Thames, asking all in earshot “How was YOUR GW 27?”. I’m delighted for them, I really am. The smug B*STARDS.

Of course the majority of them have a certain Argentinian pocket rocket to thank for their chafed nipples as Sergio Aguero did what Sergio Aguero tends to do at least once a season – score more than three goals in a game. His 21 point haul leads the way this week. If you’re like me and have Aguero but didn’t put the armband on him, I understand what you’re feeling right now, I really do. After all, just 3 in 10 players have him in their squad. He’s actually a hell of a differential, especially when he scores 4 goals. I mean, Salah has over 1 in 2 owning him. It’s obvious in hindsight, right? RIGHT?

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH……………

On Monday night Eden Hazard decided that he wouldn’t mind if Antonio Conte hung around for a little while longer, so he turned it on against West Brom to bag himself two goals and 16 points. We can only speculate as to what prompted this sudden motivation from the temperamental Belgian, but I did note with interest that Alan ‘Chunky’ Pardew turned up at Stamford Bridge with the West Brom squad, his agent, his CV and some breath mints. The prospect of being managed by Pardew would be enough to motivate anyone into keeping their current manager in employment.

Regular readers will know that this is now the third GW review in which our old friend Steve Mounie has featured. He was one of the stars of GW 1, then disappeared off the radar until GW 16 when he once again reminded us all of his existence. In fact in my GW 16 review, I predicted that he wouldn’t be heard of again for quite a few weeks…

Just out by 4 Gameweeks…so close and yet so far – like most of his shots. Sorry! Cheap shot – like most of his shots. Ooops, I did it again! Unlike Steve, who barely does it at all. I’ll stop now.

The next names on the weekly heroes list are Salah and De Bruyne, both with 13 points, but I don’t need to go on about them – they’re the best two players in the league by a street, and you should really own at least one of them (although De Bruyne is over-priced on a pound per point basis y’know. Just saying…).

Victor Moses is an interesting character, isn’t he? I mean, if you said to me five years ago that he’d be playing in defence for one of the most defensively tactically astute Italian managers in the game, I’d have had you arrested for heresy. Yet here he is, categorised as a defender and churning out a few double-digit scores thanks to 2 goals, 3 assists and 9 clean sheets this season. Yet he also churns out more than his fair share of 0’s, 1’s and 2’s in among the highlights. He also costs £6.4m. Quite how his 1.9% of owners have worked out how to balance these facts is beyond me, but they were rewarded this week.

Alex Pritchard is a new arrival in the Premier League with Huddersfield Town, arriving from Carrow Road last month. He has certainly made an impact with a goal, an assist and 12 points against Bournemouth, which was a huge boost for…well, nobody. Yep, 12 points are left floating away on the winds of change, as Pritchard has a grand total of 0.0% ownership in this FPL game of ours. FOR F*CK SAKE…

Finally a quick word about ‘Assists’, how utterly random they are, yet how incredibly important they are as they determine the fortunes of each and every one of us in this game. This weekend was a prime example. Roberto ‘Bobby’ Firmino provided arguably the assist of the season with his 45-degree lofted backheel assist for Mo Salah – an assist of such dazzling beauty that you’ll go blind if you stare directly at it. For this display of utter genius, Roberto Firmino was awarded the same amount of points as Aaron Creswell of West Ham, credited with an assist for Arnautovic thanks to…well…having the ball BLOOTERED against his shins by a defender. Yep, the ricochet off a Cresswell shin leads to a goal so both Cresswell and Firmino get the same reward. Similarly Kyle Naughton played a pass infield to Jordan Ayew who waved a toe at the ball, missed by an inch, and then Ki Sung-Yeung latched onto it to score. An utterly random moment of good fortune, but with the exact same reward. FPL, eh?

As for our Villains Of The Week, we have five likely lads to scrutinise. Simon Francis and Steve Cook both conceded four while getting booked at Huddersfield, which should actually be a crime rather than a score of -1, but I’ve not been elected to power…yet. Harry Maguire similarly endured a rough night at The Etihad in conceding five and picking up a booking for his score of -1, but hey, that’s happened to many players this season.

The two biggest villains however are Danny Simpson and Charlie Adam. Simpson (while taking a break from his ‘not very hilarious social media spat’ with Jamie Carragher), was introduced as a half-time substitute for Leicester City at The Etihad with the game finely poised at 1-1, and trudged off 45 minutes later after watching Sergio Aguero score 4 times, pee in his shoes and sleep with his wife, all of which earned him -1 points. Charlie Adam however plumbed new depths this week following his unfortunate last-minute, season-defining penalty miss, followed up by his ‘tectonic plates move faster’ follow up for the rebound, which he was beaten to by a Brighton defender who started his run from, well, Brighton, before clearing it off Charlie’s toe. There are some mundane ways of achieving a negative points tally in any given Gameweek, but as ever Charlie Adam always goes for the spectacular, and this time he succeeded.

