The Life Of A Football Fan – Or Oddball?

Football fans. Real football fans. Close your eyes. Picture them. What do you see? The loud, obnoxious, boorish lout smashing up a town centre? A nerdy geek who knows every single stat about every single player ever? The dribbling simpleton who is incapable of speaking about anything other than football?

Yeah, some of us are like that, it’s true. Yet so many of us are not. In fact, I’d argue that the silent majority of us are completely different to the images portrayed above. So who are we? What defines us? What makes us who and what we are?

I first got into football around age 8. I have the briefest memories of the 1982 World Cup, but not enough to convince myself I actually got it at the age of 5. I do remember the 1985 FA Cup Final though, and the 1986 World Cup was the defining moment in my football life. That Quarter-Final between Brazil and France captured me in a way that nothing has before or since. The fact that the colours were so vivid, the sun was so bright, the football was superb, the match was so dramatic and yet there was something else….I can’t put my finger on it, a certain je ne sais quoi about that game. I didn’t know the players really. I was aware that the Zico lad was a big deal, and the Platini fella seemed important, but those details didn’t matter to me. This was just magic.

I may be outing myself as being a real oddball here, but ever since, I have found that I am able to track my life through football matches. Should I ever have a near-death experience (and with Dejan Lovren playing for Liverpool, that may be any day now, the heart-attack inducing muppet), then the events of my life will be mingled with the football matches that occurred around the same time:

1986 – I was on a trip with the Cub Scouts in Mount Mellary, and word spread around the dorm room that Dalglish had won the league for Liverpool.

1987 –  I remember that our living room was dark as we closed the curtains to keep the beautiful sunny day from shining a glare on the screen. Liverpool lost the League Cup Final to Arsenal. It was the first time that Ian Rush had scored for Liverpool and then lost the match. My Dad was an Arsenal fan. Our relationship was never the same again.

1988 – I was in my neighbour’s house to watch the FA Cup Final. I have no idea why. I cried. I really cried. Life was truly cruel to me for the very first time. The Crazy Gang beat The Culture Club, and I struggled to cope. My Dad told me that there was always next year, and luckily for him, he was right. I can’t say that to my kids anymore.

1988 – I was home alone. My family had gone out as a relative had a car malfunction, and needed help. Ireland beat England at Euro ’88. I was excited and pleased, but I didn’t really get the significance. I was in my cousin’s house when Ronnie Whelan ‘shinned’ one in against Russia. I was in a neighbour’s house when Holland knocked us out. Yet another living room with the curtains drawn. I remember at least 3 grown men swearing openly in front of me for the first time.

1989 – The family house was gutted by fire (everyone was OK thankfully) in May. That was upsetting. However, I distinctly remember crying a lot more when Michael Thomas appeared in my life a week later.

1990 – I was a proud ‘Full-Kit Wanker’ as Italia 90 sprang to life. I was 13 too, and should have been old enough to know better. I still cringe at the thought. The Westpark Hotel was the venue for the greatest football time of my life. England/Egypt/Holland/Romania/Italy. Sheedy/Quinn/Bonner/O’Leary. Legends. If you weren’t in Ireland at that time, you will never understand what happened in this country. It will never happen again. Hundreds of people crammed into a function room, curtains drawn (naturally), a LARGE TV in the corner (how sophisticated). We had to get there 3 hours before kick-off just to get a good seat. No way were we watching any of this at home.

1994 – The day my Leaving Certificate finished (the Irish equivalent of the A Levels), was the day USA ’94 kicked off. I believe in fate and destiny ever since. It was meant to be.

1998 – Every man remembers fondly when he had that ‘purple patch’ as a single man. When every chat-up line worked, and you were bullet-proof. Yeah, France ’98 was that time for me. I scored more than Ronaldo (the fat one). Glory days.

2000 – A year in Australia. A scramble to see Liverpool all over that continent. I left the Sydney Mardi Gras to watch Liverpool at Old Trafford (with THAT Patrick Berger free-kick). I still don’t regret it. 4am in the lobby of a hostel in Perth with 10 or so other ‘football fans’ to see Liverpool lose at Arsenal (Lauren, you b*stard). Watching England blow a 2-goal lead v Portugal at 3am is an experience I will never forget.

2001 – A call to tell me that a close relative had passed away. Liverpool were losing away at Bolton after Westerveld had dropped a clanger. You might say this is insensitive, I’m just telling you what was happening when the call came through. I admit I was upset at the news, but also at the timing of the news….

2002 – Happily co-habitating with herself and child. Hangovers at 11am. Japan/Korea, Saipan, Keano x 2. Madness.

2005 – First house. The Road To Istanbul. First Confession for my eldest was the night of the 2nd leg for Liverpool v Leverkusen. Forgive me father, for I sinned throughout that evening, swearing that I couldn’t watch, and praying to you for a Milan Baros goal. You must have heard me though.

2005 – Marriage. Honeymoon. Finding Real Betis v Liverpool on the TV in a Los Angeles hotel room. I’m not saying THAT was the highlight, but I think you get my point. If you’re a real football fan you will.

2008 – Second child arrives. The first time I ever made him cry was when Stevie G lashed home a late winner at home to Middlesbrough in August at Anfield. He was 4 months old. I woke him with a yelp that could not be contained. I should feel guilty. I don’t. No, he’s not called Steven, or Stevie, or Gerrard, or anything like that.

2014 – Killarney. Weekend away with herself. Romantic. Liverpool 5-1 Arsenal. Carlsberg don’t do weekends, but if they did….

I believe that this is what makes a true football fan. It’s not just a game, or a hobby, or an interest. It’s part of us. It’s with us always, when real life is good and when real life kicks you in the crotch…and THAT is why each of those moments in my life detailed above are accompanied by memories of football matches. When I was feeling up, football helped me soar into ecstasy. When I was feeling down, it was always there for me. It’s a crutch in many ways – an outlet to get away from it all when required. That’s why summers without a European Championship or a World Cup are so damn scary.

Let me know what you think – am I like you, or am I the oddball I feared I would be at the start of this article? Don’t leave a brother hanging here…

Liverpool v Bournemouth (League Cup Special): LFC Player Ratings

Adam Bogdan: Adam is a very brave man. Fearless, in fact. Any man who is that ginger, and chooses to grow more ginger facial hair, has to be admired for his self-confidence. It’s this level of self-confidence that was evident last night as Adam had a fine game, didn’t put a foot wrong, and made an outstanding save early in the game from The Cherries first attack. Claimed every cross, good distribution, and didn’t he look well in that kit? I like that kit. Why doesn’t Migs wear that kit more often? 8/10.

Dejan Lovren: Look who’s back…back again…Dejan’s back…Tell a friend…Dejan’s back, Dejan’s back, Dejan’s back, Dejan’s back, Dejan’s back, Dejan’s back, Dejan’s back…nanananana…Marshall Mathers would struggle to rouse himself to proclaim the comeback of Dejan Lovren. Yet the big Croat wanted people to notice he was back (apparently we’re all so used to the clusterf*cks that we might not notice those), so he wore luminous yellow boots. It worked. I noticed Dejan Lovren. My counsellor is delighted – we’re now booked for another 9 sessions. Cheers Dejan. 5/10. 

