Sunderland v Liverpool: A Preview

*Burp*

Turkey. I’m sick of it. The Turkey Dinners, Turkey Sandwiches, Turkey Curry, even the bloody country. I’d refuse an all-expenses-paid two week holiday in Turkey right now (although I encourage anyone willing to test that theory to get in touch). One thing I’ll never get sick of though is football, glorious football, and Sunderland v Liverpool brings the curtain down on the Premier League for 2015.

Sunderland enter the match mired in the relegation zone and now a whopping 7 points from safety. They often say that the introduction of a new manager will give a team a ‘bounce’ in the early weeks. Sunderland and Liverpool will testify to that, but both also show that this bounce is temporary, and whatever issues lie within a team will rise to the surface once more.

This is a ball. This is what I want you to welly very hard. 

Big Sam seems to have already realised the scale of the challenge that faces him as he enters 2016. He has publicly declared that January acquisitions are the only hope his side have of avoiding relegation next May. The initial ‘bounce’ his appointment brought may well prove to be a ‘dead-cat bounce’, or a ‘dead-black-cat bounce’, or even a ‘dead-black-cat-who-are-total-shite bounce’. Harsh? Meh.

Jurgen Klopp has also identified the core issues that face his side heading into 2016, and has publicly demanded more from a number of key personnel – Benteke, Lallana, Coutinho and Firmino have been told that they need to contribute more work-rate, goals and assists starting immediately. The lack of fight and heart within the team has been questioned by many in recent weeks following poor results against the likes of Newcastle, Watford and Crystal Palace who all seemed to ‘out-battle’ the men in red.

Jordan Ibe comes into contention for Liverpool following a bout of illness. Undercooked Turkey, no doubt. However Origi, Skrtel and Milner are all still sidelined. Stifle the smirks over the last two, aye? Thanks.

Benteke is the only fit forward for Liverpool heading into this match as Jurgen Klopp insists on Sturridge proving he’s not made of crackers on the training pitch before being thrown into a full-blooded Premier League match. If Liverpool win, he’s a wise man. If they don’t he’s a dolt-headed thunder-flute. It’s a fine line…

 

The Management Class of 2015/16 – Half Term Review

 

This is a follow-up to a blog I posted in July before the season started: https://rantsofarebel.wordpress.com/2015/07/29/the-management-class-of-20152016/ which may be useful for context. 

Well that’s been an interesting term, eh? 5 of the original 20 classmates have been expelled, with another on his final, final, definitely final, final, final, warning.

Back in July the class was led by José Mourinho. He was ‘The Man’. The one we all feared, the one we all craved respect from…and now he’s gone. It’s no surprise really, as once Ms. Carneiro has it in for you, you’re a goner. We don’t really know what José did to Ms. Carneiro, and the rumours have been flying. Was he really caught behind the bike sheds with her? Did he really pour sugar in her fuel tank? Either way, she’s the real power-broker, and he’s gone. Quite a shock. His seat has been taken by a guy we had in our class a few years ago, Guus Hiddink. I like having him back ‘cos he’s got a funny name. Heh.

 

 

 

 

 

Louis Van Gaal is the student on very thin ice. He’s been a very bold boy for months now – he never does his homework, refuses to answer questions in class, gives a stare of distain to every single teacher, and he’s got a string of ‘F’s’ in his past few exams. One more bad result and he’ll be out. Everyone is secretly pleased because he’s a real weirdo…and he smells funny. Good riddance. Hopefully.

LVG has a best mate in Manuel Pellegrini. We don’t know why, but his name is missing from every list of activities and exams next year. Someone has also hung a Spanish flag on his locker and scrawled the initials ‘PG’ on it. Very odd. He’s from Chile and his initials are ‘MP’.

Arsene Wenger is still the class grump, but he’s been in good humour recently as he’s been getting some very good exam results. Every now and again though he seems to lose his mind and comes out with a horror show. Some of his textbooks and equipment are tattered and torn, but he refuses to buy new stuff. We know he has the cash, but he’s a stubborn bugger. He’s had less issues with his winter coat this year due to the mild weather.

 

 

 

 

Brendan Rodgers is no longer with us, thankfully. He just got that bit too weird to be honest. In the end he kept thinking that he was the teacher. Even when he was being shipped out, he kept yelling at us what we needed to do to improve our character.

His place in class has been taken by a German exchange student called Jurgen Klopp. He’s a really funny guy, which is unusual for a German. He’s quickly become one of the most popular boys in class, but he’s had a bit of a run-in with Pulis. Old Tony doesn’t like your flashy foreigner types. They seem to have forgotten about it…for now.

 

 

 

 

 

Ronald Koeman is still the class jock, but between your and me he’s gotten a bit flabby recently. I mean I won’t say that to his face or he’ll hang me off the nearest flagpost by my underpants, but I think he enjoyed humiliating Wenger the other day, to cement his reputation as a destroyer of nerds and professors.

Alex Neil has settled in since being transferred from Scotland. He’s quiet enough, keeps himself to himself, and we’re starting to understand his accent. He humiliated LVG with a cracking prank the other day, his best moment in class so far.

We all miss Garry Monk. An intelligent, quiet and reserved character, he was shafted and stitched up which led to his expulsion. We think Mr. Jenkins was behind it, the Welsh w*nker. He’s a bad egg that one. There’s nobody sitting in Gaz’s chair at the moment, so we’ve created a shrine to him by hanging a Monks habit off the back of his chair.

 

 

 

 

One ex-classmate we’re not sorry to see the back of is Tim Sherwood. He used to be one of the lads, a bit of a laugh, but soon after the new school term started he disappeared up his own arse, never to be seen again.

His seat has been taken by Remi Garde, who’s come from France. He’s been handed all the assignments and projects that Sherwood was working on, and now he’s working 18 hour days trying to clear up the absolute clusterf*ck that Timmy left behind. Poor Remi.

The class bully is still Slaven Bilic. The real hard man of the group, and somebody you don’t cross. He started term with a string of A+ results, but since then he’s had a few C and D results. Of course no teacher is even questioning him about that…they wouldn’t dare.

One man unafraid of Bilic, or anybody else, is Tony Pulis. Another hard man, but one that remains aloof. As previously mentioned he had a barney in the playground with new boy Klopp a couple of weeks ago, and I for one am surprised he didn’t stick the nut on the German. He’s ticking along as usual this year, and once again he’s another that you daren’t question about progress or ‘goals’.

