FantasyYIRMA GW 31 Review: All Hail The Egyptian King…

With just four matches taking place in GW31, the word ‘strategy’ was used frequently among the FPL community this week. Some had been planning for this for weeks, strategically bringing in crap players, sorry, players from teams such as Crystal Palace, Bournemouth and Huddersfield with this week in mind. Others were reaching for their ‘Free Hit’ chip and loading up on 12 crap players (Damn! Sorry!), players from ‘non-fashionable’ clubs to add to their three Liverpool sure-fire bankers. Yes, that says bankers. Some even chose the strategy of ‘doing nowt’, hoping that a team consisting of less than a handful of players might avoid a massive red arrow of doom.

Ironically none of the above strategies mattered…as long as you captained Salah. Don’t say this column didn’t warn you!

The debate surrounding the ‘Footballer Of The Year’ award is going to come to a head in the coming weeks as the ‘De Bruyne / Salah’ debate rages on, where one party is going to be aggrieved no matter what the result. However in FPL world, the results are already in. All hail Mo Salah! Y’see in FPL it’s not about cups won, it’s about points won, and he’s now 83 points ahead of KDB this season. Yes the Belgian has a game in hand put he’d want to be putting in some shift to make up 83 points…

Against Watford we finally saw Mo Salah doing what he’s been threatening to do for quite a while – he tore an opponent a new one. 4 goals. An assist. 3 bps. TWENTY NINE POINTS (In the style of the old BBC Videprinter – ask yer Da).

The remaining stand-out players in GW31 all had ownership under 10% (which is becoming standard in this bloody game at this stage). James Tomkins scored over 20% of his full seasons points with a goal, clean sheet and 3 bps to break Huddersfield hearts and give Crystal Palace a chance of staying up this season. The b*stard (Sorry, not sorry). Cenk Tosun has responded to Sam Allardyce calling him ‘rubbish’ by being not rubbish and grabbing two goals at Stoke. I’m not saying he damaged Stoke irreparably, but he did a damn fine impression of a bull in a pottery shop to smash their hopes of staying up.

Andrew Robertson was purchased from Hull City for £8m last summer by Liverpool. Liverpool then sold Kevin Stewart to Hull City for £8m in return. THAT, Mr. Trump, is what you call ‘The Art Of The Deal’. In fact I’m ashamed to call it a ‘deal’. It’s blind robbery. A long-con of epic proportions. It would make Cambridge Analytica blush. Robertson’s cross for Mo Salah’s second was so beautiful that it can blind you by looking directly at it. I know of men who have left their wives and children to run off with that cross. It helped Mr. Robertson to 11 points. Swoon.

Jordon Ibe was also sold by Liverpool in the not too distant past and for the majority of the time since, it looked like Liverpool had once more gotten the best part of that deal. However Jordon grabbed his second goal of the season to go with his six assists to grab 10 points against the not so ‘boinging’ Baggies. With form like that Herr Klopp must be crying salty tears into his coffee when he considers he could have kept Ibe and not bought Salah….ahahahahahahahaahaaaa!!!!

Junior Stanislas has shown real form in recent weeks and another 10 point haul will have really pleased his Dad, Stanislas Stanislas. At least I think that’s what his Dad must be called, right? You get called Junior when you have the same name as your Dad? Maybe he’s called Senior Stanislas? Imagine if they brought that custom into Scandinavian culture, where I believe that your surname is derived from your fathers name. Henrik Larsson’s dad was called Lars. Anders Svensson’s dad was called Sven. Bring in the ‘Junior’ custom and in three generations you’d have everyone in Scandinavia and Iceland called Juniorsson. It would be a nightmare for football commentators in the 2042 World Cup.

Finally we have Luka MiliVanilli Millvilleneuve Milivojevic of Crystal Palace, a man who has 106 points for the season because he turns up and scores penalties. No really, that’s all he does. Assists? Pah! Luka laughs at the mere thought. He’s there for the penalties and nothing else interests him. He scored his 8th of the season out of 9 attempts. The one he missed? Oh, it just would have beaten Manchester City. No big deal….

So we come onto our GW 31 Hall Of Shame, and this week we have one ‘winner’. This is a man who has had an unbelievably sh*tty start to 2018. To begin with, he plays for Stoke. He started the year with Mark Hughes as his manager. He then had Paul Lambert take over. That’s bad right? Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. He sits on the bench or out of the squad most weeks, but when he does get his chance he has a public row with his teammates over who should take a crucial late penalty to defeat a relegation rival, misses the penalty, moves slower than tectonic plates to the rebound and costs his team a win. He then sits on his arse for a few more weeks, and gets ONE LAST CHANCE when he starts in another huge relegation battle against an Everton team who enjoy playing away as much as Theresa May enjoys EU Summits. After 29 minutes, with his team in the ascendancy he goes in studs up on Wayne Rooney to earn a straight red card. His team go on to lose another crucial game. Then, to round off his utter humiliation NASA find the ball that he blootered over the bar in the 2012 League Cup Final penalty shoot-out against Cardiff City. It’s on Mars. No, really, it is.