Kolo Toure: Oh KOLO, You are a broken man. Not literally. You’re actually a broken man. This season you have hobbled off the pitch 3 times, and I’m sure I only recall you starting 3 games (I’m not a stats nerd, so if that’s incorrect, you are one). Your hamstring decided to twang early in the first half, and as a result you left us with that most frightening of sights, just three days before Halloween – a CB pairing of Skrtel and Lovren. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is no joke Kolo. My counsellor is rubbing his hands with glee. 5/10.

Connor Randall: Meet Connor Randall. He looks a nice chap, eh? But look at those eyes…look deeper. See? The eyes of a killer. A cold-blooded assassin. I know these are scurrilous accusations, but I have proof. Last night, Connor Randall carried out a ‘hit’. He assassinated the LFC career of a Mr. J. Enrique, who is believed to be of Spanish origins. Mr. Enrique had been hoping to get a chance at full-back under the new manager, due to the lack of depth in the LFC squad in the full-back roles. However, Mr. C. Randall stood up last night and plunged a dagger deep into the heart of Mr. Enrique, all the while smiling that lovely cheeky smile. That’s cold, Connor. Stone cold. Great performance though. Good to have you on board kid! 8/10. 

Nathaniel Clyne: Patsy was the match-winner. While playing in an unfamiliar role. Playing yet another match this season. Playing alongside Lovren/Kolo/Skrtel and in front of Bogdan. The man is nothing short of miraculous. His goal is also further evidence of what Herr Klopp wants from this team. PUSH UP AND STAY UP. This was a slick, quick attacking move by Liverpool, featuring the centre-forward and two attacking midfielders. Who was furthest forward to score? Yep, the left-back. I like this. I like this a lot. 9/10.

Cameron Brannagan: Neat. Tidy. Organised. Solid. Composed. Aware. All positive traits for a young player making a rare start. Now take these traits and recognise that he achieved them when playing alongside Joe Allen. Yeah, good work Cameron. Very good work. 7/10.

Joe Allen: Joe got a cuddle from Jurgen at full-time on the pitch. He seemed to be uncomfortable with the cuddle, if truth be told. He seemed to be squirming, wanting to get out of the clutches of the hirsute German. It seemed odd. Jurgen seemed to be congratulating him for completing the full 90 minutes, for contributing to his first win, for avoiding a second yellow card and for staying on the pitch. But no….Jurgen was not giving him love. He was whispering ‘I know who you are now. That beard no longer fools me. You’re Joe Allen. I know about you. I know what you’re like. I know….’. Poor Joe. 6/10.

Jordon Ibe: Welcome back Jordon Ibe! He’s free! Free from the mental prison that Brendan Rodgers had enslaved him in. This poor young man had been robbed of his innocence. His spontaneity. His soul. Jurgen has now set him free! Rejoice! Ibe was asked to play on the right of the 3 attacking midfielders behind Origi. That was it. Nothing complicated. No convoluted roles to ponder. Get at ’em, press ’em, run past ’em, find a teammate, and enjoy yourself. It’s the happiest I’ve seen Jordon in a long time, and he played superbly too. His flicked pass to release Connor Randall in the second half made me groan…in the way Kelly Brook makes me groan (in my dreams)…8/10.

Roberto Firmino: I hate people who say ‘I told you so’. I really do. That’s because it’s rarely me. Today it is me, so hang on to your hats ladies and gentlemen: I TOLD YOU SO. See the following extract from my last but one blog:

“POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL MOMENT ALERT: If Philippe doesn’t start upping his contribution (by that I mean effective assists/goals), his position in this team is under threat. Today, when the LFC squad was seriously depleted by injury, all eyes were on Philippe to step up and put in the kind of performance required to lead the team through tough times. It didn’t happen (again). He’s an undoubted talent, with flicks, tricks, shimmies and goals that sometimes take the breath away. However the key word there is ‘sometimes’. He needs to deliver consistently or else he’s in danger of being moved out of the team for someone less ‘flashy’ but more dynamic for this new team. The pressure is on Phillipe, time to deliver.

Roberto Firmino is fit again. I’ll just leave that thought with you for a while”

Yeah, so Bobby F is fit. He was played at No. 10. He was Man Of The Match. He was outstanding. The pressure is on young Coutinho more now than at any time in his LFC career. Football, eh? Bonkers. 9/10.

Joao Teixeira: A rare sighting of a player that has, for the past 9 years, been ‘the next big thing’ to break through into the Liverpool first team. Alright, 9 years is an exaggeration, but it feels like it. We’ve been hoping and praying that Teixeira would get a fair crack of the whip, and last night he got it and he took it. I’m not going to go into detail on his performance. I’m just going to say this – The Liverpool goal was created by Teixeira springing the offside trap and BACKHEEL CHIPPING the goalkeeper. I reckon he took it slightly wide on purpose, just to do that. I want to see more of Teixeira, and I suspect Jurgen might too.  8/10.

Divock Origi: He’s a grafter is Divok. He really tries. He has yet to find that ‘spark’ to take him to the next level, but I think he has it in him. I sense it may be a lack of belief. A few times last night, he just needed to be selfish. Knock it past his man, and race after it. He’s got pace, and that scares the bejaysus out of defenders more than anything else. Believe in yourself more Divok. Head down, arse up, and go for it. You have nothing to lose…7/10

Substitutes:

Martin Skrtel: Alright, I’ll level with you. When Martin came on for Kolo after half an hour, I cried a little inside. Yet I was wrong. Skrtel strikes me as being…how do I say this nicely…a little ‘simple’. He’s got a big old head on him, but if you whisper something into his ear, I suspect you’ll hear it echo for 20 minutes. Anyway, I digress. Martin probably thought he was in for a quiet sitdown on the bench. I suspect he didn’t really think too much about his own game, or what he was expected to do etc. So when he was suddenly called into action, he had to play on instinct. This is a good thing. Martin was excellent last night. His passing in particular caught my eye. He was composed, he played good penetrative balls into and sometimes beyond the midfield – all very impressive. A pleasant surprise. 8/10.

Lucas Leiva: All hail the revolutionary, new, 21st Century Lucas! We all hope to see a transformation in the LFC players under the stewardship of Jurgen Klopp, and we are seeing the first of these transmogrifications (I had to get that in) with Lucas. He continues to do the superb defensive midfield work, but he’s now adding bows and ribbons to his repertoire. He’s shooting (well), he’s playing through balls, he’s even getting to the by-line and crossing (I saw it with my own two eyes). He too got a cuddle from Klopp, when coming on, and he seemed to enjoy it far more than Joe Allen. Maybe he enjoyed it a little too much. I could have sworn I lip-read a ‘Dadda’ at one stage. 8/10.

Adam Lallana: I’m not bigging myself up here, but last night I got a message from a reader who was bemoaning the fact that Adam only got 3 minutes of action, as I wouldn’t have enough time to rate him, and he wouldn’t get to enjoy my rating of him. So I’m tempted to create a review of those 3 minutes, just to entertain. Alas, I won’t be doing that. I made a promise to myself to call things as I see them, and to be honest, I didn’t even notice that he came on. That may be a good thing for Adam, in fairness. N/A  

Manager: Jurgen Klopp: 

A WIN! FINALLY A WIN! That’s it, the handbrake is off. The reigns have been released. The juggernaut has left the station, and Liverpool Football Club are about to crush all before them. What? Too much? Pffft, you’re all way too negative. He gave kids their chance, and they responded. He gave Joe Allen a chance, and he lasted 90 minutes. He has turned Lucas into Stevie G (well, almost, it’s taking a bit of time). He is undefeated in games against Spurs, Rubin Kazan, Southampton and Bournemouth. He is undefeated in the Premier League, Europa League and Capital One Cup. He has kept two clean sheets in 4 games. But above all else…HE REALLY BLOODY CARES. I’m in love. 8/10.

