FantasyYIRMA GW32 Review:

There’s one life lesson that we should all pay heed to: If an Austrian man nicknamed ‘Arnie’ has a grudge against you, then be afraid…be very afraid. He could be a cyborg from the future looking to destroy/save the past/future (I’ll be honest, I was young watching the Terminator movies and I’m a bit hazy on the details).

It could also be a West Ham United player with bundles of talent but who sometimes lacks motivation…until he sees Mark ‘Sparky’ Hughes in the opposite dugout and decides that he has a point to prove. On Saturday Marko ‘Arnie’ Arnautovic terminated the last remaining shred of managerial credibility Mark Hughes possessed as he plundered 2 goals and 3 BPS against a sorry Saints side to keep the Hammers faithful happy (or at least quelled their urge to rampage…for a week at least).

So in summary, don’t annoy an Austrian named Arnie! Or any Austrian with a first name beginning with ‘A’, come to think of it…..

Before we move on from the London Stadium, we should also acknowledge the other two Hammers who bagged double-digit scores – Yes, THREE West Ham players scored double-digit scores! Who said rioting locals can’t motivate the players, eh? Arthur Masuaku will have been spitting chips at his recent 6-game ban (well, he was spitting something to get the ban in the first place), but he returned to register his fourth clean sheet and third assist as he cleared his throat loudly…to remind everyone he was back. Finally the favourite player of Nintendo’s iconic Italian plumber also racked up 10 points thanks to a goal and 2 BPS. Next time Super Mario finishes a level, just listen as he raises his fist in celebration and proclaims ‘Joao! Mario!’ at you…

Kasper Schmeichel is a player that I just can’t warm to I’m afraid. It’s nothing to do with him per se, it’s more to do with the fact that he reminds me of how old I’m getting. I can’t handle watching the sons of Premier League stars of my youth strut their stuff. Christ on a bike, I’m still waiting for his Dad to make a comeback for one last hurrah. Surely he wouldn’t do any worse than Wayne Hennessey, right? I remember watching Sky Sports in my teens and seeing a young Kasper playing ball in the Old Trafford tunnel with Tom Ince. They were about 7 years of age. At this rate I’m half expecting to see the grandson of John Barnes roaring down the wing for Liverpool as I unwrap one more Werther’s Original to gum on before I sip my cocoa and shuffle off this mortal coil. Anyway, I digress. Kasper saved a penalty against Brighton to preserve a clean sheet (something that’s harder to do as you get older I find…I’ve said too much) and grab 15 points for himself. Jaysus, his father must have been getting a million points a season in his prime, eh?

Spurs are having another outstanding season and over the last couple of games have decided to show Daniel Levy that he should take £120,000,000 for Harry Kane this summer as they clearly don’t need him. No, really. Three goals at Stamford Bridge, with two of them scored by the man they’re going to name part of their new stadium after. Forget ‘The Harry Kane Kiosk’, or the ‘Jan Vertonghen Veranda’. When the fans go for their refreshments in the new White Hart Lane, they’ll queue up for lukewarm Bovril and soggy pies in the Deli Alley. Honestly, if that doesn’t happen then Spurs should be disbanded as a club. The real Dele Alli scored a worldie followed by a scramble to ratchet up 15 points for the 11.9% of FPL players who kept the faith with him.

Speaking of ownership percentages and keeping the faith, just 2.9% of players own Alexis Sanchez. TWO POINT NINE PERCENT. Oh how the mighty have fallen, but with a price tag of £11.5m and a points return of 129 for the season, you can see why. In fact, while he scored 14 points with a goal, an assist and 3 BPS I still judge those stubborn enough to keep hold of him. You can spot these people in real life easily enough. They’re the ones at the penny drop machines in the arcades who plough £25.78 into the machine because there’s a bunch of pennies worth £0.58 ready to drop, and then celebrate when it finally happens. They also voted for Brexit and are most likely serving in Government right now. Oooh, that’s a good Freedom of Information request! Let’s see the FPL teams of the Tory Government! Bet that’ll be an eye-opener…

Our next weekly star is a player who I personally brought in and immediately handed the armband. Now I’m not bragging because I even tried to help everyone who follows me on Twitter. I put out a cryptic clue on Friday about this player, and those of you clever enough to have worked it out will have immediately bought him and reaped the rewards. Here’s the clue (and a reason why you should immediately follow me on Twitter):

Now let me break it down for you: Golden (Au) Ethnic Minority (BAME) Half Of A Chinese Philosophy (Yang); Au-BAME-Yang. Ta-da! (More) proof that I’m weird, and proud of it. Two goals and 3 BPS a handsome reward for all of you who followed my lead (for the record, nobody officially ‘got it’ on my timeline).

Final mentions for David Silva who is making a late run to make any coronation of Kevin de Bruyne as POTY look foolish, and Ben Chilwell who was once on the radar of Liverpool and could have been ‘Andy Robertson’. 11 points for each.

Nobody in negative points territory this week, which doesn’t make for a lengthy Villains of the Week section, but never fear because as my mother says…’There’s always one’. Step forward Mr. Glenn Murray, who missed a crucial penalty at home to Leicester City to drain his points total quicker than the bank account of a Bitcoin investor. Is there anything worse than a seagull ruining your weekend? When one sh*ts on you, it is NOT good luck, no matter what those ‘old wives’ say.

FantasyYIRMA GW 31 Review: All Hail The Egyptian King…

With just four matches taking place in GW31, the word ‘strategy’ was used frequently among the FPL community this week. Some had been planning for this for weeks, strategically bringing in crap players, sorry, players from teams such as Crystal Palace, Bournemouth and Huddersfield with this week in mind. Others were reaching for their ‘Free Hit’ chip and loading up on 12 crap players (Damn! Sorry!), players from ‘non-fashionable’ clubs to add to their three Liverpool sure-fire bankers. Yes, that says bankers. Some even chose the strategy of ‘doing nowt’, hoping that a team consisting of less than a handful of players might avoid a massive red arrow of doom.

Ironically none of the above strategies mattered…as long as you captained Salah. Don’t say this column didn’t warn you!

The debate surrounding the ‘Footballer Of The Year’ award is going to come to a head in the coming weeks as the ‘De Bruyne / Salah’ debate rages on, where one party is going to be aggrieved no matter what the result. However in FPL world, the results are already in. All hail Mo Salah! Y’see in FPL it’s not about cups won, it’s about points won, and he’s now 83 points ahead of KDB this season. Yes the Belgian has a game in hand put he’d want to be putting in some shift to make up 83 points…

Against Watford we finally saw Mo Salah doing what he’s been threatening to do for quite a while – he tore an opponent a new one. 4 goals. An assist. 3 bps. TWENTY NINE POINTS (In the style of the old BBC Videprinter – ask yer Da).

The remaining stand-out players in GW31 all had ownership under 10% (which is becoming standard in this bloody game at this stage). James Tomkins scored over 20% of his full seasons points with a goal, clean sheet and 3 bps to break Huddersfield hearts and give Crystal Palace a chance of staying up this season. The b*stard (Sorry, not sorry). Cenk Tosun has responded to Sam Allardyce calling him ‘rubbish’ by being not rubbish and grabbing two goals at Stoke. I’m not saying he damaged Stoke irreparably, but he did a damn fine impression of a bull in a pottery shop to smash their hopes of staying up.

Andrew Robertson was purchased from Hull City for £8m last summer by Liverpool. Liverpool then sold Kevin Stewart to Hull City for £8m in return. THAT, Mr. Trump, is what you call ‘The Art Of The Deal’. In fact I’m ashamed to call it a ‘deal’. It’s blind robbery. A long-con of epic proportions. It would make Cambridge Analytica blush. Robertson’s cross for Mo Salah’s second was so beautiful that it can blind you by looking directly at it. I know of men who have left their wives and children to run off with that cross. It helped Mr. Robertson to 11 points. Swoon.

Jordon Ibe was also sold by Liverpool in the not too distant past and for the majority of the time since, it looked like Liverpool had once more gotten the best part of that deal. However Jordon grabbed his second goal of the season to go with his six assists to grab 10 points against the not so ‘boinging’ Baggies. With form like that Herr Klopp must be crying salty tears into his coffee when he considers he could have kept Ibe and not bought Salah….ahahahahahahahaahaaaa!!!!

Junior Stanislas has shown real form in recent weeks and another 10 point haul will have really pleased his Dad, Stanislas Stanislas. At least I think that’s what his Dad must be called, right? You get called Junior when you have the same name as your Dad? Maybe he’s called Senior Stanislas? Imagine if they brought that custom into Scandinavian culture, where I believe that your surname is derived from your fathers name. Henrik Larsson’s dad was called Lars. Anders Svensson’s dad was called Sven. Bring in the ‘Junior’ custom and in three generations you’d have everyone in Scandinavia and Iceland called Juniorsson. It would be a nightmare for football commentators in the 2042 World Cup.

Finally we have Luka MiliVanilli Millvilleneuve Milivojevic of Crystal Palace, a man who has 106 points for the season because he turns up and scores penalties. No really, that’s all he does. Assists? Pah! Luka laughs at the mere thought. He’s there for the penalties and nothing else interests him. He scored his 8th of the season out of 9 attempts. The one he missed? Oh, it just would have beaten Manchester City. No big deal….

So we come onto our GW 31 Hall Of Shame, and this week we have one ‘winner’. This is a man who has had an unbelievably sh*tty start to 2018. To begin with, he plays for Stoke. He started the year with Mark Hughes as his manager. He then had Paul Lambert take over. That’s bad right? Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. He sits on the bench or out of the squad most weeks, but when he does get his chance he has a public row with his teammates over who should take a crucial late penalty to defeat a relegation rival, misses the penalty, moves slower than tectonic plates to the rebound and costs his team a win. He then sits on his arse for a few more weeks, and gets ONE LAST CHANCE when he starts in another huge relegation battle against an Everton team who enjoy playing away as much as Theresa May enjoys EU Summits. After 29 minutes, with his team in the ascendancy he goes in studs up on Wayne Rooney to earn a straight red card. His team go on to lose another crucial game. Then, to round off his utter humiliation NASA find the ball that he blootered over the bar in the 2012 League Cup Final penalty shoot-out against Cardiff City. It’s on Mars. No, really, it is.

Charlie Adam ladies and gentlemen. And you thought YOU had a hard weekend?