Roberto Martinez continues to woo all the girls in school with his latin looks and ‘butter-wouldn’t-melt’ smile. He has had some problems when he was accused of supplying drink to the Year 9’s. We know he didn’t, but he got done for it…he’s unable to arrange a defence y’see.

His best mate in class is Mauricio Pochettino. Mauricio has decided this year to settle down and really concentrate on his studies, and it seems to be paying off. He looks destined to have a choice of a Top 4 College come May.

Alan Pardew is another who’s having a good year. He’s got some great results and according to latest rumours he’s allegedly slept with 4 teachers, 6 students and a labrador. Such is Alan’s way. Allegedly. I said allegedly. Alright? Allegedly.

Eddie Howe was the new boy in class last August . Nicknamed ‘The Milkybar Kid’, he was, as I predicted last July, beaten up quite regularly in the first few weeks. However he didn’t run away and tell his mommy, and he didn’t cry, so he’s earned respect from the rest of us. He’s now starting to bloody a nose or two himself. Good for him.

Steve McLaren…Oh where to start with Steve? He’s had a bit of a nightmare truth be told. He’s the butt of all jokes, he’s had an unprecedented 3,865 wedgies administered to him since August, and he still thinks he’s popular. What a flute.

Claudio Ranieri was a surprise addition to the class this year and was woefully underestimated by everyone. He’s now Top Dog would you believe. Yet again though nobody thinks it will last, particularly after the German Klopp gave him a black eye the other day. Mind you, Claudio has a little Rotweiller named ‘Vardy’ by his side at all times to protect him, a real vicious little thing. Snarly.

Mark Hughes has continued to work on changing how he’s perceived by his peers. He desperately wants us all to forget about his rough, tough combative past and take him seriously as a student with ability. He’s getting there too, it must be said. He’s got some cracking results this year, and I can see him casting an ambitious eye towards the Van Gaal seat every now and again – he wants it you know…

Dick Advocaat was finally retired from duty this year. We all thought he was leaving last summer but he was a bit afraid of the outside world. However his results were a bit sh*t…actually, they were a lot sh*t…so the choice was taken off him and he was booted out the door. Good luck Dick. Send us a postcard.

Sam Allardyce came back to replace Dick. Sam’s been a member of this class for a long time now on and off, and it’s good to have him back. True to form on his first day back he tried to sit in the José seat, then the Van Gaal seat, then the Wenger seat and finally the Pellegrini seat, until he was shown to his seat in the back left corner with the funny smell.

Finally, we have Quique Flores. He was a complete unknown last July, but we’ve all come to realise very quickly that this guy knows his onions. He was respected until he pulled Klopp’s lederhosen down and spanked his ass in front of the whole class. Now he’s feared….

So there you have it, the half-term report for the Management Class of 2015/2016. One thing’s for sure, there will be more expelled by the time the end of year report is compiled in May.

Liverpool v Leicester City: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet: You’ve been in the job for a few years now. It’s your section, your desk, your department, your responsibility. I mean, deep down you know that you’re not the greatest in the world at your job, but you do alright. Then suddenly you fall ill. A really nasty man-flu that knocks you for six. You’re feeling really sorry for yourself. You have Lempsip, you have Vicks, you have Kleenex (for legitimate, non-sordid purposes this time), and you retire to your lair to recuperate. Yet unbeknownst to you, there’s a rival settling in to your office chair, altering your arse-groove to his, catching the eye of the office beauty instead of you. The b*stard. Then, on the day of the big presentation that you can’t make, he strides in, launches the laptop, and up pops his full perverted internet history. He’s out. Forever. You return the next day to a hero’s welcome. You’re still not great, but nobody cares. You’re the man, compared to ‘him’.

Welcome back Simon. Practice those crosses once in a while, eh? Oh, and good save.

6/10.

Nathaniel Clyne: He helped to keep a clean sheet. He raided forward a bit more than he has in recent games. He linked well with Hendo in the second half, and created the space for Hendo to whip in some very dangerous crosses. Apart from that he didn’t stand out very much, but as I’ve said before, that may be a good thing from your right-back. I mean, he could be flashy, garish and waving his ‘lad’ all over Anfield, but I’d rather he kept it tucked safely away and was quietly effective (like Steve Finnan for example). If you think differently, let me know, and there are some websites I could point you towards. We all deserve pleasure at Christmas.

7/10. 

Mamadou Sakho: His second game back after his injury, and his first after the absolute mauling he received at Vicarage Road. It was also a rare start for him alongside somebody that wasn’t Martin Skrtel. This may be a key point…the centre-back partnership was extremely solid today, and barely gave the previously deadly Mahrez/Vardy partnership a sniff. I was watching this match on Setanta Sports, who had Curtis ‘St. Patricks Athletic & Middlesbrough’ Fleming as co-commentator. Oh Curtis was having conniptions (that’s a real word, look it up) at Sakho and his willingness to ‘play football’. Oh aye, anytime he opted to do anything that wasn’t a long punt up-field, or a pass back to the keeper to punt long up-field, he was tutting, sniggering and generally being a twat. Forgive me Curtis for having moved on from the 1980’s classic English (or Irish, clearly) mentality of ‘defenders can’t play football’, but they bloody well can, and they bloody well should. Mamadou did, to great effect.

8/10

Dejan Lovren: He was my Man Of The Match. Y’see, miracles can come true at Christmas! I mean, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get your PS4 from your parents who have no money, or you’re not going to get a Porsche Carrera from your husband who is a data-entry clerk, but if you close your eyes really tight, wish as hard as you can, and really, really, really want it, you can have a Liverpool player improve beyond all recognition and turn in a performance like that. He didn’t put a foot wrong all match, and nullified the threat of Vardy/Mahrez superbly. I’ve accused Martin Skrtel of ‘bottling it’ against Watford, and if he did, he could be a very sorry boy. If this partnership continues as well as it did today, he won’t be get back in the side for quite a while.

8/10.

Alberto Moreno: Once more I feel I could copy and past the Patsy Clyne rating and pass it off as that of Bertie Moreno, such is the similarity in the performance of our full-backs.

He helped to keep a clean sheet. He raided forward a bit more than he has in recent games. He linked well with Firmino in the second half, and created the space for Firmino to whip in some very dangerous crosses. Apart from that he didn’t stand out very much, but as I’ve said before, that may be a good thing from your left-back. I mean, he could be flashy, garish and waving his ‘lad’ all over Anfield, but I’d rather he kept it tucked safely away and was quietly effective. If you think differently, let me know, and there are some websites I could point you towards. We all deserve pleasure at Christmas.

Heh.

7/10.