Liverpool v Southampton: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet: As Simon has now worked out the meaning of life (see the last blog for details), a sense of calm has come over him. No longer are crosses viewed as Exocet missiles that are to be avoided at all times. He’s now ready to spring into action whenever he is required, in a more measured and confident manner. It’s refreshing to see. Migs didn’t have much to do yesterday, but what he did do, he did well. He was unlucky with the goal that was conceded, as in fairness to him, he was the only one of the 11 LFC players on the pitch that actually got near a ball that was attacked by THREE Southampton players before it found its way into the back of the net. He actually made a fine save from the header by Gaston ‘The Ladybird’ Ramirez (that gag is for the parents amongst you – the rest of you should Google it), but was unlucky that his save rebounded off the in-rushing Mane and ended up nestling in the Anfield Road net. Solid effort. 7/10.

Nathaniel Clyne: A solid display by Patsy Clyne against his old employers. Got forward well during the first half in particular, but was a little more subdued in the second half as he was constantly monitoring the threat of a Southampton break down his flank. While he did very little wrong, I have to admit to being a little disappointed in his overall display. I’d like to think that if I were coming up against an old employer (admittedly for me it would have to be in some weird ‘Office Olympics’ type tournament), I’d be busting my ass to get one over on them. I wouldn’t even need to be on bad terms with them, I’d just HAVE to show them that I’m better now – in a better place, doing better, you know yourself. I didn’t really get that from Nathaniel yesterday. Am I being harsh? Undoubtedly. Alas, it’s my blog, so harsh it shall remain. 6/10.

Martin Skrtel: The best central defender on the park yesterday. I know….Martin didn’t put a foot wrong. Made all the tackles he needed to make, kept it simple with his passing, and covered for his centre-back partner when the odd mistake was made (and mistakes were made). Martin sometimes gets a tough time from LFC fans (including on this blog admittedly), and this blogger is certainly in the ‘Worship Mamadou Sakho’ camp, but when his partner had a shaky day, Martin stood up to be counted – the very definition of a ‘partnership’. I like to think of them both as being the ‘Bert & Ernie’ of Liverpool Football Club…without the obvious sexual tension (so far). 8/10.

Mamadou Sakho: My last two reviews of Mamadou have been a ‘Cut & Paste of praise’ from the previous match. Alas, not today. I’m not saying he was bad, by any means, but he fell below his usual high standards yesterday. In the 1st half in particular, he was shaky, made some poor decisions and clearances that could have proved more costly, but in large part he got away with them. As touched upon in Martin Skrtel’s review, he was helped out by his ‘partner’ (I’ve made this a sexual thing in your mind now, haven’t I? Sorry about that), which was good to see. Sakho steadied the ship in the 2nd half, but will be disappointed in how the equaliser was scored. I’m not saying it was his fault (in fact, I can’t really blame anyone despite viewing it numerous times looking for a scapegoat), but when a free-kick from 50 yards out is played three times by your opponents and as a defence you dont’ get a challenge in, it is disappointing. For what it’s worth, I think that the Southampton goal may well have been a superbly executed training ground routine. 6/10.

Alberto Moreno: If it were not for one particular moment in the 2nd half, this review would have consisted of me calling Bertie a Boll*x, as I did during the game yesterday. The reason for my profanity was his use of the ball in an attacking sense, particularly during the 2nd half. Where Clyne had been our raiding full-back in the first period, the responsibility fell to Bertie in the second half, and alas his final ball and choices were found lacking. After about 70 minutes he blazed a particularly poor ball into the Kop, resulting in my expletive (inspired by Bruno Tonioli on Strictly Come Dancing the night before). Yet mere seconds later, Mane was racing through on goal, about to plunge a dagger in our collective hearts. He was clear, by at least 5 yards, and he’s quick. He’s very quick. Yet Bertie put on the afterburners and raced back, then executed a SUPERB tackle to win the ball and clear the danger. It was probably tackle of the season for Liverpool so far. I instantly forgave him for his poor delivery in this game, and he’s probably got another game or two’s grace out of it to come. Well done Bertie. 7/10.

Lucas Leiva: Time to hail a player that is turning into one of the biggest cult heroes seen at Anfield in a long, long time. Here is a player that has been close to the edge more often than a base-jumper, yet is still here, is still doing outstanding work, and now appears to be a vital cog in the Klopp Machine. It’s clear that Jurgen has identified Lucas as his on-field lieutenant – the number of times they are seen on the touchline discussing tactics during breaks in play is a great example – and Lucas is delivering on his managers trust. It must be so refreshing for him to be trusted by his manager. He was used and abused under Brendan Rodgers, seen to be a square peg for a round hole. However his performance yesterday was awesome. He’s not the flashy player that catches the eye, but if you know what you’re looking for you will see just how good Lucas is. His reading of the game is superb, and he sees where the ‘killer’ ball the opponent wants to play is going, and gets there first. Man Of The Match for me. 9/10.

Emre Can: I thought that when Emre finally got his place in the centre of the Liverpool midfield, he would grow into it slowly. Sod that, this kid is eating Miracle-Gro for breakfast, and is growing into it rapidly, and quicker than I ever imagined. He constantly brings pace, power and energy, and is now marrying that with awareness, passing and pressing. If he starts throwing a few long-range winners into the mix, then I’ll have to replace the Steven Gerrard picture in my understairs bathroom with a picture of Emre Can. I’m sure my missus wouldn’t mind either. Hang on…..8/10.

Adam Lallana:

F-rustrating

R-eally Frustrating

U-nusually Frustrating

S-ensationally Frustrating

T-ellingly Frustrating

R-idiculously Frustrating

A-mazingly Frustrating

T-easingly Frustrating

I-nsensitively  Frustrating

N-auseatingly Frustrating

G-oadingly Frustrating

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say…. 6/10.

James Milner: I have a very old laptop. When I boot it up it goes ‘Whirr….Clunk….Click’ and it starts working. When I first got it, it used to go ‘Whirr…..Click’ and it worked. I’m not sure why or when the ‘Clunk’ was introduced, but now I’m not sure whether the machine will work without it, or whether it’s crucial to the machine ever springing into life again. For the vast majority of the game yesterday, I felt the same way about James Milner. Then he produces THAT cross, to create THAT goal, and I cherish that ‘Clunk’. Until the next time I wonder whether it’s actually needed or not. My arse is getting sore as I’m sitting on this fence quite a while, and I don’t think I can get off for a while yet. 7/10.

