Borussia Dortmund v Liverpool: Europa League Q-F 1st Leg: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

Blimey….

A commanding performance on a difficult European away night. Whisper it, but he resembled a ‘competent’ keeper last night. While he didn’t have any outstanding saves to make, everything he did was done extremely well. Admit it, with a few of those routine ‘saves’, you half expected the ball to spill from his grasp to the feet of a Dortmund attacker…but they didn’t.

Don’t think that Migs lacks sentimentality either. On the very ground that Cruyff introduced the ‘Cruyff Turn’ to the world, Migs paid homage to the great man with two of his own. What a wonderful gesture. Another wonderful gesture would be paying for my cardiac operation caused by the very same turns. Jaysus…

I suspect it will take a lot of these kinds of performances to change the perception of Migs in the minds of the Liverpool faithful, but every journey begins with a single step. Of course some of those journeys start on the edge of a cliff…

8/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

 

It’s always wise to heed a warning.

• When the bank writes to you to threaten to take your house…
• When a Scotsman tells you he is going to ‘mash your heed’…
• When Dortmund carve you apart in the first 20 minutes down your wing, but your team just survives…

Patsy did just that. Well, I don’t know if the bank are after him or if he p*ssed off a Scotsman recently, but after the Dortmund scare he grabbed hold of Lallana, ran his hands down his exceedingly soft Nivea-moisturised cheek, looked deep into his eyes and they promised each other that they would heed that warning.

Patsy is a wise man.

8/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

I’m not one for all this Opta stats boll*x, let me make that clear. I like to judge football with a sophisticated system that I call ‘watching’, aided by an app called ‘remembering’.

Last night, I saw that Dejan Lovren was immense once more. Since his roasting at the hands of Shane Long at St. Mary’s (and his subsequent withdrawal), he has faced Spurs and Dortmund, two of Europe’s form teams and he has excelled.

Last night was the pinnacle of the Lovren/Sakho partnership too. While Sakho was bailing out Lovren at St. Mary’s, and Lovren was bailing out Sakho at Anfield against Spurs, last night they were in perfect harmony, mopping up behind each other on the rare occasion that Dortmund managed to threaten.

One thing Dejan must do this summer is practice scoring goals though. Man alive, that header…although kudos to Dejan for heading the goalkeeper in retaliation for saving his effort. Quite right.

9/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

 

My review of Mamadou following his Jekyll and Hyde performance at Anfield last Saturday:

To his credit, he took the half-time break to pop some Prozac (NOT from Dr Mark Bonar, I hasten to add) and was far more solid. Sakho is a player that splits opinion among Liverpool fans more than most, but I am firmly on the side of ‘He’s fecking ACE and if you don’t agree you’re a flute’.

My flabber was well and truly gasted therefore as I read numerous articles, and heard numerous people (who shall not be named to protect their identity/integrity/reputation/loved ones from ridicule) wonder whether Martin Skrtel should come into the reckoning for the Dortmund match.

MARTIN SKRTEL? The only thing Martin Skrtel should come into the reckoning for is the Donkey Derby.

The block in the first half after Dortmund carved us open…you’re not moaning about his bandy limbs now are you, eh? His crisp passing into midfield to launch attack after attack. Glorious.

He had Aubameyang in his pocket all night too. That’s the 36-goal Aubameyang attracting attention all over Europe. I admit, I can’t say ‘Aubameyang’ without adding ‘a-ding-dong’ to the end of it (go on, do it, it’s therapeutic). A Twitter follower (@ClownTrousers) also informed me that ‘Aubameyang’ is the first four chords to Nirvana’s ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’. Again, try it. It’ll make you giggle. Well, it made me giggle.

9/10.

Alberto Moreno: 

 

For 99.9% of the match, Alberto Moreno put in arguably his most professional, disciplined and best performance in a Liverpool shirt.

For 0.1% of the match, ‘Bertie’ appeared and could have easily been sent off…

For the life of me I can’t work out how a professional footballer can launch himself into a two-footed challenge, studs up, 100 yards from his own goal. It’s bewildering. He got away with it, somehow. Just when you think you can see a reliable defender breaking from the mould, the mould explodes and covers you in goop.

Bertie…ya boll*x.

7/10

Jordan Henderson: 

 

I should have seen it coming really. It’s become a familiar tale of woe. Just when a Liverpool player puts in his best performance of the season, he then gets struck down by injury in the very next game. (Somebody better wrap Dejan Lovren in cotton wool, quick).

A typically all-action first half performance in a match tailor-made for Jordan Henderson, as a team with superior possession passes the ball all over the pitch, allowing Jordan to scamper after it, tongue lolling in the wind, thoroughly enjoying himself. His passing was a bit off, particularly in the final third, but his work-rate was crucial in helping Liverpool stem the tide of Dortmund pressure and put them on the front foot after the half-hour mark.

I hope his knee injury doesn’t cost him his Euro 2016 dreams. Get well soon Jordan.

7/10.

Emre Can:

 

 

Hard to accurately judge Emre Can’s performance after his early booking for…well…for failing to magically teleport himself out of the way of a Dortmund player running into him.

He therefore needed to be careful for the remainder of the game, which will naturally take the edge off an all-action combative midfielder as Can undoubtedly is. However he refused to take a backward step and made numerous well-timed and crucial tackles throughout the match.

For homework, I would like Emre to stay back after training every day to practice ‘THUNDERB*STARDS’. He regularly finds himself with the ball at his feet, 30 yards from goal, and I miss the Stevie G potshots, so to see a few screamers fly in the net would be just swell. Also, seeing as he’s German, I’m sure he could ensure a 95% success rate, right? Vorsprung Durch Technik and all that gubbins.

8/10.

Adam Lallana: 

 

People who remind me of Adam Lallana:

1. David Walliams – Amusing without actually being ‘hold my sides, I can’t breathe anymore, funny’.
2. Hawkeye – A member of the ‘Avengers’, very talented, but aside from easily winning Olympic Gold medals in Archery, he’s not exactly The Hulk…
3. Stephen Mulhern – A very competent light-entertainment presenter, but he’s not Ant. Or Dec. Or Dermot O’Leary.

Get my point?

7/10

 

Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,

 

You OK hon? Everything alright at home? It’s just that you were, well, you were quieter than a quiet thing in a library being told to shut the f*ck up by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I know I ribbed you about being a cocky show-off with all your recent wonder goals, but I was just messing. I blame myself, you still haven’t learned when I’m being serious and when I’m ripping the piss out of you.

To be clear, nothing I ever say is serious, unless I say ‘Seriously’ first. Even then, it may not be. Got that? Good.

Love you

xxx

7/10.

James Milner:

Two moments to remember from James Milner yesterday:

1. Leaping like a salmon to head the ball into the path of Origi to assist the opening goal. Cracking.
2. Trying desperately to fit his bulging biceps into the Captains Armband at the start of the second half. He loved it. Really, really loved it. Bless.

His usual hustle including one memorable pivot-turn-dragback in midfield that befuddled his opponents, bamboozled me, and flummoxed the worlds’ media. Marvelous.

8/10.

Divock Origi:

My review of Divock Origi from last Saturday:

A quality weapon to have on the bench. Pace when defenders are tired. Strength when defenders are…well…tired.

Now we just need to add goals.

My review of Divock Origi from the week before v Southampton:

Honestly, all that’s missing with this kid is goals, and you get the feeling that once he starts, he will be hard to stop.

I know that’s a potentially stupid/obvious thing to say about a striker, but he does everything aside from the goals very, very well. He’s strong, holds the ball up, runs in behind, stretches defences, gets flick-ons, has searing pace…he’s the full package.

JUST START BANGING THEM IN!

And you all doubt me when I say that the Liverpool players read this blog….

A sensational performance from Origi last night, doing all I described previously, but with the added GOAL. Probably should have had another but denied by a smart save. He’s only 20 and don’t forget that this kid started for Belgium in the 2014 World Cup, so he would have been only…hang on…*counts fingers…and toes…does subtraction…carry the 1…* EIGHTEEN years old.

The future is bright. The future is Origi.

9/10

 

Substitutes:

Poor Joe:

 

Oh my…

Oh my oh my oh my…

I thought he was superb when he came on. He did everything that Jordan offered in the first half, but his distribution of the ball was, in my opinion, far better.

He’s got a real run in the team ahead of him (potentially for the rest of the season), and while the club don’t seem to be offering him any new deal, this could well be his audition for Klopp and for a new contract.

Of course this is Poor Joe we’re talking about, so he probably shouldn’t walk under any ladders anytime soon…

8/10

Roberto Firmino: 

He’s back. He has one week to prepare for the second leg. Let’s keep him away from those Stoke butchers, aye?

N/A

Daniel Sturridge:

It was very kind of Jurgen to limit his lazy arse to just 6′ of action last night. Maybe a bit harsh, but he really annoyed me last Saturday.

N/A

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

I thought that Jurgen conducted himself remarkably well in an environment that very few of us will ever experience in our lives.

I can only imagine that it would be like going back to the last company you worked for, as a competitor, getting the red carpet in the door, the best car parking spot reserved for you, the office hottie on his/her knees waiting for you (delete as applicable) *ahem* and slaps on the back all around as you try and put them out of business….bizarre.

It was a bold move to select Origi ahead of Sturridge, but one I agreed with pre-match, and which obviously paid dividends. He’s drilled an extraordinary amount of discipline into a side that only last October were as disciplined as Donald Trump in Hooters.

It’s only half-time, but for the love of God Jurgen, chuck the Stoke match this weekend, aye? Play Ibe and Brannagan and Stewart and…well, play the FA Cup 3rd/4th round teams again. We’re four matches from the Champions League group stages and from the UEFA Cup  Europa League…

8/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

Through The Mists Of Time…The Irish Italia ’90 Odyssey

There are swathes of people reading this article who will have no idea how big a deal it was for Ireland to qualify for Italia ’90….

• England fans who expect to be at every World Cup. Admit it, you do.
• Younger Ireland fans who are ‘accustomed’ to seeing the Irish at major tournaments. Listen to your Da…it wasn’t always this way.
• Non-football fans who don’t care one way or the other (whom I would encourage to visit this website: http://www.nofootballnolifenohopenojoy.com)

However to a core group of Irish people, lucky enough to have been around (and old enough to understand the enormity of the situation), the summer of 1990 was an event that transcended anything since the formation of the state, and anything that has happened since.