 

Jordan Henderson:

” I hope that you have it in you to grab certain teammates by the bollox, shove them up against the wall, and roar into their faces that this isn’t f*cking good enough, with enough passion that their faces get pebble-dashed in Sunderland Spittle”

This was the end of my last review for Jordan Henderson. I’m led to believe that he heeded my advice and that is the real reason why Martin Skrtel and Lucas Leiva were absent today. That is a very tender area, in fairness. Hendo led by example this afternoon with a typical all-action performance which got better as the game progressed. Indeed during the second half he was whipping balls better than a £200 an hour dominatrix madam…at least that’s what I believe the going rate is *ahem*.

It’s fair to say that the Henderson or Milner question has been answered. I like to think that my answer of ‘F*CKING OBVIOUSLY YOU ASS-FLUTE’ would have gotten an A+.

7/10.

Emre Can: Second balls. That was the focus of my review with Emre last week. I’m not saying he’s a genetic marvel who can handle more than one woman at once (although I wouldn’t put it past him), I’m referring to the ability of Liverpool to win the ball back as soon as possible after it has been cleared. Today that facet of play was improved by exactly 147%. Don’t ask Opta, they don’t even know what that means, the amateurs. Klopp clearly sent the lads out with an explicit instruction to not let a player in a blue shirt turn in any part of the pitch outside of their defensive third. It showed. Liverpool were all over the players who typically set the Leicester breaks in motion. Emre smothered them better than a large lady with EE breasts riding Willie Carson. I’m sorry for the mental picture that has created.

7/10.

Philippe Coutinho: I have an apology to make. A couple of weeks ago, I selected Philippe in my Fantasy Football team. I’m doing well, in the top 120,000 out of more than 3,500,000. Yet as usual, as soon as I select a Liverpool player, it nullifies their ability. I thought it would be different this time, as myself and Philippe are such good mates. How can I jinx a guy I’m friends with, eh? Surely that’s not possible. Aye, sorry. My next job, ahead of the games on Monday – Wednesday, is to sell Philippe, and release him from my Fantasy Football Death Grip. I fully expect him to score two and set up two more on Wednesday against Sunderland. Of course if you use this information for your own Fantasy Football team, you’ll be to blame for any subsequent failures. Be warned.

7/10.

Adam Lallana: I was told today that you can’t play Lallana and Firmino together, behind a front-man. They’re too similar. Both love the flicks and tricks, the shimmies and…err….flimmies, the shuffles and…err…snuffles. They’re both lacking pace up front too, to run beyond the front man. On the evidence of the 1st half today, I have to agree. Lallana did shine more than Firmino during that 45′ period (my wife tells me that she’d love a 45′ period, but that’s her sense of humour), but was pretty ineffectual overall. As the team changed shape in the 2nd half, Adam continued to work hard, but to limited effect. The change in the position of Firmino in the 2nd half is probably the most positive thing Adam can take from this match. He’s still got work to do to capture the hearts of the Anfield faithful. That should probably be his New Years Resolution.

6/10.

Roberto Firmino:

“Oi Bobby, I wouldn’t be doing a ‘Thumbs-Up’ near me anytime soon, because I’ll be taking those prissy thumbs and shoving them in thumb-screws. You lethargic, half-arsed, pampered, stupid-hair, tackle-ducking, non-sweating, non-trying, overpaid, Hugh Jackman loving ASSCLOWN”

The above was my cool, calm and perfectly fair review of Bobby F last week, and again at half-time today. I was commentating on this match today (see the full match report here: http://bytheminsport.com/events/362), and I noted that I wasn’t sure that Firmino was even playing in that 1st half. He was invisible, anonymous and non-existent. However a switch in position in the 2nd half, up alongside Benteke, sparked an immediate change. He was more involved, set up the winning goal and suddenly effective. The point I made above in Lallana’s review still stands…I don’t believe that both can play behind a front-man. However, you can play Firmino up front alongside a front-man. Good to know.

7/10

Divock Origi: Oh man…what bad luck. Origi got a rare chance to lead the line for Liverpool in the Premier League, and he pulls up lame after 40 minutes. He was having a blinder too, and I am starting to believe that this kid could be the next big thing in football. He caused the Leicester defence all sorts of problems and had Wes Morgan on toast, with extra chutney. Pace, movement and all we need to see is a deadly eye for goal. I commented in the 1st half that a front-two (the new fad in football, for those of you under 16) of Origi and Sturridge excites me. They demonstrated what they could do away at Southampton in the League Cup, and I want to see more. Of course that will need all the suns, moons, stars and Kardashians to align to get them both fit at the same time.

8/10

Substitutes:

Christian Benteke: Jurgen Klopp had a ‘chat’ with Benteke this week. The details of which will remain a mystery to the national press…unless they read this blog, because I know what was said. Want to know? Alright then, as you’re such good followers, it was:

‘Christian, you’re great. I really love you. I’d like you to come over for Christmas dinner! Ha Ha Ha! You’re such a talent! You’re world class. I’ve always believed in you. Ha Ha Ha! If you don’t start scoring soon, I’ll ensure you end up replacing Lukaku at Everton for the next 10 years, winning nothing. Ha Ha Ha! You’re on your last chance already! Ha Ha Ha!

Klopp knows what he’s doing. Benteke scored the winner.

7/10.

Lucas Leiva: He came on in the 90th minute. It’s Boxing Day and I’m drunk. Feck off.

N/A

Joe Allen: 92nd minute. Feck off…again.

N/A

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: He needed a response. His ‘stats’ were being compared to Brendan Rodgers, and no new manager needs that shit. He added an attacker, he altered his tactics at the start of the match to ensure that Liverpool kept the pressure on, and it all worked, apart from actually taking the lead. In the 2nd half he adjusted again to push Bobby F up alongside Big Ben, and this also worked and created a goal.

If you haven’t seen his interview on Sky Sports (the long one), you really should. I’ve watched it and I’m convinced that the club (in playing terms) is in the right hands. He talks an amazing amount of sense, loves what he does, and he reminds me of me. In short, he’s perfect.

8/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Xxx.

Liverpool v Leicester City: A Preview

Ho Ho Holy Crap I’m dreading this match. Liverpool host the Premier League leaders, Leicester City, at Anfield on Boxing Day, as Herr Klopp looks to get his side roasting foxes on an Anfield fire (relax RSPCA, it’s an analogy), rather than leaving him red faced and less than jolly.