Philippe Coutinho: It’s the hat-trick for Philippe, and my review of him from 3 games ago, repeated for the last game, is worthy of note again. I know it’s repetitive, but it’s as true now as it was when I first wrote it:

“POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL MOMENT ALERT: If Philippe doesn’t start upping his contribution (by that I mean effective assists/goals), his position in this team is under threat. Today, when the LFC squad was seriously depleted by injury, all eyes were on Philippe to step up and put in the kind of performance required to lead the team through tough times. It didn’t happen (again). He’s an undoubted talent, with flicks, tricks, shimmies and goals that sometimes take the breath away. However the key word there is ‘sometimes’. He needs to deliver consistently or else he’s in danger of being moved out of the team for someone less ‘flashy’ but more dynamic for this new team. The pressure is on Phillipe, time to deliver.”

Firmino is fit. Benteke is fit. If Sturridge gets fit (stop laughing), Klopp has a big call to make. A move to Barcelona? Hmmm.  6/10.

Divock Origi: The performance of Divok Origi yesterday was a microcosm of the woes of Liverpool Football Club last season – we struggled badly all season as we didn’t have any forwards worthy of the name. That may sound bloody harsh on young Divok, but I stand by it. Look at how the game changed in the 2nd half when Benteke replaced Origi, and suddenly the Southampton defence had a problem they were struggling to deal with. They had Origi on toast in the 1st half. Sure, he works hard, is a willing runner, but he is too easy to manage for the opposition. Yet he is our 4th choice striker, so hopefully he will develop in time. I’m just glad Benteke is back. 5/10.

Substitutes: 

Christian Benteke: Another player that I am on the fence about, as we haven’t really seen that much of him, we’ve changed manager, and I need time to make an educated decision on any player in a red shirt. Well, yesterday will have helped to get me on-side with Big Ben. A stunning goal to cap a very effective performance after being introduced at half-time. Ben caused the Southampton defence problems from the moment the 2nd half kicked off, running the channels, holding the ball up effectively and bringing his teammates into play higher up the pitch. I’m on record as saying that I believe he is a scorer of great goals rather than a great goalscorer – perhaps yesterday was proof that I am right…or perhaps it was the start of proving that I am wrong. I’ll be happy to be proven wrong. Fecking delighted in fact. 8/10.

Roberto Firmino: I’d like to see Bobby F start on Wednesday night in the League Cup game at home to Bournemouth. He didn’t really do much when brought on yesterday. He should start in place of Coutinho certainly. Give Philippe a rest, and Roberto a chance to shine. 6/10.

Jordon Ibe: He had 7′ on the pitch. I’m not going to review that. I’m not THAT desperate.

Manager: Jurgen Klopp

So close to a first win. Yet his REMARKABLE UNDEFEATED STREAK CONTINUES. Not only is he undefeated as Liverpool manager, he’s never even been behind in a match. If he keeps picking Origi ahead of Benteke, I’ll start to have doubts, but I’m confident that won’t happen. Certain, in fact. 7/10.

Liverpool v Rubin Kazan: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet: As Liverpool battled the 12th best team in Russia right now, Simon Mignolet pondered the meaning of life. What’s it all about? Why are we here? What’s the bloody point? I suspect that Simon is a good deal wiser today, for he had the vast majority of an hour and a half undisturbed to ponder such deep questions. He was rudely disturbed from his philosophical musings when Devic smacked the ball past him and into the net at the Kop end. This annoyed Simon, who felt he was on the verge of a Zen breakthrough moment, and was about to achieve true enlightenment. Instead, Simon achieved a fine save a few minutes later, to keep Liverpool only one goal behind. I can now exclusively reveal that Simon actually discovered the meaning of life during the second half when he had sod all to do. Want to know what it is? I’ll tell you later in this piece…7/10.

Nathaniel Clyne: Frequent readers of this blog will know that my nickname for Nathaniel is ‘Patsy’. You all thought it was a play on ‘Patsy Clyne’ (if you don’t know who that is, ask your Mum, your Dad or Google). Alas, you are all wrong. Here’s a dictionary definition of ‘Patsy’:

pat·sy

 (păt′sē)

n.pl.pat·siesSlang

A person easily taken advantage of, cheated, blamed, or ridiculed.

Look at the goal that Liverpool conceded last night. Now choose from one of the following to describe me: Prescient, Amazing, Wise, Knobhead. Post your vote in the comments section below. 6/10.

Martin Skrtel: It’s kind of hard to rank a player like Martin Skrtel after a match like that. He didn’t really have much to do, and what he did he did…averagely (is that a word?). The conceded goal was clearly an error by Clyne, but did Martin really have to leave him one-on-one with the attacker and 10 yards away? Am I being picky? Am I being harsh? Am I asking too many questions? I’ll stop now. 7/10.

Mamadou Sakho: Superb. Excellent. Accurate. Composed. Expansive. Steady. Flawless. When given a solid, sensible role as a centre-back in a back four, suddenly Sakho shines. I would say it’s not rocket science but this kind of common sense was as rare as rocking horse shit for two years. Jurgen has made a very simple realisation: Skrtel and Sakho are the best two centre backs in the squad and that’s the way it will stay (until January comes and he can go shopping…to replace Skrtel). Sakho is here to stay people, get used to it, enjoy it and wallow in it. About f*cking time. And yes, that is almost word for word what I wrote after Spurs. I added in ‘Flawless’. It’s all still relevant. 9/10.

Alberto Moreno: I find I’m in the same boat with Bertie as I was for Martin Skrtel. He did alright. He didn’t look as vulnerable as he did at Spurs at times, but then again he played about 75 minutes with no real defending to do. He tried to get forward, but his end product was poor. He’s not alone in that regard either. I’ve decided to rate him I’m going to put the numbers 6/7/8 into a bag and draw his rating at random. Hang on while I do this…..Oooh, look, he gets a seven! I’ve said that out loud in the style of Len Goodman from Strictly Come Dancing. 7/10.

Joe Allen: Wanna know a secret? Alright, I’ll spill. Jurgen Klopp didn’t know who Joe Allen was until 25 minutes into last nights game. He didn’t recognise him with the beard y’see. Joe was ‘incognito’. Jurgen is struggling with injuries as we all know, and he threw this young fella he didn’t recognise into the fray from the start, to see what he had to work with. At precisely 25 minutes and 37 seconds into the game last night, Jurgen turned to his bench, ashen-faced, and proclaimed ‘Mein Gott, das ist Joe F*cking Allen. Womit hab ich das verdient? (That’s ‘What have I done to deserve this’ in German). Once he recovered from the shock, he hooked him at half-time. Poor Joe. 5/10. 

Emre Can: You gotta love the Germans, eh? So efficient. So logical. Of course the first goal under our new German manager was going to be scored by a German! Should have bet the mortgage on it in hindsight. Emre played his second game in a week in a central-midfield role. He’s starting to grow into it too. His now customary power/pace/passion was married with some nice passing, a bit of vision, and of course a goal. He gambled when the cross came into the box – note that nobody else bothered their arse. He got his reward. He’s going to have to make do with ‘temporary’ midfield partners for a while until Captain Hendo is back. I also cannot confirm nor deny the rumour that he helped Klopp make the half-time substitution by flushing Joe Allen’s head in the toilet and delivering a wedgie so devastating that the medical staff at Liverpool are still searching for Joe Allen’s undercrackers. 8/10

Adam Lallana: I said the following after the Spurs game about Adam: “*Sigh* Yet another ‘almost’ performance from Adam who is looking far more suited to the lower level of the Europa League Group Stage than the hurly burly of the Premier League. Which is odd, as he impressed in the Premier League first. Anyhoo, Adam repeatedly got himself into good positions today, but repeatedly failed to create anything really dangerous”. I’d like to correct that statement – he doesn’t look that suited to the Europa League either, based on last nights performance. The rest of that statement is still very pertinent though. And I’ll remind you of my ‘time-warp’ theory on Adam too. If you don’t know what that is, read previous blogs. Heh, that’s shameless. All credit to me. 6/10.  