@FantasyYIRMA GW 30 Preview: Peroni on Draft…

Hi! I’m @NiallHawthorne, and you  might remember me from such @FantasyYIRMA blogs as all the Gameweek Reviews this season and the now legendary (in my mind) Gameweek 12 Preview, where I tipped Alberto Moreno (6 Points), Xherdan Shaqiri (5 Points), Alvaro Morata (9 Points), Mo Salah (16 Points) and Callum Wilson (17 Points). How’d you like them onions, eh? So, y’know, you can heed the advice I’m about to convey…or not. Just don’t come crying to me Monday night (that applies if my tips are fantastic and you ignored them, or appalling and you followed them). Caveat Emptor! (No, he doesn’t play for Lazio, for F*CK sake…)

Defender: Jamaal Lascelles, Newcastle

If it’s not broken, don’t fix it. That’s some sage advice for you right there, and 18 GW’s ago I told you all to back a defender that was facing Southampton. Guess what? Yep! Rafa Benitez is preparing his troops to face Southampton, and his young padwan in the opposite dugout, Mauricio Pellegrino. These two have history; Pellegrino played for Benitez at Liverpool, then joined him as a young coach following his retirement. Rafa has remained ‘Rafa’ in the intervening years – he could likely coach the worst U-15 team in your area to beat West Brom on any given day – and his penchant for defensive strategy should see him in his element this weekend, as the Geordie defence face the worst attack in living memory. Jamaal Lascelles is the main man at St. James’ Park these days, and he’s nailed on for a clean sheet, while he also provides plenty of threat at set-pieces with three goals already this season.

Midfielder: Michail Antonio, West Ham

Yes, I know that the Hammers are muck, but you don’t want to play it safe all your life, do you? Come on, take a chance, roll the dice, spin the roulette wheel of life! While this choice is admittedly a risk due to The Moyesiah being an idiot of biblical proportions, Antonio’s recent form should guarantee him a start against Burnley at The London Stadium. A 6 point return in each of his last three GW’s, despite only starting one of those games, is impressive. Allied to this surge of form is the fact that Burnley hit 40 points with their victory last weekend, so they’re safe. Now I can’t tell you how I know this, but a credible source has told me that the Burnley squad have already hit the beach, mentally and physically. They’ve packed it in. Job done. So much so that the away kit they’re wearing against West Ham features Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and flip-flops. You know what? They’re dead right too.

Forward: Jamie Vardy, Leicester City

He’s playing West Brom. West Bromwich Albion. The Baggies. They play at The Hawthorns and they’re so bad that even if it was my back garden, I wouldn’t open the curtains to watch. They’ve conceded 13 goals in their last 6 games, against attacking juggernauts like Southampton (chortle), Everton (guffaw), Huddersfield (snigger) and Watford (ROFL). The players don’t care anymore, and why would they when they’ve got Alan Pardew as manager, a man with as much charm, empathy, talent and self-awareness as Donald Trump? There ain’t no party like a Vardy party, and Jamie is going to be smashing into the Blue WKD on Saturday night celebrating a hat-trick.

Captain: Eden Hazard, Chelsea

Did you see the state of Hazard at The Etihad last week? Man dear, he was trudging around that pitch like a young teenager who just got caught watching porn before being thrown out onto the street to play football with his friends. I’m not saying he was moody, but the actual Moody’s ratings agency downgraded Antonio Conte’s stock from A- to Junk Bond status. Now THAT is moody. However the upside is that he has pent up frustration inside him, bubbling up like a Belgian beer, ready to froth over against a hapless opponent who just don’t have the testicular fortitude to withstand such an explosion. Oh hello Crystal Palace! How nice to see you! Palace have the backbone of jellyfish, as demonstrated in their last two outings against Spurs and United and Hazard is going to take it out on them. He’s going to destroy them.

Oh, but always Captain Salah. I had to say that.

Outsider: Jose Heriberto Izquierdo Mena, Brigton & Hove Albion

This midfield dynamo has risen to prominence in the last few weeks as Brighton have picked up 11 points from their last 5 games, with the Columbian bagging two goals and an assist in that run. He’s got pace, an eye for goal and a effervescence that makes me feel warm inside. He’s also playing Everton who are going to get relegated. You heard it here first.

Draft: Peroni. A beautiful pint on draft. Yes indeed. 

Liverpool 2-0 Spurs: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Before I begin, a quick update. I haven’t posted a blog for a few games now because, as I told those of you who were kind enough to ask for/demand a blog, I was weighed down with many, many mundane issues that have taken up my time. I can now reveal that was a lie…

Things had to come to a head, enough was enough, so I made a decision…

I went to Liverpool a couple of weeks ago to sort things out once and for all.

I gave Jurgen a call, arranged to have dinner with Philippe and I’ll now begin…

Simon Mignolet:

 

From my seat in the Anfield Road end, it appeared that Simon Mignolet is very small. Of course it’s simply that he was very far away at the Kop end.

In person he’s a very imposing man, a big strong strapping lad who towers over you, almost intimidatingly so…especially when you’re outlining the most witty descriptions of him that I’d heard, like ‘deranged gibbon’, ‘Dracula on prozac’, ‘Belgian beer bottle-squatting twat’ and ‘as useful as a langer in a lesbian orgy’.

Thankfully we saw eye to eye in the end and there were no hard feelings, and I like to think the chat worked. Migs was commanding, dominant, made a few good saves and never really looked threatened.

Before I departed Anfield, I stuck a note in his locker for him to read before any game in the future. It says:

‘You Are Simon Mignolet. Not A Langer’

I just hope I put it in the right locker or somebody could be very confused today.

8/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

I always had Patsy pegged as a straight-laced, formal type of guy, no airs and graces and certainly no sign of rebellion in his personality.

Therefore I was stunned when he arrived for our pre-arranged pep talk dressed like Jazz from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. To top all that he was giving me pure attitude, muttering under his breath with a constant smirk on his mush.

I knew what had to be done, and luckily someone got a picture of what happened next:

I know, I know, the new Main Stand is a bit fancy, right?

In conclusion, let’s just say that Patsy will be less in-Clyned to rip the piss in the future.

ITHANGYEW.

8/10. 

Shut Up Shop Ltd:

 

I smirked as I saw the usual Twitter meltdown when the teams were announced at 4.30pm with the name ‘Lucas Leiva’ at CB. The hysteria was approaching the levels I would expect if Donald Trump was seen riding a nuke headed to North Korea wearing a cowboy hat with ‘Kim Jung Un can kiss my orange ass’ on his t-shirt.

Unbeknownst to most, Lucas was actually stood beside me when that shit-storm kicked off, acting as my ‘minder’ while I leveled a few home-truths at the rest of the squad. As a senior squad member he demanded that I be listened to and respected…until it came to his turn that is…

Let’s just say that the reason he had a pop at that Joseph Musker lad on Twitter was because he was a bit upset at the home-truths I delivered to his doorstep:

Mind you, he’s right. Anybody spouting that kind of shite on Twitter needs to be exterminated, immediately. Isn’t that right Donald?

Oh, and before I forget, Harry Kane was released back to Spurs on Sunday afternoon at 2.54pm after Lucas found him in his pocket.

8/10

Joel Matip: 

 

NEWSFLASH:

BILLY JOEL IS NOT JOEL MATIP’S FATHER….

I know. I’m still reeling from the news myself. It’s like the Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker revelation, but in reverse.

Of course it took 98 pages of birth certs, sworn affidavits, a DNA test and a very uncomfortable phone call with Billy Joel himself before I believed it, but I’m satisfied that he’s really not his father…after I learned every lyric Billy wrote too. That’s 9 months of my life I’ll never get back.

In any case, I asked Joel (as I asked all the players) if he wanted me to reveal what I said to him during our ‘chat’, and Joel is the only one who didn’t mind, so here’s what I said to Joel Matip:

Don’t go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore

I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times; I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are

Sorry. Not sorry.

8/10

James Milner: 

 

Have you ever tried to have a meaningful heart to heart with a Yorkshireman?

It’s like trying to get a baboon to recite the Greek alphabet…you don’t get much back.

However I’m a master of motivation, so when my words didn’t cut the mustard, I decided to cut the gravy…

Yes, for every goal conceded by Liverpool for the rest of the season, James Milner will have one less pint of gravy that week. But I’m not a monster, so I included a motivational aspect too…for every goal he scores or assists, he gets an extra pint of gravy that week.

I’m not sure that’s the best idea I’ve ever had though because he fecking dived looking for a penalty within 30 seconds of our deal being agreed. It was 1.30pm last Tuesday…

Still, a clean sheet is a clean sheet, so that’s good, right? Mind you, with two weeks until his next game, he could look like the bloody Michelin man against Leicester City.

7/10

Jordan Henderson: 

 

Captain Henderson is being lavished with praise today as the news emerges of a ‘player-only’ meeting that he called, excluding Jurgen Klopp, where the players all had an open, honest and frank exchange of views, which led to the performance we all saw against Spurs.

I can now confirm that it wasn’t a ‘player-only meeting’…because I was there and it was my bloody idea. Don’t believe all you read in the media folks. Alternative facts my arse.

Anyway, I don’t care who gets the credit, as it worked, and to be fair to Hendo he delivered one of the most passionate, goose-bump-raising, hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck-bristling speeches I’ve ever heard (apart from when I listen back to my own). It was magnificent.

Nobody understood a bloody word, but we all got the gist of it.

Leader.

8/10

 

Adam Lallana: 

 

I find that to get an open and honest conversation going with a player you sometimes have to do what they do, so they feel that you’re ‘one of them’ and can be trusted.

After applying 9 litres of Nivea to myself I now look 10 years younger, my scrotum has no wrinkles whatsoever and I literally slid out of bed last night. Remarkable.

My ploy worked though as Adam and I had a great chat covering lots of topics; from Bouremouth Lap Dancers to taking out Jurgen Klopps bins. Mind you, during our 45 minute chat Adam ran 12 miles around the room. He just can’t stand still. It could be boundless energy…but it could also be a reaction to the Nivea….

Whatever he’s doing, it’s working, especially when he’s got the three amigo’s in front of him.

8/10.

 

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

Go on then…what sweet do you think I brought to my one-on-one meeting with Gini last week…

Yep, you guessed it….a bag of Revels.

No, I’m not being obtuse, there was a point to it. There have been games this season where Gini has been oustanding. The goals at home to Chelsea and City stand out, but he was pretty bloody good away to Arsenal and Chelsea too. However he’s also had a few ‘Coffee Revels’ this season which make you want to explosively eject your tongue from your mouth…

So the basis of my ‘chat’ with Gini was him munching through a bag of Revels and shouting out the games he’s played this season that match with the flavour Revel he happened to get.

I’m not one for predictions, but I seriously doubt we’ll be seeing a ‘Coffee Revel’ performance from Gini ever again.

Oh, and ‘Coffee Revel Vomit’ is as grim as you’d imagine. *shudder*

9/10

 

Roberto Firmino:

 

Since the advent of social media, the world is awash with people who claim to be ‘In The Know’…they know why players are so effective, or why they’re out of form…and to a man (or woman), they’re all full of sh*t.

It wasn’t until I sat down at length with Bobby that I discovered why his form had dipped so drastically. From the outside looking in I thought it was the almost symbiotic relationship with Philippe that he was missing…but I was wrong.

The truth of the matter is that Bobby Firmino has been a major twat and is now embarrassed to be…well, Bobby Firmino. Look, we’ve all done something in our past that we’re not proud of and we’d all rather forget, and Bobby is no different. To add to that he was facing a (deserved) court case where there was always an element of doubt as to what punishment he would be facing, and that’s going to affect you, no matter what walk of life you come from. If you’re a bricklayer and facing a serious court case, you’re not going to be laying as many bricks in the weeks leading up to the case, are you?