For the past few matches Liverpool have been gifting teams goals and points through a combination of nightmare (before Christmas) defending, and scrooge-like attacking threat. On the other hand Leicester City have been sleighing everyone before them, ensuring that everybody is tipping them for the title….oh yes they are…oh yes they are…(if you haven’t been saying ‘oh no we’re not’ there, you’ve ruined Christmas for yourself).

Look who’s back…back again…

Liverpool will ‘welcome back’ Simon Mignolet (stop groaning), who will replace Adam ‘Bloody hell he’s even worse’ Bogdan. They also have Dejan Lovren back in training and in contention to replace Martin ‘Skittery’ Skrtel who is due to be missing for a number of weeks due to post-traumatic stress disorder after his 40 minute ordeal at Vicarage Road. Should the game come too early for Lovren then Kolo ‘Ho Ho’ Toure will deputise.

Rumours are swirling around Anfield about a youth team player who could make the bench on Saturday who is showing lots of promise. Young S. Gerrard is said to have been penciled into the squad by Klopp who has been impressed by his ability in training in recent weeks.

‘Prancer’. That’s the kindest nickname I have right now.

Roberto ‘Doner (Kebab)’ Firmino and Adam ‘Prancer’ Lallana are under pressure to keep their places following less than impressive showings last time out. Divock Origi and Christian Benteke are on standby to lead the line. James ‘Milly’ Milner remains sidelined through injury.

Leicester City will be relying on more Christmas magic from Mahrez, as well as the firepower of Jamie ‘Vixen’ Vardy, who actually wrote ‘leave shit, get banged’ on his letter to Santa. Santa was going to put him on the naughty list until his elves pointed out that if you’re the top scorer in the Premier League these days you can be worse than Donald Trump and still be lauded as a hero.

Feck sake, don’t I have ENOUGH on my plate right now? 

The vast majority of LIverpool and Leicester fans will have asked for 3 points on Boxing Day, but unless Santa can change the laws of Association Football, only one set of fans can have their Christmas wish come true. However should Santa manage to arrange for both sides to get 3 points, I’m officially asking him here for € 50,000,000, a yacht, a Liverpool season ticket and Kelly Brooks phone number.

 

 

A Festive Rant

 

Hello.

If you’re reading this, you have most likely read one of my rants in the past 6 months. Over 3,000 of you have done so. This is a startling fact to me.

Firstly, I don’t know 3,000 people (I barely know 300 to be honest), so some of you reading these rants don’t actually know me.

Secondly, I’m pretty sure I don’t know people in the following countries who have also read my rants:

• Zimbabwe
• Taiwan
• Uganda
• Myanmar
• Kuwait
• Dominican Republic
• Mauritius
• Montenegro
• Finland
• Iceland
• Qatar
• Libya

If you check the list above against this picture, I will judge you…

What I do know however is that we all feel the same emotions when it comes to football, sport and life in general. How else would such a diverse group of people in an even more diverse group of countries all end up reading the same guff? The first person to say ‘algorithms’ goes straight on the naughty list…

If you celebrate Christmas, or if you don’t, why not take time to reflect on the fact that people just like you, from places you have probably never been to, have found this tiny, irrelevant blog, and enjoyed it just as you have. (I’m taking a leap here, as I’ve had no written complaints, so let’s just go with it…).

In essence, we’re all the same. So do what that lad born almost 2,016 years ago (allegedly) said (allegedly) – Look after each other. Love each other. Don’t be a dick, a twat, a flute or a gobshite. This should make the world a better place. Or not. I’m not fecking Ghandi, what do I know?

Personally I’d play Benteke to secure world peace…

So, in summary, Merry Christmas (or your cultural equivalent, if that applies), and Happy Friday (if it doesn’t). Oh, and do come back, I’ll have the usual array of previews and reviews throughout the holidays, unless I overdo it and pass out.

Ho! Ho! Holy Crap I’m Already Drunk!

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Xxx.

Watford v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Adam Bogdan: The girl next door. She’s gorgeous. I mean truly, sensationally, your-heart-skips-a-beat-whenever-you-see-her, jaw-droppingly sexy. You love her. You covet her. You cannot stop thinking about her. Alas, she is always in demand, and always has a boyfriend. They’re all assholes too. Real bad bastards.  You know they’re wrong for her, and you know that ‘you’ are the one, if only you got a chance. Just one chance….and then it happens. She has a huge row with the latest bastard on the block, and she comes to you for solace, comfort and a shoulder to cry on. This is it…the chance to be the man of her dreams. She runs towards you, tears streaming down her cheeks. You run to her, arms open, ready to give her everything she has been missing (emotionally, you pervert). Just as she is about to fall into your arms to be yours forever, you trip over your untied shoelace and nut her square in the mush. Claret everywhere. She’s unconscious, carted off to hospital, and her face needs reconstructive surgery. She’ll never look the same again. You’ve f*cked it, mate. You’ve ruined it forever. It’s over.

That’s Adam Bogdan, that is.

2/10.

Nathaniel Clyne: Nobody is going to be immune from criticism here, and that includes Patsy. In fact, I’ll go as far to say that I think he’s In-Clyned (see what I did there? Genius) to churn out the same level of performance week-in and week-out. That would be fine if they were 9/10 shows, but they’re not. They’re 6/10 shows. At best a 7/10 show. You know what a 6/10 show is? Come Dine With Me. It’s grand an’ all, but it’s not ‘The West Wing’ or ‘The Sopranos’. They’re shows that grab you by the throat and won’t let you leave until they are finished with you. We can all switch ‘Come Dine With Me’ off whenever we want, just like we can all shrug our shoulders at the display of Patsy Clyne and say ‘Meh’. This is Liverpool Football Club. ‘Meh’ is never good enough.

4/10. 

Mamadou Sakho: I missed Dejan Lovren. F*CK SAKE MAMADOU, SEE WHAT YOU JUST DID? YOU MADE ME MISS LOVREN! Yes, you were just back from injury. Yes, you showed some passion and spirit, but man-dear, you were out-muscled, out-fought and out-thought by Troy F*cking Deeney. TROY DEENEY!!!!!!!!!!! The man eats a pound of butter for breakfast, and he beasted you all over the park. I will add one more caveat to this review – you were abandoned by your CB partner in the 1st half, and that didn’t help, but I’m looking squarely at your performance, and your performance alone. It was….well, it was shit.

3/10

Martin Skrtel: BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK…you f*cking chicken-shit. Injured? Aye, suuuuuurrrreeee you were. Oooh, my hammy is gone! Ouchy! I must come off gaffer! I need to protect my fitness!