James Milner: Do you work in a company, an organisation, or have anything to do with a group of people in any capacity? If so, you’ll recognise the James Milner in that group. It’s the person who is always on time (sometimes even early), never misses a day due to illness (particularly never a Friday or a Monday), gets the work done, volunteers for extra work, helps out other departments/colleagues, makes the tea without moaning and is an all-round good egg. Yet when you stop and think about this person, you can’t quite work out what it is that they do…If they weren’t there, would anything change? Maybe everything would trundle on regardless, and nobody would notice. Or maybe the whole organisation would fall apart, resulting in chaos, in-fighting, bare knuckle brawls in the car park and national media attention. Like that cog in that machine you took apart when you were a kid; You had no idea what it did, but when you took it out you didn’t really know what would happen as a result. James ‘Cog’ Milner gets 6/10.

Philippe Coutinho: One of the quirks of reviewing two games in a matter of days is that this can happen (my review from last Saturday)

“POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL MOMENT ALERT: If Philippe doesn’t start upping his contribution (by that I mean effective assists/goals), his position in this team is under threat. Today, when the LFC squad was seriously depleted by injury, all eyes were on Philippe to step up and put in the kind of performance required to lead the team through tough times. It didn’t happen (again). He’s an undoubted talent, with flicks, tricks, shimmies and goals that sometimes take the breath away. However the key word there is ‘sometimes’. He needs to deliver consistently or else he’s in danger of being moved out of the team for someone less ‘flashy’ but more dynamic for this new team. The pressure is on Phillipe, time to deliver.”

Roberto Firmino is fit again. I’ll just leave that thought with you for a while 6/10.

Divock Origi: I’m struggling to find a good nickname for Divock. Today I’m going to try ‘The Origi-nal Divy Rascal’. Again, comments are welcome, and I’ll take anyone on when it comes to a swearing match. Anyway, I felt that Origi struggled last night up front on his own against a mass defence, which is to be expected from such a young player. The inter-play and fluidity required between him and Lallana/Coutinho et al just wasn’t there, but again, that’s to be expected. So what did I expect? What I got I suppose. Good assist for the goal too. He’s looking every inch the reserve striker that Liverpool need if I’m being honest. Wait, I’m always honest. Honest. 7/10. 

Substitutes: 

Lucas Leiva: Let’s play a game of ‘Compare & Contrast’ shall we? Right, compare the 1st half attacking chances for Rubin Kazan when Joe Allen was playing the holding role in midfield. Now contrast that with the 2nd half attacking chances for Rubin Kazan when Lucas was playing the holding role in midfield. Compare your desire to go for a pint with Joe Allen, and contrast that with the desire to go for a pint with Lucas. Finally, compare the girly-boy stick legs on Joe Allen, and contrast with the firm, toned, muscular leg pistons on Lucas. This particular player review is dedicated to Chris Clark. If you listen to the ByTheMinSport.com EPL Podcast, you’ll understand this dedication. 8/10.

Christian Benteke: Introduced in place of Coutinho and designed to give us more presence up front alongside The Origi-nal Divy Rascal (I’m sticking with this for a while, now shurrup). Didn’t quite work out for Big Ben, who was unlucky when a fine effort struck the post, but who I remain convinced is a scorer of great goals, not a great goal scorer. There’s a big difference. Compare Matt Le Tissier to Alan Shearer. One now works for the swanky show-off organisation with all the flash gizmos, and one does the dirty work to get the job done on a basic platform. See? Even in retirement your choices/paths reflect who you really are. 6/10.  

Roberto Firmino: Thrown on with 15 minutes to go, showed glimpses of his potential with one particularly saucy and sexy turn, and….nowt much else to report really. Good to have him back though. It’s nice to have options isn’t it? Except when it comes to reading football blogs. There are no others available. Trust me. 6/10.

Manager: Jurgen Klopp

Some say he’s playing the same team in every match as he wants to really get to know what he has at his disposal. Some say he’s playing the same team in every match as he has no bloody choice. I’m saying that his masterful incredible undefeated streak continues apace, and his coat last night was sensational. I want one. You could carry a group of small children in that hood. Or beer. Or food. Or Jordon Ibe. 7/10.

Oh yeah, The Meaning of Life. That’s easy…It’s to watch football. Obviously. Don’t overthink it.

Spurs v Liverpool: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet: Frequent readers of this blog will know that I have long lamented the fact that Migs fails to deliver a performance that is better than the minimum expected. I am glad to report that today Simon delivered when it mattered. Liverpool won a point, and 80% of that point was earned by Simon Mignolet. A stunning save from Clinton ‘Bob’ Njie in the first half was followed by a second superb save with his legs from Harry ‘Light Breeze’ Kane. Added to these saves was the fact that there was a significant absence of flapping from crosses and corners, good distribution when required, and my Pacemaker didn’t need to kick into action throughout the 90 minutes. Best performance of the season for me. 9/10.

Nathaniel Clyne: Liverpool Football Club arrived at White Hart Lane with 14 senior players realistically capable of delivering a performance in a tough Premier League match. That 14 included Kolo Toure, Joe Allen and Adam Bogdan. As the match progressed, several Liverpool players tired significantly. However, some players rose to the occasion and led from the front. Stand up Nathaniel ‘Patsy’ Clyne, who delivered a performance of poise, confidence, energy, stamina and downright awesomeness. A rare gem for Liverpool this season seemed that bit more polished today, and emerged as a real leader when the chips were down. Wasn’t as advanced as previous games, but helped contribute to a clean sheet, so his role has been tailored to suit the current requirements. 8/10. 

Martin Skrtel: WhoScored.com are a respected website and ranker (yes, that says ‘ranker’ you dirty pervert) of football players, and they have rated Martin as the best Liverpool performer of the day. Who am I to argue with them, eh? Oh right, yeah, I’m a member of ByTheMinSport.com, a far superior website in every single way, so I’m going to tell you that while Martin was very good today, he wasn’t the best player on the pitch. He was joint 3rd best. Trust me, stats are overrated. A very solid performance today from the scary looking shitehawk with numerous crucial tackles and interceptions. Hopefully this is the beginning of a solid long-term partnership with Mamadou Sakho. That would make sense y’see. Something lacking at Melwood recently. 8/10

Mamadou Sakho: Superb. Excellent. Accurate. Composed. Expansive. Steady. When given a solid, sensible role as a centre-back in a back four, suddenly Sakho shines and the Liverpool defence keeps a clean sheet. I would say it’s not rocket science but this kind of common sense was as rare as rocking horse shit for two years. Jurgen has made a very simple realisation: Skrtel and Sakho are the best two centre backs in the squad and that’s the way it will stay (until January comes and he can go shopping…to replace Skrtel). Sakho is here to stay people, get used to it, enjoy it and wallow in it. About f*cking time. 9/10.