Once it became clear what the issue with Bobby was, I was tempted to just leave it alone. The court case was over, his punishment has been delivered and that was that, right?

Heh. Don’t you know me at all?

To cut a long story short, I got Bobby Firmino absolutely trollied – and I use that word for a reason. Basically I got him flutered/balooba’d/banjaxed/wankered/smashed/arseified (select your favourite) on 23 pints of Guinness, strapped him into a shopping trolley and rolled him down Abbey Road while I got 4 lads to walk across the pedestrian crossing as Bobby hurtled towards them. It was to demonstrate that what he did ran the same risks as he now faced.

The poor lad soiled himself, but got the message very, very quickly.

Maybe a weight is now off his shoulders? He was certainly back to form against Spurs…although his shite is still jet black and probably will be for some time.

8/10.

Philippe Coutinho:

Dearest Philippe,

 

Some have accused me of playing favourites as our meeting was over a candle-lit dinner and the rest of my player meetings…weren’t.

However you know you’re special, and I know you’re special and our dinner…was special.

I’ll never reveal this to the other players, but there was a specific reason why our meeting was over a romantic dinner. I wanted you to play footsie with me under the table…using just your left foot. I mean, you never use it for anything else and I’ll try anything to get you using it in a game…

Love you xxx

7/10

Sadio Mane:

My meeting with Sadio was the shortest of the lot.

I can’t divulge too much information of course but suffice to say that Sadio looked me dead in the eye, told me none of this mess was down to him, admitted that he skewed that penalty in the AFCON on purpose after receiving my SOS SMS, and he said he’d sort it.

The man is true to his word. He eviscerated Ben Davies and friends.

Majestic.

9/10

Substitutes:

Emre Can:

 

My meeting with Emre didn’t go according to my plan. I called him ‘Jackie’ one time too many and was spark out after he hit me with a 6″ punch.

Yep, no similarities there at all.

At least he showed the same ruthless efficiency when he came on to see the game out. Job done.

7/10

Ragnar Klavan:

 

What do you do when the Security company you hired to do a job suddenly goes down sick?

You bring on a bouncer. He asked Dele Alli for I.D. and then barred him from the penalty box.

N/A

Trent Alexander-Arnold:

 

You might think that getting thrown on with seconds left so the star player can get a standing ovation is a bit demeaning, but all these players are on appearance bonuses.

Those few seconds could buy TAA 1,890 Happy Meals.

N/A

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

You’re welcome Jurgen, it was my pleasure, and I’m around to do it again if you ever feel the need.

However I think you’re set for the rest of the season now. They’re a great bunch of lads and it was great to get to know them all in person.

As for our meeting, I enjoyed it but I don’t think I’ll have another schnitzel for quite a while. I’m glad you took my advice and are taking the lads off for a few days in the sun. Thanks for the offer to attend with you but my small fella has something on Thursday night that I have to be there for.

Don’t forget the Factor 50!

8/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel)

Liverpool 4-1 Stoke City: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

I know a guy, and that guy is in sales. It’s a tough gig, he’s always under pressure to deliver results. Anyway, a few years ago he secured a contract with the biggest company in the world. It was the first time that the biggest company in the world had required the product he was selling. It was a big deal, and he knew it would lead to lots more big deals in the years to come. He’d hit the mother-load. As the doughnut vendor said to Marge in The Simpsons…’Lady, you’re husband is putting my kids through college’. It was THAT big a deal.

A few months later, as the boss was putting the usual pressure on the sales guy, the sales guy defended himself by pointing out the lucrative contract secured with the biggest company in the world. You know what the boss said?

‘Yeah, but why did we not have that contract for the last three years?’

There’s no pleasing some people…isn’t that right Migs?

He could have saved Walters’ header. It would have been a stunning save, but if you’re looking for reasons as to why/how that goal was scored, you could name about 4 outfield players more at fault than Migs.

Just 10 minutes later and Migs produces a genuinely top class save, denying The Lord Joe Allen (just after his birthday too…), and keeping Liverpool in a game that they went onto win comfortably. Do you think that it would have been a stroll had they found themselves 0-2 behind after 25 minutes? Aye, me neither.

One goal conceded in three games. A crucial save at a crucial time. Yet all I’m seeing is more wailing and gnashing of teeth about ‘Liverpool’s Goalkeeping Situation’ (L.G.S.). Certain club legends (who talk an awful lot) are ‘telling’ Jurgen Klopp to go and get Joe Hart.

Is that the same Joe Hart who had a ‘Mignolet’ before Mignolet had a ‘Mignolet’? The same Joe Hart that was bombed out of the Man City team for being a bit, well, sh*t? The same Joe Hart that was sent to the Coventry of Italy this season, not seen as good enough by the coach of one of our main rivals? THAT Joe Hart?

Nah…not for me Clive. I’m not saying Migs is the answer, but having purchased one of the top rated keepers in Germany during the summer, and bowing to pressure (and common sense) to take him out of the firing line, the last thing Klopp should do now is to muddy the waters further and throw a Joe Hart shaped cat among the Achterberg pigeons.

Having decided to back Migs just three weeks ago, it’s time to keep backing him. He’s done very little wrong…this time around…

7/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

A very wobbly initial 20 minute spell, followed by 70 minutes of rock-solid, decent, professional Christmas fare.

Some people say that Clyne was ‘poor’ at the start of the game, but some people don’t understand Jon Walters. To the untrained eye of the non-Irish football fan, he seems to be a journeyman pro, making the most of his limited abilities to forge a career at the highest level he possibly can. However they’re all wrong.

Jon Walters is Highlander, and as we all know, there can be only one.

Jon Walters is 489 years old, and has been playing professional football since the 1800’s. He’s described as an old-fashioned target man, rough and ready and good for a rumble, and that’s exactly what he is. He’s a throwback to the ‘old days’ because he played in the old days. Tom Finney hated him. Nat Lofthouse called him a ‘cad’. Dixie Dean thought he was the toughest opponent he ever played against. Clive Allen was afraid of him. Elisha Scott once conceded 4 goals to him in one game.

Now ask yourself, if Jon Walters, with ALL that experience, decided to give you a hard time, would you be able to get on top of him in just 20 minutes? Aye, thought so.

Well in Patsy.

7/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

Dejan loves Christmas. It’s his favourite time of the year. Good food, good times and good music making everyone jolly and merry.

His favourite Christmas tune is ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ by Shakin’ Stevens. Dejan has had it on loop in his home and car for the past three weeks, and unfortunately it had a damaging subliminal effect on him last night. Let’s face it, he was ‘Shaky as f*ck’ for the opening half, but Jurgen straightened him out at half time by threatening him with a week of nothing but Cliff Richard ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ if he didn’t buck his ideas up.

Jurgen is a master of psychology. Dejan had no issues in the second half.

7/10

Ragnar Klavan: 

 

How do you tackle a Barbarian?

Some think that Mark Hughes decided to beat the beast with the size of Peter Crouch. It certainly looked like Ragnar was put off by the scale of the Crouch Mountain, but I can exclusively reveal that it had nothing to do with Crouchy and his physical presence.

Y’see Ragnar is only just getting to grips with the celebrity lifestyle of the socialites in the UK. Crouchy knew that so in the first minute he took out this picture of his missus and informed Ragnar that he was married to this lady and she’s a scouser too….

Merry Christmas! 

Now I’ve still not got my head around the fact that Crouchy pulled Abbey Clancy. To say he’s punching above his weight would be like saying…no, I don’t have anything to even come close to matching that…

Ragnar was shocked. Stunned even. His head was gone. He kept looking at Peter’s ‘features’, then thinking about THAT photo, and it just didn’t compute. The poor guy was mentally drowning in confusion.

Thankfully at half time, after Jurgen sorted out Dejan Lovren, he pulled Klavan aside and told him that Abbey Clancy has a soft spot for any Liverpool player who impresses on the field…ét voila, Klavan The Barbarian rose again (in more ways than one…)

7/10

James Milner: 

 

While his defensive buddies were having some issues for the reasons detailed above, James Milner was busy being James Milner. Quietly effective, full of beans and throwing in a cheeky assist to boot.

The left-back slot for Liverpool has been filled by players that have ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous over the years (and in the case of John-Arne Riise, both…), but we’ve got a gem on our hands this season.

He faces his old teammates on New Years Eve, and you wouldn’t be surprised if they decided to test him with the likes of Sterling / De Bruyne / Nolito / Navas having a pop at him.

An extra cup of cocoa on Friday night and James will sleep a contented sleep and dream of emptying his pockets at the stroke of midnight to allow all those attacking City players to celebrate the arrival of 2017 with him.

8/10

Adam Lallana: 

 

 

Adam is a very popular lad in the Liverpool squad. Everybody likes him. I mean, what’s not to like? He always comes across as very polite, well-mannered and the kind of guy you would have no hesitation in bringing home to meet your Mammy, or bringing to your favourite strip club in Bournemouth…

In fact he’s so popular that he even commands an undying respect and loyalty from ex-teammates. His goal yesterday is categorical proof…a pass from Lallana to his old teammate Glen Johnson, who instinctively played a sublime wall pass to Lallana to allow him to smash home from a tight angle.

There aren’t many players in the world who are so nice that opponents will actually provide them with an assist.

What a lovely boy.

8/10

Jordan Henderson:

 

Jordan Henderson has made more passes this season than Donald Trump has made in his entire life towards women.

That’s a staggering statistic, and even more apt since Jordan has faced a number of p*ssies this season (Hi Ross!).

One sublime pass from deep in midfield out wide right that sailed 50 yards in the air into the path of a teammate will live long in the memory. If Alonso / Messi / Gerrard had done that etc etc etc….

It wasn’t that long ago that some were openly discussing who would be Jurgen Klopp’s ‘real’ Captain, almost accepting that Jordan’s captaincy role last season was a hangover from the dying days of the Rodgers era.

Well I can’t even countenance somebody else being Captain of Liverpool Football Club these days. His personal transformation from makeweight in a transfer to Fulham to where he is now (and where he could be headed) should be made into a movie. Well, if they make a movie about Jamie f*cking Vardy (and his stupid masks), then why not?

8/10.

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

I have it on good authority (because he told me) that Gini Wijnaldum got enough packets of Wine Gums at Christmas to put Willy Wonka out of business.

Footballers have a very limited sense of humour….

However Gini’s Christmas has been brightened by the rumour linking Quincy Promes with a move to Anfield. He’s very eager for his Dutch colleague to join him at the club, as demonstrated by this less than subtle message on Instagram:

Now you may think that Gini is lonely and would love a fellow countryman alongside him in training each day, but I can reveal the real reason he’s so anxious for him to join….

It’ll give me another daft name to target and I could even park the ‘Geordie Wine Gum’ moniker once and for all (as bloody if…sorry Gini…)

7/10

 

Divock Origi: 

 

In Charles Dickens seminal classic ‘A Christmas Carol’, the main character was visited by three ghosts over Christmas – The Ghost Of Christmas Past, The Ghost Of Christmas Present and The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come…

Last night Divock Origi was visited by all three, and they were all Daniel Sturridge.