They only thing Skrtel was trying to protect was his reputation, but that was already in tatters after the mauling that he received at the hands of Ighalo and Deeney yesterday afternoon. He couldn’t physically shove them around. He couldn’t beat them in the air. He couldn’t handle their pace. He couldn’t cope. All he could do was grab hold of them and wrestle with them, and even then they were shaking him off before the ref gave a free-kick. Martin Skrtel has been at Liverpool Football Club for almost 10 years. A DECADE. Lawrenson/Hansen/Hyypia/Carragher/Yates/Smith would all be ashamed of that performance yesterday. I’m just disgusted by it. What’s the German for ‘Pack Your Bags’? Oh, it’s ‘Pack deine Taschen’.

2/10.

Alberto Moreno: At least his natural enthusiasm for life in general gave Bertie a bit more spark than the rest of the shower of shit in red yesterday. He bombed up that left flank numerous times, but yet again there was very little end product. Hang on, there was NO end product. Very little is way too generous. He’s got potential, and he’s got enthusiasm, and when the inevitable Klopp Clearance Sale starts, I hold out some hope that he stays. However if you asked me would Brad Smith have done any worse yesterday, I’d have to say probably not. When your place is under threat from an untried, untested young left-back, you know you need to buck up your ideas. Just ask José Enrique about Flanno. Aye, even when Flanno was out for 18 months with injury, José still couldn’t get his place/pride/reputation back.

4/10.

Lucas Leiva: What the clusterf*cking hell was going on with Lucas yesterday? For the first 40 minutes he was the invisible man, doing a poor imitation of Joe ‘Jesus Christ’ Allen on his worst day, and then he gets shoved into Centre Back? I’ll deal with that question later, but even so, this performance was back to the ‘Oh Lord, it’s Lucas’ days that we have had too many of over the past few years. On your day mate, you can be superb, and up until recently you had got your groove back. However the level and speed of regression is staggering. Have you been to see Keith Barry recently perchance? Did he hypnotise you into thinking you were a top class DM? Maybe you did, and it was all going swell until James Milner was listening to some Frank Sinatra on the team coach and snapped his fingers while ‘swinging to the groove’…and now you’re back to being shit. Shame.

3/10.

Jordan Henderson: The accuracy and variation of Hendo’s long passing was impressive, about the only thing that caught the eye (in a positive sense – I was blinded by what caught my eye in a negative sense) yesterday. Time and again you pinged a raking 40 yard pass from left to right or right to left, and invariably they were bang on the money. It’s a pity that you may as well have passed them to me in my living room for all the fecking good it did, but that’s not really your fault. Your passion and commitment to the cause is going to be needed, and I hope that you have it in you to grab certain teammates by the bollox, shove them up against the wall, and roar into their faces that this isn’t f*cking good enough, with enough passion that their faces get pebble-dashed in Sunderland Spittle.

5/10.

Emre Can: Well that’s that debate settled then. Many Liverpool fans (I include myself in this) thought that we had a real beast on our hands – a man that can, and will, win every physical tussle, who will brush aside opponents with disdain and ensure that Liverpool control the middle of the park for a decade to come. Yeah, that’s not true. He tried, alongside Henderson, but he was another who got bullied off the ball over and over again. The stark difference I found between the sides yesterday was the amount of times that Watford won the ‘second ball’. After the initial challenge, whenever the ball squirted loose, it was a player in Yellow and Red that was anticipating it and winning it. Jackie should be winning the initial battles, but he should certainly be snapping around for the second ball. He did neither yesterday.

4/10.

Philippe Coutinho: Hang on, did Coutinho play yesterday? Really? He was on that pitch? For the full 90 minutes? Get to f*ck, you’re pulling my leg. No way. Nah, I’m not falling for it. He was? H.O.L.Y. S.H.I.T. What was he doing? Meditating?

3/10.

Adam Lallana: A common theme arising from this capitulation at Vicarage Road is that Liverpool lack ‘characters’. Players who can grab a game by the scruff of the neck, who can lead their team into a tough away match and ensure they don’t do anything stupid and make them hard to beat. Players who, when the chips are down, will put it all on the line to try and turn it around. Liverpool fans know players like that when they see them. They’ve seen enough over the years. I know what I see in Lallana, and it’s none of the above. I feel his ‘character’ is best summed up by an incident in the first half, when defending a corner. He was on ‘first man’ duty at the near post. The corner was whipped in, and it was poor. It wasn’t high enough to beat the first man – in fact it wasn’t high enough to get over hip height of the first man. Yet there was Adam, performing what can only be described as an effete ‘skip’, wafting his right leg at the ball like a conductor wafts his hand at the string section in the Royal Albert Hall. The ball then careers towards the Liverpool goal, in-swinging between the posts, and was only just kept out by a flapping Bogdan.

Dearest Adam, that’s just BOLLOX. How f*cking DARE you do that in a Liverpool shirt. That may be one ‘incident’, but that sums up a player in my book. Would Gerrard have done that? Souness? Carragher? Would they f*ck. They’d have taken the leather (or plastic, or silicone or whatever the hell is on the balls these days) off the cover off that ball by wellying it 100 yards away from our goal. I could take a cheap-shot at you and say that the Nivea cream has made you soft, but that would be a cheap-shot at Nivea. You were never hard to begin with.

2/10.

Roberto Firmino: Oi Bobby, I wouldn’t be doing a ‘Thumbs-Up’ near me anytime soon, because I’ll be taking those prissy thumbs and shoving them in thumb-screws. You lethargic, half-arsed, pampered, stupid-hair, tackle-ducking, non-sweating, non-trying, overpaid, Hugh Jackman loving ASSCLOWN.

2/10

Substitutes:

Jordon Ibe: He had 15′ to do something. He didn’t. I don’t blame him as much as the others, but you might be surprised to find out that I’m in a bad mood. Therefore he gets a 4.

4/10.

Divock Origi: A very faint light in a tunnel of darkness at Vicarage Road. I thought he looked lively when he came on, and he certainly caused Watford more problems on his own than the ‘Dynamic Trio’ who started ahead of him. He’s clearly our best option up front right now, and that makes me weep bitter, salty, alcoholic (well, ’tis the season) tears.

5/10.

Christian Benteke: He had a 15′ window, when his side was 2-0 down, to try and rescue a point. He cost £32,000,000.00. We sent for a hero. We got a zero. About as effective as me chatting up Mila Kunis – a total blow out.

3/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: In my last review, I wrote the following when reviewing Herr Klopp

“We’ve reached the end of the ‘Honeymoon Period’ at Anfield, and from now on it’s going to get critical…in every sense of the word….”