Alberto Moreno: Bertie was asked to play in a conventional left-back role today, and he did it reasonably well. Unable to bomb forward as much as he has recently, and he has been asked to concentrate on the defensive side of his game more than usual. He gave me more than one coronary incident during the game by executing a move I will now christen ‘The Bertie Butt’. When in possession and closed down by an opponent, he stops in his tracks, sticks out his arse towards his opponent in a very homoerotic way, and waits to be slammed from behind (stop giggling), and falling to the ground howling (seriously, stop it, you’re embarrassing yourself). He got away with it today, but he won’t against other opponents, some of whom may enjoy it. I’m not naming names. Yet. 6/10.

Lucas Leiva: A typically solid performance from Lucas: Understated, effective, efficient and a booking. Textbook. Yet there were signs of something else too – a series of forward passes that looked to be penetrative (you have one more chance, now stop it) were played by Lucas seeking to create a goal scoring opportunity. I believe this is a sign of the confidence that Herr Klopp is bringing to this squad – an ability to break out of the monotony that Brendan had instilled in the team – so that players can emerge from their pupa and spread their wings as beautiful butterflies. Yes, I’ve been drinking. Sue me. 7/10. 

Emre Can: A central midfielder playing in central midfield. It’s a radical, sensational move by Klopp and I am taking some time to get used to the idea. So is Emre judging by his performance today. He was full of his usual energy, bursts and tackling, but he seemed unfamiliar with the positions that he found himself in. That is not a criticism of him, it’s a criticism of Brendan who failed to play him in his natural position. Emre has a couple of months to establish himself in the Liverpool team before Captain Hendo is back to fitness and you suspect that Emre and Lucas are competing for one place. Good. 6/10.

Adam Lallana: *Sigh* Yet another ‘almost’ performance from Adam who is looking far more suited to the lower level of the Europa League Group Stage than the hurly burly of the Premier League. Which is odd, as he impressed in the Premier League first. Anyhoo, Adam repeatedly got himself into good positions today, but repeatedly failed to create anything really dangerous. He had a decent shout for a penalty in the second half, which I’ve seen given, but if given against Liverpool would result in a family pet needing medical treatment (Relax RSPCA, it’s just a joke…). It will be interesting to see how Klopp rates him when the injuries clear up: Will he get a game ahead of Firmino/Ings/Sturridge etc? 6/10. 

James Milner: Jimmy Milner waved goodbye to central midfield for a top level team today, and said hello to his new role (and old role) of ‘Utility Player’. He was largely ineffectual today on the right of the attacking midfield, and he is another who will be looking over his shoulder as the injured players come back to fitness and seek a place in the starting eleven. I predict that Jimmy Milner and Adam Lallana will end up spearheading our bid for Europa League glory. Splendid. 5/10. 

Philippe Coutinho: POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL MOMENT ALERT: If Philippe doesn’t start upping his contribution (by that I mean effective assists/goals), his position in this team is under threat. Today, when the LFC squad was seriously depleted by injury, all eyes were on Philippe to step up and put in the kind of performance required to lead the team through tough times. It didn’t happen (again). He’s an undoubted talent, with flicks, tricks, shimmies and goals that sometimes take the breath away. However the key word there is ‘sometimes’. He needs to deliver consistently or else he’s in danger of being moved out of the team for someone less ‘flashy’ but more dynamic for this new team. The pressure is on Phillipe, time to deliver. 6/10.

Divock Origi: Liverpool’s fourth choice striker has been thrust into the spotlight in October. How’s that for injury luck, eh? I was impressed by Divock today – he led the line well, constantly running the channels and providing an out-ball for the team in the first half. His pace is a threat to opponents, and after half an hour today, you could sense that the Spurs back-line were worried. He is young and needs to work on his finishing, but as a 4th choice striker he did a good job today. 7/10.

Substitutes: 

Joe Allen: It’s probably a good job that Brendan Rodgers has departed from Joe Allen’s point of view. Where he was once known as ‘The Welsh Xavi’, he’s now known as ‘The Beardy Tramp’ under the new regime. That should take some pressure off at least. Joe came on for Adam Lallana and he performed…..alright. Enough said. 5/10.

Jordon Ibe: ‘OOJ’ replaced Philippe Coutinho. I know, I gasped too. Yet he injected life into the Liverpool team late in the game, and led the charge on at least two attacking moves. It made me wonder how effective he could have been if introduced 15 minutes earlier – lets face it, Philippe contributed the sum total of f*ck all in the same period. He should now be released from his Brendan Hell of LWB/RWB/RAM/LAM position roulette, and should flourish. I’m excited. 7/10. 

Manager: Jurgen Klopp

How do I rate Herr Klopp in Week 1? Easy. He gets 110/10, just by virtue of the fact that he’s here. He is the manager of Liverpool Football Club. *quivers*. He plays midfielders in midfield. He plays defenders in defence. He plays forwards up front. He’s a revolutionary thinker. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

He Made Us Dream…Now We Wake Up

No Player Reviews this week, as far more significant events have occurred that I wish to discuss. If you really want to know, they did alright, Migs was excellent for once, and it wasn’t a bad result. But onto the main issue…

Goodbye Brendan. Thank you for all your hard work, dedication and effort. You weren’t the greatest manager that Liverpool Football Club has ever had, but then again that’s an impossible standard to achieve. You achieved something incredibly significant however, something I didn’t think anyone could do again…You Made Us Dream.

The 2013/2014 season will be one that will always live in my memory, for as long as I live. It started well, but the usual Liverpool dip occurred in September/October/November, and while I always, always walk on with hope in my heart, my dreams were of nicking 4th or maybe a cup run. However, from December – May, Brendan Rodgers made me DREAM. Titles and glory were part of my dreams, but just part of them. Brendan made me dream about glorious football, Roy of the Rovers style heroes and the future. He created a team that nobody saw coming, that took the Premier League by storm, which captured the imagination not just of Liverpool fans, but of football fans worldwide. Brendan’s team took opponents apart, with swashbuckling displays that left you rubbing your eyes in disbelief (if you were a Liverpool fan), or shaking your head in astonishment (if you were a fan of anybody else). The 5-0 away at Spurs, with Jon ‘Cafu’ Flanagan cracking one in off the underside of the bar. The 5-1 at home to Arsenal which was won in an extraordinary first 20 minutes after which Liverpool lead 4-0. The almost impossible 3-2 home win over Manchester City, a ‘title-decider’ that Liverpool had no real right to even be in, let alone win. You had the last hurrah of Steven Gerrard as a subplot to this melodrama. The maverick genius of Luis Suarez, the incredible fact that Daniel Sturridge didn’t get injured. Raheem Sterling coming of age WAY before his time, Philippe Coutinho announcing his arrival to the football world. Local lad Jon Flanagan cementing the left-back spot as his own. Brendan Rodgers created all of this. He oversaw it, he steered the team through the season, and he almost, almost won them the Premier League title, which would have been the most improbable of triumphs in this modern league of billionaire owners, Fergie-domination and 60,000+ seater stadiums.