Yes, even bigger than Riverdance…

Hyperbolé? It would be easy to dismiss that statement as just that, but I beg to differ. The socioeconomic situation in Ireland up to that summer was a bleak, depressed story of recession and struggle for generations of Irish men and women. The 1980’s in particular had seen the country suffer a long, crippling recession, with hundreds of thousands of its young people leaving its shores in search of work, hope and a future. They even made a movie about it…

An Irish Graduation Ball in 1986. All dressed up and nowhere to go…

The fate of the Irish football team had seemed to mirror that of the country’s economy in the years leading up to the Jack Charlton era, with disallowed goals, play-off defeats and hard-luck stories in abundance. However after the appointment of the genial Geordie, the fortunes of the Irish football team improved, leading to qualification for Euro ’88 in West Germany (that was an actual country at the time kids, look it up). As glorious as that summer was, it was ‘just’ a European Championships. The World Cup remained the holy grail…

The qualification process for the 1990 World Cup pitted Ireland against the football behemoth that is Spain, as well as the Magyars of Hungary, near-neighbours Northern Ireland and the customary whipping boys of Malta. The ‘style’ of play preferred by Charlton was by now ingrained into the Irish players, and can be summed up as being an early version of the Klopp ‘gegenpressing’, without the need, nor desire, to actually pass the ball around that much. Ireland defended from the front, hurrying and hassling the opposition when they had the ball, and then wasting no time in putting the ball into dangerous areas (and as far away from the Irish goal as possible) whenever Ireland had possession. It may seem crude, but it was extremely effective as the qualifying table for Italia 90 shows:

Look at that ‘Goals Against’ column. Just the TWO goals conceded in the whole qualifying process, and both of those came in the teams only defeat, away to Spain. Startlingly, the qualification process had actually started poorly for Ireland as they picked up just two points from their first three matches away to Spain, Hungary and Northern Ireland. What followed was a run of victories at Landsdowne Road that swept the nation into near-euphoria.

Not everybody felt that this was a good thing…

The magical spell began with a 1-0 victory at home to Spain on a gloriously sunny late April afternoon in Dublin (Landsdowne Road didn’t have floodlights, so all home matches were played in the afternoon, typically on a Wednesday – which still remains the most popular day for ‘work absenteeism’ according to the Central Statistics Office).

Ireland’s Biggest Hospital…

The Landsdowne Road pitch was shared with the Irish rugby team, and wouldn’t have been considered the most ‘pristine’ of surfaces, much to Jack Charlton’s satisfaction. To put it bluntly, the Spaniards didn’t fancy it, on a dry bumpy rutted pitch in front of 40,000 passionate Irish fans cheering their heroes on. An own goal by Michel from a Ronnie Whelan cross-shot proved to be decisive.

Home wins over Hungary, Northern Ireland and Malta all followed, meaning a victory away to Malta in their final qualifier would ensure Ireland’s first ever qualification for a World Cup. The stories about the fans’ sojurn to Valetta have gone down in history as Irish football fans begged, borrowed and stole to ensure they were on the small Mediterranean island to witness this historic moment. There are now-legendary tales of men heading off to ‘work’ with their packed lunch, lovingly prepared by their better halves, and returning three days later after ‘neglecting’ to mention that they were heading to Malta that day. In fact Dublin Airport was fog-bound for two days prior to the game and the fog only lifted just in time to allow the legions of Irish fans to travel.

Right lads, pray in this order: 1. We win. 2. We get there. 3. Our wives don’t kill us if we get home.

Another little footnote to that historic game involved John Aldridge, the predatory Liverpool marksman who had yet to register a goal for Ireland in  19 previous competitive appearances, an incredible fact considering how lethal he had been in his club career up to that point. He picked this day, of all days, to finally break his duck, scoring both in a comfortable 2-0 win to send Ireland to their first ever World Cup.

Calm down John, it’s only Malta…

So the qualification mission was complete. Next was the little matter of Italia ’90 and Ireland’s first ever appearance on the world stage….

To say that the build-up to the tournament consumed the nation would be an understatement. Everywhere you looked, everywhere you went and everything you saw and heard was about ‘Italia 90’ and ‘The Boys In Green’. You could collect coins, each with a players head on them, at petrol stations. The music charts were dominated by one of the (in my opinion) finer football songs of all time – ‘Put ’em under pressure’ was produced by U2’s Larry Mullen and there isn’t an Irish person over the age of 30 today that doesn’t know the words. Seriously, find one and ask them…we ALL know it by heart.  In fact, if you’ve ever wondered why an Irish crowd, anywhere in the world, even to this day, erupts into chants of ‘Olé, Olé, Olé’, this song is the reason why. Personally I’m stunned we didn’t have a referendum to change the constitution and make it our national anthem at the time.

Even Fr. O’Flaherty replaced ‘Our Lords Prayer’ with ‘Put ’em under pressure’…

You must remember that in 1990 the ‘Republic of Ireland’ as a nation was at most 68 years old (The ‘Irish Free State’ was founded in 1922, ‘Ireland’ as a nation was founded in 1939 and the ‘Republic of Ireland’, finally cut off from the Commonwealth was only established in 1949). This small country on the periphery of the European continent was, in historical terms, still a fledgling nation, eager to step out of the shadow of our nearest neighbour and to proclaim to the world that we were a people and a nation in our own right. This World Cup, the pinnacle of ‘The Worlds Game’, was the most glaringly obvious opportunity for a nation to stand up and introduce itself to the world…and by God did Ireland do just that.

‘HEY! WE’RE OVER HERE! LOOK! HERE! NO, NOT BRITAIN, A LITTLE TO THE LEFT!’

Heading into the tournament, the Irish squad picked itself, given that you were only allowed 22 players. Just the two goalkeepers were allowed, but Ireland, ever the cute hoor, really had three with young Niall Quinn in the squad, who was only marginally a better striker than he was a goalkeeper. In fact Quinn famously supplemented his Manchester City wage by taking on players in training in a ‘Penalty Challenge’, where he would save countless penalties and pocket the loot. ‘Mother Teresa’ my arse. The only drama surrounding the squad came when Jack made a very late decision to drop Gary Waddock, a loyal servant to the Irish squad, and replace him with young Alan McLoughlin of Swindon Town. In fairness McLoughlin turned out to be a national hero…four years later (but that’s another article). Just look at the quality in this squad though….

Steve Staunton was only knee-high to Mick McCarthy. Mick McCarthy was the natural leader, warrior and all-round gruff Yorkshireman. Ronnie Whelan…Paul McGrath…Ray Houghton…John Aldridge…Kevin Sheedy…Niall Quinn…Jesus wept, how did we not win the whole damn thing?

Ireland went ‘Back To The Future’ for Italia ’90. Confused? Don’t be. In a four-team group, they were drawn alongside the same teams as they had been two summers previously in England and Holland, and this time they swapped Egypt for Russia, or the USSR, or whatever they were called back then. I swear FIFA were taking the mickey ensuring Ireland kept drawing England in major tournaments, especially with English World Cup Winner Jack Charlton at the helm of the Irish team. Hilarious FIFA, bloody hilarious.

As with two years previously, England and Ireland met each other in their opening game of the tournament. Once more the Irish fans travelled in their droves to support their team. Credit Unions the length and breadth of the country were suddenly faced with thousands of loan requests for ‘home improvements’. Amazingly the building trade never did experience a boom…at least not for another 10 years…

For those of us who remained on the island of Ireland, this wasn’t an event that could be watched from the comfort of your own couch. This was an event that had captured the nations hearts like no other, and we were all in this together. From Donegal to Dingle, the people of Ireland gathered in public places to watch the events unfold. Pubs and clubs invested in the biggest TV’s they could afford. The RDS arena in Dublin was set up to cater for 7,000 fans to watch the game together. This was new, this was unique, and to be quite honest this was the first time I’d ever experienced public hysteria before. Basically it was similar to what happened in England when Princess Diana passed away…but way more craic, obviously.

A pub in Ireland four hours before kick-off….

Finally it was time for the talking to stop and for the football to begin. Ireland met England on a hot, stormy night in Cagliari, and things did not start well. England, hell bent on revenge for Stuttgart in 1988 came out of the blocks quickly. Ireland made the fatal mistake of not playing to the whistle, as they believed the ball had gone out of play on the right wing. Chris Waddle played on and put Gary Lineker through on goal to put England ahead in just the 8th minute. What followed was a typically tense, gritty affair, lacking in any real quality, and for a long, long, LONG time I had the horrible feeling that Ireland were going to lose to their biggest rival, their greatest enemy, on their debut on the biggest stage of them all. You have no idea how gut-wrenching that feeling is, particularly when you’re staring it in the face for over an hour, until….

Kevin Sheedy. Two words that are guaranteed to make an Irish person smile from ear to ear. You don’t need to mention dates, times, venues, teams…just his name will do it. He robbed Steve McMahon 30 yards from goal in the 72 minute, advanced a few yards and unleashed a sweet daisy-cutting left foot exorcet into the corner of Peter Shilton’s net to draw Ireland level. It’s reported that the wave of relief in Ireland washed up in Boston the following day. It’s a particularly memorable moment for me as a fellow Irish fan spilled a full pint of Guinness down my back as the ball hit the back of the net. It may be a cliché but it’s 100% true and it was 100% worth it.

So our first game on the world stage was done and dusted and we had done ourselves proud. The bandwagon moved onto our second game v Egypt just a few days later in Palermo. The most memorable thing about this game actually happened in Dublin, in the studios of RTE, when Eamon Dunphy, the Irish version of Gary Neville (ish), threw his pen in a fit of pique and proclaimed that it was an Irish performance of which he was ashamed.Not like Eamon Dunphy to overreact or make statements which he may later retract (the same man proclaimed a certain Cristiano Ronaldo to be a fraud. He’s like Alan Hanson on acid, for those of you who’ve never seen him).

The final group game was v Holland, again in Palermo, and the stakes couldn’t have been higher. Every team in the group was level. Same number of points, goals scored, goals against. Stalemate. No margin for error. Everything to lose, but also everything to gain. The only problem for Ireland is that they were playing the reigning European Champions and one of the favourites for the tournament itself. Van Basten/Gullit/Rijkard v Moran/McCarthy/Morris. Pffft, no problem…apart from the fact that Gullit put the Dutch ahead in the 11th minute.

Once more Ireland faced an uphill battle to keep their World Cup dream alive. Once more they were up to the task. Packie Bonner launched a goal-kick deep into the Dutch half (I know, weird, right?). Van Aerle attempted a volleyed cushioned back-pass to his goalkeeper (this was in the days when goalkeepers were allowed pick them up too), but only manged to put in quite a decent effort on goal for the Irish team. Van Bruykelen saved, but spilled it and there was the Mighty Niall Quinn sliding in on the rebound to smash the ball home and keep Ireland in the World Cup. While I avoided a pint of Guinness being poured over me this time, I recall being lifted high into the air in the ensuing pandemonium. We were back in it…and then the news came through…

England were beating Egypt in the group’s other game, thanks to a Mark Wright header. As things stood, England topped the group while Ireland and Holland were dead-level in every respect. Points, Goal Difference, Goals Scored and Goals Conceded. Soon after the Irish equaliser the ball went out of play and Mick McCarthy had a quick chat to Ruud Gullit. The mind boggles how either understood the other, but the message got through, and what followed ensured that FIFA altered the points system in group games forever. Ireland and Holland stopped playing. That’s not an exaggeration or a euphemism, they ACTUALLY stopped playing. Both sides knocked it about among themselves, nobody tried to tackle and the referee actually tried to lecture both teams to get on with it. ALL THE LOLZ.