When the man who replaces you is doing his wavy arm dance within a minute of coming on…well, it’ll fair scare the sh*t out of you…

With two games in 48 hours on the horizon you suspect both Divock and Daniel will get minutes, but it’s what happens after that and while Sadio is in Africa that will be really interesting.

Will The Ghost Of Ryan Shawcross’ Backpass come back to haunt Divock Origi?

 7/10.

Roberto Firmino

 

Now you all know that I adore the Liverpool players, while simultaneously gently mocking them for your entertainment, and you all know that Bobby Firmino had an ‘incident’ on Christmas Eve that is an open goal for me to fire at.

But I’m not going to.

What Bobby did was wrong. Very wrong. He was pulled over and will get punished however the law sees fit, and the same may happen in-house by Klopp / FSG. However I have to make the point that there are many Christmas dinner tables with empty seats around them this year (and every year) due to drink-drivers. My own extended family has been affected by one such idiot, and as a result I’ve never met a member of my wife’s family.

Let’s leave aside all the ‘football’ bullshit and the ‘Should he be treated like Sakho blah blah bloody blah’. Bobby should be treated the way anyone who breaks the law and endangers lives does.

I’m not calling for him to be fired, or let off, or hung, drawn and quartered. I’ll let the law / the club deal with it themselves. I’ll cheer him on when he wears the red of Liverpool Football Club as that’s what we do.

However I’m putting on record here that I’m disgusted with him personally for his actions on Christmas Eve. I’m disappointed. I’m angry. I’m also thankful he was caught and nobody was harmed. I’m hopeful that he’ll learn a lesson from what happened, and will ensure it won’t happen again.

I’m also happy he scored last night.

It’s not easy being a football fan you know.

7/10.

Sadio Mané:

 

Fantasy Football is a great game that keeps me entertained throughout the football season as I pit my wits against friends and acquaintances to see who has the best footballing brain. It’s free to play, the website is slick and it’s great craic.

However it can consume me a little too much, particularly when I put Liverpool players in my team. Last night was a perfect example. For Lallana’s goal I was trying to convince myself that Sadio Mane could get an assist (as f*cking if…), while I can’t repeat what I said when Imbula slid in to score an own goal as Sadio was just about to knock the ball into the net for a valuable goal for my team (in both senses)…

Of course I’m now pondering what to do when Sadio buggers off for January, as is Jurgen. During a late night Skype call yesterday he told me that he thinks Daniel Sturridge is in great form and looking fit, Divock Origi will never let him down, Philippe should be back soon and that even Adam Lallana could push further forward when required.

I told him that I was thinking of bringing in Alexis Sanchez…and then he hung up on me.

Well, we all have our own challenges, eh?

9/10

Substitutes:

Lucas:

 

Wait..what? Oh, no, apparently ‘Shut Up Shop Ltd’ may be expanding into the Italian market….

Alberto Moreno:

Speaking of which, a new franchise opened up last night when introduced in the 79th minute…

Yep. Please welcome ‘Bertie’s Panic Emporium’.

It got off to a slow start, thankfully…

7/10

Emre Can:

 

I’d had a few beers at this stage and can’t really remember much about Jackie.

I presume that’s a good thing.

7/10

Daniel Sturridge:

 

Raw, natural, unbridled talent.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The best English striker is sitting on the LFC bench, but he may be about to play a very important role…

Please stay fit Daniel. Pretty please?

8/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

After the first loss of the season, Liverpool then followed it with a draw and 4 wins.

After the second loss of the season, Liverpool then followed it with a draw and now 3 wins…and Manchester City are up next.

I’ve never wanted a pattern to repeat so much in all my life.

What Chelsea are doing would have won them many a league title in the past, even now. Yes, large gaps have been overcome / frittered away in the past, but more often than not, if you get 10+ points clear in the league, you tend to win. Chelsea should be 10+ points clear in the league. Any team that wins 12 in a row should be (unless they started at the bottom of the table, but that would just be silly).

While Chelsea are churning out the wins, they must be looking over their shoulders wondering how the hell they can shake off Jurgen’s lads. That nagging doubt can erode your confidence….

8/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel) If you would like to pay me to write like this, please do get in touch. Christmas cost me a fecking fortune.

Note 2: This blog is dedicated to Jack. Welcome to the Liverpool family buddy.

 

Everton 0-1 Liverpool: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

As far as recalls go, this is going pretty well.

It’s going better than most politicians who are asked to ‘recall’ events / decisions that have gone tits up.

Speaking of which, it’s also going better than the movie ‘Total Recall’, despite the fact that there’s a woman with three breasts AND Sharon Stone in it (There’s an easy gag in there about Karius and ‘Tits’ but I’m not going to make it…)

In truth Migs had less to do last night than he did at Boro. D’ya hear that Toffees? Middlesbrough caused us more hassle…

I for one am not going to start complaining that our goalkeeper had sod all to do though. Long may it continue.

The good news is that Migs doesn’t have to do the special ‘Christmas Bedding’ change that always happens in my house. Nope, he’s got two clean sheets for Christmas.

Badoom and indeed Tish.

8/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

You may be expecting me to launch into a rant about his ineffectiveness going forward, but not today.

Y’see despite the fact that it’s 21 years since Everton won a major trophy, they’re still our neighbours, and a trip to Goodison (I actually typed ‘tripe’ there…even my subconscious can’t help itself) is a tough trip.

Therefore, our right back helped keep a clean sheet, and once again his reputation precedes him – Everton kept going at our left hand side, respecting the fact that defensively Patsy is rock-solid.

I’m going to ring Jurgen this morning and tell him that he should arrange a ‘Big Brother’ house set-up, and get Patsy to move in with Phil, Bobby, Adam and Sadio. If some of their attacking sparkle can rub off on Clyne, we’re laughing.

8/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

Well I thought he was bloody immense.

I’ve had a pop at Dejan once or twice *cough* over the years, and accused him of being a ‘follower’ rather than a ‘leader’, but he was a leader last night.

Dominant in the air, a threat with the ball at his feet (to the opposition and not us, which is a refreshing change of pace…), and not afraid to jump in to defend his teammates when Everton got a bit carried away.

I’m also loving the facial hair. He’s just a quick bout of alopecia away from having Flash Gordon show up and kick his ass. That may not sound like a good thing, but Brian Blessed is almost certain to show up, and everything is better with Brian Blessed.

When I said Dejan was ‘minging’ this wasn’t what I meant…

If you have no idea what ‘Flash Gordon / Ming The Merciless’ is, you should really watch the movie. It’ll make your Christmas.

9/10

Ragnar Klavan: 

 

He had some issues with Lukaku in the air during the opening half hour, but eventually subdued the big Belgian and had him neatly tucked away by full time. Normally he’d keep Romelu in his pocket, but it’s the most magical time of the year so you’ll now find Lukaku stuffed inside Ragnar’s stocking, hanging on his mantelpiece.

Sky Sports and Alan ‘Smudger’ Smith were quick to point out that Klavan The Barbarian struggled in the air, but how many headers did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger win in Conan The Barbarian?

Exactly.

8/10

James Milner: 

 

FIFA are a funny lot, aren’t they? The fines that were handed out to, erm, everyone yesterday for displaying ‘political symbols’ made me so mad that I forgot to blink. For an hour.

Well, I now fully expect Everton to be fined by FIFA after last night.

Why you ask?

Well it’s all down to the peculiar vernacular associated with football. You always hear of players ‘bombing on’ or ‘bombing down the wing’ and ‘raiding the oppositions half’. Last night Everton had a man from Donegal ‘raiding and bombing’ down Milner’s wing for the majority of the first half. Even the most ignorant of cretins should recognise that this was a clear political statement by Everton, referencing the troubles in Northern Ireland. The fact that it was masterminded by Ronald Koeman, who played for Holland, who play in ORANGE….well, need I say more?

Truly shocking.

P.S. Before you have a go at me for the Donegal/Coleman/Troubles/Orange mishmash, I’m Irish, so yes I know….

8/10

Adam Lallana: 

 

When Adam is involved in a match where he doesn’t get a chance to show off his silky skills and attacking joie de vivre, you only then realise how hard he bloody works in every game…

I’ve compared him to a Rolls Royce in recent reviews, and this comaprison still holds true. Yes, you think of a smooth, sleek car oozing class, but you forget the monster of an engine under the bonnet. The kind of engine that’s used in long-haul airliners.

This explains how Adam runs from Liverpool to New York and back each game. Fuelled by Nivea of course. You should try it*

*Any damage caused to your car by pouring Nivea in the fuel tank is not my responsibility

8/10

Jordan Henderson:

 

Loyalty is a fine trait in a person. There’s not enough loyalty in the modern world, where everyone would happily sh*t on everyone else if it meant they’d benefit in some way.

But can you have too much loyalty? If you can, I think Jordan displayed it last night…

Let’s call things as they are – that was a SHOCKING challenge by Ross Barkley last night. Awful. Dangerous. Leg-Breaker. Late. Callous. Calculated. A sh*thouse tackle.

However Ross Barkley is English, and (inexplicably) has been in England squads, so Jordan is ‘loyal’ to him. He came out and played down the tackle, said it was no big deal and that Ross is a ‘good lad’.

F*cking hell Jordan! How far does this ‘loyalty’ stretch?

If you found him in bed with your missus, would you apologise for disturbing them and quietly close the door to let them get back at it?

If he ran over your granny, would you pay for the dents she caused to his bumper?

If he tried to break your leg in a match, would you pretend like nothing happened?

Oh….

8/10.

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

Here we have a player who scored quite a few goals last season playing for a team that were frankly rotten. He knows where the goals are, and he knows how to put the ball into them.

Why he now breaks out in a sweat every time he sees a net baffles me.

I heard that his missus asked him to buy some onions the other day but he fell to pieces in his local Asda when he saw how they were packaged. He can’t watch NBA without breaking out in a rash. He doesn’t own a phone or computer as he can’t bear to have access to the ‘net.

Everything else he does, he does reasonably well. However if he doesn’t start throwing in some goals, you feel that the team as a whole are missing out on something that maybe someone else could provide. I mean, Emre Can has banged in a few this season….just saying….

7/10

 

Divock Origi: 

 

He didn’t score…

I know, I’m in shock too.

If the rumours are to be believed, Phil will be back for the clash with City on New Years Eve. That means that there’s just one game left before the three amigos are reunited up front. If that is to be the case, then Divock Origi has played a stellar role as a squad player, and will undoubtedly get more opportunities in the near future. There’s a FA Cup 3rd Round tie in early January with his name all over it.

 7/10.

Roberto Firmino

 

You know that Bobby had probably his worst game in a Liverpool shirt when Klopp name drops him after the game in an anticipatory defence of his favourite player.

For all his faults though he came closest to breaking the deadlock before it was broken (shurrup, you know what I mean), and he was desperately unlucky not to add a second in the last minute.

However, as with all of us, you know he’s counting down the days until the big moment. That moment when all your wishes come true. That moment when you go to sleep one final time and then wake up to see everything you ever wanted waiting for you. It’s so close now. Just mere days left. He’s coming…

Yep, Phil Coutinho is nearly fit again.