We all know what has happened since that fateful day when Chelsea plundered a win at Anfield, and City went on to win the title. Brendan has lost Suarez, which he was powerless to prevent. He has lost Sterling, against his wishes, but again he was powerless to prevent it. He has lost Daniel Sturridge to injury for the best part of a full season.

He has worked under a structure within Liverpool Football Club that has caused issues. He has been presented with players he didn’t personally want, and he has missed out on players he craved. When he did identify players that he wanted he hit ridiculous obstacles. For one player he wanted he found that the ‘Transfer Committee’ were unable to open negotiations with the player’s agent, as nobody spoke French. I kid you not. I know this because I know the man brought in to make the call to the agent, as he spoke French. He has nothing to do with professional football, but he does speak the right language. For Brendan to have achieved what he did under these kind of circumstances is a hell of a feat.

He has many flaws too of course. Primarily, he’s young and inexperienced, and lacking pragmatism. The approach of the team in that Chelsea match that cost Liverpool the title was at best naive. A more pragmatic manager may well have looked at the full picture surrounding that match (Chelsea under-strength and with a far more important match on the horizon) and set their stall out for a point, that would have been enough for the title in all probability. However, Brendan and the team were on the crest of a wave, sweeping all before them, thrilling us all, and he wanted to deliver the title in the same manner. When 3-0 up away at Crystal Palace, the same failing was apparent. A lack of pragmatism led to the loss of a seemingly unassailable lead, and with it any hope of that precious league title. This refusal to be pragmatic is probably his biggest failing, and ultimately prevented him from being successful with Liverpool. He never at any time improved the defence to the standard required in the Premier League. You know that Brendan would much rather win a match 3-2 than 1-0, and it is this lack of pragmatism that has ultimately hurt him.

He is also far too open with his thoughts and beliefs to the media, and this has led him to being subject to ridicule as the difficult times refused to dissipate. Whether Brendan really believes in the ‘Brendan-isms’ he has dished out over the last 3 years is a moot point. If he does believe them, good for him. Whatever gets you through the day, I say. However, he needs to learn to keep them to himself, as he becomes a hostage to fortune by revealing these thoughts to the outside world. The glee with which a click-bait hungry media reported his comments is understandable, and at times humorous to us all. However, for his own sake, I hope he learns to temper his public utterances in future. He should be aiming for a @DullBrendan parody Twitter account in his next role.

He blotted his copybook with FSG too often for his own good also. I’m led to believe that he applied for the Manchester City job when Roberto Mancini departed, which FSG found out about months later, and they were understandably not impressed. They were also less than impressed with his handling of his divorce and his offers of settlement etc to his ex-wife. While this is a personal issue, FSG are an American organisation strong on ‘family values’. Finally, there was a clear breakdown in communication that led to the departure of Steven Gerrard from the club and I suspect that Brendan is being blamed for this also.

However, the amount of vile abuse directed at Brendan that I have seen among Liverpool fans over the past 9 months or so has deeply saddened me, and disgusted me to the core. I’m a proud Liverpool fan, and I know the qualities that fans of Liverpool Football Club possess in spades. However, the vitriol displayed through last season and into this has no place in our club. What I will say to all those who feel they have driven Brendan out (you haven’t, obviously, but judging by your commentary, your mental aptitude will most likely prevent you from understanding this), is that you may not know what you had until it’s gone. I’m sad tonight. Not just because Brendan has lost his job. Not just because Liverpool Football Club have sacked a manager, which they rarely do. I’m sad because as of right now we are vulnerable as a club. Who will be the new man? Will he work? Will Liverpool improve? Will they regress? Nobody knows. You could say this gives us hope, and of course there is a chance that we get Klopp or Ancelotti and everything comes up Millhouse. However we could get Allardyce and get relegated. You don’t know what’s around the corner. Brendan leaves Liverpool when they are 6 points off the top of the table, and 3 points off fourth spot, currently occupied by Crystal Palace. Brendan launched a title-assault from worse positions only two seasons ago.

I’ll leave you with this. As ever, we walk on with hope in our heart, and we hold our head up high. The man who made us dream has departed, the dream is over, and I’ve never been more awake. You know what though? We have Spurs away in two weeks time. Who’ll be in charge? Will it be 3-5-2? The game never ends….

Liverpool v FC Sion: LFC Player Ratings

Rant of a Rebel

Simon Mignolet: Simon nearly won the ‘Golden Glove’ last season you know. It’s a special award that the goalkeeper with the most clean sheets in a season gets, and Simon nearly won it. That right there shows you why ‘facts’ are not always a good thing, isn’t that right Rafa? Migs had very little to do last night in fairness. With about 75 minutes gone, he had faced one shot on target, and it had gone into the net. Again, (repeat readers of this blog will know I’ve made this point before) I am not blaming Migs for the goal conceded. I’m merely pointing out that some clubs have goalkeepers that do something extra, something extraordinary, making saves when they are not expected to, and thus winning their side games. Last night could have been that moment for Migs and for LFC. It wasn’t. 5/10. 

Emre Can: Yeah, he was…

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Liverpool v FC Sion: LFC Player Ratings

Simon Mignolet: Simon nearly won the ‘Golden Glove’ last season you know. It’s a special award that the goalkeeper with the most clean sheets in a season gets, and Simon nearly won it. That right there shows you why ‘facts’ are not always a good thing, isn’t that right Rafa? Migs had very little to do last night in fairness. With about 75 minutes gone, he had faced one shot on target, and it had gone into the net. Again, (repeat readers of this blog will know I’ve made this point before) I am not blaming Migs for the goal conceded. I’m merely pointing out that some clubs have goalkeepers that do something extra, something extraordinary, making saves when they are not expected to, and thus winning their side games. Last night could have been that moment for Migs and for LFC. It wasn’t. 5/10. 

Emre Can: Yeah, he was grand. Improved as the game wore on as he was given a change in tactics and allowed to burst forward, and did so to good effect. At least, I’m presuming he was given a change of tactics by Brendan. If he wasn’t, and he took it upon himself to burst forward to change the game, then he gets an extra 3 bonus points, just for showing the fans that he actually gives a sh*t, which many of his teammates failed to do. I’m going to be optimistic that he’s a renegade with a cause and award him those extra points. 8/10. 

Kolo Toure: Captain Kolo. He led by example in typical Kolo style…in that he did that little skippy dithering thing he does before he passes the ball, which delays the pass ever so slightly and stops momentum. Yep, that definitely spread to the rest of the team. I’m not blaming Kolo for the performance though, I’m just pointing out a few foibles I see in his game. The other small, itsy bitsy fly in the ointment is the fact that he’s BROKEN. Falling apart at the seams. Got to an hour last night and his body gave up. Sakho was summoned from the bench. That’s two Europa League appearances, and a total of 80 minutes played combined. His best moment was a stunning overhead kick from 16 yards that hit the top of the bar while the FC Sion keeper scampered to save. Well, I say stunning – it didn’t have the scissor action, it was more like the kind of effort I would try (on the beach in case I hurt myself), where he kind of fell backwards, hurling his leg above his head while kicking the ball. Great effort and an extra point for that. 6/10. 