And that was that. The Group had ended, but both Ireland and Holland would qualify…either as a 2nd place finisher, or one of the best 3rd placed teams. The big question is who would be 2nd and who would be 3rd? Well, FIFA decided to just draw names out of a hat to decide. The 2nd place team would face Romania while the 3rd placed team had a nice easy last 16 tie with West Germany…Cue the luck of the Irish as we were drawn to face Romania in Genoa.

So the ‘Boys In Green’ steadied themselves once more for a last-16 encounter with, well, Georghe Hagi and some friends, to be honest. While Romania were in all honesty a one-man team, what a man he was. However the Irish defence had got them to Italy in the first place, and had conceded just two goals to England and Holland, so they were prepared for the challenge. On a roasting hot day in Genoa both teams huffed and puffed but eventually fizzled out in the wilting heat, and the game finished goalless after 120 long, excrutiating minutes. Onto the lottery of penalty kicks, with all the focus on the goalkeepers: Bonner for Ireland and Lung for Romania.

The standard of penalty taking was high on the day, as Ireland scored their first four through Sheedy, Houghton, Townsend and Cascarino, who had the sneaky plan of slamming both the ball AND the penalty spot at the Romanian goal to put off their keeper. It worked. The scuffiest scuffed scuffer of all time scuffed its way into the net and Ireland led 4-3 as Daniel Timofte strode forward for Romania….

Packie Bonner in the Irish goal had gotten close to a couple of the Romanian efforts, but had no luck thus far. That all changed as he pounced to his right to claw away Timoftei’s effort and suddenly the Republic of Ireland were one kick away from the quarter finals of the World Cup. THE QUARTER FINALS!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, if you’re not religious, just consider Packie Bonner. The man blessed himself more often than the Pope with Parkinsons, and he had a small bottle of ‘holy water’ in his kitbag in the back of the net. No, that’s not a joke, he really did. Food for thought…

3.5 million Irish eyes turned to the centre-circle to see who was entrusted with without doubt the most important kick of a football in the history of the country. No pressure….

7 million eyebrows were immediately raised as David O’Leary marched forward, ball in hand, to take the vital kick. This was an incredible development for two reasons:

1. David O’Leary and Jack Charlton had a ‘strained’ relationship, to put it mildly, yet here he was, entrusted with the most important kick of Charlton’s managerial career
2. David O’Leary doesn’t take penalties. EVER. This was his first one in professional football.

I don’t mind admitting to having an immediate and total nervous breakdown at that moment. My mind couldn’t cope with what my eyes were seeing. I suspect the majority of the country were the same. Then….silence….

There are moments of sporting commentary that stay with you forever. ‘They Think It’s All Over’, ‘Agueerrrooooooooooo’, ‘Michael Thomas….It’s up for grabs now’…..Well, if you’re not Irish you may have not seen what I feel is arguably the greatest piece of sports commentary in the history of the world ever. Step forward Mr. George Hamilton of RTE.

‘The Nation Holds It’s Breath…YES, WE’RE THERE!’

Cue delerium…pandemonium…ecstasy…The nation erupted in unbridled joy. Every street in the country was filled with celebrating fans. My father drove us into Cork City centre to sample the atmosphere, which he may have immediately regretted as THOUSANDS were on the streets, dancing on moving cars, jumping in fountains and generally LOSING THEIR MINDS….I loved it.

The queue for the bar was horrific….

And so the country tried it’s best to gather itself for yet another match at this World Cup. Deep down we all knew it wasn’t meant to be like this. We got knocked out of the 1988 European Championships in the Group Stages yet the team returned as heroes and legends. We all assumed that something similar was likely in this world cup, yet here we were, in the top eight sides in the world, about to take on the host nation in their own backyard…and we fancied it….sure didn’t we have the backing of the Pope himself…

‘I used to be handy in goal, you know…’

The Olympic Stadium in Rome, the venue for the final, was the stage for Italy v Ireland. The top marksman at the World Cup was a gentleman by the name of Salvatore ‘Toto’ Schillachi, who had come from nowhere to become the hottest striker on the planet. Having only made his senior Italian debut in March of 1990, he came on as a sub in their first group game, scored the winner, and the rest is history. He was a clinical finisher, a real footballing assassin.

Italy also had ‘The Divine Ponytail’ Roberto Baggio, then regarded as the heir to Maradona’s throne as the world’s finest footballer, and he had lived up to expectations so far, steering his side into the quarter-finals with the minimum of fuss. The final major obstacle for the Irish team to consider was Italy’s 12th man….The Referee….

Now this may sound like sour grapes, and maybe it is, but on the night the Irish didn’t get one decision. Nada. Nowt. Yet Andy Townsend placed Baggio securely in his pocket all night long, Mick McCarthy kept a close eye on Schillachi and Ireland put in one hell of a shift, deserving of at least extra-time. All of the above is true except for one solitary moment….

Roberto Baggio rampaged through the midfield, the ball found its way to Roberto Donadoni, who unleashed a venomous drive, but Bonner had it covered and got two strong hands to the ball. Unfortunately in parrying the shot, he parried it back out into the area and then proceeded to stumble to the side of the goal, leaving a yawning chasm for Schillachi to slide the ball into on the rebound. He didn’t need a second invitation.

Ireland were by no means outclassed on the night, but this time they couldn’t find an equaliser, and when the final whistle blew, the dream was over. While there was a tangible sense of disappointment at the defeat, there was a far bigger sense of pride that swept over the nation that evening. Ireland had arrived on the world stage, and had made a major impact. Two of their four opponents in Italia ’90 got to the semi-finals (England & Italy), and they also had to face the reigning European Champions, so to play five games and lose just one was a phenomenal achievement for a nation of just over 3 million people in their first ever World Cup.

The Irish team arrived back to a heroes welcome where an estimated 500,000 people rammed Dublin City Centre to acclaim their heroes. That may not sound like a lot of people, but it was comfortably 1 in every 7 Irish citizens at the time…

I’m the fella 345,762nd from the left…

So there you have it, the story of Ireland in Italia ’90. It remains the pinnacle of Irish footballing achievement to this day, and a glance back through the squad reveals a plethora of squad members who have gone onto management…with varying degrees of success: McCarthy, O’Leary, Hughton, Staunton *shudder*.

It’s ironic that the Irish ‘World Cup Song’ for the 1990 team has done exactly what it says on the tin for future Irish teams…they have indeed ‘Put ’em under pressure’.

 

Southampton v Liverpool: Premier League: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

There are times in your life when the truth hits you like a smack in the gob. The veil is lifted, the fog clears, and everything suddenly becomes clear.

Like Isaac Newton getting beamed on the bonce by an apple (that’s a fruit kids, not an electronic device), I had my own EUREKA! moment yesterday…

• Simon Mignolet is allergic to Martin Skrtel. 

Skrtel causes him to breathe erratically, sweat profusely, shake uncontrollably and sporadically lose control of his limbs. It’s a very serious condition that can only be cured with surgical intervention…cutting Skrtel out of the team, forever.

Let’s look at the evidence…Migs has been a figure of fun for his howlers and general calamity since he arrived at the club – however Skrtel has been a first team regular all that time. Since December, with Skrtel injured, Migs has improved considerably, and the Liverpool defence has appeared coherent/competent throughout.

Yesterday, Martin returned. As with many allergies, it took a little while for the symptoms to manifest. In that time Migs saved a penalty and tipped a screamer over the bar. However, this poor man couldn’t fight off the sweats/shakes forever, and soon they consumed him and he was beaten not once, not twice, but thrice in a gut-wrenching period of hilarious incompetence.

I don’t blame you Simon. You poor, poor man.

6/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

Shifted to left-back to accommodate CAPTAIN FLANAGAN, Patsy had a quiet if effective first half as his teammates put Southampton to the sword. To be honest, he had it pretty easy during that time.

When the team then started to implode in the second half, you looked around for leaders, for warriors…for heroes.

Patsy was picking his nose and telling everyone around what the clouds in the sky looked like. Bless.

6/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

For 45 minutes of this game Liverpool fans winced and moaned and groaned as Dejan was given a torrid time by Shane Long, who was providing the only threat for Southampton in the first half. We wondered if the ‘solid’ Lovren we’d seen for the weeks prior were just a mirage, an illusion. At times like these we are guilty of perhaps not appreciating the threat and quality of the opposition, because…

For 45 minutes of this game Liverpool fans longed for Lovren, wept openly at his withdrawal and cursed Klopp for taking him off.

While Lovren struggled to contain Long (he isn’t the first and won’t be the last by the way – in fact, if LFC are looking for a decent squad striker for next season, they could do a lot worse than Long), he was just about managing it. He’s an experienced professional and in my opinion he should have been trusted to continue doing his job and trusted to eventually get the better of his man. Let’s face it, an inanimate carbon rod would have been better than his replacement, more of which later.

Sometimes your stock can rise considerably when you’re not involved. The second half yesterday was one such example for Dejan. Now a GUARANTEED starter for the remainder of the season.

7/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

 

I can only liken his performance to that of Fireman Sam taking on the Great Fire of London all on his own.

He was imperious once more in the first half, shackling Pelle and mopping up whenever Long got the better of Lovren. Then Martin arrived, and that was akin to someone pouring petrol, firelighters and napalm on a small bonfire….

He desperately, manfully tried to stem the Southampton tide, but there is only so much that one man can do. He had his own opponent to worry about as well as the YAWNING CHASM that Martin Skrtel left behind him time and time and time again. It just wasn’t possible.

I just hope this doesn’t do mental damage to Mamadou, the poor pet.

8/10.

Jon Flanagan: 

Boyhood fan, born in the Boot Room, becomes Captain for the day. It’s enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.

It’s a pity that it all ended in tears too….

Not at his best, but certainly not as bad as some of his teammates. He’s got a new contract, and his future is bright. I’ll leave it there so.

6/10

Poor Joe: 

 

Has a nickname ever been so apt? Well, has it????

Given a rare start by Klopp, Joe was superb, showing for the ball, spraying it left, right and centre and keeping the fluid Liverpool attacking moves going throughout the first half. All was going spiffingly, until….

When you’re slid in, 12 yards out, centre of the goal with just the keeper to beat, your team is two up, your opponent is on their knees, the game is at your mercy, you’re an international footballer and you’re playing for Liverpool in the Premier League….

YOU HAVE TO F*CKING SCORE YOU WELSH WAZZOCK. 

That was the game. Right there. I said it at the time. The referee would have run up to the tannoy and announced ‘Game, Set & Match Liverpool Football Club’. But no. Chance spurned, match still alive. Game bloody on. Poor, Joe. Poor.

His nickname took on a second meaning when his neat shot found the bottom corner only to be ruled out by the linesman four days later. That’s unlucky. Poor Joe.

Of course all of this was compounded when Ronald Koeman made a tactical change that led to Southampton flooding the midfield and throttling Poor Joe for the entire second half. He wasn’t exactly helped by his manager, but more of that anon….

5/10.