6/10.

Sadio Mané:

 

I’m going to prefix this piece of the review by stating very clearly that I am not racist….we all got that? Good.

Africa is bloody stupid. Yes, the whole chuffing continent. All of them. Every single last one.

Holding an international tournament in the middle of the season. Get bent. Tw*ts.

I swear to Lucifer that if Sadio gets injured when on duty for his country I’m going to declare war on the whole continent. Just me. On my own. Yes the odds are stacked against me, but you’ve never seen me when I’m angry…

Well in Sadio. Outstanding.

9/10

Substitutes:

Lucas:

Another prime-time advertisement for ‘Shut Up Shop Ltd’

He’ll make a fortune in the security business when he retires.

Yes I know that’s a direct repeat of the last review, but it’s EXACTLY what he was used for.

N/A

Emre Can:

 

What happens when the Rolls Royce runs out of gas?

You bring on a tank.

Welcome back Emre.

7/10

Daniel Sturridge:

 

You just know that Daniel confuses the bejaysus out of Jurgen Klopp.

He can’t get his head around him at all. He’s injured and he never knows how serious it is. He comes on and impacts a game when he’s only had two sessions training after a month long lay-off. He also does a funny dance when he scores….

While Jurgen may not understand him, you also suspect that he’s bloody happy to have him. Who wouldn’t? He brought that little something different last night, just when we needed it.

Just as Origi has played a huge role this season as a squad player, I also expect Daniel to do the same. If he’s fit….

8/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

There was a moment last night, about 90 seconds after the goal, when the cameras captured Jurgen reacting in the same way that I suspect many of us did at that moment.

It was a moment of realisation. A moment of clarity. A moment that instilled both hope and utter, utter dread in the hearts and souls of everyone connected with Liverpool Football Club.

It was a moment when you realise that it’s nights like THIS, moments like THIS that mean you’re in a title race. This is really on. 6 points is a gap, but football is football…we could be level on points by New Years Day for feck sake. We’re not even halfway through the season yet.

Three years ago we were in a title race, but it kind of snuck up on us. It was March before we *really* believed it was on.

Not now though.Not this year. There’s a 21 game title run-in ahead of us. It’s going to take its toll on us all, but we’re all in this together, and Jurgen is our leader.

Boss tha’.

10/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel) If you would like to pay me to write like this, please do get in touch.

Middlesbrough 0-3 Liverpool: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

Guess who’s back, back again
Migs’s back, tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back

I’ve created a monster, ‘cause nobody wants ta
See Karius no more, they want Migs, Loris is chopped liver
Well, if you want Migs, this is what I’ll give ya
A little clean sheet mixed with some hard liquor
Some vodka that’ll jump start my heart quicker
Than a shock when Karius drops another cross
Then blames the defenders for not co-operating
When I’m rocking back and forth in my chair while he’s operating (heyyy!)
You waited this long, now stop debating
‘Cause I’m back, I’m in nets and you can stop debating
I know that you got a job, Ms. Karius
But your fellas causing heart problems that are complicating
So the LFC fans won’t let me be
Or let me be me, so let me see
They try to shut me down on LFCTV
But it feels so empty without me
So, come on don’t slip, that’s a tip
F*ck that! Karius’s slips got on your tits
And get ready, ‘cause this shits about to get heavy
I just got my place back in goals; f*ck you, Achterberg!

Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me!
‘Cause we need a little controversy
‘Cause it feels so empty without me
I said this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me!
‘Cause we need a little controversy
‘Cause it feels so empty without me

I’d like to thank Eminem for the inspirational lyrics, Simon Mignolet for giving me 90 minutes without heart failure and Loris Karius for being deported…

Did you not hear? Theresa May read my last two reviews and spotted a ‘Johnny Foreigner’ in the UK pretending to do a job.

Don’t blame me. You lot voted for it. Remember kids, Brexit is for life, not just for Christmas.

 

8/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

My last review for Patsy read as follows…

We find ourselves looking at another source of rich, delicious irony as we come to Patsy Clyne…undoubtedly our best defender who we need to be a dynamic right winger for games like these….

It’s all well and good praising him for being rock-solid at the back, but the truth is that in most games at Anfield this season, he’s going to be required to attack, attack and then attack some more. The cold harsh reality is that Clyne is limited going forward, and opponents have worked this out. When defending deep and in numbers, it’s usually Clyne that has the available space wide-right, which is a deliberate decision by opposing defenders. ‘Let him have it, he’s unlikely to do anything with it’. Unfortunately for the most part, they’re right.

If you think that I’m being harsh, consider how much attacking Liverpool have done this season, how many times Clyne has bombed up the right wing in support of that attack and that since the opening day of the season he has contributed exactly 0 goals and 0 assists. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Now compare and contrast with James Milner (penalties excluded).

Oh, hang on…

Did you see that cross for the opener for Lallana? Well, did you?

You’re welcome.

8/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

Dejan passed his Head Injury Assessment better than a common George North so was back in the line-up, and he performed reasonably well, all things considered.

It’s upsetting when the gaffer knocks you out with a flying water bottle so you can understand why at times he seemed to be a bit jittery on the ball. He was probably afraid of another bottle heading his way. It’s not joke trying to keep your eye on the ball and your manager all at the same time.

In any case, a clean sheet alongside another new partner, and this went much better than it did at Burnley.

7/10

Ragnar Klavan: 

 

Some say that a cold, dark December night in Middlesbrough is about as bleak as you can get when it comes to playing football.

Klavan The Barbarian disagrees, considering this is where he comes from:

The Riverside Stadium was the equivalent of the Copacabana Beach to Ragnar and he thoroughly enjoyed himself. It showed.

8/10

James Milner: 

 

Ebony and Ivory. A classic tune by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney, and an apt simile for the performance of James Milner last night.

Talk about a game of two halves.

His first half was like a harrowing scene from a war movie. I’m reliably informed that he had a touch of PTSD in the dressing room at half time, but as we all know, James is from ‘Oop North’ and made of tough stuff, so he just bloody well got on with it and was superb in the second half.

Surging runs down the left, linking well with Origi and turning the threatening Adama Traore into a bystander.

7/10

Adam Lallana: 

 

Oh me, oh my.

What a player. What a talent. What a time to be alive.

Last weekend I called him a ‘Rolls Royce of a footballer’. Scratch that, he’s a fleet of Rolls Royce cars. A showroom of Lamborghini models. A phalanx of Ferrari Testarossa.

In short he makes every man drool.

I’m changing my Santa list and getting Nivea, Nivea and more Nivea. That sh*t must be goooooood…..

10/10

Jordan Henderson:

 

Only Cesc Fabregas made more passes than Jordan Henderson last night, and let’s be honest, Cecil Fibreglass has had weeks of rest to prepare.

He makes us tick. He makes us tock. He’s our hickory dickory dock.

I have no idea what that means, but you get my drift.

8/10.

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

Regular readers of this blog will know that last season I felt that Adam Lallana was like a boy trapped in a time-warp, always a second ahead or behind of those around him. He always did the right thing, but at just the wrong time.

Last night, the whole Liverpool team were like that for the first half. I couldn’t believe how many times a pass was made to a teammate that was just behind him, or just to the right of him or just to the left of him. It was never quite to feet or into the path of the onrushing player, and this stunted our flow and rhythm constantly.

There was nobody more guilty of that than the Geordie Wine Gum, who also added in a bizarre need/desire to take one touch to control, another touch to ensure he had control, a third touch to double-check he had control and then he would pass it.

The effect of this is to frustrate your teammates to the point of distraction. Liverpool are trained and drilled all week in the quick, fizzing movement of the ball at all times. Runs are made off the ball in anticipation of a teammate getting it and moving it on first time. Therefore when a pass causes a player to stop or adjust or take 2/3 touches to control, the run that has been made is wasted, and everything stops and has to start again. Take a look back at that first half again and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

Incredibly though the second half was the exact opposite. I’m not quite sure what Klopp did to fix it. It could have been his decision to play Bobby Firmino more centrally, but that couldn’t have caused all 11 players to suddenly play the ball perfectly to feet and into each others paths, could it? Maybe he just took out a bloody massive spliff, gave them all a toke and they went out all relaxed and just let it flow….

Anyway, I digress. Gini was a new man in the second half. His first touch was outstanding, his vision improved 100% and he was central to all that was good about arguably the best half of football Liverpool have played this season. His role in the second goal was proof of that. He’s also Dutch. Hmmmm…..

Maybe for him it’s a confidence issue that compels him to take extra touches when his teammates are setting off on dangerous runs. If so, hopefully last night will have given him all the confidence he needs and he’ll kick on from here.

A few goals would also be nice, considering he was top scorer for his club last season.

7/10

 

Divock Origi: 

 

4 in 4 has become 5 in 5

I saw some moaning on-line after last weekend that his link-up play wasn’t all that and that despite his goals he should be shifted wide etc etc etc

Well last night I thought his all around work was ‘triffik as Jamie Redknapp would say.

His understanding with Firmino/Mane is growing as they become accustomed to each other (funny that), and he’s now added an assist to his incredible stats this season.

There were chortles, gasps and groans at the LFC bench last night as the kids took their seats on the sidelines, but few seemed to recognise that it’s one of our ‘kids’ that is hauling us through the ‘Coutinho-less’ games, with some aplomb.

Now, does Phil get back in the team then?

Heh.

 9/10.

Roberto Firmino

 

He’s back!

Bobby is back!

Did he step out of the shower at half-time to be told that the last few games were all a dream?

Did Jurgen Klopp cut his own finger so blood oozed out of it, then touched Bobby on the chest and told him that he’ll be alright from now on?

I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care. Bobby Firmino was back to his brilliant best in the second half last night, playing more centrally, and the whole thing just clicked.

Is Phil crucial? Aye.

Is Adam a lynchpin? Aye.

Is Bobby the glue that holds it all together? I suspect so….

8/10.

Sadio Mané:

 

Could have had a bloody hat-trick!

He looked like his own name as he trudged off the Riverside Stadium pitch. ‘Sad’io indeed. He really, really wanted a goal last night and did everything he could to get one.

Still, he was a constant thorn in the side of ‘Boro and played a full part in a super away win.

As K.W.S. said in the 1990’s…’Please Don’t Go’

8/10

Substitutes:

Lucas:

 

Another prime-time advertisement for ‘Shut Up Shop Ltd’

He’ll make a fortune in the security business when he retires.

N/A

Ovie Ejaria:

Another appearance bonus which should be enough to buy his mother something nice for Christmas.

He’s a good boy is Ovie.

N/A

Trent Alexander-Arnold:

A Premier League debut and in midfield too. For about a minute.

I suspect he’ll spend a lot longer in the LFC midfield in years to come.

N/A

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

Very funny Jurgen, very funny. You scamp.

Just because I wondered about you not using the kids from the bench last weekend you decided to chuck ’em on with seconds left. Ha Bloody Ha.

So, here we are, 16 games in and second in the table. Just 6 points off securing our Premier League status for next season. Marvellous.