Charlie Adam ladies and gentlemen. And you thought YOU had a hard weekend?

@FantasyYIRMA GW 30 Preview: Peroni on Draft…

Hi! I’m @NiallHawthorne, and you  might remember me from such @FantasyYIRMA blogs as all the Gameweek Reviews this season and the now legendary (in my mind) Gameweek 12 Preview, where I tipped Alberto Moreno (6 Points), Xherdan Shaqiri (5 Points), Alvaro Morata (9 Points), Mo Salah (16 Points) and Callum Wilson (17 Points). How’d you like them onions, eh? So, y’know, you can heed the advice I’m about to convey…or not. Just don’t come crying to me Monday night (that applies if my tips are fantastic and you ignored them, or appalling and you followed them). Caveat Emptor! (No, he doesn’t play for Lazio, for F*CK sake…)

Defender: Jamaal Lascelles, Newcastle

If it’s not broken, don’t fix it. That’s some sage advice for you right there, and 18 GW’s ago I told you all to back a defender that was facing Southampton. Guess what? Yep! Rafa Benitez is preparing his troops to face Southampton, and his young padwan in the opposite dugout, Mauricio Pellegrino. These two have history; Pellegrino played for Benitez at Liverpool, then joined him as a young coach following his retirement. Rafa has remained ‘Rafa’ in the intervening years – he could likely coach the worst U-15 team in your area to beat West Brom on any given day – and his penchant for defensive strategy should see him in his element this weekend, as the Geordie defence face the worst attack in living memory. Jamaal Lascelles is the main man at St. James’ Park these days, and he’s nailed on for a clean sheet, while he also provides plenty of threat at set-pieces with three goals already this season.

Midfielder: Michail Antonio, West Ham

Yes, I know that the Hammers are muck, but you don’t want to play it safe all your life, do you? Come on, take a chance, roll the dice, spin the roulette wheel of life! While this choice is admittedly a risk due to The Moyesiah being an idiot of biblical proportions, Antonio’s recent form should guarantee him a start against Burnley at The London Stadium. A 6 point return in each of his last three GW’s, despite only starting one of those games, is impressive. Allied to this surge of form is the fact that Burnley hit 40 points with their victory last weekend, so they’re safe. Now I can’t tell you how I know this, but a credible source has told me that the Burnley squad have already hit the beach, mentally and physically. They’ve packed it in. Job done. So much so that the away kit they’re wearing against West Ham features Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and flip-flops. You know what? They’re dead right too.

Forward: Jamie Vardy, Leicester City

He’s playing West Brom. West Bromwich Albion. The Baggies. They play at The Hawthorns and they’re so bad that even if it was my back garden, I wouldn’t open the curtains to watch. They’ve conceded 13 goals in their last 6 games, against attacking juggernauts like Southampton (chortle), Everton (guffaw), Huddersfield (snigger) and Watford (ROFL). The players don’t care anymore, and why would they when they’ve got Alan Pardew as manager, a man with as much charm, empathy, talent and self-awareness as Donald Trump? There ain’t no party like a Vardy party, and Jamie is going to be smashing into the Blue WKD on Saturday night celebrating a hat-trick.

Captain: Eden Hazard, Chelsea

Did you see the state of Hazard at The Etihad last week? Man dear, he was trudging around that pitch like a young teenager who just got caught watching porn before being thrown out onto the street to play football with his friends. I’m not saying he was moody, but the actual Moody’s ratings agency downgraded Antonio Conte’s stock from A- to Junk Bond status. Now THAT is moody. However the upside is that he has pent up frustration inside him, bubbling up like a Belgian beer, ready to froth over against a hapless opponent who just don’t have the testicular fortitude to withstand such an explosion. Oh hello Crystal Palace! How nice to see you! Palace have the backbone of jellyfish, as demonstrated in their last two outings against Spurs and United and Hazard is going to take it out on them. He’s going to destroy them.

Oh, but always Captain Salah. I had to say that.

Outsider: Jose Heriberto Izquierdo Mena, Brigton & Hove Albion

This midfield dynamo has risen to prominence in the last few weeks as Brighton have picked up 11 points from their last 5 games, with the Columbian bagging two goals and an assist in that run. He’s got pace, an eye for goal and a effervescence that makes me feel warm inside. He’s also playing Everton who are going to get relegated. You heard it here first.

Draft: Peroni. A beautiful pint on draft. Yes indeed. 