Emre Can:

 

Emre found himself in a similar pickle to Mamadou Sakho in the second half, as the aforementioned Saints tactical tweak left him with a knife in gun-fight. Totally overrun and unable to cope, he tried as best he could, but with Poor Joe alongside him and Martin Skrtel behind him…well, he’d have been better off staging a sit-in protest, going on strike and demanding decent working conditions.

Our future leader. I’m certain of it. Unless Bayern nip in and take him in the summer.

8/10.

Adam Lallana: 

Worked as hard as he always does, but to my mind was largely and frustratingly ineffective for the first hour at his old ground…but then he suddenly clicked.

He created two wonderful chances – The first for Emre Can was denied by a toe from a Saints defender, and the second was denied by a toe from a bumbling Belgian buffoon in a Liverpool shirt.

He’s entitled to stop, throw his arms in the air and yell ‘What more can I fecking do’?

7/10

 

 

Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,

Stop it. You’re just taking the piss now. THAT goal? ALL THE LOLZ. Majestic.

THAT pass to release Origi for the second goal? Oh…behave….

Do one thing for me, aye? Don’t look around the dressing room at the likes of Skrtel and Benteke and think ‘Sod this, I’m off’. Please? Pretty please?

Love you

xxx

8/10.

 

Daniel Sturridge:

 

He’s exactly like Mel Gibson, apart from the fact that he’s not deranged and allegedly racist. He’s a LETHAL WEAPON this boy.

That goal was sublime. He squared up his man, the goalkeeper and 2,763 fans behind the goal before slamming the ball into the bottom corner. It looked ridiculously easy…it wasn’t. It was a fantastic finish, something he can do with alarming regularity.

Now if we could just build up his fitness and/or interest so that he can play for longer than an hour….that would be ACE.

7/10.

Divok Origi:

 

Honestly, all that’s missing with this kid is goals, and you get the feeling that once he starts, he will be hard to stop.

I know that’s a potentially stupid/obvious thing to say about a striker, but he does everything aside from the goals very, very well. He’s strong, holds the ball up, runs in behind, stretches defences, gets flick-ons, has searing pace…he’s the full package.

JUST START BANGING THEM IN!

7/10

Substitutes:

Martin Skrtel:

 

Oh man.

*Takes Deep Breath*

You bumbling, incompetent, woeful, pathetic, fraudulent, laughable, flatulent, smelly, dopey, ignorant, Donald Trump voting, Global Warming denying, Tory supporting wankbag.

Yesterday, in 45 minutes, Liverpool conceded as many goals with Skrtel in defence as they have in three thousand years previously, without him.

That may be an exaggeration, but I’m not sorry. That was a performance of such ineptitude that George Osborne was laughing at him. How he even got on the pitch is a mystery that I will deal with later, but once he was on it he was beyond terrible. Constantly racing out of defence to try and win balls he couldn’t win, constantly racing back into defence to make up for his mistake that he couldn’t make up for, and making more, hauling players down, missing headers, missing kicks and infecting Mignolet.

I’ve seen some impressive resignation letters in my time, but this was the coup de grace. The end of his Liverpool career. Finito. Dead. Over. Done. I’d suggest putting a fork in it, but his career at Liverpool is so overdone you’d damage the fork.

Goodbye Martin. Don’t let the door hit you on your incompetent arse on the way out.

0/10.

Christian Benteke:

 

Eminem has a classic song that says ‘One chance, that’s all you got’. It’s an uplifting song, designed to stir the soul, to make you charge head first into whatever challenge awaits you, to grab whatever opportunity that is before you….

He’s re-written it for Benteke. It now says…

‘One chance, that’s all you….ah feck, it’s Benteke. Don’t bother lads. It’s all over’.

I’m hearing rumours that the Chinese billionaires have put in a new offer. £35,000,000 is what they want FROM Liverpool to take him TO China.

I actually feel like crying now…

1/10

 

Sheyi Ojo: 

 

I’m not rating this poor kid who was thrown into a Laurel and Hardy sketch without being given the script.

N/A

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

From the sublime to the ridiculous. From hero to zero.

His decision to withdraw Lovren is questionable, but maybe (and I stress maybe) understandable.

His decision to replace him with Martin Skrtel is baffling. KOLO has been a rock for Liverpool in recent weeks when required. He hasn’t put a foot wrong and has even scored a bloody goal. Martin Skrtel on the other hand was sent-off playing for the U-21’s in midweek before this game.

What was he doing? Why Skrtel?

That’s not all though. He didn’t have to put on Benteke. A training cone would have been better up front instead. Or Sheyi Ojo could have come on and gotten more time and experience – he’s in form for the reserves at least.

But what really worried me, and made me howl at my PC like a rabid rabbit is how he failed to spot how overrun we were in midfield…

Just before Southampton got their equaliser, Jordan Henderson was seen pulling on his top about to be introduced into the game. I was kind of relieved for two reasons:

1. I could see we needed help in the middle for over half an hour at that stage
2. I thought Jordan was dead and his appearance on the bench was a ‘Weekend At Bernies’ style set-up. That was the only explanation I had for his non-appearance up to that point.

So there you have it. TWO glaring errors, and another you can make a claim for.

I love Jurgen, I really do. He’s injected vim and vigour into this squad, and we must remember that these are not his players. However if he fecks up, I’ll call him on it.

Jurgen…you have messed up.

 4/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

Manchester Utd v Liverpool: Europa League Last 16 2nd Leg: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

Alright, I’ll level with you all right from the off. Yesterday was St Patricks Day, and I watched this game in a local watering hole. I may have imbibed one or two or many glasses of ale, but the following reviews will be an honest assessment of what I saw, or thought I saw as the night progressed. Pass me the Neurofen…

A marvelously quiet night for Migs, which is a remarkable indictment of LVG and his band of assorted joyless spoofers and thugs.

I do recall one excellent save in the 1st half as a deep cross to the far post found the head of Lingard after Migs thought about coming for it, but the bungee cord tying him to his line pulled him back….*TWANG*. That was about it though. In fact it was so quiet that rumour has it, it was Migs who climbed up onto the United fans tier and unfurled the LFC banner. Splendid.

7/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

One week ago Patsy put in his best ever performance in a Liverpool shirt. He followed that up by putting in one of his worst….

Poor Patsy was terrorised by Martial and Rashford throughout the match. He conceded the penalty that gave United a real lifeline in the tie. He picked up a thoroughly deserved yellow card following what I can only assume was a lobotomy-induced tackle in the second half….

I’ve always said it. If my mind goes later in life, don’t give me a frontal lobotomy, just ensure I have a bottle in front of me.

Patsy, when you’re the second best full-back in the team, and the other full-back is James Milner, then need I say more?

5/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

Last weeks review for Dejan reads as follows:

Hands up who thought that Dejan Lovren stood out last night? Hang on, I can’t see any of you…that was a stupid idea.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that I didn’t notice Dejan at all last night, in the best way possible. He was imperious, solid, flawless and handsome. Sorry, getting carried away there, but you get my drift.

I prefer it when my CB’s are invisible and awesome. I’d like to be invisible and awesome. The things I could do….

I’ve said too much.

There you go. The exact same applies to last night. I’m cheating now, but I’m hungover and I don’t care.

8/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

 

Man dear….

I’ve scoured the dictionary and the internet to find the right words to describe the performance by Sakho last night, but there hasn’t been a word invented yet that will capture it sufficiently. So I’m going to try and coin a new word. Collins? Oxford? You reading this? Get ready to update your tomes….

Last night Mamadou Sakho was INCREDIFABUMAZINGPERB.

You watch. In about a week all the cool kids will be using it.

10/10.

James Milner: 

 

When I heard that James Milner would be playing left-back at Old Trafford in a game of THIS magnitude, I swallowed harder than Kim Kardashian….

However, THIS game shows just why James Milner is such a valuable squad player for Liverpool for the next couple of years. He can do ANYTHING. Seriously, stick him in the nets and we may not be able to tell the difference between him and Migs.

Of course we were slightly fortunate that LVG is a spoofer of MASSIVE proportions and decided to play Juan Mata wide right to try and ‘exploit’ the obvious weakness in the LFC team. Yes, THAT Juan Mata, a man who has less pace than Stephen Hawking with 10% battery left on his chair.

Milner attacked with gusto when the chance arose, and did a decent job all things considered. His selection definitely caused me to drink a bit more to steady my nerves though. Cheers Jurgen.

7/10.

Jordan Henderson:

 

Battling through illness and still part of a dominant midfield. You can’t question his heart, his desire and his sheer bloody-mindedness. Without all three he would likely be playing for Fulham in the Championship right now, and you have to admire that level of self-belief in a competitive athlete.

Is he the future Captain of this club? I suspect not.

Is he a future starter for this club next season? He may well not be.

Is he a gutsy battler who spewed at half-time and still made Michael Carrick look like a Thunderbird with the strings cut? You bet your ass he is.

That miss though….

6/10.

Emre Can:

 

Emre is likely muttering dark thoughts into his bran flakes this morning at Melwood.

At just 22 years of age, in a monumental European tie against our greatest foe, he turned in yet another awesome display in central midfield, winding up Fellaini so much that he threw all his elbows out of his pram….

And yet the man of the match award went to Sakho. That’s tough. However throughout my formative years in school I was a regular recipient of those ‘special’ awards…you know, the ones you give to kids who try hard and deserve, well, sympathy. So I’m giving one to Emre Can today. Not because he’s ‘special’ like me (nobody is special like me…I hope), but because he deserves something for that display.

I hereby declare Emre Can as the ‘YMOTM’. (Young Man Of The Match). *applauds*

9/10.

Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,

 

Thank you so much for reading my review of you last week.

Your WhatsApp reply, while humorous, is also potentially offensive to Irish people, Men, Redheads, My Parents and My Wife.

I have however decided to forgive you, after THAT goal. And yes, I did like the fact that you dinked De Gea at his near post with your RIGHT foot, you cheeky scamp.

May I suggest also that you enter the next Winter Olympics for Brazil? Seriously, that slaloming run through half the United team was mesmerising. Oh, and while I’m at it, could you kindly STOP playing blind, risky passes in your own half? For me? Pretty please?

Love you

xxx

8/10.

Adam Lallana: 

 

A quiet, unspectacular but hard-working display from Adam last night, and that’s fine with me. The hardest working of the front four in implementing the Klopp Pressure System, and neat and tidy on the ball when in possession. Err, that’s about all I can remember of Adam last night. Bloody alcohol.

7/10

Daniel Sturridge:

 

Last night we got a glimpse of the ‘mercurial’ Sturridge.

He was half-arsed in his closing down (sprinting up to someone, stopping 3 yards away from them and waving your leg at them like you’re doing the hokey-cokey is NOT pressing Daniel).

Stopping his run and moaning at his teammates when a pass goes 10 yards beyond him, but still in play, is NOT productive. It can be hard for your buddies to play passes to you the way you like…some of them are still trying to remember your name, you’ve been out for so long (cheap shot, but my head hurts)

Smashing a free-kick off the bar when you had no right to even attempt such a shot. Marvellous. Bloody marvellous.

I’ll be honest, I’ll happily put up with some stroppiness, just so we can glimpse the quality.