Now, there’s a wee matter of a Merseyside Derby on Monday night Jurgen. Less than a week before Christmas. You know what Christmas is all about Jurgen don’t you? Gathering together with all your family for days on end, even if you don’t like them, and pretending to all get along.

Now imagine doing that when half/all your family support the Blue half of Merseyside, and they’ve beaten us in the Derby just a few days before….

There’s not enough alcohol in the world to make that bearable Jurgen, so it’s all on you.

No pressure boss.

8/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel) If you would like to pay me to write like this, please do get in touch.

Liverpool 2-2 West Ham: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Loris Karius:

 

Last week I wanted the next picture I saw of Fandango to be on a ‘WANTED’ poster, charged with impersonating a goalkeeper. You’re probably expecting more of the same today, but I’m feeling a tad more composed this evening. Therefore I’ll take a colder, less emotional look at his performance this afternoon.

For the Payet free-kick he was too far to the left of the goal and didn’t have a strong enough wrist when he got a hand to what was in reality a decent, but not superb, free-kick.

For the Antonia goal / Matip clusterf*ck, he was hesitant, and as the old saying goes “To hesitate is to lose”. His centre back did drop a considerable bollock, but he had a chance to rescue the situation.

In both examples he merely added more fuel to the fire that is currently raging as to whether he is really good enough at this level. We’re not talking about a lump of coal that was added to the fire, we’re talking about 30 litres of petrol with last years Christmas Tree floating in it.

To his credit the only thing he had to do in the second half, he did well. He was quick off his line, got a firm punch on a dangerous cross and split Andy Carroll open, all at the same time. He gets an extra point for that.

When managers sign a top-class goalkeeper they say that their new signing will be worth 10 points a season to their team. This doesn’t mean that they’ll make world class saves regularly throughout the season to keep wins from becoming draws, or draws from becoming defeats. What they’re saying is that their new signing doesn’t drop clangers very often, the likes of which clinch defeat from the jaws of victory. For an example, see Bournemouth away last week and West Ham home today.

Klopp has a tough decision to make, similar to one that faced Brendan Rodgers a few seasons ago when Simon Mignolet was faced with the exact same barrage of criticism. Brendan chose to take Mignolet out of the limelight to regain confidence and composure, and brought him back a number of weeks later.

The man to benefit from that was Brad Jones, now plying his trade in Holland, and this week the recipient of the ‘Goalkeeper Of The Year’ award in the Eredivisie (I sh*t you not). The man who could benefit from a similar decision by Klopp would be Simon Mignolet.

Football, you have a very sick sense of humour.

6/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

We find ourselves looking at another source of rich, delicious irony as we come to Patsy Clyne…undoubtedly our best defender who we need to be a dynamic right winger for games like these….

It’s all well and good praising him for being rock-solid at the back, but the truth is that in most games at Anfield this season, he’s going to be required to attack, attack and then attack some more. The cold harsh reality is that Clyne is limited going forward, and opponents have worked this out. When defending deep and in numbers, it’s usually Clyne that has the available space wide-right, which is a deliberate decision by opposing defenders. ‘Let him have it, he’s unlikely to do anything with it’. Unfortunately for the most part, they’re right.

If you think that I’m being harsh, consider how much attacking Liverpool have done this season, how many times Clyne has bombed up the right wing in support of that attack and that since the opening day of the season he has contributed exactly 0 goals and 0 assists. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Now compare and contrast with James Milner (penalties excluded).

Oh, hang on…

7/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

Hooked at half-time, or at least that’s what you think happened…

The truth is that Herr Klopp lost his rag during the break. He was roaring German expletives at his troops, spittle flying from his foaming mouth splattering the dressing room walls like a plasterers radio. The glasses went flying, Origi was crying in the corner and Klopp flung a water bottle at the door of the toilets.

Unfortunately Dejan had just dropped a yule log and was coming out to face the music, only to get beamed with the flying bottle, knocking him spark out.

Klopp actually called for Lucas to replace him, but he just found a Lucas shaped hole in the dressing room door as the Brazilian stalwart had pegged it in sheer terror.

Of course Klavan The Barbarian wasn’t afraid (well, he was, but not as much as the others), so he stepped in.

I have no further update on the condition of Lovren, nor the water bottle.

7/10

Joel Matip: 

 

What a disaster last weekend was at Bournemouth. We missed Joel Matip massively. He brings such calm and assurance to our defence. Once we get him back, everything will be fine. We’ve only conceded a couple of goals when he’s played. He’s the answer to all our woes…..

As his father Billy Joel always told him “Teamwork is everything. No one person is more important than the team, and beware of those who tell you otherwise. People lie Joel. People lie all the time. They’ll tell you that you’re the King, but you need your teammates, always and forever”.

Billy also reflected these feelings in his seminal 1978 hit ‘Honesty’:

If you search for tenderness
It isn’t hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

Joel had been adamant all week that the failings at Bournemouth were not just due to his absence, but nobody would listen to him. Lovren/Lucas/Clyne/Milner spent all week slapping him on the back and telling him that he’s the answer to Liverpool’s defensive woes, every question on Mastermind and global warming.

Therefore Joel was left with little option but to show them that they were wrong, hence his (very deliberate) cock-up that presented West Ham with their second goal.

It’s a tough lesson to learn, but I think we’re all the better for learning it.

Thank you Joel (and Billy).

9/10

James Milner: 

 

James Milner has been exceptional at left-back this season, hasn’t he?

Well….

Aside from his penalties (and he has been exceptional at converting those), he has, like his counterpart at right back, spent a lot of this season roaring up the left flank, and he’s contributed….one assist.

I know, I couldn’t believe it either, but I checked the FPL website (and wept when I saw what my team scored this week), but it’s true. One assist (at home to Leicester City), and he has been part of a defence that has conceded 15 goals in 13 games in which he’s played.

I’m not blaming Milner for all of our defensive woes, and he’s the one that is learning a new position, but a critical eye has to be cast over his contribution, particularly as the role of the full-backs is so central to how Klopp’s 4-3-3 system works.

So in summary we have a dodgy keeper, a centre back who wants to teach us all a valuable lesson, another who’s name is Dejan Lovren, and two full backs who haven’t really done much this season.

Splendid. Merry Christmas me arse.

6/10

Adam Lallana: 

 

Welcome back Adam.

How we’ve missed him. A sublime first touch followed by a clinical finish put us on the front foot early doors, but alas that was not enough for us to kick on to three points.

Lallana is a Rolls Royce of a footballer. His touch and vision is exceptional and he’s going to be crucial to Liverpool over the hectic Christmas period while we wait for Phil to return, and then throughout January when Mane buggers off to Africa.

On a side note, if you’re planning on getting Adam Lallana a gift this Christmas, make it a Nivea gift set, aye? Just for a laugh. G’wan, I dare ya.

8/10

Jordan Henderson:

 

On Christmas Eve millions of children will leave out a fresh carrot for Rudolph as he treks across the globe delivering presents to every child on the ‘Nice’ list.

On Christmas Eve Jordan Henderson will sneak into Darren Randolph’s house and shove a carrot up his arse for making ‘that’ save.

Yes, that’ll put Jordan on the ‘Naughty’ list, but to be quite frank, do you think he gives a f*ck? That shot was heading for the top bin. It was perfect. How f*cking DARE Randolph make that save. The b*astard.

7/10.

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

I lost count of the number of times that Gini broke into the box, was picked out with a lovely pass….and then needed about three touches to get it under control and get a shot away. Needless to say he wasn’t afforded the time to get his shot away…

Christina Aguilera rose to fame with her hit ‘Genie in a bottle’. I’m so frustrated at this result that I’d like to cover that song with a minor change…I’ll call it ‘Gini I’d Like To Bottle’….

JUST F*CKING HIT IT MAN…

6/10

 

Divock Origi: 

 

Four goals in four games.

You can’t really ask anymore of a 21 year old who’s still trying to find his way in the game. Imagine if Marcus Rashford had 4 in 4? The whole nation would be sticky due to the flood of media orgasms…

You can tell that Origi hasn’t quite got the same level of telepathic understanding as Coutinho has with Firmino/Mane, but that’s to be expected. He started this season as the 5th choice for the front three spots…

Should Daniel Sturridge find fitness in the near future, you’d be hard pressed to find a reason why he’d start ahead of Divock. Mind you I think it’s 50/50 who’s more likely to turn up by Christmas day. Santa or Sturridge? Place your bets now….

8/10.

Roberto Firmino

 

Oh Bobby…

My theory on his poor form being linked to the absence of Phil is well documented on these pages, but it just seems to be getting worse and worse.

The daft ponytail / top knot / PS4 antennae was shorn during the week, but alas it didn’t have a ‘Reverse Samson’ effect

We also all know that he’s got motivation to get back on the scoresheet too, as the details of his goal bonuses have been revealed. I’m a big fan of that by the way, as it gives us all an insight into the motivating factors for these multi-millionaires. I don’t care how much money you have, if you know that you’ll get an extra £45,000 for every goal you’ll score, it gets your attention. I mean, that’s an extra gold toilet brush for all six toilets in his gaff. I’m dying to know how many bottles of Nivea Adam Lallana got for his goal today.

I have a theory though that if you look back on Bobby’s peformance today there were numerous occasions when he put himself in a superb position where a single visionary pass would put him clean through and sure to score….

Unfortunately his mate who played him all those passes is crocked, and nobody else is seeing his runs…

Patience Bobby, patience. Keep plugging away.

7/10.

Sadio Mané:

 

When Joel Matip revealed that he had turned down his countries invite to the African Cup Of Nations, everybody at Liverpool Football Club was delighted…apart from one person…

To say that all eyes at Melwood were on Sadio Mane would be an understatement. I’ve heard that Sadio wore sunglasses 24 hours a day for the last 4 days to avoid eye contact with anyone at the club. He’s torn between loyalty to his country and the demands of his teammates and manager.

To his credit he’s doing all he can to ensure Liverpool are in as strong a position as possible when he leaves. He came off at Bournemouth after having a leading role in putting the side 3-1 ahead, only to see it all fall apart. Today he ran West Ham ragged on both wings, setting up both goals. I suspect we’ll appreciate his talent all the more come February, but for all the wrong reasons.

8/10

Substitutes:

Ragnar Klavan:

 

Did you notice the difference between West Ham in the first half and West Ham in the second half?

Aye, they were terrified to even try and attack us in the second half.

Klavan The Barbarian, ladies and gentlemen.

7/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

I’m not one for demanding that a manager should purchase someone during the transfer window just for the sake of it, but I have one question tonight:

Why name certain players on the bench if you’re not going to use them?

I’m all for giving youth a chance and had no issue with the likes of Woodburn, Alexander-Arnold and Ejaria being on the bench, but I do have an issue with them not being called upon when the opportunity arose. Does Jurgen not believe in them enough to call on them when needed? If so, I presume he’ll be very active in the January Transfer Window…

As for the other issues in the team, I liken it to No-Limit Texas-Hold-Em Poker. Everything in the universe, including Poker and this Liverpool team can be explained and understood through mathematics. No matter how many times you have ‘moments of magic’, you’ll eventually be undone by your weaknesses, as the law of averages always, always comes to pass.