FantasyYIRMA GW 26 Review: Always Bet On Red

The low-level murmur in the FPL community surrounding the build up to GW 26 was all about one man; one man who would make a triumphant return at The Emirates on Saturday night, when Arsenal faced Everton, to show everyone what he’s capable of. He would strut into the cold North London air once again and dazzle us all with his outrageous skill and eye for goal, hold his arms aloft and accept the acclaim of the crowd who perhaps didn’t quite appreciate what they had before it was gone.

And so it came to pass…Aaron Ramsey started just his second match in the last ten, bludgeoned the Toffees with a scintillating hat-trick and landed an incredible 20 point haul in just 74 minutes of action.

What? Theo Who? Walcott? Don’t be daft. I told you last week that I’ve seen the Walcott Bandwagon Express depart countless times before, and it always disappoints. If you don’t listen to Uncle Niall, then there’s not much more I can do for you.

Speaking of listening to Uncle Niall, I have a certain mantra that I’ve been spreading throughout the FPL world for a few months now. It’s quite catchy, easy to remember and contains only two words: CAPTAIN SALAH. Now I admit that I don’t always listen to myself as often as I should, but that’s not going to stop me from patting myself on the back. Let’s face it, I’m getting to an age where patting myself on the back is quite an achievement so I’ll do so for as long as I can. Another scintillating two goal and three BP display at Anfield for the King Of Egypt and a 15 point haul – a sensational reward for those who backed the bubble-permed bearded wonder when you compare his returns in GW 26 to those of the other big-hitters *cough* Kane *cough* Aguero *cough*

While Mr. Ramsay may have been stealing the limelight this weekend (and no, I’m not speaking about the chef, although his starring role in the Amazon Alexa Superbowl ad is worth a gander), he was aided and abetted by a player who is enjoying his life as a free man following an unfortunate incarceration at H.M. Old Trafford Prison, where joyous skill, impudence (no, Mrs. Mkhitaryan is very happy by all accounts) and creativity are snarked out of you on a daily basis. Henrikh Mkhitaryan is glad to be out of the clutches of Prison Warden Mourinho, and showed his glee by providing not one, not two, but THREE assists on Saturday night, for a 13 point haul.

Joining Mkhitaryan on 13 points this week is a former favourite of bargain-hunting FPL players this season, Pascal Groß. I’m not saying that his goal, assist and 3 BP’s for the Seagulls was inspiring to others, but just 24 hours later the Philadelphia Eagles won something called the Superb Owl for the first time. Birds of a feather flock together. Fly Seagulls Fly!

The ‘Gerard Deulofeu Wheel Of Fortune’ landed on Watford last week. You may not have heard of this game show, but it’s huge in Paraguay. Every 6 months they spin a wheel with every club in Europe on it, and wherever it lands Deulofeu must turn up and initially impress before ultimately stinking the place out. So far he’s been at Barcelona, Everton, Sevilla, Everton, Milan, Barcelona and Watford. Let me just remind you that he’s 23 years old. The man has more stamps on his passport than Phileas Fogg. But as with Mr. Walcott, heed my advice and don’t jump on this bandwagon. He’s nowt more than a Spanish Aiden McGeady.

James Ward-Prowse is a player in red-hot form with 3 goals and 2 assists in his last four games, and has always struck me as being ‘nearly the next big thing’. I mean, he’s clearly got an eye for goal, delivers a cracking set-piece ball and has lovely hair. In many ways he reminds me of a young David Beckham. If I were his agent, and I wanted him to get his big money move, I wouldn’t bother touting him to big clubs. All he needs to really hit the big time is to marry one of Little Mix. Et Voila! He’s the 21st Century David Beckham. He’d be at Liverpool before you could say Virgil Van Dijk (yes, I know he’ll probably end up there anyway…).

Finally hat-tips to a plethora of players who hit 10 points this week, but aren’t good enough to get my full attention, and read like a who’s-who of FPL benchwarmers or cheap alternatives: Gudmundsson, Milivojevic, Lossl, Danilo, Lemina, Fernandez and Doucoure. If you had 2 or more of those in your first XI last week, well-played. Well played indeed.

Our Villain Of The Week section contains two players who dipped into negative point territory, and two players who didn’t, but deserve a flogging anyway. Tiemoue Bakayoko picked up 2 yellow cards in 29 minutes and -2 points for his troubles. Michael Keane of Everton played one half of football at The Emirates, conceded 4 goals, got hooked, and thus ended up with a score of -1 without even getting a yellow card. In fact, that’s probably why he was hooked – how can you concede 4 goals and not kick someone at least once? Soft Toffee.

Harry Kane makes this section despite his 4 points because he missed a penalty against Loris Karius, after diving to win it. I mean if you’re going to torpedo your reputation to win a penalty, you may as well smash it in the net. Finally, Raheem Sterling has to get a mention for ‘that’ miss at Turf Moor. We’ve seen some spectacular misses this season (it feels like we’ve seen more than usual), but this one takes the Kimberley, Mikado AND Coconut Cream. When he was subbed minutes later I’m actually surprised that Pep didn’t stride onto the pitch and grab him by the scruff of the neck to haul him off. Still, it’s not the first time in recent history that Sterling has stumbled, and it won’t be the last either. Happy Brexit everyone!