7/10.

Roberto Firmino:

 

Clearly the Copacabana Brothers are taking it in turns to play starring roles in games. This week it was Philippe’s turn.

Feel free to join in Bobby. Don’t mind Philippe, I’ll have a word with him.

6/10

Substitutes:

Poor Joe:

 

Joe bounded from the bench like a cocker-spaniel happy to see his master returning home from work.

It was all the more impressive considering Jordan Henderson actually spewed ON him at half-time. It’ll take AGES to get that smell out of his beard.

Poor Joe.

7/10.

Divok Origi: 

 

This kid is fast becoming a real option off the bench for Klopp. He replaced Daniel after an hour, and immediately Liverpool looked like the only winners in this game. His directness, pace and strength is a nightmare for tiring defenders to face. Now if we could just get him to add goals, we’d be laughing.

Well, laughing more. I’m still giggling like a loon after last night. Although I may still be drunk.

7/10

Christian Benteke:

 

He came on. He ran around a bit. He earned obscene amounts of money.

Ah, it’s good to bring out the classic hits every now and then.

Apparently we could be willing to flog him to West Ham AND pay some of his wages. Seriously Brendan…look what you’ve done!

6/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

BOOM.

Indeed. ‘Nuff said.

Actually, sod it, no it’s not. We have a manager that has inherited a squad that was a shambles. A squad that were often beaten before kick-off. A squad that didn’t know it’s arse from it’s (Fellaini) elbow.

Now look at us. A rock-solid central defensive partnership, featuring players that were previously a laughing stock, or left out of the team. A marauding central-midfielder who was being played at right back or centre-back. A striker who’s fit for the first time in YEARS.

You know what the best bit is? We’re away at Old Trafford, defending a lead, and what does he do? He chucks on a central-midfielder and TWO strikers. I love it. It’s gutsy, it’s ballsy, it’s ROCK AND F*CKING ROLL MAN….

 9/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

Liverpool v Man Utd: Europa League Last-16, 1st Leg: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

Liverpool fans know that Simon has been a bit ‘flappy’ in his time at the club. He tends to stand out from the crowd, just by being himself. Yet he’s an ever-present, always there. He does tend to make me a bit of a ‘Grouch’ at times, and I can ‘Count’ on one hand the number of fantastic games he’s had for us.

Credit where it’s due though, he kept a clean sheet last night. He managed to ‘Snuffleupagus’ out the United attack, which had me laughing like ‘Elmo’ in a feather factory.

Alright, I admit it. I liked his yellow kit, even if he did look like ‘Big Bird’.

Today’s Player Review Blog will be brought to you by the Letter ‘Y’ as in ‘Y-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss’ and the Number ‘2’ as in ‘2-0’.

7/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

I like to think that I give credit where it is due, so for this review, two players are getting massive credit:

Patsy Clyne – His best game in a Liverpool shirt by a long, long way. He was targeted by ‘the next Thierry Henry’ (stop laughing…) who played wide left for United, but Clyne battled hard and won the war. He then attacked with what can only be described as vim and vigour and even with a dash of gusto. Won the penalty to give us the lead, unleashed a scorching shot in the second half, and didn’t put a foot wrong all game. Superb.

Jon Flanagan – Of course we could just blindly pat Patsy on the head and marvel at his performance, but we should ask ourselves why his level of performance improved so dramatically? Simple: COMPETITION. Flano is pushing for the shirt, and pushing hard. Patsy knows it. He has to perform to keep it. So some credit for last night must go to Jon Flanagan too.

8/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

Hands up who thought that Dejan Lovren stood out last night? Hang on, I can’t see any of you…that was a stupid idea.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that I didn’t notice Dejan at all last night, in the best way possible. He was imperious, solid, flawless and handsome. Sorry, getting carried away there, but you get my drift.

I prefer it when my CB’s are invisible and awesome. I’d like to be invisible and awesome. The things I could do….

I’ve said too much.

8/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

 

The ‘Yang’ to Dejan Lovren’s ‘Yin’.

Equally as solid and impressive, but slightly more noticeable due to his ‘style’. I alluded to this in my last review where I scolded the Liverpool fans that believe him to be ‘a liability’ and ‘unable to control his limbs’. Well, I’m glad to report that I am not alone in my thinking, and that one of the greatest minds of our time agrees with me. I have proof too. Look:

And this is what I said during my live blog of the game last night on bytheminsport.com:

I think back to the 1st half incident when he missed his kick in the box and tried to recover by imitating a drunk octopus at a rave on an ice-rink. Magic.

See, there you have it. If Barton agrees with me I know I’m right.

8/10.

Alberto Moreno: 

 

ALL THE LOLZ….

At one point in the game the Spanish referee asked Bertie to ‘calm down’.

Dude….

That’s like asking Donald Trump to stop talking boll*x. It’s not going to happen.

His usual effervescent self. I remain to be convinced to be honest…that he’s a defender…that he’s a long-term LFC player…but job done.

7/10.

Jordan Henderson:

 

Anfield on a European Night. Floodlights. The Kop in full voice. Banners. Flags. Scarves. YNWA turned up to 11. United. In Europe.

If ever there was a night when you could step up to the plate as LFC Captain, last night was it.

Cometh the hour….Cometh Jordan Henderson….kind of….

I don’t want to be harsh, I really don’t, but looking at that team last night, the missing piece of the puzzle was a mobile ‘Alonso’ type to compliment the combative Can, to link the defence to the attack and to release the front 3 or 4 quickly.

Jordan is many things, but he’s not an ‘Alonso’ type. Big decisions to be made in the summer by Herr Klopp….

7/10.

Emre Can:

 

22 years old. Born in January 1994. When Baggio was bashing that penalty over the bar in California, Emre was breast-feeding. When the Spice Girls were ‘zig-ah-zig-ahhing’, Emre was watching Thomas The Tank Engine (in German, probably). When Zidane led France to World Cup glory, Emre was leading his pre-school class in finger-painting.

Yet he dominated the midfield once more last night, outshining Morgan Schneiderlin and Marouanne Fellaini with consumate ease.

Speaking of a new LFC captain in the summer…..

9/10.

Philippe Coutinho: 

 

Dearest Philippe,

As regular readers of this blog know, you and I are friends, and you eagerly await my musings on your performance each and every week.

You were very good last night. Full of your usual flair, skills, flicks and tricks, and unlucky not to score with a superb long-range effort in the second half.

However, there is one thing I would like you to do for me. Could you please read this book and/or watch this movie?

It’s a harrowing tale of human spirit overcoming adversity…AND FINISHING SIMPLE CHANCES WHEN THEY FALL ON YOUR LEFT FOOT….

Thanks. xxx

8/10.

Adam Lallana: 

 

No player in the LFC squad gets more hugs from Klopp than Adam Lallana. I’m not sure why that is. Could it be that he looks like a shorter, mini version of Klopp, without the specs? Could it be that the Nivea has made his skin as soft as a baby’s bum to the touch? Could it be that he’s exactly the kind of player that Klopp wants in his team? Could it be that he’s in red-hot form right now and contributed yet another assist and was unlucky not to score?

It’s probably the Nivea….

8/10

Daniel Sturridge:

 

It’s ok, you can admit it. No, really, you won’t be judged, we were all thinking it too…

As Daniel stood over that crucial penalty kick, our thoughts turned back to the Merseyside Derby two seasons ago, when Daniel was on the verge of an historic hat-trick with a pen in front of the Kop…that ended up in the Kop….

He was facing De Gea last night, a footballing phenomenon who is single-handedly keeping Manchester United in the Premier League. Worth 10 points? That fella is worth 35 points and counting. Damn you Read Madrid and your wonky fax machine. Ever hear of Whats App? Eh? Flutes.

Anyway, a solid hour from Daniel, a well-taken goal and a very impressive sulky face when taken off. You could put a cup and saucer on that bottom lip. Excellent. I hate when players are happy to be hauled ashore.

7/10.

Roberto Firmino:

 

Shall I compare thee to a summers day? What a beautiful man. An intoxicating mix of sublime skills and murderous desire all wrapped up in a Brazilian adonis.

The pass to Pasty Clyne to win the penalty….sumptuous.

The finish for the second goal….nonchalant.

The hair…all the cool kids will be wearing it soon.

I’m in love.

9/10

Substitutes:

Poor Joe:

 

Joe gave a passable impression of Andrea Pirlo hepped up on goofballs and fizzers.

The luxuriant hair and beard. The quick feet. The eye for a pass. The control of the game. The manic intensity.

Majestic.

7/10.

Divok Origi: 

 

6 minutes to frolic on the Anfield turf like a young gazelle exploring the savanna for the first time.

David Attenborough, eat your heart out.

7/10

The Fans:

 

Jurgen Klopp only made two changes as the third sub, the extra man, was in play from well before kick-off.

As the teams prepared to leave the tunnel, the BT Sport director did something so many forget to do…he turned everything off and let the occasion speak for itself. This was not your Sky/BT ‘Look at this, it’s fecking brilliant because we tell you it is’, this was sheer, raw emotion among 40,000+ fans packed into their place of worship.

The rousing rendition of YNWA made the spine tingle. The passionate chants of ‘Manchester’ from the Anfield Road End juxtaposed with the choral gospel raining down from The Kop. It was unique. It was magic. It was Liverpool v Manchester United.

Far too often Anfield is far too quiet on matchdays, but not last night. From the first minute to the last, the atmosphere spurred on the players and the management. Klopp was seen standing in front of the Kop before kick-off, puffing his cheeks out at the sheer drama and fervour of it all. THIS is what he signed up for. THIS is what he’s been waiting for. THIS is the atmosphere which makes his frenzied goal celebrations look ‘normal’. THIS is his new home.

The chants from the away end degraded into disgusting mocking and taunting of the 96, which has been rightly condemned by all who have a brain. However we must not return the favour next week at Castle Greyskull, lest we sully the memory of those taunted last night. I believe in our fans that they will refrain from lowering themselves to that level, and I pray I am right…for once.

11/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

Momentum. Belief. Character. Klopp.

It’s a pity the season is drawing to a close. Let’s hope that Liverpool charge over the finish line clutching silver and celebrating….

 9/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

Crystal Palace v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

Simon now begins his final 10-game stint as 1st choice goalkeeper for Liverpool Football Club. It’s not going to be a ‘farewell tour’ as he’ll be on the bench next season, but it’s certainly going to be a ‘thanks but feck off tour’ for the LFC fans who have endured his tenure in our nets.

Today was a reminder of his early days in the Liverpool shirt, as he seemed to be so fond of his own goal-line, he needed to be coaxed out to come and collect the odd ball or three. At times he seemed to be waiting for written approval from Klopp to come off his line, which had to be written, posted and delivered….

In truth he had no chance with the goal, made one very good/brave save early from Bolasie and kept it neat and tidy. A solid day for Migs.

7/10 

Jon Flanagan:

 

Last Wednesday Flano targetted Raheem Sterling on his return to Anfield, and did it incredibly well. Well enough to secure a new contract with the club, you’d hope.