Liverpool have weaknesses in defence, and no matter how often they score 2 goals in a game, eventually the law of averages will come to pass and those weaknesses will cost you. That’s what we’ve seen against Bournemouth and West Ham. You may be one of those who can’t quite understand how we concede so many goals from so few shots on target against us, but that’s maths for you. We went over 5 hours without conceding a goal, but that was an anomaly. So was conceding 4 at Bournemouth.

The much-respected Irish football pundit and ex-player/manager of his country John Giles says that Jurgen Klopp is a one-trick pony, but that it’s a hell of a trick….

That’s quite an accusation from a man who has seen pretty much everything in football. For the first time this season questions are being asked of Jurgen Klopp, and with games coming thick and fast for the next few weeks, it’s going to be fascinating to see how he answers them.

Will the ‘one-trick pony’ be sent to the glue factory or will he win the Grand National?

7/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel) If you would like to pay me to write like this, please do get in touch.

Bournemouth 4-3 Liverpool: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Loris Karius:

 

I’m not sure if you follow Loris Karius on his social media channels, but believe me when I tell you that the boy likes to have his picture taken. Sure why wouldn’t he? Look at him! He’s sickeningly good-looking and if the old football doesn’t work out I’m sure he’ll be strutting on a catwalk in Paris or Milan in no time.

After this afternoon though the only photograph I want to see of Loris ‘Fandango’ Karius is a f*cking mugshot on a ‘WANTED’ poster. He should be charged with:

• FRAUD – Impersonating a goalkeeper
• GRAND LARCENY – Robbing Simon Mignolet of a place in the team
• MURDER – The willful killing of Liverpool’s chances at the Vitality Stadium.

Klopp is already making supportive noises of his chosen No. 1, and I’m sure he believes that Karius will improve, but if so he’d better start improving bloody quickly. He made ONE good save in the second half, conceded 4 goals and fluked another save. Shambles.

5/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

An outstanding right back at the peak of his powers.

Following the performance of young Trent Alexander-Arnold in midweek, Pasty knows that if he falls below his usual standards there’s a replacement waiting in the wings. Thankfully he’s showing that in his performances. He showed true dynamism going forward today and I’m sure he even threw in a stepover or two for good measure.

There’s a reason that when the Bournemouth siege did materialise it all came down the left side of Liverpool, well away from Clyne. That’s a mark of respect for the best right back in the league.

8/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

 

I hate it when I’m prescient, but unfortunately I am. Regularly. Just last weekend I wrote the following for Dejan’s review:

Here we have a man who is absolutely flourishing alongside a central defensive partner that suits him down to the ground.

Dejan can now play his own game, free in the knowledge that when/if he ‘does a Dejan’, there’s Billy (Joel) Matip alongside him to make it all better instantly. As a result Dejan is actually making less errors, is growing in confidence and his decision making is improving all the time.

Lo and behold, take Joel Matip out of the equation and Dejan doesn’t just ‘do a Dejan’, he hits ‘peak Dejan’ and all hell breaks loose. Add to this equation the fact that he was playing on the left-side of defence, alongside a fullback who’s not actually a fullback and you can see why Eddie Howe targeted that flank in the second half when he had nothing to lose.

It’s not uncommon for a central defensive partnership to have a leader/follower dynamic. However when the ‘leader’ is absent, you either replace him with another ‘leader’ or you’re probably best off to replace the ‘follower’ as well. Lucas is not a ‘leader’, but more of that later…

I’ve also heard that Alec Baldwin and Saturday Night Live are dropping their ‘Trump’ skit and doing one on Lovren next week. Well, they’ve had huge success lampooning a bumbling buffoon recently….

5/10

Lucas: 

 

The selection of Lucas at centre back has worked well over the last 12 months or so since Klopp decided that the Brazilian stalwart could plug a Sakho-sized hole in the Liverpool squad. However just because something has worked well a few times doesn’t mean that it will work well forever, and today could be the day that the ‘Lucase Centre Back’ experiment died a death.

The fact that Ragnar Klavan was on the bench watching the unfolding debacle was a source of great frustration for me. Admittedly the Estonian hasn’t set the world alight during his limited chances in the first team this season (Burnley away springs to mind), but he does have over 130 caps for his country.

Yes, I know Estonia are shite (no offence to my Estonian readers – yes, I do have Estonian readers), but that’s exactly why Klavan would have been ideal today. He knows what it’s like to play in a crap defence alongside liabilities who haven’t a clue what they’re doing (I’m not naming any names except to say that his surname begins with L. And ends with ovren).

Who better to try and steady a ship that’s under bombardment than a man who’s had over 130 attempts at it before? Lucas clearly didn’t have a clue what was happening while Lovren was causing the chaos.

I could keep going on about the issues at the heart of the Liverpool defence but Christmas is coming, I have sod all done for it, and if I really get into it I’ll still be typing on Boxing Day.

6/10

James Milner: 

 

James Milner is from ‘oop North’.

Playing away at Bournemouth is so far south that the poor lad got confused and thought he was on his holidays. That’s why he was late in the tackle to concede the penalty – he was locked on 6 cans of Stella.

On a serious note, Milner has excelled thus far this season in a position that he is learning from scratch, but today Eddie Howe showed the world how he could be exposed – PACE. Get Milner overloaded on the left and faced with pace and you have him on toast.

Here’s a thought. Patsy Clyne has played left back before, quite effectively. Trent Alexander-Arnold looks fantastic at right back….

I’ll just leave that thought right there….

6/10

Emre Can: 

 

Emre had a day that was more up and down than a Kardashians knickers.

A super assist for Mane followed by a thunderous finish for the third goal. So far, so good.

However for large parts of the game he was anonymous, and when the sh*t truly hit the fan, he was nowhere to be seen. For the last 20 minutes of the game today, Liverpool were truly under the cosh. Bournemouth were coming forward in waves, and Liverpool needed someone to fight fire with fire and to get stuck in. Surely this is where Emre should have excelled, but alas he was as wide-eyed and shell-shocked as everyone else.

I’m not saying he was worse than the rest, but when you’re seen as the gaffers favoured on-pitch lieutenant, there’s an expectation that you will rally the troops and at the very least throw yourself on the grenade. Emre didn’t so much throw himself on the grenade as he tried to control it and passed it straight to a Bournemouth player.

KABOOM.

7/10

Jordan Henderson:

 

A typically busy Hendo performance which highlighted his range of passing, his energy and his movement.

When the going got tough, he tried to get going. My only real criticism of Hendo is that late in the second half, following a save by Karius (well, the ball hit him and went behind for a corner), he approached the keeper to give him a motivating ‘chest-bump’.

He should have f*cking chinned him.

6/10.

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

Prominent and impressive in the first half, playing in an advanced role and helped the team to a 0-2 lead at the break.

Anonymous in the second half, playing deeper, and nowhere near as effective.

Was it a tactical tweak by Klopp? Can seemed to be further forward in the second half…maybe Klopp just flipped them? Do they take turns in the advanced/sitting roles?

I wish I had answers to these questions, but I’ve called each member of the squad repeatedly since the full-time whistle, but nobody is answering.

Chicken sh*ts.

6/10

 

Divock Origi: 

 

Three goals in three games, the first player this season to achieve such a feat, and remember that the first of those games he started on the bench.

His finish for his goal was nothing short of sensational. It produced one of those rare yet exhilarating moments when time stands still, complete silence descends, and everything moves in slow motion. The two seconds it took for the ball to leave his boot before it eventually hit the back of the net was the closest thing to a ‘Matrix’ moment I’ve ever experienced. Magic.

Desperately unlucky not to notch a fourth Liverpool goal late in the second half with an instinctive control, turn and volley which flew just over.

BUT…that miss in the first ten minutes was so bad that at the time I felt it would always come back to haunt us. Misses like that normally do in the Premier League. Admittedly at 2-0 and 3-1 up I thought I was wrong, but I forgot that I’m never wrong. Ever. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

7/10.

Roberto Firmino

Last week I wrote the following during my review of Bobby Firmino:

 

I have one concern however…

The ‘chemistry’ between Coutinho and Firmino is undeniable. They’re brothers in arms both for Liverpool and Brazil and they’ve formed an extremely powerful connection and bond. Now one of them is very, very sick, and I think I’ve seen how this plays out…

I hate it when I’m right.

The performance of Firmino today was so bad it’s not that Coutinho is sick and therefore so is Firmino, it’s more like somebody took Coutinho out back and shot him in the head…

The worst performance by Firmino in a Liverpool shirt by a long, long way.

5/10.

Sadio Mané:

 

Played about an hour. Scored one. Made one. When he went off everything we touched turned to goals…for Bournemouth.

Influential? No. He’s bloody essential. Of course he limped off injured…

Cross everything. Pray to whatever God you believe in….

8/10

Substitutes:

Adam Lallana:

The last time Adam Lallana was in Bournemouth he was spotted at a ‘Gentleman’s Club’, and he then missed a number of games with a groin injury.

That’s what you call a good night out.

Good to have him back but he tends to take a couple of games to get back in the groove.

7/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

Oh Jurgen. Jurgen, Jurgen, Jurgen.

Over the last few weeks you’ve challenged those that claimed that your defence is dodgy. You’ve made it very clear that Mamadou Sakho is for sale in January. You’ve solidly given your backing to Loris Karius as your Number 1.

Now the questions are going to come, and not just from the ‘media’, but from anyone who cares about Liverpool Football Club. We all believed that days like this were behind us, the days where our defence capitulated under even modest pressure, but here we are again.

You’ve done many things right, but there’s work to do and questions to be answered. Without Matip, what’s Plan B? Or Plan C ? (if today was Plan B, scrap it). Should Sakho definitely be sold? Are you SURE about Karius?

15 games unbeaten, third in the table and in the semi-final of the League Cup. It’s been a stunning start to the season, but as Mike Tyson once said ‘Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the head’. Today we were punched in the head repeatedly. Lets hope your plan still works.

7/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel) If you would like to pay me to write like this, please do get in touch.

Liverpool 2-0 Sunderland: The Ranting Red Rebels Ratings

Loris Karius:

 

You’ve probably already seen ‘that’ incident involving Fandango yesterday, but for those of you who haven’t let me just sum it up by saying that the ghost of Gary Sprake (RIP) shook his head in bemusement.

Anfield has seen many goalkeeping howlers in its time, including the infamous Gary Sprake chucking the ball into his own net at the Kop end, but I’m not sure it has ever witnessed a goalkeeper taking a goal kick and booting it directly out for a corner.

Rumour has it that the laws of physics are now being redrafted by NASA to try and explain how it was possible.

On a more serious note, Fandango had very little to do but what he did need to do he did very well, eventually. His hesitation in the first half almost let in Pienaar but he made amends by rushing out to smother the shot. He then went full length at the feet of the most Ginger man in football when denying Watmore, with the game poised at 0-0.

Two clean sheets in a row, minimal action to deal with…long may it continue.