 

FantasyYIRMA GW 25 Review: Popping Cherries…

This game mocks us all.

It sits there behind its firewall, snuggled up in its server, thumbing its nose at all of us who pour over form and fixtures, slaving away to ‘crack the code’ and ensure maximum points in each and every Gameweek. It cackles maniacally as millions transfer in Mahrez, knowing full well that the Algerian temper-tantrum has chucked all his toys out of his pram and gone for a ginormous sulk. It smirks knowingly as millions of eyes light up when they see that Aguero is at home to West Brom and the ‘Captain’ button is clicked fervently in the hours before the deadline.

Y’see, this game knows all. It knows that 99% of us were backing Aguero or Firmino or Kane, and This Game knows that 99% of us are short-sighted eejits. It knows that of the 15 players to hit double-figures this week, only one would be a striker, and his name is Callum Wilson. Evil I tells ya. Pure, undiluted evil.

Not content with trolling us with a Callum Wilson 12 point haul, this game also threw in a 12 point Junior Stanislas and a 14 point Nathan Ake. Oh, did I mention that they were away at Chelsea? That’s right. Bournemouth, away at Chelsea, smashing them, rampaging through Stamford Bridge slaying Antonio Conte’s boys as their ‘Milkybar Kid’ manager smiles sweetly on the touchline, like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. The saccharine assassin.

This game then decides that the joint top-scoring player of GW 25 should be a man called Sam Clucas. As one wag put it on Twitter on Tuesday night; ‘Siri, what’s a Clucas?’. Indeed. 15 points at home to Arsenal for a player so nondescript that Match Attax printed 85% more Sam Clucas cards this season than Eden Hazard cards. Seriously, go find a young person who collects Match Attax and ask them how many Sam Clucas swaps they have. You probably won’t get an answer though as the very mention of his name will have them whimpering in a corner. He’s ginger too y’know.

The other joint top-scoring player in GW 25 is perhaps the biggest troll of all that this game could have inflicted upon us. Yes, Theo James Walcott is back. 15 points and just watch as the lemmings of FPL jump on the Walcott Express in their droves. This game knows that will happen, because it knows people have the memory span of a common Donald Trump. I’ve been a ‘Walcott Wally’ too many times in the past to fall for it again. Nope, not this time. Not happening.

What? Only £7.2m? *sweats profusely*

While the usual suspects such as Sterling and De Bruyne were racking up points at The Etihad, I can’t have been the only FPL player with Aguero as Captain that turned the air blue (sky blue, obviously) upon hearing that Fernandinho had opened the scoring. Fer.Nan.Din.Ho. This game…

If you had a Burnley goalkeeper and a Newcastle defender you would have been praying for a goalless snooze-fest at St. James’ Park, and while goals went in at both ends, many prayers were answered. A penalty save from Pope and a Lascelles goal ensured that particular double-act returned 21 points. What this game takes, it sometimes gives back…

This game has made it easy for us to pinpoint where the points are coming from when Liverpool are playing. You get in Salah and/or Firmino, you avoid their defenders, and you reap the rewards. So far, so very, very simple. Yet this game just loves to stir things up and hence you have 14 points for Emre Can at Huddersfield. We shouldn’t have been surprised though. The immaculately coiffed German is playing for a new contract…In Italy.

If you’re one who likes a gamble, likes to roll the dice, likes to mix things up, then this game would have rewarded you handsomely – if you decided that Orestis Karnezis was the gamble for you. What do you mean ‘Who is Orestis Karnezis’? The Watford stopper, in just his second appearance, keeps a clean sheet, gets 3 BP’s and 10 points. Mr. Javi Gracia (no, that’s really his name, it’s not a misprint I promise) is known for ensuring his teams are hard to break down, so you might want to watch that Hornet shaped defensive space…

The final player of merit that this game decided should get some of the spotlight is Mark Noble, who scored his second goal in three games and has now racked up 5 BP’s in that time. Is he about to explode into form? No, he’s not. He’s so harmless he can’t even light his own farts. We all know that Noble gases are non-flammable. They’re also supposed to be odourless, but Mrs. Noble has debunked this scientific theory after he’s had a vindaloo.

So we move onto a very short ‘Villain Of The Week’ section, and let’s all have a long, hard stare at Phil Jones, who racked up a stunning -2 total in GW 25 thanks to a cracking finish into his own net, a yellow card for hacking down Harry Kane, and a special extra -1 point for excessive gurning and sweating. A fine nights work for a player who has accumulated a staggering 16 BP’s this season. That high-wire act was always likely to come crashing down at some stage, and he managed it on the greatest stage of all, Wembley. Now THAT’s a curse.

This game…