Today Flano was targetted by Crystal Palace and Alan Pardew who thought he may be vulnerable playing his second game in 4 days for the first time in about two years.

Oh the fools! While the pressure from Bolasie and Adebayor was put on, and some of his passing was a little loose in the 1st half, Flano once more grew into the game, and got the better of his opponents once more. A clearance from Adebayor at the far post (after Bolasie managed to cross despite having FIVE white shirts in front of him) was the highlight.

Give the man a contract. NOW.

7/10. 

Dejan Lovren:

 

Now rocking what can only be described as a ‘Ming The Merciless’ look, Dejan was indeed merciless against the Palace attack. Rock solid under every cross, including some very dangerous corners whipped in from the boot of Cabaye, Lovren led by example. Don’t believe me? Well, for example….

With about 10 minutes left, down to 10 men and Palace about to launch a counter-attack from deep in their own half, there suddenly appeared a 50/50 ball. Lovren flew into the challenge, won the ball cleanly and whipped in a dangerous cross of his own. Never gave an inch all day long.

THIS is the Lovren we thought we were buying. ACE.

9/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

 

A Lazarus like recovery from Mamadou allowed him to line out for Liverpool today. Most people who clash heads with Emre Can tend to take two decades to recover….

Another rock in the defence alongside Lovren, and his distribution from the back is going to be a key feature of future LFC/Klopp teams. He can pick a pass this boy. Mind you, that doesn’t stop a ludicrous amount of Liverpool fans from claiming that he’s a liability, unable to control his limbs and he can’t pass the ball.

How can I put this….you’re wrong. You’re possibly quite ill, and you should go for a lie down…for about a year.

8/10.

Alberto Moreno: 

 

When the team was announced, the thought of Zaha/Bolasie running at Moreno made me come over all funny. I got dizzy, had uncontrollable shakes and starting speaking in tongues…

It was as scary in reality as it was in my imagination. I mean, he tried. He really, really tried, but this fella is not a left-back. Or a defender. Of any kind. He’s not really good enough going forward to be a winger either. So he’s…he’s…well, he’s Djimi Traore. But not in a lovable way like Djimi was.

A difficult summer awaits I reckon…

6/10.

Jordan Henderson:

 

This has been a season of crisis for Liverpool. Managers have changed, injuries have bordered on the ridiculous, form has lurched from the sublime to the ridiculous…but things are starting to settle down now, and that means that other ‘underlying’ issues are suddenly coming to light.

Enter ‘Captain’ Jordan Henderson.

His passing is poor. His shooting is dire. His decision making is bordering on ‘Donald Trump’. When he’s surrounded by leaders he ‘fits in’, and does a job. When he’s asked to be the leader…then we have a problem. Emre Can is outshining him in every department right now. Speaking of which….

6/10.

Emre Can:

 

The last two performances from Emre have shown the potential and class this fella has in spades. He mullered the Manchester City midfield on Wednesday night, and he was superb again today, in very difficult circumstances.

They say that if you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, the world is your oyster (or you’ve misjudged the situation, or whatever Kipling was banging on about). Well we’ve discussed how Henderson is doing. We’ll get onto James ‘Chopper’ Milner in a second. Yet amidst all the chaos, Emre rose above it, remained calm and led by example.

Thrown back into the heart of the defence during the enforced tactical reshuffle, he didn’t miss a beat. Or a tackle. He’s only just turned 22 years of age for feck sake!

8/10.

James Milner: 

 

Stupid People Alive Today:

1. Francis Coquelin
2. James Milner
3. Donald Trump
4. Anybody that can’t beat Donald Trump
5. George W Bush
6. Edward Woodward
7. Juan Mata (that just happened as I was typing. LOL)

I don’t need to elaborate. And yes, the picture change is deliberate. It’s an ‘homage’ to stupidity.

5/10.

Adam Lallana: 

 

It’s been a good week for Adam. A very good week. A cracking performance to destroy Manchester City followed by an above average performance to lead the Liverpool attack at Selhurst Park. However….

As I said about Philippe Coutinho last week, I don’t think Adam will ever be ‘The Man’. He will thrive in a team when he is surrounded by quality, and he will contribute to that quality, and that’s good enough for me. He’s a ‘B+’ player. All squads need them. I get the impression that Klopp is a little bit in love with him too. Must be the Nivea.

7/10

Divok Origi:

 

The man who is doing the job that Christian Benteke had been asked to do. Doing it better too. Good for you Divok.

He stretches the opposition’s defence. He runs in behind, at pace. He shows for the ball and holds it up well. He draws fouls. As I said on my coverage of the game for bytheminsport.com (http://bytheminsport.com/events/935), he did a reasonable impression of the Kenny Rogers gambler…

He knew when to hold ’em. He knew when to roll ’em. He knew when to run away. He knew when to dive.

Good work.

7/10.

Roberto Firmino:

 

A quiet afternoon by his own recent standards, as he was withdrawn from the sharp point of the attack and put into a more ‘supportive’ role.

Considering he has been directly involved in more goals than any other player in the Premier League in 2016, this decision should maybe be revisited…

Of course when you’re in form and presented with a chance such as that which Alex McCarthy presented him with, you’re not going to miss. Nice control, nice composure, nice finish. It didn’t look like much, but those chances are remarkably easy to fluff too.

7/10

Substitutes:

Christian Benteke:

 

Never doubted him for a second. This man is the future of our club. An incredible athlete, a world class footballer and possibly the greatest striker in the history of the game.

Alright, I’m giddy, but when you win and score a penalty in the very last second of the game you deserve some nice things to be said about you, particularly when you’ve had certain people say some not very nice things about you…a lot. *ahem*

Was it a penalty? It was soft. He wasn’t ‘tripped’, but he didn’t ‘dive’. He was touched, running at pace. If we’re going to lambast Benteke for that, then we need to set up a worldwide ‘lambasting committee’ to review the many, many penalties and players in identical situations.

Every team has won a penalty like that. Every single one.

Enough of the mewling and fewming, aye? Good.

7/10.

KOLO: 

 

What can you say about KOLO that hasn’t already been said?

Brought on with minutes to go to see out the game and ensure we came away with a point. We leave with three points. I’m not taking any credit away from Benteke, but we all know that KOLO made this happen, just by his sheer presence.

GIVE HIM A NEW CONTRACT IMMEDIATELY.

7/10

Philippe Coutinho:

 

For over an hour of this game, Liverpool played well in two-thirds of the pitch…until they got to the final third, when it was all kinds of shite.

Enter Philippe Coutinho.

He brought composure. He brought class. He brought threat.

He had sod all to do with the goals, but he gave us that quality and threat so desperately needed.

7/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

Three wins in a row in the league for the first time in 12 months. I’m also led to believe that this is the first time in the ‘Premier’ League that Liverpool have come from behind to win a game with 10 men. That’s 24 years.

Some people I know are calling Klopp a spoofer who has fooled the world.

I won’t name them. Yet.

 8/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

League Cup Final: Liverpool v Man City: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

From the sublime to the ridiculous…and back to the sublime again.

How do you solve a problem like Mignolet? I don’t think even Andrew Lloyd Webber would have an answer.

An incredible save to deny Aguero in the first half. An incredible error to gift City a goal in the second half. Thereafter followed three saves that most goalkeepers would never make in a million years. The laughable thing is that this was probably one of Migs’ finest performances in a Liverpool shirt.

And yet….at the very top level, when push comes to shove, when all the chips are in the middle, one small mistake can be the difference. Liverpool drew 1-1 in extra-time, and he chucked one in.

Five more years…..

6/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

Tasked with ensuring that he won a running battle with a £50,000,000 player. Not just that, but a former Liverpool £50,000,000 player. No pressure.

He got stuck in, I’ll say that much for him. He kept Sterling quiet for the majority of the game, yet the reason that Sterling isn’t hogging the headlines tonight is due to his own shortcomings (geddit? ‘short’ comings….LOLZ. Yes I’m still bitter, sue me).

This was another match where Patsy ‘threatened’ to do something going forward, but never did. He battled gamely in defence, and in fairness he ended up in a back four that Monty Python would have struggled to dream up.

Solid. That’s as good as it gets today.

7/10. 

Lucas:

 

Incredible.

To be thrown into a Wembley cup final, in a position you’ve only played a maximum of five times before, and to excel as he did deserves serious respect. He was facing one of the worlds greatest strikers in Sergio Aguero, and yet he kept him largely quiet.

Lucas may well have re-invented himself for the last 5 – 8 years of his career on the back of that performance. While we look at the Liverpool centre-back options this summer and decide who/what we need, Lucas now must come into the equation.

He missed his penalty, but it was well saved, rather than a poor penalty. A true leader, in a squad lacking them. Showed more leadership than Henderson or Milner today. Enough said.

8/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

 

Conclusive proof, if needed, that Emre Can is the toughest player in World Football. Mamadou, a beast in his own right, had the misfortune to head the back of the German’s head. You don’t come back from that. Nobody can.

His passion and disappointment at his substitution is something I adore. I want players who need to be dragged off the pitch kicking and screaming. If you’re happy to trot off after ‘doing your best’, jog on and go and play for Everton. Every player in a red shirt should be willing to die for the cause, and Mamadou showed he was today.

The decision to replace him was of course the right one. The decision to build the Liverpool defence around him for the next 5+ years is also the right one. Mamadou is the next Sami Hyypia. Mark it down. Take it to the bank.

7/10.

Alberto Moreno: 

 

Nope. No way. Not happening.

I have sympathy for young players when they are learning their trade. However when Liverpool spent one long summer trying to sign Bertie a couple of years ago, I was led to believe that he was past that stage.

He’s not. He’s so raw/green/inexperienced/useless/sh*te that I wonder if he’ll ever be at the standard required of a Liverpool left-back. Some teams get away with ‘average’ full backs, but with the kind of system that Klopp likes to play, the quality of the full-backs is of paramount importance. Alberto Moreno is not good enough.

Jon Flanagan. It’s the glaringly obvious answer. Sorry Bertie.

6/10.

Jordan Henderson:

 

I understand (kind of) why Brendan made Jordan his captain for the new season. He was the ‘Renaissance Man’, the phoenix from the flames that defied all odds.

Brendan’s gone.

Jordan Henderson is no more the Liverpool captain than I am. I’m sorry, that’s just how it is. Even on ‘top form’, he’s not the main man, and if he ever is the main man, I will weep for my beloved club.

Today he continued on his current ‘form’, which is woeful. His passing is askew. His shooting is awry. To be fair to him he knows this and he has tried to compensate through ‘commitment’ and ‘passion’. One issue with that though….they should be basics before you take to the pitch. They should be supplemented by the necessary quality.

I would drop Jordan for Joe Allen who is back to fitness. Enough said.

6/10.

Emre Can:

 

I alluded to this point when I discussed Bertie Moreno, and it applies here. Emre Can is EXACTLY the type of young player that you can see has a huge future and who is currently rough around the edges, but is worth persevering with.