Joe Gomez: So you’re in a bar one night and Scarlett Johansson slides up to you and offers to buy you a drink. She thinks you’re cute, and wants you, badly. You’re naturally a little stunned, but you pull it together and have a cracking night with the lovely lady, all the while unable to believe your luck. You then manage to secure a second and even a third date, and you pull out all the stops – you’re charming, witty, you wash properly, and you have a great time, and settle into life as the unheralded Mr. Scarlett Johansson. However, you then get a bit comfortable, and revert back to type: You fart in front of her, you belch in front of her, you clean your ears with your car keys, and you tell her that you’re too depressed for a night of passion because Liverpool lost at home to West Ham. You’re dumped immediately, and you realise what has happened. That’s Joe Gomez that is. Poor Joe. 5/10. 

Nathaniel Clyne: Gave away the ball with a SHONKING pass that led directly to the FC Sion equaliser. Bombed forward but to no great effect. Hooked by Brendan at half-time and replaced by Jordon Ibe on your wing. Yeah, nights don’t get much worse than this. Poor Patsy, he’s having his legs run off him, and he’s going downhill fast. He was showing so much promise too. 4/10. 

Jordon Ibe: OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST ON A HONDA 50. Bad. Shockingly bad. Yes he was playing in a role (or two) that he’s not used to (Left-Wing-Back and Right-Wing-Back), but he was targeted by FC Sion last night. They knew he was weak defensively. They clearly read my Player Ratings from the Bordeaux match. Sorry about that. Lo and behold, after Patsy Clyne had dropped the whole team in it with a pass that even Stevie Wonder would have been embarrassed by, a straight pass was knocked over his head, and Ebeneezer Assifuah was in like Flynn to equalise. The confidence has been drained out of young Jordon. For the rest of the night he was visibly frightened to do anything wrong. Every time he even thought about a pass, he second-guessed himself and dallied. When he thought about taking on his man, he thought about it so long that the opponent had time to run into the space that Jordon was planning to attack, and the chance was gone. He froze last night, no other word for it. Rabbit in the headlights stuff. He needs minding now, needs his confidence built back up. Chucking him into a Europa League B Team, out of position, is not going to help Brendan. Mind him, please. 2/10.

Joe Allen: Joe was alright. Rusty though. Very rusty, like a razor blade that hasn’t been used in months, which his clearly hasn’t. I have a theory: Joe was fed up with being ridiculed by the LFC faithful who saw him as too lightweight and too nice for the middle of the park battle. So he looked in the mirror one day, and told his 14-year-old looking self to man up. Hence the new image – Homeless Drunk. He certainly looks older, I’ll say that for him. He battled well in midfield last night, linked up nicely a few times with the front players, and with a bit more luck could have had an assist or two. Will improve with game time, so the longer we’re in the League Cup and Europa League, the better. 6/10. 

Jordan Rossiter: How do I do this nicely…he was….average. Nowhere near as dynamic or impressive as he was against Bordeaux. He was neat and tidy, kept showing for the ball which I like, right up to the final minute. The problem was that he didn’t really do very much with it when he got it. If you’re playing in a dynamic team with threats all around you, then you’ll be a star playing the role he played last night. Just get it, move it, and let the lads do the rest. However, last night, he got it, he moved it, and….it came back to him after nothing happened…again, and again, and again, and ag…you get the point. He’s also physically frail right now. I presume that Liverpool will have him on the Creatine sandwiches and lock him in the gym for the next two years, because he needs it. He needs more dynamic power, strength, and ideally pace. I like him though, and like Joe Allen he needs more game time which I think he’ll get as long as we stay in the cup competitions. 5/10. 

Adam Lallana: Adam ‘Europa League’ Lallana does it again. A nice finish to cap some good work by Divock Origi, and he was a constant threat to FC Sion for the first hour before fading as the game went on. Worked some good chances for his teammates, notably Danny Ings, but was guilty of a bad miss as Liverpool searched for the equaliser. I’ve been chastised for calling it a bad miss, and I understand that it was a decent save by the keeper and all that, but at this level, you have to score with chances like that. Probably the LFC man of the match last night, so well done to him. Now excuse me while I go to have a quiet little cry in the corner. 7/10. 

Danny Ings: He works hard. He has pace. He has power. Now he needs to add to these elements and produce more of an end result. I think he will though, and if he acts as a foil for the likes of Daniel Sturridge, then he’ll learn from the best while playing an effective role in the team. Consistency is a key element he needs to add to his game too. Failed to control (actually completely missed the ball) a great cross from Lallana in the 1st half when clear in the box, yet pulled a similar pass from Moreno out of the sky and almost scored in the 2nd half. If he had controlled both, you suspect he would have scored once. Such fine margins separate the great from the not so great. 6/10.

Divock Origi: I worry a lot. I worry about Global Warming. I worry about money. I worry about the state of the economy, the lack of gun control in the US and I worry about Vladimir Putin, the lunatic. However, I now worry about Divock Origi and his ability to finish more than any of these. Divock was very good last night in every facet of the game, except for actually putting the ball in the back of the bloody net. He has pace, he has power, he can turn his man, he can assist goals like he did last night, but does he have that killer instinct? That dead-eye, cold-blooded instinct to put his opponent away when he has the chance? Not on the evidence I’ve seen so far he hasn’t. Spurned three very good opportunities, one of which was a one-on-one with the FC Sion goalkeeper. This is the difference (among other things) between a depressing draw like last night and a good 2-1 win or even a heartening 3-1 win. 5/10. 

Substitutes: 

Alberto Moreno: Introduced at half-time to replace Patsy Clyne, and slotted into his favoured LWB role well. Bombed on all half, and caused a constant threat to FC Sion, providing width to the Liverpool attack as they tried to stretch their opponent who were camping behind the ball with 10 men. Provided a great chance for Lallana, which was spurned. Impressed with his work, and should certainly be the starting LWB for LFC this season. 6/10. 

Philippe Coutinho: For the second Europa League game in a row, Brendan broke the Emergency Glass and rang the alarm bell by sending on Philippe. For the second Europa League game in a row, it didn’t work. Coutinho needs space ahead of him to be effective. He needs players stretching the defence, running in behind, and able to finish. He had some of that last night, but not all of it. As a result he appeared ineffective. Maybe a bit harsh, but you’re judged on results in this game, isn’t that right Brendan? 6/10.

Mahmadou Sakho: Called off the bench to replace the Kolo Toure carcass that was dragged off the Anfield turf. Did alright in the limited amount of defending he had to do. Not much more to report really. 5/10. 

Manager: Brendan Rodgers:

He had to pick a weakened team last night, he’s got the Merseyside Derby on Sunday, and if ever a single match may decide the fate of a manager, it’s that one. However, he was mindful of the need to get some kind of momentum going for his club, so threw on Bertie and Philippe in the second half to try to eke out a win. However, he’s being let down by the quality of the play on the pitch. Yet, he brought in those players (well, he certainly picked them, and bought some of them), so he has to carry the can, and it’s a bloody heavy can at this stage, full of bile, vitriol and downright anger from the LFC faithful. You sense he’s a dead-man walking, but you also sense that he’s pig-headed enough to keep ploughing away until somebody tells him he’s not wanted anymore. I reckon even then they’ll have to change the locks – he’s likely to keep turning up, instilling ‘character’ in players who don’t work for him anymore, and will end up being escorted off-site by security telling everyone around that this is all part of his master-plan and he’ll be back to finish it off. 4/10.