Liverpool 6-1 Watford: The Ranting Rebel Ratings

Loris Karius:

 

On a quiet day with very little to do, the Fandango Initiation continued during the first half as Matip and Milner stuck bouncing, top-spin balls back at him to see how he handled them.

Think Shane Warne welcoming a new recruit to the party while introducing himself to your beautiful wife. A.W.K.W.A.R.D.

To his credit, he skewed one out of play and another towards a teammate…that’s an improvement on his LFC career to date. Watford had over 8 shots on target (that was the last stat I saw while paying attention), yet only 1 goal was conceded, and to be fair, the Liverpool defence gave as much a f*ck about that as I do about the plight of the Tanzanian Toadfrog during the wet season.

I saw signs of improvement so he’s getting an EIGHT. Strictly Come Dancing stylee.

8/10 

Nathaniel Clyne:

 

Seriously, does this guy actually play the full 90 minutes?

Every week he’s A. Nony. Mouse, but in a good way. No drama, no winger tearing him a new one, no drama whatsoever. He’s like the human equivalent of the Shipping Forecast during a warm, still summer.

I adore Patsy and all he does. He’s earned the respect of the entire Premier League to the extent that they don’t even bother testing him, all while looking like a harmless kids cartoon character. To think that he’s ‘challenging’ Kyle Walker for the England right-back slot…what a joke.

8/10. 

Lucas:

 

The man has spent a decade at Anfield, never being appreciated for his talents. I always wonder what would have happened had Phil Neville not handled that ball on the line during his first Merseyside Derby…

He’s been the derided midfield anchorman. He’s been the derided utility man. Now he’s the derided centre back.

Yet people just don’t seem to ‘get’ Klopp yet. I mean, if he asks you to stand on your head, wearing a nappy and yelling ‘MOMMY I LOVE YOU’, I reckon you should do it, because it is likely to help Liverpool win a match.

Klopp now sees Lucas as the third centre back in his squad, ahead of Klavan The Barbarian who has over 100 caps for his country. Considering Lucas has under 10 appearances as a centre back at club level, that’s a huge compliment.

We’re lucky to have him. If you give out about him each time he plays, please feel free to take long walk off a short pier. I mean, did he do anything wrong today?

8/10

Joel Matip: 

With the US Election only a matter of days away, it would have been easy for Joel to have been distracted…I mean, we could all be walking into an apocalypse should the tango-skinned wank-bastard get into power.

What unnerves Joel so much is the fact that his father foresaw this turn of events back in 1976 when he released ‘Miami 2017’:

Seen the lights go out Broadway
I saw the Empire State laid low
And life went on beyond the Palisades
They all bought Cadillacs
And left there long ago

They held a concert out in Brooklyn
To watch the island bridges blow
They turned our power down
And drove us underground
But we went right on with the show

I’ve seen the lights go out on Broadway
I saw the ruins at my feet
You know we almost didn’t notice it
We’d seen it all the time on Forty second street

 

Clearly Father Joel saw the future with President Trump…

I have readers from all over the world, so if you’re reading this and have a say in the upcoming US Presidential Election, I say this…

If you don’t like Hillary, you’re not alone. Neither do I. However, if you decide to give your vote to someone else as a protest, you’re opening the gates of hell to the dark overlord, and the world will never forgive you.

8/10

James Milner: 

 

Back in the saddle, and back riding the opposition in a manner that normally gets an ’18’ rating.

They say that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks, but here’s an old dog that is the exception to the rule. You can visibly see his progression as a defensive player game by game…anticipating danger, clearing danger before it becomes danger…he was on it like a car bonnet today.

In addition his attacking play was threatening, his set-piece delivery was superb and he was perfect…apart from their goal where he was beaten in a challenge.

Nobody said football was fair…

7/10

Emre Can: 

 

Don’t you just love competition for places?

I mean, if it’s competition for your place in your life/company/marital bed you’re going to hate competition. That bastard/bitch is out to take your place and you hate them with every sinew of your being….

But if you’re a fan of Liverpool Football Club and you have Emre ‘Jackie’ Can and The Geordie Wine Gum battling it out for a place in your midfield, you’re f*cking delighted….

And a hypocrite.

Still, I’m delighted. Following a strong start from Wijnaldum with multiple assists, Klopp pulled Jackie aside and told him that he had to outperform The Geordie Wine Gum when his chance came.

Lo and behold, Emre Can ditched the whole ‘assist’ thing and decided to go straight for the jugular, and we have two goals in two games.

I wonder if The Geordie Wine Gum will respond? Oh….

8/10

Jordan Henderson:

 

Have you ever seen someone ‘Rule The Roost’?

I’ve never seen it…until today.

I mean, I’m not even sure what a ‘Roost’ is…I believe it has something to do with nests and chickens and hay, but I’m f*cked if I can pick a ‘Roost’ out of a line-up.