I’d bet actual real money on this fella leading the Bayern Munich midfield in 5 – 10 years time, that’s how confident I am in his ability. He was immense today. In a midfield ‘trio’ that consisted of ‘Captain’ Jordan Henderson and ‘Solid’ James Milner, Emre Can excelled.

Dynamic for the full 120 minutes, capped off with an outrageous ‘panenka’ to start the penalty shoot-out. Another player we should make the ‘spine’ of our team for the medium to long-term. Build the midfield around him. Do it. Do it now.

8/10.

James Milner: 

 

Regular readers of my blog will know that the most common question surrounding James Milner has been ‘what does he do?’.

Today we found out.

A jack of all trades, and a master of none – this can be a criticism at times. However it can be a blessing too. James Milner was phenomenal today, for his ability to play in midfield, left-wing and left-back. He did well in every area, and was an asset all day long.

Will he be first-choice next season? I’d doubt it. Will he be a crucial squad player? You bet your ass he will be. If you ever doubt why we have James Milner, watch this game back and remind yourself of his importance.

Oh, and he would probably have taken the 5th penalty. If you’re criticising players for not taking them when ‘you’ think they should have, you’re a massive prick. You’re welcome for this cold bucket of water of self-awareness. Xxx.

7/10.

Philippe Coutinho: 

 

Hmmm….

Here we go….

Philippe Coutinho will never be the ‘man’ for Liverpool. There, I’ve said it. God, that’s a relief.

He’ll be an important player. He’ll be an asset. He’ll be a threat to the opposition.

However he’ll never lead this team to a league title, or to a Champions League. I’ll be delighted to call myself  a massive tw*t if I’m wrong, and I hope I am, but I don’t think so. I mean, he’s got undoubted quality, but he’s just a bit….flimsy. That burning desire that makes you two feet taller than you are, and two stone bigger than you are, and a beast all around the pitch…he doesn’t have it.

Suarez has it. Gerrard has it. Roy Keane had it. Patrick Vieira had it. Messi has it. Baggio had it. You get me? Coutinho doesn’t have it….yet. Here’s hoping.

He popped up with the crucial equaliser. Fantastic. He tried an ‘Aldridge’ for his penalty. Less than fantastic. I just wasn’t confident when he walked forward to take it. That’s what I’m getting at above. Some players you just KNOW they’ll score. Not yet with Philippe, unfortunately.

7/10

Daniel Sturridge:

 

Almost.

Nearly.

Close.

The talent, ability, quality. It’s all there. It didn’t happen tonight, but I’m not going to be too harsh. His cross led to the equaliser, and my only real criticism is that he sometimes tends to ‘overplay’ when in good positions.

When paired with Suarez, they produced some breathtaking goals, but one thing he should have learned from Luis is that there is a time and a place to just put your head down and have a f*cking go. Smack it. Try it. Have a dig.

There are too many ‘flicks’ and ‘tricks’ being attempted. Sure, they look great when they come off, but I’ve seen Sturridge smack many a goal from 20 yards out, so why not try it more often?

Dear Daniel…Just F*cking Hit It.

Regards,

Me. xxx

7/10.

Roberto Firmino:

The return of Daniel Sturridge has kind of blunted Bobby Firmino, in that it has removed him from the sharp edge of the attack.

He’s got the quality, and he, alongside Sturridge and Coutinho, should have the attack built around him. Do we now have a team that will have a 30+ goal a season man in it? Maybe, in Sturridge. I don’t think Firmino will be that man. So if Sturridge doesn’t fill his boots every season, we’ll need Firmino to chip in with 15+ goals every year.

He can, and he will. Now to get the top 3 to develop that ‘understanding’ that they need. Time and patience is required….and avoiding injuries.

 

7/10

Substitutes:

Divock Origi:

 

A young player purchased almost two years ago now, based purely on ‘potential’. I’ve seen vast improvement in him since he came back to Melwood and joined the squad full-time.

He terrified the Manchester City defence when he came on with his pace and directness. Where I expected Sturridge to hurt City, it was Origi who was the real blunt force object up front for Liverpool today. You need a direct, on-the-shoulder attacker to scare a team. If you have too many Coutinho/Firmino/Sturridge flicks/tricks, teams can crowd you out and neutralise that threat.

Enter Divock Origi. Another young player I have huge hope for.

7/10.

KOLO: 

 

Playing for a new contract, and he deserves it right now. If you tell me that we are going to let this guy go for nowt, based on his performance today, I’ll cry.

I’ll cry, I’ll stamp my feet, I’ll have snot dangling from my nose, I’ll tug at my testicles and I’ll swear loudly. Basically I’ll act like I do when my wife tells me I’m not getting any tonight.

I love you KOLO. Do me a favour though…kick Yaya in the balls when you get a chance, aye? Ta. .

7/10

Adam Lallana:

He made a real difference when he was introduced. He spotted where the space was and he exploited it.

He’s a real ‘thinking-mans footballer’ is Adam. He’s like a coach that watches a match for an hour from high in the stands and then comes on to exploit the space he’s spotted. Clever.

Created the equaliser. Had a good penalty saved by that Dick…sorry, Willy. He’ll be around next season, nailed on.

7/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

A first cup final for Jurgen in charge of Liverpool, and heartbreak. He picked a strong team, and all his decisions were vindicated.

Lucas – Yep, that worked well.

Lallana – Had a real impact

KOLO – No choice, but did brilliantly

Origi – Yep, terrified the City defence.

When you consider he’s only been here for 4 months, and he’s probably used 183 different players….it’s been chaotic. A cup would have been amazing, but it was not to be…this time.

Onto the Europa League…and Manchester United.

You can’t lose that Jurgen. Just to make that clear from the outset.

 6/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

Augsburg v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

A clean sheet away from home in Europe.

That’s more than some inter-railing young people can boast about to be fair. I’ve heard many a tale of those who have had ‘accidents’ following a few too many shandies the night before. The key to surviving hostels on your travels is to always get the top bunk, so that nobody can ‘drip’ down on top of you. Think about that for a moment.

Yep, the top bunk. Top life tip, kids.

 7/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

Another solid outing for ‘Patsy’ as he consistently raided down the right wing, often finding himself in good positions.

Another man who likes the ‘right wing’ and currently finds himself in a good position is Donald Trump. Personally I hope his ‘final ball’ will mirror those delivered by Patsy Clyne. If so he’ll end up slumped in the corner of  the ballroom, crying his eyes out and blowing his nose into his ridiculous barnet having totally missed his target.

Just like Patsy Clyne.

7/10. 

KOLO:

 

He wasn’t far off getting on the end of a dangerous Bertie Moreno free-kick in the second half, and making it two goals in two games. Of course if that had happened he’d have had to face Christian Benteke in the dressing room and try to keep a straight face.

We all know that KOLO can’t keep a straight face over anything. I mean he’s being gently but firmly shown the door at Anfield at the end of the season but he still walks around the place like a 24-year old virgin that just got offered a threesome with Kelly Brook and Jessica Alba.

Come to think of it, that explains a lot…KOLO…you dog!

7/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

An anagram of Mamadou Sakho is ‘Had Oak USA Mom’.

He was teak tough last night. His display was so impressive it almost gave me wood. He was a real thorn in the side of Augsburg. He splintered every attack. It was a much better display, and from such acorns do big oak trees grow…

Indeed.

7/10.

Alberto Moreno: 

 

The LFC career of Alberto ‘Bertie’ Moreno was summed up in his performance last night. A few decent runs down the left, a dopey foul on the wing to pick up a yellow card and a ‘cushioned’ back header to Mignolet from all of 2 yards out that gave 83% of all Liverpool fans a coronary.

He’s got a lot to learn.

6/10.

Jordan Henderson:

 

Things that were more ‘accurate’ than Hendo last night:

• A 3 year old guessing ‘Pi’ to the 135th decimal
• The economic plan of every political party seeking election
• Donald Trump’s grasp of the real world
•  An Irish weather forecast
• NASA’s estimate of how old the universe is to the nearest hour

Yep, the word ‘skew-whiff’ was created for Henderson last night. Every ‘final ball’, every ‘shot’. Woeful.

5/10.

Emre Can:

 

A young promising German international returns under the tutelage of a German manager to Germany to play a German team. He was efficient and functional. Very German.

Don’t mention the war though, aye?

7/10.

James Milner: 

James Milner did as James Milner does.

Anyway, I just noticed that one of the FIFA Presidential Candidates is called Sexwale. That’s ‘SEX WALE’. One of his opponents is called Infantino.

They’re all scoundrels, probably, but at least their names are good fun. A Sex Wale v An Infant? It’s like Viz Comic are the scriptwriters.

7/10.

Philippe Coutinho: 

 

Drifted in and out of the match to be honest, but he got the full 90 minutes under his belt and now has a full week off. We saw glimpses of his ability but the intricate flicks and tricks didn’t quite come off.

When the ladies of Liverpool go to the beauty parlour to get a Brazilian do they ask for a ‘Coutinho’ or a ‘Firmino’? They hardly ask for a ‘Lucas’ surely?

These are the issues that keep me awake at night.

8/10

Daniel Sturridge:

 

Herr Klopp is renowned in Germany for his ‘Gegenpressing’. Last night Daniel Sturridge created a new form of pressing. It’s called ‘CantBeArsedPressing’. The lazy sod.

You get the sense with Daniel that while his body needs forever to recover from minor knocks, his ego is able to bounce back quicker than a rubber bullet fired at Iron Man. Where his body is weak, his self-belief is impenetrable. To have the audacity to moan and bitch at some of his teammates during that game, while barely shaking a leg to win the ball back, all after being missing for the past 9,375 games shows where he’s at mentally.

The fecking genius.

6/10.

Roberto Firmino:

 

I got the impression that Bobby F doesn’t much care for 1st leg ties. I don’t blame him. In fact I agree with him. They are the most utterly pointless matches any team plays all season. It’s like the starter at a restaurant. Who really remembers the starter? Nah, you want the steak and the chocolate cake. That’s what you’ll remember.

I propose that after the draw for these ties are made, UEFA should then immediately go to a ‘First Leg Random Result Draw’, where they pull a random result out of the hat. Every result from 0-0 to 3-0 either way is in there. No team can lead by more than three goals at the end of the 1st leg. If you’re the away team in the 1st leg, getting a ‘0-3’ picked out of the hat would be akin to winning the lottery. Getting a ‘3-0’ picked out of the hat would be akin to winning the lottery and losing the ticket.

Hear me out on this. None of us have to sit through that 1st leg tedium we all recognise. We can all instantly look forward to the classic ‘2nd Leg’ match. It reduces the amount of games the players have to play and instantly sets up those classic Anfield European Nights. Have any of those mythical games been a 1st leg? Have they f*ck.

You know it makes sense.

7/10

Substitutes:

Divock Origi:

 

This young fella is going to be very important over the next few months. Not particularly for his goals, more for his mere presence looking over the shoulder of Daniel Sturridge. Any more half-arsed moaning cameos from Daniel and this fella should start instead of him for a game or two.