I f*cking hate it when I’m right like that. Not only has the honeymoon period ended, but we’ve just had our first big fight. He’s been told to go sleep on the couch, and he’s fecking staying there until he makes me believe that he’s truly sorry for upsetting me like that. Lucas to CB for an hour? Really? Lallana & Firmino up front away to a team that you know (or should know) are about as physical as it gets? On a shit pitch? And WHAT the f*ck is your infatuation with wind? You should come over to my house on Christmas Day after I’ve had my Brussel Sprouts…you’d have a ball, you freak. The league leaders come to Anfield on Boxing Day Jurgen. It’s my favourite day of the year (Christmas Day sucks ass, you can all admit it – there’s no sport on for a start), so you’d better not ruin it for me. A win on Saturday and I’ll love you again. I promise.

7/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Xxx.

Watford v Liverpool: A Preview

The John Barnes Derby

Watford host Liverpool at Vicarage Road in the lunchtime Super Sunday kick-off, as the reds pack their bags to embark on a road-trip that would make Magellan* jealous. Try saying that quickly after 6 pints.

Five of the next six matches for Liverpool will be away from Anfield, as they clock up the air-miles on a journey that will take in glamourous locations including Watford, Sunderland, Stoke and Exeter. Rumours that the players are going to use their air-miles for a group holiday in Disneyland next summer cannot be confirmed nor denied.

The Liverpool Squad Depart Anfield

Liverpool face a Hornets’ side that are in superb form, sitting in seventh in the Premier League table, and a point above the Reds. The strike partnership of Ighalo and Deeney has been likened to many of the worlds great double acts – Ginger Rogers & Fred Astaire, Anthony & Cleopatra and not forgetting Pinky & The Brain. Martin Skrtel and Co. will need to keep these two quiet to have any chance of coming away with the three points on Sunday.

Ighalo & Deeney. Wait, hang on…

Liverpool’s away league form under Klopp has been undermined by that horror-show on Tyneside. Prior to that, they had secured two wins and a draw with away games at Spurs, Chelsea and Manchester City – an impressive run of form. Klopp will be hoping that his team revert to the type of performances they produced at Stamford Bridge and The Etihad.

Klopp must once more prepare for the game without Daniel Sturridge, who continues to recover from a hamstring strain. The emergence of Origi as a genuine threat will serve as some relief to the German, however the form of Benteke will make his Sauerkraut taste that bit more…well…sour.

Mmmm…Sauerkraut

Does Klopp dare bench his £32,000,000 front-man? The return to fitness of Philippe Coutinho will be key. Coutinho could supply the ammo for Benteke to thrive on, or he could replace the big man and form one-third of the mobile front-three that caused Chelsea and City so many problems recently.

With Liverpool just 5 points outside the Top 4, a run of victories could place them in a strong position heading into the new year. Liverpool fans will be hoping the show of ‘togetherness’ displayed after the final-whistle last Sunday will be replicated on the pitch against an opponent in superb form. I suspect they’ll need it.

*Magellan was the first man to take a round-the-world cruise.

Liverpool v West Brom: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet: Oh you thundering, clusterf*cking, w*ankstaining, frustrating, dream-shattering, Belgian waffle-eating arsehole. You gave West Brom a goal. YOU GAVE THEM A GOAL. Do you have any idea how hard it is to score a goal against West Brom? It’s rarer than rocking-horse shit. This was classic, vintage Tony Pulis. We ended up scoring two which is a pretty decent achievement if you compare that against how many goals West Brom have conceded away from home this season. Of course if you do that, you have to look at how many they have scored away from home this season, and that’s where we have the problem. Their second goal? Quality ball, quality goal. I make allowances for that. However the first goal? YOU F*CKING BELLEND.

5/10.

Nathaniel Clyne: Any chance we can dabble in the science lab in the near future? I’d like to splice the DNA of Glen Johnson and Patsy Clyne, and try the following: Take the attacking ability, final ball, eye for a pass from Glen Johnson, and implant it into the DNA of Clyne. That’s what he’s missing. When he gets forward as much as he did today against a team sitting deeper than the Titanic on the sea-bed, we need a viable threat to cause them problems. He didn’t provide that today. He’s solid at the back, which is an improvement on the aforementioned Glen Johnson, but that X-Factor is missing. Speaking of which, if those ‘Jedward-wannabe’ tits win tonight, they need to close the c*nt. Immediately.

6/10. 

A

Dejan Lovren: Oh Dejan. Poor Dejan. Get well soon. It’s not nice to have your leg amputated by an opponent on the pitch, but I’m hoping that the advancement in medical science should have you back on the pitch in the next couple of months. It’s unfortunate for you too that Mamadou is back in training this week. You’ve done very well when given the chance, and when you recover you’ll have a lot more goodwill from LFC fans in the future. Clearly that Gardner b*stard should have had a red card, a massive fine, a 3-year prison sentence and a 3-hour waterboarding session, but we’ll work out something else instead. Sleep with one eye open Craig.

7/10

Martin Skrtel: The truth is out there. That’s what Mulder and Scully said in the 90’s, and it’s as true today as it was then. The truth is that Martin is not going to be the CB of choice for Herr Klopp when push comes to shove, when his Santa list is delivered to the North Pole, and when a truth serum is injected into his veins. He’s decent, but decent doesn’t cut it at Anfield I’m afraid. Was Carra decent? Was Sami? Hansen? Lawrenson? Martin has been a faithful servant, but then again so are many dogs, and while we may shed a tear when they are euthanised, we move on pretty quickly.

6/10.

Alberto Moreno: Quiet. Very quiet. Got forward a few times on the left, and delivered some quality balls into the box. His threat on the left was actually far more than Clyne on the right, but the balance of attacks on each flank was 2:1 in the wrong ratio. I know that’s mathematical, and I have been drinking, so you’ll have to work it out for yourself. I’d like to point you towards Pythagoras – that bugger seems to be the answer to everything in maths. Langer.

7/10.

James Milner: How the motherf*cking hell did this man stay on the pitch for the full 90 minutes? I mean, he’s like the big bad wolf, isn’t he? He huffs, and he puffs, but he never blows the fecking house down. I reckon he’s like David Cameron – he doesn’t want to destroy the pigs house, he wants to f*ck the pig instead. That’s the only explanation. I genuinely thought that when Hendo was back, he’d slip onto the bench, but instead he stays instead of Lucas, one of our best performers this season…he’s got incriminating picks of Ian Ayre…at a swingers club, shifting Delia Smith. *shudder*

5/10.