What I saw today however is what I believe to be the footballing equivalent of a footballer ‘Ruling His Roost’. Jordan Henderson bestrode the midfield today like a colossus. Space/Time/Vision…it was all there, in abundance.

The weird thing is that this is becoming the norm. The young fella threatened with a trade to Fulham, the ‘Captain’ who was a ‘fraud’ (to some)…all are a distant memory.

Liverpool fans spent over a decade adoring a Captain who was the biggest personality in the team…scoring the last minute goal, making the last ditch tackle, winning the cup while making Roy of the Rovers look like a gobshite. Now they’re adapting to a new type of captain…one who does his job efficiently, excellently and better than anyone else.

Personally, I love it.

8/10.

Adam Lallana:

 

On his return from injury last week Adam seemed to be a bit off the pace…slightly below his usual effervescent self…like a glass of Alka Seltzer you poured for yourself at 2am and remembered to drink at 7am…a good idea at the wrong time….

Today he sparkled like a freshly opened bottle of San Pellegrino…and I’m done…

Two assists, setting up Can for the third and Firmino for the fourth show that Lallana is back to his best following his lay-off.

The media are beginning to swoon over the ‘Liverpool Front Three’, but they’re missing the fourth man…the fifth Beatle, if you will. Lallana is the surprise factor, the one who arrives when you think you have everything else covered. In short, he’s the pain in the hole of every other team.

9/10

 La

Philippe Coutinho: 

Dearest Philippe,

 

I’m sorry. I truly am. I admit it, I did cast an admiring eye over Eden Hazard on Saturday night. I mean, he was so…slick…swift…saucy…

However I know now that I’m a weak fool. My head is too easily turned. You’re the only one for me, and always have been. I shouldn’t have used that word when we fought on WhatsApp. I promise, from now on, I will never use the word ‘Hazard’ again…unless I’m describing my personal betting patterns.

Love you.

xxx

9/10.

Roberto Firmino

 

Roy Keane. Landsdowne Road. 2001

David Beckham. Old Trafford. 2001

Steven Gerrard. Istanbul. 2005

I’m trying to imagine what Bobby Firmnio would do if his performance evolved into one of the above…it’s frightening….

Mind you, I have a suspicion that he’s a ‘Synth’ in an extremely elaborate marketing campaign for the new series of ‘Humans’. His teeth can’t be real, surely? Then there’s his hair…It’s a clear ‘antennae’ for others to control his movement.

His sharp turns…his vision…his eye for a pass…there’s a spotty oik in the Main Stand using a PS4 controller to shape our destiny. As long as he produces more of these performances, I’m a big fan.

9/10.

Sadio Mané:

 

The most amusing aspect of Sadio’s performance is that it was totally different to what everyone thought his main role would be when we signed him.

Pace. Into Space. Running beyond the last man.

Did you see any of that today? Nah, me neither. At times Mane was dropping so deep he was collecting the ball off the defenders. The Watford defenders didn’t have a clue what to do, or what to think. How can this ‘missile’ of pace be so deep? What’s he f*cking doing?

Then he pops up to head the opener and tap in another from 5 yards out.

If you think you have Liverpool Football Club worked out…think again.

Majestic.

9/10

Substitutes:

Geordie Wine Gum:

 

You’re a solid member of the first team as the season begins, and you throw in a few assists while the team performs superbly. All is good in your world…until you pick up a minor knock and your replacement throws in two goals while your arse is picking up splinters on the bench…

So what do you do? You come off the bench and throw in your first goal for Liverpool at the Kop End.

Touché. Oh, and splendid. Over to you Emre.

8/10

Daniel Sturridge: 

 

Magnificent. Superb. Deadly. A Threat.

I’m not sure why the Anfield Faithful haven’t taken Daniel Sturridge to their hearts (if that indeed is true, but that’s what I hear), but the guy is dynamite.

Think back to the 1998/99 season when Yorke/Cole were the leading partnership for *them* but Sheringham and Solskjaer were on hand at all times. We might need that and I state here, clearly, once more, that we have THE BEST reserve striker in the Premier League…and we should worship him.

Well in Danny. xxx

8/10

Ovie Ejaria:

A Premier League debut.

In 2020 I could be digging this Rebel Rant up and re-posting it to prove ‘I was there, I was watching, I witnessed the beginning’.

Let’s hope so.

N/A

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

 

I’ve been down-playing the ‘hope’ for a few weeks now. There’ts just one problem however…

WE’RE TOP OF THE F*CKING LEAGUE…..

I’ve detailed the tough start, the reasons why we can’t, the reason why ‘hope kills us’. No longer though….

IT’S ON. LIKE DONKEY KONG.

God Speed Jurgen. 7 Months Ahead. I’m with you every step of the way.

10/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne) or on Facebook (facebook.com/rantsofarebel) If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back..