Think about it. Every time Sturridge comes back from injury (and lets face it, that’s a lot), he instantly impresses, to the amazement of all. He wants people to remember how good he is. Then he may well sit back and bask in the glory. Not under Klopp’s watch, you suspect, and a decent alternative is vital to stop that complacency.

Enter Divok Origi.

7/10.

Jordan Ibe: 

 

Ineffective.

I’m not going to be more harsh than that. It would be like kicking a puppy. I won’t kick a puppy. A kitten on the other hand….

Just kidding.

6/10

Christian Benteke:

 

He didn’t come on. He didn’t jump a bit. He didn’t run a bit. He earned obscene amounts of money.

N/A

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

He was able to pick an unchanged team for the first time in his tenure. The first time they played, they won 0-6. This time they drew 0-0.

Consistency Jurgen. You had the same team, you had a very different performance. I know that Augsburg are not as bad as Villa (let’s face it, nobody is as bad as Villa), but Liverpool were considerably worse.

Something to work on.

6/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

Aston Villa v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet:

 

A far more pleasant afternoon for Migs because he had bugger all to do, really. He made a couple of ‘sharp’ saves throughout the 90 minutes, but nothing he wouldn’t be expected to save. Having said that he’s not been saving shots he’s been expected to save, so that’s an improvement. Of course I’m not going to ‘celebrate’ something like that, so I’ll keep this short and simple.

He was grand.

7/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

It’s amazing what competition can do to a player. Patsy has had the right back slot nailed down pretty much all season due to a lack of alternatives to either Brendan or Jurgen. Now however Jon Flanagan is breathing down his neck (picture that for a moment…*shudder*) and if Clyne doesn’t buck his ideas up he’ll find himself picking splinters out of his arse for potentially the next 3 years.

Lo and behold Patsy puts in arguably his best performance of the season. I must temper that rating once more with an observation that Liverpool were playing the worst Premier League team I have seen since Derby County, but Patsy was excellent. He consistently raided down the right wing from the first minute to the last, and his final ball was much improved. He put in a peach of a half-volley cross late in the game that was begging to be slammed home, but alas Benteke was on at that stage and he just watched it all happen 10 yards in front of him. Nice scrambled goal for Clyne too. A good day.

He’s still just keeping Flano’s shirt warm of course.

8/10. 

KOLO:

 

KOLO! A GOAL! FOR KOLO!

I’d love to say that this was a barnstorming performance capped with a towering headed goal, but I’d be lying.

This was a hilarious tussle between KOLO and Agbonlahor, both of whom have a combined age that must be nudging three digits. It reminded me of Randolph and Mortimer arguing in ‘Trading Places’. Bless ’em.

Then of course there was ‘The Goal’. Did he leap? Did he lose his man? Did he do anything? Nope. The ball bounced off his bonce and flew into the net. Glorious. Best goal of the season for me. Such joy on his face. If ever there was a time to recreate that epic Barry Davies commentary, it was then…”Look at his face! Just look at his face!”.

We love you KOLO. Never, ever change.

8/10

Mamadou Sakho: 

 

He looked like Franz Beckenbauer against that Villa team today. He knew he could pretty much do anything up to bashing the ball into his own net, and get away with it with his pace and power, so he was in his element. He constantly strode out of defence to win the ball ahead of his opponents, launching attack after attack as a result. He also took an English Lesson for 30 minutes during the game and wasn’t missed. If only every match was this easy. Alas, it won’t be.

7/10.

Alberto Moreno: 

 

Let’s play a game. Ready?

Pretend that Brad Smith is the ‘senior’ left back in the Liverpool squad. Now pretend that the ‘young’ Bertie Moreno was getting a chance today to stake his claim for a place in the starting XI. Did he do enough to shift the incumbent?

Nope.

I want Brad Smith starting from now on, when fit. In fact, imagine Smith today raiding down the left against that Villa defence….feck, we would have had twelve. Easy.

7/10.

Jordan Henderson:

 

An ideal game for Captain Hendo to use to play his way back into form, and this was a small step in the right direction. He was neat and tidy, and he kept it simple for a change which is nice.

I have a tip for you Jordan, when you read this, as you undoubtedly will do: Don’t try to be Stevie. You can’t, and you don’t need to be. You have immensely talented players in front of you with Coutinho/Sturridge/Firmino, so get the ball and give it to them. That’s all you have to do mate. It’s simple really. Like yourself. Bless.

7/10.

Emre Can:

 

A dominant midfield performance from Emre, who absolutely bossed the middle of the park against….well, against nothing really, but still, we can only judge what we see. He was constantly pressing, winning the ball back quickly and his passing seemed to be simple but effective.

His goal typified his performance. Got a foot in high up the pitch, won the ball, gave it to somebody talented, bombed on, got it back and smashed it home from 20 yards. Great stuff. He’s younger than Kevin Stewart, did you know that? I think this is sometimes forgotten by Liverpool fans. This fella is a mere footballing foetus, and will grow into a monster in time. A Scouse monster with a German accent. Terrifying.

8/10.

James Milner: 

God, is there any way that James Milner can make himself more exciting? Even in a game where we wallop someone for six he blends into the background. Don’t get me wrong, his performance was decent. Solid set-piece delivery at corners, dangerous crosses at free-kicks, typified by his goal. Yet…..you know? Maybe I’m being harsh. After all he had the dream team in front of him and left them at it. I do wonder once more though, now that we ‘nearly’ have everyone back fit, does he make the first XI? It will be interesting to find out….

7/10.

Philippe Coutinho: 

 

Sublime.

What? You want more? Fine….glorious cross for Goal 1. Glorious through ball for Goal 5. Won the free kick for Goal 2. That’s just for starters. He finished as the Man Of The Match with three assists. The ‘Holy Trinity’ was born today, and they’re only going to get better and better as they play together more often. Coutinho is going to be the puppet-master for potentially the best forward line in the league.

After struggling with the amount of games to be played, suddenly I want the lads to be playing tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. I just can’t get enough.

9/10

Daniel Sturridge:

 

It is simply astonishing how this fella can come back from long layoffs and hit the ground running. Scrap that, he doesn’t hit it running, he hits it sprinting full pelt and sticking the ball in the net. He came off the bench against West Ham and looked like he had never been away, and he started this game in exactly the same manner.

He can be borderline infuriating at times with his confidence that leads him to delay passes or try passes that he probably shouldn’t, but he does so many things so incredibly well that he’s instantly forgiven. Scored one today, probably should have had another, and now has 45 goals in 75 premier league games, the best goals to game ratio in the Premier League era for Liverpool. Better than Fowler, Torres and Suarez. I know….if we can just keep him fit. By far the best English striker today. I’d argue that he’s the best striker in the Premier League full stop. Now he needs to stay fit to prove it.

 8/10.

Roberto Firmino:

Was he quieter today than normal, or was it simply that he was drowned out slightly by the magical noise created by Coutinho and Sturridge? I suspect it’s the latter. Personally I’d be delighted if this was a ‘quiet’ day for Bobby and he was still this effective. Great work to set up Can for his goal, and he was the one that led the pressing from the front.

I’d much rather have Firmino as a ruthlessly quietly effective part of the ‘Holy Trinity’.

8/10

Substitutes:

Divock Origi:

 

Like London Buses, Liverpool wait so long for a striker to show up and then along comes two. With the impact of Sturridge upon his return, Origi could easily have blended into the background. Not a bit of it. He’s stormed to the forefront and has given Jurgen Klopp a very welcome headache when it comes to selecting his strikeforce.

He was on the pitch for mere seconds when he was set through on goal by Coutinho. We’ve seen Benteke miss 5 of these chances over the course of this season, so we know that they’re not easy. Divock showed him how it’s done. Cool, calm, clinical. The less said about the Valentine Snog he got from the 23 stone lad in the crowd after he scored, the better. The ref should have booked that lad. Can he do that?

Now we’ve got the strikers sorted out, we just need to sort the defence. Then we’ll walk the league next season. Right? Another beer anyone? *burp*

7/10.

Kevin Stewart: 

A star is born.

Immense at Upton Park during the week, he fully earned his place on the bench today, and I was delighted to see him get a run out in the second half. He was determined to make his mark too, which he did by picking up a yellow card and playing a superb pass to Patsy Clyne which deserved to lead to a goal.

The future is bright. The future is Kevin Stewart.

7/10

Christian Benteke:

Thrown on after Liverpool had hit their sixth goal in an act of humanity by Jurgen Klopp who wanted to show some mercy to Remi Garde. His introduction immediately stemmed the flow of goals so effectively that Benteke has been given the highest mark of any Aston Villa defender in this game.

I have nothing more to say on this matter.

5/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

Eight days on from having a piece of his body surgically removed he leads his team to a thumping 6-0 win away from home.

Since joining us a few short weeks ago he’s led Liverpool to score 4 at City, 5 at Norwich, 6 at Southampton and 6 at Villa. All of this in a season when Benteke has been the most ever-present striker. Bonkers.

What more needs to be said?

9/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back.

Aston Villa v Liverpool: A Preview

Liverpool play what feels like their 382nd game in just 196 days on Sunday as Jurgen Klopp leads his men to Villa Park for this ‘Unloved Super Sunday’ match. Any romantically attached football fan who wants to remain that way is likely to jettison this game to pamper their better halves for a couple of hours between the really ‘big’ games of the day.

20 minutes ’til Spurs v City. Eat up love. 

The big story from Liverpool this week has been the welcome yet surprising climb-down by FSG on their ticket pricing strategy for next season. A very public and effective demonstration by the Anfield faithful has forced the Liverpool owners to freeze ticket prices for the next two years, costing them a cool £2,000,000 per annum as a result. Of course they will be comforted by their share of the additional Eleventy-Squillion quid they will receive from the new TV Revenue deal.

The FSG Board Meeting

On the field just two more games stand between Liverpool and a weekend off, following their midweek FA Cup heartbreak at the Boleyn Ground. The return of Coutinho, Origi and Sturridge has boosted the attacking options available to Klopp, who has Roberto Firmino in sparking form with 5 goals in his last 6 games. However the defensive frailties that have blighted the side all season still remain. The performance of Lucas as a makeshift centre-half on Tuesday night may give Klopp food for thought as he decides who should attempt to hold the fort at Villa Park, as he has to now come into the reckoning alongside KOLO, Sakho, Caulker and Ilori. I suspect Jurgen may throw all the names into the hat and let fate decide. The impressive Brad Smith is injured and he joins Skrtel and Lovren in the treatment room.

Aston Villa are showing some signs of life over the past 6 games, picking up two wins and two draws in that spell. However at kick-off they will be 8 points from safety with just 13 games left, so this game already has a ‘win-or-bust’ feel about it. Rudy Gestede is doubtful with a hamstring strain – his aerial prowess would be an attractive option for Remi Garde to try and exploit this obvious weakness in the Liverpool defence. Jordan Ayew, Villa’s top scorer this season, is suspended. Agbonlahor is likely to lead the line in their absence. Alan Hutton is also a doubt, but most Liverpool fans will keep their fingers crossed that he starts. Sorry Alan.