Jordan Henderson: Oh Captain, my Captain. An incredible performance from Hendo, which seemed to be a live, living, real-time tribute to the last long-term Anfield Captain. His goal was incredibly similar to ‘him’. Alas, so was some of his passing in the final third for the rest of the match. Too many times he tried the ‘Hollywood’ ball, when a continuation of the incessant pressure would more than likely have led to an erosion of the rearguard facing us. Still, it’s great to have him back though, and in a single 90-minute performance, he’s proved that he’s 450% more useful than James Milner.

7/10.

Emre Can: Fast-becoming a crucial part of this team. His energy and drive in the middle of the park was superb, and I believe that his performance was the best of the day among those in red. He was constantly composed, always ready to step in when West Brom threatened, and showed his versatility when he stepped in as CB after the injury to Lovren. That versatility allowed Klopp to throw on Divock Origi instead of Kolo Toure, and, well, the result speaks for itself….

8/10.

Philippe Coutinho: Man dear, it’s superb to have him back. In the first half, he showed instantly what we’ve been missing for the past few weeks. He single-handedly drags the team forward by about 10 yards, and the trust that his teammates have in him allow them to bomb forward to support his potential flicks, tricks and…err…kicks. Aye, that’s family-friendly. He flagged in the second half, understandably, but his absence and his subsequent return has proved beyond any doubt (although if you doubted this you’re clearly a moron) that Philippe is crucial to any and all LFC ambitions this season.

7/10.

Adam Lallana: S.H.O.U.L.D.    H.A.V.E.     S.C.O.R.E.D.

6/10.

Christian Benteke: Oh Christ, Christian. What the hell are we going to do with you, eh? If Sturridge wasn’t made of crackers, and if Danny Ings wasn’t broken…you’d be creating a fine arse groove on the Anfield bench for the foreseeable future. I mean…you don’t make a darting move into the box when it’s needed…you give out when a teammate doesn’t pick out one of our 1/100 runs…you sometimes hold up the ball…you don’t give the other team a major headache…you get in the way of your own keeper at corners (that’s harsh, but I’m annoyed)…Origi is emerging Ben…

5/10

Substitutes:

Jordon Ibe: No longer a teenager. That means I can tear strips off him without feeling bad. You’re a big boy now Jordon…but in fairness, you made a difference. I particularly liked the big deep breath you took as you entered the action – it showed that footballers feel nerves too, even just coming off the bench. You’ve got a huge career in front of you kid. Keep your head down, your arse up, and the rest will take care of itself. Oh, and practice that left-foot shooting, aye?

7/10.

Divock Origi: Bonnie Tyler sang ‘I need a hero’ once upon a time. Liverpool need an attacking hero this season, and I think we may have found one. Following up on his hat-trick at Southampton, and his ‘impressive’ (according to Herr Klopp) run-out in Sion, Divock was sprung off the bench, and he rescued a valuable point for the team deep in injury-time. It’s a cliché, but it’s true…if you don’t buy a ticket, you can’t win the raffle. Well, if I were you Divock, I’d enter the Euromillions drawn next Tuesday mate. Cheers!

7/10.

Roberto Firmino: Alright, I’ll level with you. I forgot he came on. That’s how much impact he had. Enough said.

5/10

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: He’s one hell of a cheer-leader, innee? I’m tempted to make him some pom-poms and ship them to Anfield next week. I don’t think I’d like to see him in a short skirt though. His insistence with Benteke, and his reluctance to pair Philippe and Bobby F together puzzles me, but his enthusiasm wins me over every time. We’ve reached the end of the ‘Honeymoon Period’ at Anfield, and from now on it’s going to get critical…in every sense of the word….

7/10.

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Xxx.

FC Sion v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet: Madman. Total and utter loon. Space cadet. This isn’t a personal dig at Migs, this should be applied to all goalkeepers, the oddballs. Last night was the perfect example of why this breed of people should be viewed with suspicion. It was cold. Very cold. Freezing in fact. The pitch was freezing, the coaches were freezing, the fans were freezing, and yet Migs voluntarily took to the filed in football gear and pretty much stood there with nothing to do for over an hour and a half. In our last Europa League match he held onto the ball for over 20 seconds and cost us a goal. I’m astonished that didn’t happen last night…after all, he would surely have been struggling to ‘Let It Go’ as he was ‘Frozen’. Sorry….

7/10.

Nathaniel Clyne: I’ve got nothing bought for Christmas yet. Nothing. Nada. Nichts. It’s playing on my mind I must admit, with two weeks to go, and yet under it all I have a peaceful serenity, knowing that in the end it’ll be alright. I don’t know exactly how it will be alright, or how everything will get done, but I just ‘know’ that it will. I feel exactly the same about Patsy in fairness. When he takes to the field I just ‘know’ everything will be alright down his flank. No idea how or why, just that it will. It was last night. See?

7/10.

Dejan Lovren: Three months ago, Dejan was firmly on the ‘naughty’ list heading into Christmas. He was going to get a lump of coal, a bag of soot, a dinner with Katie Hopkins and f*ck all else. Yet Dejan has been a very, very good boy recently and slowly but surely he has worked his way onto the ‘nice’ list. So for Christmas Dejan has asked Santa for a Scalextric, a PS4, Jurassic World Lego and an ACL injury for Mamaodou Sakho. Hang on…Dejan, you naughty, naughty boy….

7/10.

Kolo Toure: This match would have done KOLO the world of good. When a gentleman gets to a certain vintage, he starts to feel the effects of physical activities more than he did when he was a mere whippersnapper of a man (I’m referring to football, not the horizontal jive you sicko). We’ve seen KOLO come a cropper more than once this season with injuries that he would have shaken off in his heyday. Yet playing a full match in these conditions was akin to a session in the Cryogenic Chamber for KOLO, and I fully expect him to remain uninjured for the rest of the season, keep Martin Skrtel out of the team, and lift the Premier League trophy next May. By the way, this bottle of brandy is lovely….

7/10.

Brad Smith: Strewth! Young Brad had a flamin’ bonzer game on the left, racing up and down that flank like a ‘Roo on Red Bull. The flamin’ gallah needed to keep warm mind, as he was playing in conditions that would keep the shrimp frozen, even on the Barbie. The space he got during the first half in particular was right up his (Ramsey) street, and with cover and support from his neighbours Milner and Lovren, he caused Sion all kinds of strife. He was trickier than Paul Robinson, showed more maturity than Alf Stewart and some of his moves were sexier than  Charlene bent over a car bonnet. She was a mechanic…for f*ck sake.

8/10.