9/10 (7/10 for the performance and 2 bonus marks for making me laugh long into the night)

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

My initial reaction was one of frustration at Patsy as I felt that he didn’t carry enough threat going forward, considering he had bugger all to do going backwards, but then I had a good long hard think for myself and I came to the conclusion that I was being harsh.

Clyne didn’t mark anyone yesterday, but he was marked by Victor Anichebe. I know…Moyes-Tastic. Fullbacks also tend to be effective when overlapping into space, but the Mind-Numbing-Mackems had 11 behind the ball all game, so no such space existed.

Therefore I have come to the conclusion that Patsy was his usual solid self, and we should be thankful for same. It wouldn’t hurt if he smashed a thunderbastard or two into the top bin every now and again, but there’s time for that. I hope.

7/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

Here we have a man who is absolutely flourishing alongside a central defensive partner that suits him down to the ground.

Dejan can now play his own game, free in the knowledge that when/if he ‘does a Dejan’, there’s Billy (Joel) Matip alongside him to make it all better instantly. As a result Dejan is actually making less errors, is growing in confidence and his decision making is improving all the time.

He joined in the attack to create an extra man (although we’d have had to sneak on a 12th man in this case to make any difference), giving David Moyes something else to think about, besides the prayers of ‘Please don’t let them score, I have no idea what I’m doing’ that he was repeating to himself over and over and over all game long.

Dejan’s deft backheel to Mane in the second half almost broke the deadlock but as for his defensive performance, he was once again perfect in all he did. Long may it continue.

8/10

Joel Matip: 

Yesterday (Billy) Joel dedicated one of his Da’s hits to David Moyes, showing once more the compassion he has for all, despite the fact that Moyes has managed our two biggest arseholes rivals.

Only The Good Die Young:

Well, they showed you a statue (of Fergie), told you to pray
They built you a temple and locked you away (Old Trafford)
Aw, but they never told you the price that you pay
For things that you might have done (managing BOTH of THEM)
Only the good (careers) die young
That’s what I said
Only the good (careers) die young
Only the good (careers) die young

You might have heard I run with a dangerous crowd
We ain’t too pretty we ain’t too proud
We might be laughing a bit too loud (at you, obviously)
Aw but that never hurt no one (or does it Moyesey, eh?)

 

Aye, your career is over Moyesey. 11 men behind the ball and ‘the most defensive side I’ve ever seen’ as Herr Klopp said himself. From United to Sunderland and a perennial relegation battle which you’ll eventually lose. Good riddance.

As for Joel? Imperious. As ever. Liverpool were even happy to leave him one-on-one with Defoe at times in the second half, which some may have considered risky. Risky? It’s Joel Matip v Jermaine Defoe. Never in doubt.

9/10

James Milner: 

 

I’m not sure why so many were so concerned at James Milner playing this season at left-back, as it’s now clear that for the majority of the season he’ll be playing left-wing.

He missed his Brazilian buddy on the left when he was taken off injured, but in true Yorkshire fashion he plugged away, bombing up and down the left, probing for the chance to break the deadlock, at one stage missing a Geordie Winegum cross-cum-shot by inches as the furthest man forward in the six-yard box.

Cross-Cum-Shot.

Is that the oddest ‘football specific’ term in existence? I mean, we all know what it means, we’ve all grown up listening to it being used to describe a very specific act in football, but if you take a step back and think about it….

…it really describes the act of someone who ‘gets off’ on crucifixions.

8/10

Emre Can: 

 

Jackie has a constant look of a man that’s been told he can be the greatest player in the world, as long as he goes into a round room and takes a seat in the corner.

It’s right there, so close, but he just can’t quite work out how to do it. He tries hard though, so very, very hard, with that constant furrowed, confused look on his face.

You know what? We needed hard workers yesterday. Hard work was the only thing that was going to get us three points against the massed Sunderland hordes in their 6-4-0 formation. I even said so at half-time yesterday:

Emre follows me on Twitter, so you can all thank me now. Well in Emre lad.

8/10

Jordan Henderson:

 

I was too harsh on Captain Hendo last week, I’ll hold my hands up and admit it. The frustration of that 0-0 draw got the better of me, and Jordan, I apologise.

Hendo is the metronome of this side, constantly on the move, getting the ball from the back, giving it to the front, passing forward, passing left, passing right…he had more passes yesterday than Donald Trump would on Mastermind if his specialist subject was ‘The Duties And Responsibilities Of The President Of The United States Of America’.

I’ve compared Jordan to perhaps our greatest ever midfielder too often, so last night I thought about him in comparison to perhaps my favourite ever LFC midfielder, one Xabi ‘Dreamboat’ Alonso. If Jordan Henderson had been born in Spain and was named ‘Jordi Hendersone’, I’d argue that we’d all be raving about his performances in midfield. He’d be the ‘mercurial midfield maestro from Malaga’ or some such shite.

Admittedly Hendo looks more like a Labrador with his head out of the car window, tongue flapping in the wind, compared to Xabi who looks like…well, he looks like a Greek God. Yet we must never judge on appearances. Isn’t that right President-Elect Trump?

In short, his performances are more like the Alonso we all worshiped, and therefore we should worship him too.

8/10.

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

Last week I argued that Emre Can and The Geordie Wine Gum were too similar to effectively dovetail in midfield, and thankfully Herr Klopp agreed when he rang me to discuss a few bits and pieces on Monday night.

Against Sunderland we saw a slight change in both the role and quality of performance of Gini, who I felt put in his best display yet in a Liverpool shirt. He was more advanced, particularly following the departure of Coutinho, and was unlucky not to create a goal for Milner in the second half.

Prior to the Coutinho injury it was assumed that Gini would lose his spot upon the return of Lallana, however now you could argue that Lallana could move into the front three, making the Can/Gini axis ever more important.

8/10

 La

Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,

 

There are no words. My heart is broken, probably as much as your ankle/knee/right leg.

I’ve already texted Kloppo with a plan. Considering you don’t actually use your right leg apart from using it for balance, why not get a custom made boot to fit over the cast/brace and get back out there?

If you need any more words of wisdom or encouragement, you know where to find me.

Love you.

xxx

8/10.

Roberto Firmino

 

Bobby will get punched by an opponent before the end of the season.

I guarantee it.

He must be THE most annoying player to play against. He never stands still, his first touch is supernatural, his brain works two steps ahead of everyone else and he’s got the biggest smile on the planet. If he wasn’t playing for Liverpool I’d f*cking HATE him.

Of course he does play for Liverpool and I smile each morning when I wake up and remember that.

I have one concern however…

The ‘chemistry’ between Coutinho and Firmino is undeniable. They’re brothers in arms both for Liverpool and Brazil and they’ve formed an extremely powerful connection and bond. Now one of them is very, very sick, and I think I’ve seen how this plays out…

Oh God….

8/10.

Sadio Mané:

 

I’ve seen others ‘criticise’ Sadio for his performance yesterday, but I think that’s harsh. A player who’s main asset is pace is always going to be hindered playing against an 11-man defence, and he also lost one of his main attacking foils in Coutinho early on.

Bearing all that in mind, I felt that Sadio showed a superb work-rate and work-ethic throughout the 90 minutes. He was a constant menace for Sunderland, moving from the right to the left and working well through the middle in the second half. He got his just rewards late on as his lung-bursting run from deep ended up with his upending and the penalty that secured the points.

Aside from all that, I also captained him for my Fantasy Football team, so y’know, he was screwed from the start.

8/10

Substitutes:

 

Divock Origi:

Timing is everything, not just in football, but in life.

Say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the missus and you’ll pay for it dearly, particularly if you’re talking about a ‘Cross-Cum-Shot’ and you’re not talking about football.

Had a certain D. Sturridge been on the bench as he had been all season, it’s 99.9% certain that he’d have had the call following the Coutinho injury, and not Divock. However, a certain D. Sturridge was not on the bench and opportunity arose for D. Origi instead.

‘Opportunity Knocks’ was a very popular talent show on TV back when your parents were children (or your grandparents, depending on how young you are reading this). Yesterday Divock Origi won the whole damn show.

He had one chance…and I can confirm that Divock prefers M&M’s to Smarties…..

Look
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?

9/10

Lucas: 

Lucas is opening up a new Security Company that will specialise in the retail industry.

Yep, he’s an expert when you need someone to ‘Shut Up Shop’.

I’d use him. If I had a shop, like….

8/10

Ben Woodburn:

Robbie Fowler’s Debut v Fulham was not live on TV in 1993

Michael Owen’s Debut v Wimbledon was not live on TV in 1997

Steven Gerrard’s Debut v Sheffield Wednesday was not live on TV in 1998

Ben Woodburn’s Debut v Sunderland was not live on TV in 2016 (but technology has advanced, so I saw it. Just don’t tell anyone…)

We may all remember this game, not for the scoreline, but for the debut of Ben Woodburn, at 17 years and 42 days old. I don’t know what you were doing at 17 years and 42 days old, but I was preparing for the Irish equivalent of the A-Levels, wondering how to get off with girls and hanging posters of Robbie Fowler on my bedroom wall (note the obsession with girls for those of you with a vivid imagination).

Woodburn has the pedigree. The whispers from the club about this young prodigy echo those that came from the club before Fowler/Owen/Gerrard, which we heard before the days of T’Internet and LFCTV. Klopp has rewarded him / enticed him with a debut, and the League Cup Quarter Final next Tuesday night looks a lot more interesting now….

Good luck kid, we’re all rooting for you.

10/10 (He reached the top of the hill. Now he has to stay there)

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

I loved Houllier for his success

I loved Rafa for being Rafa

I love Jurgen for his passion. His desire. His unbending will to win. He bollocked 55,000 people in an instant. Roy Keane did similar, but after a game and by ridiculing them (rightly, to be fair). Jurgen does it RIGHT THERE. In full view of everyone. He knew his team had their head down, arse up in the face of the most negative excuse for a football team he had seen in his career, and all he could hear were moans at misplaced passes and frustrated silence.

HE WAS DEAD F*CKING RIGHT.

I’m heading over to Anfield in February and I cherish the tickets and the chance to cheer on my beloved Reds. I won’t be quiet for a second, and I won’t be moaning at a missed chance or a loose pass. I’ll be roaring the boys on to help them in any way I can. It wasn’t a coincidence that the breakthrough happened AFTER Jurgen urged for more from the fans. He knew his players were giving it their all. If you happen to be lucky enough to attend most Anfield games and you don’t leave with a hoarse voice, give your ticket to someone who will.

It’s 27 years and counting since we won the league, and we have 25 more games to help this team, this squad, this club to climb the mountain once more. 4 teams are on track for 84 – 90+ points this season, which is INSANE. If we’re going to win this league title, it’s going to take a monumental effort. I know the players will give it, but we need every single fan, home and away, to give it too.

You’re not going to a ‘game’, or an ‘event’. You’re going to THE MATCH. You can help. You can make a difference. If you’re smirking, or rolling your eyes when reading this, DON’T GO TO THE MATCH. Let someone who believes me go instead. I implore you. We’re going to need every single person involved with Liverpool Football Club to row in behind the team/manager and give everything they can, be it during one game or over the next 23 games. It’s all or nothing. It’s time be believe.

10/10.

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