Jordan Henderson: Look who’s back. Back again. Hendo’s back. Tell a friend. Now, would the real Liverpool captain please stand up? You could easily lose yourself in the confusion of having Hendo and Milner on the pitch together. Hendo of course will be shouting at everyone in the dressing room that the team were suffering ‘without me’. This Liverpool team without Hendo are not the real deal though, are they? Very much like Toy Soldiers in fact. Some people have contacted me and said they don’t think that Jordan is that important for Liverpool. God, I love the way you lie.

7/10. 

James Milner: As Christmas party season is upon us, it’s time to review those that you work or study with to see who will fulfill the necessary roles at the biggest (dullest) party of the year. The drunk. The lech. The flirt. The dancer. The comedian. The Milner. I guarantee you that every single party will have a ‘James Milner’. He’ll be reasonably popular with everyone on the night, but will never be the centre of attention or the best friend of anyone. He’ll be the sensible one that will calm everyone down as it gets too raucous. If a bouncer has someone in a headlock and is about to chuck them out of a window, Milner will talk to him softly and coax the bouncer into letting him go. He’ll then ensure that everyone has a taxi or bus home, before he himself departs the scene, alone, and has a nice cup of Ovaltine before bed. You shouldn’t scoff at this, every party needs a James Milner. Does Liverpool Football Club? Now THERE’S a question…

7/10

Emre Can: Jackie is a very popular member of the first team squad. He’s young enough to be cool and hip (using those words show how old I am by the way). He’s one of the lads, despite looking like one of those male models you see in the window of a hairdressers. Yet there are some issues that the rest of the squad have with Emre. He’s German, and speaks the same language as the gaffer. Naturally he will have some conversations in training in German with Herr Klopp, that nobody else will understand. This makes the other lads nervous. What are they saying? Are they discussing the merits of ‘gegenpressing’? If so, why can’t they ever hear the words ‘gegenpressing’? Or are they discussing the other lads in the squad? Their performance…their ability…cue paranoia. And then there’s the Christmas party. As popular as Emre is with the lads, would Flano or Skrtel really want their wives to sit at the same table all night with Emre Can? Tall, dark and handsome? Would they feck. There may be trouble ahead…

7/10.  

Adam Lallana:

F – estive

R – aconteur

O – ptimistic for 2016

Z – any Prankster

E – ggnog Enthusiast

N – utmeg (In The Christmas Pudding & On The Pitch)

7/10.

Roberto Firmino: Have you ever noticed how Bobby F resembles a Christmas Elf? No? Just me? Righto.

7/10.

Divock Origi: Go with your head lad. No, not the advice you get when first out on the tiles in Glasgow, this is my advice to Divock the next time a ball is whipped in from the left. In fact there were a few occasions when Origi tried to score with his foot despite the ball being between 4′ and 6′ in the air. I mean, his hair is nice but not spectacular, so he’s not protecting that, right? His fellow Belgian front-men are both decent with the head, so maybe he’s trying to be ‘different’ from Benteke and Lukaku? I don’t know. All I do know is that if he tries those high volleys when he’s 10 years older, he’ll do himself a mischief.

7/10. 

Substitutes: 

Philippe Coutinho: He travelled. He came on. He didn’t seem to hurt himself. He’s going to start against West Brom. Merry Christmas.

7/10.

Jordan Rossiter: Another returning from injury, and he now adds to what is amounting to a solid set of options in midfield. We’re sorted for a deep long run in the Europa League with Rossiter, Lucas, Allen, Can, Henderson and Milner. *Swoon*

7/10.  

Cameron Brannagan: Old Jurgen is a big fan of the injury-time pointless substitution, isn’t he? Yet another. Rating? Get tae feck.

N/A.

Manager: Jurgen Klopp

 

We have on our hands a manager who can assemble a team that can dazzle, and who can assemble a team that can kill with boredom. That’s a handy trick to have up your sleeve. You can’t win EVERY game the same way…isn’t that right Brendan? And yes, I have given every single player the same rating (except young Brad who did catch the eye), as sod all happened, and I lost the will to live. I may or may not have been a little distracted by recording a ByTheMinSport.com podcast that will be released soon, and needs to be heard to be believed. Seriously. It’s….yeah, it’s unique.

7/10

Note: If you enjoy the guff on this blog, you can find me on Twitter (@NiallHawthorne). I’m also regularly contributing to ByTheMinSport.com. Finally I’m a co-host for the best weekly Premier League Podcast in the whole world – @ByTheMinEPL Podcast, which can be found on the website. If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Xxx.

Liverpool v West Brom: A Preview

Liverpool look to demonstrate their ‘bounce-back-ability’ in the Premier League on Sunday when they host West Bromwich Albion at 4pm.

Liverpool fans are hoping that the team will develop a ‘not-slipping-up-any-more-ability’. I’m sure that wish will be frantically scribbled onto many Santa letters in the coming days, along with their wish that Daniel Sturridge will last longer than an hour and a half in between long injury lay-offs. Mind you, there’s only so much Santa can do…

West Brom come to Anfield, and on the face of it, they seem to be in mixed form:

However they have played Leicester City, Manchester United and Spurs in that run of games, and they also made mincemeat of Arsenal, so 8 points should be considered quite the achievement.

Liverpool of course have been in sparkling form since the arrival of Jurgen Klopp, but this ‘sparkle’ now resembles a vomit-covered glitterball the morning after the debauched Xmas party, which was invaded by hordes of uninvited Geordies. In fact their recent league form doesn’t shine as brightly as all the Wise Men have been proclaiming following their demolitions of Chelsea, Manchester City and Southampton:

Liverpool have been devastating when they have been able to press their opponents high up the pitch, and counter-attack with pace. However West Brom are likely to come to Anfield and sit deep with a well-organised defence, so the likes of Benteke, Origi and Firmino may find that they have no room to operate in.

West Brom will look to keep it stable at the back and use the pace and power of Rondon on the break. The Venezuelan may once have been considered a donkey in his early matches for West Brom, but he is now very much their shining star leading them to Premier League safety.

The return to fitness of Philippe Coutinho could prove to be a timely gift for Klopp, who will require his little Brazilian genius to break down the organised defence they’re sure to encounter. Coutinho was in superb form before his untimely injury, with starring roles against Chelsea and Manchester City leading some Liverpool fans to proclaim him as their new messiah.

Liverpool will be desperate for the win to keep in touch with their top-four rivals, as they now sit six points off the pace. In such a topsy-turvy season, any consistency could see Klopp’s men enter the new year with new-found resolution.